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post #21 of 41
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by queenjane View Post

I havent read through all the replies closely so i apologize if this is a repeat or already addressed.

 

 

 

I guess i'm wondering why, if you are super involved with your dd now, the process of having a baby would make her feel left out of everything? Wouldnt you include her as much as possible, as you apparently do right now? I could totally see a child of 4 or 5 being very interested in the pregnancy,  the midwives visits, even the birth...caring for an infant, picking out toys/clothes/etc. You could look at it like "oh no, now she won't have 100 percent of my attention every second of the day!" or you could look at it like "wow a new chapter, and she could be so helpful and involved"...obviously there WILL be times where she wants you to play, but you are nursing or otherwise attending to the baby. I'm not sure why that seems to be the end of the world for you though. Thats life, thats natural. Its not going to hurt her.

 

I have four kids, ages 15, nearly 10, and two who will be 4 in a minute. I ALWAYS wanted close in age kids, but it didnt work out that way. My son was 11.5 when my first adopted son joined the family at three weeks of age. Then my second son joined the family (via foster care) when  he was 16.5 months (and my adopted son was just two weeks old, so like instant twins)....my fourth child joined the family nearly two years ago, when she was 8. I really wish i would have had a closer-in-age sib for my first son, i think he would have had so much fun. But now its like he is an only child with a bunch of younger sibs he doesnt know very well (and its complicated by the fact that he's chosen to live in another state with his other parent.) When i see the relationship with the two little boys, they are so close and have such a ball most of the time (and other times they do try to kill each other it seems)...even my dd at age 9 can play well with the little boys, but adding her as an older child to the family was by far (BY FAR) the hardest adjustment. But she has alot of emotional issues as well. If you do decide to adopt in the future, make sure you really learn everything you can about the child you'd be adopting, as it can work out wonderfully or be the thing that turns your family upside down.

 

 

I totally agree with the PP who said the reason why people say you should have another if you want another, because no one can predict the outcome. Its confusing to me why that would be considered somehow an anti-child sentiment or somehow not at all considering the current child's needs.

 



Eeah. Totally blew my post way out of proportion and you're making rash judgements. It's not the "end of the world," as you so dramatically put it, but it is a concern to me, that she will have to divide our time, resources, attention, and that she's old enough to remember how her life was before we pumped out another unit. I don't know why it's so hard to understand concern over a total upheaval in your child's life. Actually, from what you say, I wonder why you don't seem to be concerned at all, since you've already had one child choose to leave your home and who seems to not be entirely thrilled with his pack of younger siblings.

 

She's the here and now and that's more important than some hypothetical future child. When/if we have another, putting her needs above the real and present second child, won't be an option any more.

 

I would never want to have a second child right away just in order to not have DD be the center of life and "give her a sibling". That's... I'm not even going to go there. Statistically, only children do as well or better than their peers, so I'm not worried about her not having to share her parents for her younger years if that is indeed what we choose to do.

post #22 of 41

It is interesting that you are posting thoughts mainly of how another child will affect your dd but don't mention how it would affect the additional children and their feelings about their place in the family.

 

I would stop focusing on the idea that there is a right spacing between ages that will make your dd feel a certain way about her place in the family or about her sibling. You can't control anyone else's feelings or relationship. You could bring a baby or another 3 year old into your home today and it wouldn't mean they would automatically have some life-long special bond because they are close in age or are 12 years apart. Pre-teens and teens can be very emotional and demanding in their own way. Whatever age gap there is the children may or may not be close to each other or may experience upheaval to their lives just because of their personalities or some event you can't control. 

 

I have a sibling 3 years older and 4 years older than me. Dh has biological and adopted siblings just a couple of years older, 8 years younger, 19 years younger and 31 years younger. The relationships we have with each of our siblings aren't carbon copies of each other but they potentially could all be special depending on what the people involved put into the relationship.

 

Dh and I chose not to have more children. We made that choice when dd was pretty young but are still happy with our family size and she will be 12 years old in a couple of months.

 

I would add to your family when you and your dp feel you are ready and have something to give another child. The timing is neither fair nor unfair to your dd-or to the other child- if you can meet their basic needs. You sound like really loving, thoughtful and involved parents. The children will adjust and be okay whatever you decide.

If you are totally happy with your family size then there is nothing wrong with deciding not to change it at all. You can come to terms with that even if it is different from what you thought you always wanted.

post #23 of 41

Honestly I think it depends on the personality of the child. My older 2 are just over 6 yrs apart and while they will bicker (honestly what siblings don't. There were 6 of us and we did our fair share but love each other to death!) they love each other. I have 3 children 11, 5 and 3 and they play school and blocks and at the park together. DD wanted a sibling so bad but I was not in a position to give her one at that time. It worked for us and worked wonderfully. 

 

I didn't read all the posts but have you talked to your child about how she feels about it? That might put your mind at ease with what you want to do. : )

post #24 of 41
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by onlyzombiecat View Post

It is interesting that you are posting thoughts mainly of how another child will affect your dd but don't mention how it would affect the additional children and their feelings about their place in the family.

 

(cut for length's sake)


I understand. I don't want to project on any future children, because I don't know them. I know DD. I know how she reacts to things and that her personality would likely lead her to fall by the wayside naturally, because she doesnt like to speak up or raise a fuss when she needs something. And I know myself and that I tend to prioritise whatever vies for my attention loudest and demands it immediately- and it wouldn't be DD.

 

Quote:

 

I would add to your family when you and your dp feel you are ready and have something to give another child. The timing is neither fair nor unfair to your dd-or to the other child- if you can meet their basic needs. You sound like really loving, thoughtful and involved parents. The children will adjust and be okay whatever you decide.

If you are totally happy with your family size then there is nothing wrong with deciding not to change it at all. You can come to terms with that even if it is different from what you thought you always wanted.

 

That's at the heart of it. We know we want to have and will have another child. I just don't know how much we can give to them right now, or how much it would take away from DD. Maybe it's guilt, maybe toting her all around the world and only now settling down a little makes both of us feel that we need to focus on her and not disrupt her any more.

 

We've been feeling lots of pressure to have more from family too, so that probably contributes to the uncertainty even though waiting makes the most sense.

 

I think I'm more sure than ever, now. I needed to talk this out, hear my own thoughts back at me. Thanks all. I'm going to have more talks with DP, but he was pretty much already on the side of waiting a few years, it was me and my insecurity with how things have played out, that's really the issue. Thank you all for helping me sort this out, whether or not you agree with our choices/views. The negativity has helped me confirm my feelings just as much as the affirmations.

post #25 of 41

My first two kids are just shy of 4 years apart, for various reasons similar to the OP. Time just went on, I couldn't imagine adding another child before we did. We spent those years very happily being a family of 3, doing all these things that we can not do now as a family of 6. DD1 and I were inseparable, we were like one. I'll be honest, I've never had that relationship with any of my subsequent children. The shift started when we added our second child and then certainly when #3 and 4 came along, it went from DH, DD1 and I basically being on an equal playing field to now it is the kids and then the parents. It just has not been possible to go to the park when 1 kid wants to, everything is much more rigid and scheduled then I every thought our life would be. One upon a time I assumed that we'd be traveling a lot, the kids would be home schooled, and would just follow us around. Ha! Life doesn't turn out as planned, DD1 ended up being severely dyslexic, I tried and tried but I can't teach her, she goes to a small specialty school. Another dream crossed off the list. Our second child also developed medical problems right after she was born and we spent the next two years entirely consumed by her, to the point where DD1 was often just left alone to her own devices far more then the time we spent engaging with her. 

 

 

DD1 is 9 now and it was a mixed blessing when this last baby was born, he is 5 months old currently. A baby makes things that a 9 year old would like to do, or at least my 9 year old who would rather be snowboarding or at the skate park every day, very difficult. Had we just stopped at the two girls, they would be 5 and 9 right now and we could be starting another adventure of not chasing toddlers around but that isn't the case! 

 

 

I don't give the sibling relationship as much weight as other people do because my sister and I were closely spaced to be friends and instead we spent our entire childhood literally trying to kill each other and even as adults, we only tolerate each other because we are family. If we were not family, we would never speak to each other, we only do because we are family.  My girls do fight, a lot. To the point where we end up most days either inviting friends along or splitting them up and therefore the sending the family off in two parts. If we don't, we just ALL end up miserable. DD1 alternates between saying she wishes she still had no siblings to saying, it would be lonely without them. And honestly, she would of been a great only child. She takes her sports quite seriously but I can't allow her to devote the active time she craves because she has siblings. It is always a mixed bag. Life would of been simpler with less children but maybe they will have close sibling relationships or all go on to only have one child! TIme will only tell. You never know what life will bring you. So I'll agree with the posters that are saying you can't plan this all out. I never in my wildest dreams would of thought 6-7 years ago that this would be my life. When DD1 was turning 4, I was still on my "nothing will stop us from homeschooling", all organic food, traveling kick, now just about the only traveling we do it is the local sam's club to pick up my processed food in bulk. Oh how the mighty falls. 

post #26 of 41

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Edited by ChitownTracy - 7/19/12 at 7:53pm
post #27 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vrai View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by LynnS6 View Post

I agree - you're overthinking it. Kids can  benefit from relationships with siblings in ways that you can't imagine. You're not just taking away your focus, you're giving her another relationship to build and develop. She's going to need those other relationships no matter what. They can come from friends or they can come from families. If the decision is right for you, as a family, then do it. Personally, I think it puts too much of a burden on a small child to be the one determining (even if you never tell her) when it's OK for the family to expand.

 

(And if you're considering adoption, you might want to hang out in the Adoptive and Foster Parenting forum. Adopting an older child can be very different, and would most likely require a lot of time and energy on your part. You're not going to get an instant playmate whether you're having a baby or adopting an older child. An older child is going to need to learn they are safe in your house and to trust you. An infant will need to grow and develop.)


Oh I fully understand that part. That's part of why I'm so hesitant to bring another child into our home, whatever way we end up going with.

 

I know she needs relationships, we're working on settling down somewhere for that very reason. It's different, having a sibling when the next oldest child is truly a child, not a baby or a toddler. She'll remember it if we do have another child: she'll remember Before Sibling, and After Sibling, and how she had her parents' full attention Before.

 

I just question how much benefit a sibling at this point in her life could be, or whether it would just make her feel left out of everything. I'm wondering if settling in near relatives with similar age kids would be of more benefit, and for my partner and I to wait some years to TTC or adopt. I guess I'm speaking form a position of internal conflict. I have an amazingly close relationship with my brother. We're a year apart and were, at many points, each other's only friend, for a variety of reasons. I KNOW DD will probably never have that now. The age gap is too big for them to really be playmates, at most it would happen once they grew older, if at all. It might just be better to raise two (for all intents and purposes) only children, or raise DD as an only and then later have the larger family we thought about originally.

 

Again, I really don't think that you CAN overthink these kind of life-changing decisions. It's not just her life we'd be changing either. I don't understand that frame of mind of "if you want one have one," like it's as simple as buying a candy bar or something.

 

We aren't burdening her with anything. We're burdening ourselves with making the decisions that will affect her drastically - we're being parents. We're considering the wellbeing and happiness of a child who's already been here 4 years, before that of a hypothetical future child.


I haven't read past this post, but I think you need to consider that a new sibling might be a good thing for your dd. she may not think of Before sibling as being better than after.

My cousins are 4 years apart in age. They adore each other, and are incredibly close. The older one does remember being an only, and yes her life changed when her sister was born, but she loves her sister and would NEVER ask to be an only. They are 16 and 20 now, and if you asked the older one, she would say that having a sibling was very positive for her.
post #28 of 41


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vrai View Post

Also wanted to ask those of you with multiple children - what is your kids' relationship REALLY like?...

Maybe I was looking for someone to tell me my doubts are well-founded, or to give a more child-focused perspective on it, since I assumed there'd be more like me here. I definitely wasn't expecting to be told to just pump out another unit whenever I felt like it, to hell with DD's feelings or needs, though.


 

That's pretty seriously NOT what I said. My kids are 13 1/2 and 15. They are only a year and a half apart. If your child were very young, my response would have been completely different. I wouldn't wish closely spaced children on an enemy. It was extremely tough to practice APing with such closely spaced babies.

 

But your DD is older, and it sounds like you are your husband/partner are in a stable relationship. I think that once a child is about 2, if the parents *want* another child and feel ready for it, the first child isn't a reason to not have one.

 

I don't think that it is healthy for everything in a family to revolved around one member of the family -- be even if that one person is a child. I don't think you are doing your DD any favors by being completely child centered -- whether or not you decide to have more kids. There is a massive difference between "not everything revolves around you" and "to hell with your feelings."  You don't seem to understand that, and eventually, if you and your DH stick with just one kid, the 3 of you will have to work that out.

 

Child spacing is an odd thing. So many people start off with ideals of what would be perfect, but few people end up with what they had planned. Often, people cannot conceive when they want to, or have a miscarriage. Sometimes children come along when we least expect them. Sometimes, a parent's relationship end and the parent end up with a new partner who already has children, or the new couple decides that having a child together would complete their blended family.

 

And yet children in all those circumstances CAN thrive. How well children do with any sibling configuration depends partly on the how well the parents handle things, and partly on the child's own choices. There is no perfect, but there are limitless OKs.

 

You asked how our kids really get along. Over the years, that's varied widely for my girls. It was toughest in the preschool years because sharing is a difficult. They've also gone through periods of being best friends. They've supported each other when times were tough. They've been there for every major event in each other's lives. I cannot image either of them having to go through life without the other. For each of them, having a sibling is the best thing we could have done for them.

 

No, not every moment has been easy. Some of been rough, but some of those rough moments where very character building for my kids. When you practice GD and AP with multiple kids, it means that they grow up learning what's it like to always treat others with compassion, even your sister. There are a lot of life lessons my kids would have missed out on if we had skipped those difficult lessons.

 

My advice is to have another child *when you want one.*  Not when you think it is the perfect time for your DD, or when your extend family thinks you should. But because you know in your heart that there is a baby (or older child) that you want to love and nurture and watch grow into whoever they are.  Have another child, or adopt, from your heart

post #29 of 41
Thread Starter 

(Delete, tired of this passive-aggressive shit.)

post #30 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vrai View Post



Eeah. Totally blew my post way out of proportion and you're making rash judgements. It's not the "end of the world," as you so dramatically put it, but it is a concern to me, that she will have to divide our time, resources, attention, and that she's old enough to remember how her life was before we pumped out another unit. I don't know why it's so hard to understand concern over a total upheaval in your child's life. Actually, from what you say, I wonder why you don't seem to be concerned at all, since you've already had one child choose to leave your home and who seems to not be entirely thrilled with his pack of younger siblings.

 

She's the here and now and that's more important than some hypothetical future child. When/if we have another, putting her needs above the real and present second child, won't be an option any more.

 

I would never want to have a second child right away just in order to not have DD be the center of life and "give her a sibling". That's... I'm not even going to go there. Statistically, only children do as well or better than their peers, so I'm not worried about her not having to share her parents for her younger years if that is indeed what we choose to do.


I find it interesting that *I* supposedly blew your post way out of proportion but you have now at least twice called *adding a child to your family* "pumping out another unit...thats horrible. Pumping out another unit?!

 

Look, if you dont want to share your mothering time with another child *dont have one*...you are responding as if you have proclaimed you only want one child but others are insisting you have more. But YOU have said you wanted lots of kids but you're so very worried about the effect on your current child. People here who actually HAVE MORE THAN ONE CHILD are saying that it will be fine. That you shouldnt worry so much, and that having another child is likely to not harm your daughter, devastate her, or leave her with lasting scars of remembering how "another unit came and everything changed"...you seem to be framing this in such a negative way, and frankly i dont understand why. Even above you said "putting her needs above the real and present second child wont be an option any more"...when you have more than one child, yes of course sometimes you must tend to one and the other must wait. Its not like "oh god do i stem the blood flow on this missing foot, or apply pressure to that one's gun shot wound?!? what do i do???" no its...honey im changing a diaper, i'll look at your picture in a minute. Or I'm reading with sissy right now, but i promise to play superheroes with you just as soon as im done. Sometimes it sucks...i remember the very day my third son came home, and both were screaming with the shock of an instant sib and i sat there with a boy on each knee and felt like crying myself. (I had specifically requested a newborn, not a one year old, and the "one year old" i was supposed to be picking up turned out to be nearly 17 months old and just my son's age.) But within a day they were fast friends and are each others best friends. The boys ask me quite regularly to adopt a baby, my daughter isnt that thrilled with the idea but im sure would adjust.

 

you know...its possible, even likely, that your daughter will be thrilled with a sibling.

 

The comment about my son leaving home was a really low blow, im actually shocked you felt totally ok posting that. There are many factors going into my son choosing to live with his father (initially it was to attend a performing arts school in that city)...but frankly it doesnt help your argument any. It was actually kinda tough to have such a large age gap, for him to be a teen and have little sibs...i think it would have been MUCH better for him to have added sibs when he was six and not a teen, as he eventually got used to being the "only child."  Its not easy having everything change right in the middle of the onset of puberty, but if you think thats a fantastic idea, have at it! thumb.gif

 

I'll have to go back and reread the comments but you talk about the "negativity"...the most negative comments i've seen so far are coming from you. I dont get it. Maybe i'm reading a level of hostility to those of us who have chosen differently that isnt there or you didnt intend. But alot of words have been twisted (talking about choosing to have another child as picking a candy bar, pumping out another unit, equating not having your current child be the one to make a lifechanging decision as equal to completely disregarding your child's needs....none of this anyone said.

 

I'm one of eight children. As far as i know, not one of us is unhappy about the existence of the others. The closest age gap in the group is less than two years and the biggest is 23 years. We each have our own degrees of closeness with one another and age has little to do with it (my sisters are 8 years and 16 years older than me and we're pretty close, and i'm close to my brother who is 2.5 years older...but i have two brothers who are a year or two apart who havent spoken in over twenty years. You just never can tell.)

 

I guess i dont get the focus on how it would have been better to add a child before she knew any different, as if somehow her needs would have been better met being a year or two old and having to share, rather than being five or six and having to share. That doesnt make alot of sense to me. I think the reason why people tend to think "2.5-3 years" is the ideal spacing is that at that point the child is somewhat old enough to understand what is happening, is a bit more independant and is able to wait a minute to have her needs met. Then again, im not a big believer in making my child the absolute center of the universe (that is, i dont think its a bad thing if the child would have to share attention with a parent...heck you have TWO parents in the family, so at least it would be easier to give them individual time!) but i can see how others might think thats the way to go.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

post #31 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vrai View Post

That's at the heart of it. We know we want to have and will have another child. I just don't know how much we can give to them right now, or how much it would take away from DD. Maybe it's guilt, maybe toting her all around the world and only now settling down a little makes both of us feel that we need to focus on her and not disrupt her any more.

put me also in the camp of over thinking it. the point is no one can answer your questions. not even your dd. 

 

you and dh have to look deep within yourselves and decide what both of YOU want. how you feel - without taking in the pressures from family all around. 

 

my mom has 4 siblings. one just a year and a half younger and the youngest 9 years younger. she would shout and say NO siblings when she her mom was pregnant with her brother - but they are thick as thieves. all very close with each other. the key there - imho - a VERY close knit family. mom and dad VERY much in love with each other and happy parents to their kids.

 

in contrast my dad's family - 6 kids all closely spaced. messed up family life. gpa a philanderer. gma quiet women who stayed put and put up not a  fight against her v. autocratic dh. none of the kids are close. 

 

i unfortunately landed with just one dd. she wanted more siblings, i wanted more children but alas becoming a single mom did not help. 

 

the point is if you and your dh really want a child - how your child feels should not factor in because you can help your child deal with another baby. 

 

dd is 9. she sees her friends deal with so many issues over younger siblings. jealousy, time and so much more. and yet dd herself has noted inspite of all of that 'bad' stuff, the younger siblings have no better defender than their older sibling. as dd has noted - her friends cant bear to live with their siblings at times, at other times, they cant bear to be apart. 

 

remember fighting, arguing is a part of life. its life learning skills. you even see young animals do that. to prepare for adulthood. to figure out how to be. my bro and i fought like crazy when young. but at the same time we wouldnt eat even when we were hungry until the other sibling joined at the table. 

post #32 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vrai View Post

(( Deleted. Didn't mean for this to turn into an opportunity for anyone to start drama and toot their own horn. ))

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vrai View Post

Also wanted to ask those of you with multiple children - what is your kids' relationship REALLY like?


 

you asked. You just didn't like the answer. That's not because I or any one else here has been passive aggressive.

 

I think you really, deeply do not want another child at this time, and you are looking for validation of that. That's fine. It's fine to not want another child right now. Really. You may not ever want another child, or you might some day. And that's all ok.

 

You are more likely to get validation when you need it if you clearly request it, rather than asking a question that has lots and lots of right answers.

 

If you WANTED another child, your DD could adjust. But just because she could, it doesn't mean that you have to have a child that you do not want. Because I don't think you sound like you want another child at this time, which is why you are annoyed at stories of siblings who get along.

 

And it's OK to not have more kids right now. Really.

 

 

post #33 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vrai View Post





Eeah. Totally blew my post way out of proportion and you're making rash judgements. It's not the "end of the world," as you so dramatically put it, but it is a concern to me, that she will have to divide our time, resources, attention, and that she's old enough to remember how her life was before we pumped out another unit. I don't know why it's so hard to understand concern over a total upheaval in your child's life. Actually, from what you say, I wonder why you don't seem to be concerned at all, since you've already had one child choose to leave your home and who seems to not be entirely thrilled with his pack of younger siblings.

 

She's the here and now and that's more important than some hypothetical future child. When/if we have another, putting her needs above the real and present second child, won't be an option any more.

 

I would never want to have a second child right away just in order to not have DD be the center of life and "give her a sibling". That's... I'm not even going to go there. Statistically, only children do as well or better than their peers, so I'm not worried about her not having to share her parents for her younger years if that is indeed what we choose to do.



I agree the comment to queenjane was a cheap shot and uncalled for. I think Linda on the move and queenjane have given you some great insight.

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by queenjane View Post




I find it interesting that *I* supposedly blew your post way out of proportion but you have now at least twice called *adding a child to your family* "pumping out another unit...thats horrible. Pumping out another unit?!

 

Look, if you dont want to share your mothering time with another child *dont have one*...you are responding as if you have proclaimed you only want one child but others are insisting you have more. But YOU have said you wanted lots of kids but you're so very worried about the effect on your current child. People here who actually HAVE MORE THAN ONE CHILD are saying that it will be fine. That you shouldnt worry so much, and that having another child is likely to not harm your daughter, devastate her, or leave her with lasting scars of remembering how "another unit came and everything changed"...you seem to be framing this in such a negative way, and frankly i dont understand why. Even above you said "putting her needs above the real and present second child wont be an option any more"...when you have more than one child, yes of course sometimes you must tend to one and the other must wait. Its not like "oh god do i stem the blood flow on this missing foot, or apply pressure to that one's gun shot wound?!? what do i do???" no its...honey im changing a diaper, i'll look at your picture in a minute. Or I'm reading with sissy right now, but i promise to play superheroes with you just as soon as im done. Sometimes it sucks...i remember the very day my third son came home, and both were screaming with the shock of an instant sib and i sat there with a boy on each knee and felt like crying myself. (I had specifically requested a newborn, not a one year old, and the "one year old" i was supposed to be picking up turned out to be nearly 17 months old and just my son's age.) But within a day they were fast friends and are each others best friends. The boys ask me quite regularly to adopt a baby, my daughter isnt that thrilled with the idea but im sure would adjust.

 

you know...its possible, even likely, that your daughter will be thrilled with a sibling.

 

The comment about my son leaving home was a really low blow, im actually shocked you felt totally ok posting that. There are many factors going into my son choosing to live with his father (initially it was to attend a performing arts school in that city)...but frankly it doesnt help your argument any. It was actually kinda tough to have such a large age gap, for him to be a teen and have little sibs...i think it would have been MUCH better for him to have added sibs when he was six and not a teen, as he eventually got used to being the "only child."  Its not easy having everything change right in the middle of the onset of puberty, but if you think thats a fantastic idea, have at it! thumb.gif

 

I'll have to go back and reread the comments but you talk about the "negativity"...the most negative comments i've seen so far are coming from you. I dont get it. Maybe i'm reading a level of hostility to those of us who have chosen differently that isnt there or you didnt intend. But alot of words have been twisted (talking about choosing to have another child as picking a candy bar, pumping out another unit, equating not having your current child be the one to make a lifechanging decision as equal to completely disregarding your child's needs....none of this anyone said.

 

I'm one of eight children. As far as i know, not one of us is unhappy about the existence of the others. The closest age gap in the group is less than two years and the biggest is 23 years. We each have our own degrees of closeness with one another and age has little to do with it (my sisters are 8 years and 16 years older than me and we're pretty close, and i'm close to my brother who is 2.5 years older...but i have two brothers who are a year or two apart who havent spoken in over twenty years. You just never can tell.)

 

I guess i dont get the focus on how it would have been better to add a child before she knew any different, as if somehow her needs would have been better met being a year or two old and having to share, rather than being five or six and having to share. That doesnt make alot of sense to me. I think the reason why people tend to think "2.5-3 years" is the ideal spacing is that at that point the child is somewhat old enough to understand what is happening, is a bit more independant and is able to wait a minute to have her needs met. Then again, im not a big believer in making my child the absolute center of the universe (that is, i dont think its a bad thing if the child would have to share attention with a parent...heck you have TWO parents in the family, so at least it would be easier to give them individual time!) but i can see how others might think thats the way to go.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 

post #34 of 41

My last foray into this topic - not for the OP who clearly has made her decision, but for others reading it.

 

I would seriously question the premise that having children really close in age will guarantee that they will be close, or that having them 4+ years apart will guarantee that they won't, or that the older child will resent the younger. You just can't predict. Because of that, the decision needs to be made based on whether the parents think they can parent more than one child, not based on what the hypothetical relationship to the siblings will be. I'm pretty sure the research shows that the relationship with the parents is primary, and will affect the relationships with the siblings.

post #35 of 41

toot toot... I had to. 

post #36 of 41

Snowflake would likely be fine with a sibling and likely be fine without one. It's really up to you and your DH to decide. Your DD really can't make an informed decision. My nephew was four when his baby brother was born. He was so against having a sibling because "babies mess things up." He had no idea that tiny babies are unlikely to come over and knock over his Legos. He was picturing the toddler siblings of his friends. He ADORED his baby brother from Day 1.

 

Pumping out another unit... I have no words.

post #37 of 41

Wait who said pumping out another unit?  

post #38 of 41

The OP. Once in her original post and once in a response.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post

Wait who said pumping out another unit?  



 

post #39 of 41

Huh... I think I'm going to start using that one as calling my kids crotch fruit pisses off lots of people too.  that is sarcasm.  Ha... pumping out kids... like a factory!  Kind of takes away the beauty of it all.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Polliwog View Post

The OP. Once in her original post and once in a response.
 



 



 

post #40 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post

Huh... I think I'm going to start using that one as calling my kids crotch fruit pisses off lots of people too.  that is sarcasm.  Ha... pumping out kids... like a factory!  Kind of takes away the beauty of it all.
 



 



Wow, crotch fruit!  Have not heard that one!! 

 

I'm going to call DS "Unit 1" just once sometime, to bug my mom.  She gets mad when I refer to children as "kids".  "They are not baby goats."

 

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