sibling issue

[kathymuggle]

DD, 13, has been mean to DD, 9, for years.  It is long and complicated. I did take DD to task for it, fruitlessly, many times.  It was a daily theme in our house for a long time.   In the last 6 months or so she has made great strides in being nicer to her sister.  Great strides.

DD, age 9, is starting to have a bit of an attitude.  She does do things (such as screeching or noise making) on purpose to annoy her sister.  She occasionally makes mean comments.

part of me thinks:  DD, 13, you were mean to her for years - now it is your turn.  I have little pity.

and another part of me thinks:

Older DD is making such great strides!   I should take DD, 9, to task for any behaviour against her sister, in support of DD making great strides and a more peaceful house and because the behaviour is inappropriate.

It is hard for me to be hard on the youngest when part of me thinks the older one has it coming to her for years of mean-ness.  

Edited by kathymuggle - 1/15/12 at 7:34am

[Mummoth]

I can understand how you feel... DS picks on DD and when she finally finds a way to get under his skin it seems almost unfair to shut her down. But letting her get away with behaving that way isn't teaching her anything good, really. You did try to stop DD1 from picking on DD2... so you can be consistent. If you get different results with DD2 than DD1, it's just because she's a different person... that part of things you can't control. 

[Imakcerka]

DD2 is mean to DD1... and there is no reason for it.  DD1 treats DD2 really well.  However if it turned around, no matter how much I'd internally yell "thats what you get!"  I'd still have to stop it.  AH... but I can feel you on this one.

[kathymuggle]

I know I should take younger DD to task for being difficult with older DD, but it is so hard!

I think I need to work on letting go of my anger at older DD for being mean to younger Dd for so long and for not listening to me when I said to stop.  I am not sure how, though.

[Imakcerka]

They say sisters have a special bond... yeah only if they really want it.  The thing I told DD1 from the beginning is that her sister will learn how to be a good sister by how she is treated.  However I didn't account for the little sister just being a superstar whine bag.  Ok I know that's not nice, but the world revolves around her and the moment attention is given to DD1 she gets mad and treats her like trash.  So if you figure out how to get the little one to be nice let me know.

[ollyoxenfree]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle 

I know I should take younger DD to task for being difficult with older DD, but it is so hard!

I think I need to work on letting go of my anger at older DD for being mean to younger Dd for so long and for not listening to me when I said to stop.  I am not sure how, though.

I'm speaking as a younger child who was mercilessly bullied by an older sibling. It would have meant a lot if my parents had intervened more or at least gave me more emotional support when I was a child. It sounds like you've done that for your younger DD. 

I think nurturing healthy relationships is the important goal. To do that, everyone has to let go of the anger and resentment - you and your DDs. Consider it like a kids' argument, only on steroids. At this point, it doesn't really matter "who started it". The only thing that matters is that your home should be a harmonious place where people treat each other with respect and kindness. Certainly, valid problems need to be resolved between them, so I'm not suggesting that disputes should be ignored. I'm just saying that if you can help them find a better way to resolve them, it will be better for everyone in the house. The fact that one person has a longer history in the role of instigator isn't helpful in creating a healthy relationship in the future, even if it is true.   

That's the theory anyway. I have a lot of sympathy for how difficult it is in practice. I still struggle with my feelings and it's been decades. Yeah, I know I should get over it. On an intellectual level, I understand that my sibling was an unhappy child with poor coping mechanisms and a difficult personality. On an emotional level, it's hard to resolve my own negative feelings about the bullying. If you can help your younger DD with it so she isn't carrying her own negative feelings into the future, it will be a blessing to her. 

[kathymuggle]

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree 

I'm speaking as a younger child who was mercilessly bullied by an older sibling. It would have meant a lot if my parents had intervened more or at least gave me more emotional support when I was a child. It sounds like you've done that for your younger DD. 

. If you can help your younger DD with it so she isn't carrying her own negative feelings into the future, it will be a blessing to her. 

Yes, I intervened constantly.  It did not seem to do me any good, and I have some ( quite a bit, actually) of guilt that as the parent I was not able to stop the situation, and that it took me so long to figure out how to deal with it in a way that helped.

What do you wish you had gotten from your parents to help you process the situation?  any key messages?  As for your brother - did he stop at one point - how is he as an adult - have you forgiven him (and are you more angry with your parents or your brother?).  I think you have opened Pandoras Box!

[ollyoxenfree]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle 

Yes, I intervened constantly.  It did not seem to do me any good, and I have some ( quite a bit, actually) of guilt that as the parent I was not able to stop the situation, and that it took me so long to figure out how to deal with it in a way that helped.

What do you wish you had gotten from your parents to help you process the situation?  any key messages?  As for your brother - did he stop at one point - how is he as an adult - have you forgiven him (and are you more angry with your parents or your brother?).  I think you have opened Pandoras Box!

Hmm. Good questions. It was an older sister, BTW, and as an adult she's tried many times to foster a closer relationship. I'm not sure if it would have helped at some point if she had acknowledged how miserable she was toward me (and everyone else). Long ago, I came to understand on my own that she was miserable herself - she just didn't have a naturally happy personality. It's made me more sympathetic toward her, but there's a lack of trust that's hard to overcome. You can't build a good relationship without honest communication, but how can you confide in someone who has belittled you, betrayed you and teased you about your most sensitive issues - even if it happened years and years ago? Once you destroy trust, it's very hard to build it again. I think that's where I have the most trouble with the concept of a friendship now. From my parents, when I was a child, I think it would have helped if I had heard more often that the criticism, belittling and teasing had no foundation - even if they couldn't stop it completely. Some positive messages to counteract the negative would have been appreciated. I may not have been convinced that my sister's view of me was wrong, but it would have been nice to hear it, yk?