Will toddler wean if I go out of town?

[andromedajulie]

My DD2 is 18 mo and I am feeling an intense need to get away for a little bit. I need a little time alone, probably with my best friend, not taking care of anyone for a few days. I would not have considered this sooner but I'm starting to feel desperate.

DD2 was exclusively bf and never took a bottle. I've never been away from her overnight. I wouldn't leave her with anyone else (as much as DH & I want to go away together), but I feel confident leaving her with DH. She and DH are very attached and he puts her to bed most nights. However, I nurse her 1-2 times during the night.

At this point, obviously, she doesn't rely on nursing for food although she likes the snack in the night. Mainly it's for nurturing and comfort. I know if I'm not there, DH can provide awesome nurturing, although it's not the same as mama's breast.

I feel pretty confident that she will not wean if I am gone one night (which I may do relatively soon). However, I am worried that if I leave for more than that, she may wean. I am hoping she will wean when she is ready to grow in that direction - not because I left town. That feels so sad to me; even though I am going crazy, that's not what I want. I have always intended that I would nurse for at least 2 years, and since she's not a demanding nurser, I don't mind going longer.  What would happen to my milk and what would happen when I get back? If I go on a 5 day cruise, will she give up the breast? Would I have to pump? At what point do I say, ok, I'm not weaning her but whatever happens, happens? I guess babies are all different, but how does it work for other people? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

[lifeguard]

Every child is different but one night is unlikely to cause weaning. I went for a couple weekends & at 20 months I went for 2 weeks & ds still did not wean. A break can be a really good thing for mama.

[andromedajulie]

thanks... i appreciate the feedback and would love to hear more people's experiences. yes, a break would be a REALLY GREAT THING!!!!!!! :)

[Bokonon]

I went away for 2 nights when DD was 18 months old and still nursing quite a bit.  I hand-expressed a couple of times a day, and she resumed without incident when I returned.  In fact, as soon as we got home from the airport, I nursed her to sleep.  :)

That said, it is a risk.  Some toddlers might wean during a separation.  At 18 months, I was ok taking that risk, even though I didn't want to wean then, but I was pretty confident that DD wouldn't wean because she was a frequent nurser and still needed it.  She had a great weekend with lots of Daddy snuggles and went on to wean at age 2.

[foreverinbluejeans]

Is it worth the chance? That was the question I always asked myself. I figured out other ways to meet my wants without compromising my little ones' needs for me (and my breasts).

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by foreverinbluejeans 

Is it worth the chance? That was the question I always asked myself. I figured out other ways to meet my wants without compromising my little ones' needs for me (and my breasts).

I think so. If a momma needs some "me" time, at this late in the game of nursing I think its worth the chance. Honestly, if a toddler is going to wean after one night away from his momma, he was probably ready anyway. I know that if I had taken milk from my DD for one night she would have asked for it as soon as she saw me.

[andromedajulie]

Originally Posted by foreverinbluejeans 

Is it worth the chance? That was the question I always asked myself. I figured out other ways to meet my wants without compromising my little ones' needs for me (and my breasts).

I think so. If a momma needs some "me" time, at this late in the game of nursing I think its worth the chance. Honestly, if a toddler is going to wean after one night away from his momma, he was probably ready anyway. I know that if I had taken milk from my DD for one night she would have asked for it as soon as she saw me.

thank you, adaline's mama! i was hearing my own inner guilt when I read that. :) what you say makes a lot of sense. I appreciate all these thoughts. thanks everyone! 

[thistime]

Not sure about the weaning question, since I'm in the same boat here wondering how long I'd have to go away for her to wean, but here's some advice about pumping when away from your toddler.  When I'm away for 12 hours, I pump just fine. More than that, and the milk doesn't come out!  Holy plugged ducts!  This never happened to me when I traveled at 8 or 13 months, but I was shocked at 17 months that my pump couldn't do the job.  You don't want to be stuck on a 5 day cruise without a backup baby to nurse :)

I am a HUGE advocate of time away.  As you said, you're feeling desperate - don't ignore that feeling, indulge it.  Trying just one night away from her to start is a great idea.  One thing I do sometimes is bring my daughter to my parents' house, nurse her, then leave for bedtime.  Pump in the morning, then come see her the next night at bedtime.  Then pump the next morning, and pick her up Sunday afternoon.  That kind of hybrid time away is so perfect because I'm less worried about weaning, the pump not working, her being freaked out by my disappering, etc.

Good luck, and have fun on your time off!  It truly is such a demanding job, you deserve it.

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 


I think so. If a momma needs some "me" time, at this late in the game of nursing I think its worth the chance. Honestly, if a toddler is going to wean after one night away from his momma, he was probably ready anyway. I know that if I had taken milk from my DD for one night she would have asked for it as soon as she saw me.

ITA with this.  Although I wouldn't leave for 5 days, nursing or not.  I have done 2 nights away from a nursing child though and 3 nights away from a weaned one.  2 was just about right for me.

[Mulvah]

I went away for two days/one night when my LO was around 22 months old.  He didn't wean and asked to nurse when I returned.
 

Originally Posted by foreverinbluejeans 

Is it worth the chance? That was the question I always asked myself. I figured out other ways to meet my wants without compromising my little ones' needs for me (and my breasts).

At that age, yes. 

The words you're choosing to use are somewhat insensitive.  Many people don't just want to get away, but need to get away for their own mental health, which translates into being a better parent. 
 

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 


I think so. If a momma needs some "me" time, at this late in the game of nursing I think its worth the chance. Honestly, if a toddler is going to wean after one night away from his momma, he was probably ready anyway. I know that if I had taken milk from my DD for one night she would have asked for it as soon as she saw me.

This.

[Mom31]

I weaned my 3 yo in the month of June and he broke his leg in October and resumed nursing.

I don't know. He is 8 now and I think if I let him he could still nurse he nursed till after he was 4.

[mum2sarah]

I don't think foreverinbluejeans was trying to be insensitive; just offering 1. a reality check--if DD weans will you feel ok about it or will you regret your trip? and 2. a suggestion to try to find ways to answer your feelings of wanting to get away while answering DD's desire to nurse so as to work towards a win-win scenario if the answer to the first question is that you'd regret the trip if DD weans.

Only you can answer that first question and speculations as to whether, if she did wean, it was an indicator that she'd have been ready soon;  you know your child best!  But let me just share my experience:  I took a trip when DD2 was 2yrs 5mo old to NYC for 5 days.  I really didn't think this would interfere with her continuing to nurse because DD1 had only just weaned a few months prior at 4 years old and she had gradually tapered off; whereas DD2 was still nursing a lot.  Sadly, though, the trip really did destroy our nursing relationship.  I came home and she didn't seek comfort at the breast any longer.  I realized my milk would dry up if she didn't start nursing again, and I kept offering to nurse her, but she only did a few times here and there(like once every few days instead of multiple times per day),  then abruptly just stopped altogether.  People didn't understand how sad I was, because she'd gotten a good 2.5 yrs of nursing but I knew in my heart that it was because of my actions that she weaned.  Was she ready anyhow?  I can say with certainty "no."  How do I know?  When she got a little older, she told me so herself.  She's now 7 and still misses nursing--she says she didn't realize at the time that if she stopped my milk would be gone.  When she was almost 4 is when she first started asking me "why don't I nurse anymore?" and she even cried about it several times, mourning the loss of the nursing relationship.  I even considered trying to re-initiate nursing with her, just for comfort even though I had no more milk, but her dad and I had since divorced and shared custody so I figured that was one too many challenges.

So...  I am not sharing this story to make you feel guilty or to say what you ought to do, but just to give an example of the flip side.  It is a very personal decision, and your DD is younger than mine  Iwas so that may limit how much our situations compare.  But I do think you need to realistically face the worst case scenario, assess the risk, and decide if you are ok with that risk.  Just go into it with your eyes open and you will make the right decision for you and your family.  good luck!

[foreverinbluejeans]

Mum2sara, it's normal for a mother to very sad if her breastfeeding relationship ends before she is ready. Women that haven't been through it can't really understand. I'm sorry you and your daughter had such a difficult weaning. 

Women get support for having "me" time and leaving their baby. It seems like everyone tells them either they deserve the time away, don't worry your child will nurse when you get back, or if they wean they were ready to wean anyway. I have heard many stories like mum2sara's, the toddler won't nurse when she gets back. I've also heard the stories of plugged ducts, mastitis, and other problems. If a child weans following a separation it doesn't mean they are ready. It can be such a traumatic experience that it causes the child to have psychological issues that cause premature weaning. The mother can experience unexpectedly overwhelming grief when her child rejects breastfeeding. She may feel her child is rejecting her and will feel guilt about her decisions.

I believe a nursling has a need to be with their mother. Breastfeeding at its best is a symbiotic relationship. Too much time away from each other can be traumatic for mother or child. Mothers may believe they need "me" time. Breastfeeding is a need, "me" time is a want. I believe the nurslings needs are more important than the mother's wants. The nursling has no choice if she leaves them. The mother can figure out ways to be happy without focusing on "me" time. This generation of mothers is the "me" generation. Just because you have heard you need "me" time doesn't make it so. Often women that leave their nursling behind to seek their pleasure end up not even having fun. The lactation hormones are strong and encourage mothers and babies to be together.

You can expect to live 100 years. The 2 or more years that you are breastfeeding your child is such a small amount of time. You will have the rest of your life for "me" time. The symbiotic breastfeeding relationship involves hormones that flood the brain and encourage mothering behavior and mother and baby togetherness. Its biology and how the human race has survived. Someone called me insensitive. I am being sensitive and an advocate for the nursling, the person with no power.

I could be all wrong and mothers don't matter to nurslings and all will be fine if mom takes off. She will have fun while she is away and not miss her baby terribly. Mom will come back happier and ready to shift back into her mothering role. The nursling resumes nursing or doesn't it; it really doesn't matter. Symbiosis is a crazy idea and doesn't matter to the baby or mother. Breastfeeding is just a way of feeding.

[Bokonon]

Originally Posted by foreverinbluejeans 

This generation of mothers is the "me" generation. Just because you have heard you need "me" time doesn't make it so. Often women that leave their nursling behind to seek their pleasure end up not even having fun. The lactation hormones are strong and encourage mothers and babies to be together.

No, this generation of mothers is the "doing it without a tribe to help out" generation.  When a mom has been doing it on her own through toddlerhood, having "me" time isn't always a want, it is very much a need.  The crushing pressure of not having much help or support is very different from just wanting to be self-indulgent.

I "left" my nursling for 2 nights in the hands of her loving, capable father so I could visit my best friend whom I hadn't seen in years.  Did I have fun?  HELL YES.  And I didn't feel the least bit guilty, because my DD had sucked the life out of me for the 18 months prior.

I'm a huge advocate of extended breastfeeding.  But when Mom feels like the sound of her child's voice or being groped one more time is going to throw her over the edge, and a couple of days away might actually HELP that mother-child relationship, then I am all for it.

Edited by Bokonon - 1/22/12 at 4:13pm

[anjsmama]

Originally Posted by Bokonon 

No, this generation of mothers is the "doing it without a tribe to help out" generation.  When a mom has been doing it on her own through toddlerhood, having "me" time isn't always a want, it is very much a need.  The crushing pressure of not having much help or support is very different from just wanting to be self-indulgent.

I "left" my nursling for 2 nights in the hands of her loving, capable father so I could visit my best friend whom I hadn't seen in years.  Did I have fun?  HELL YES.  And I didn't feel the least bit guilty, because my DD had sucked the life out of me for the 18 months prior.

I'm a huge advocate of extended breastfeeding.  But when Mom feels like she sound of her child's voice or being groped one more time is going to throw her over the edge, and a couple of days away might actually HELP that mother-child relationship, then I am all for it.

Seriously! How ridiculous to anyone making her feel like she's abandoning her child to sow some wild oats or something. I am doing this on my own here! DH works A LOT, no family in the area, no close friends helping out with child rearing. I have a 3.5 y/o and a 1 y/o and you can bet when DD gets past 18 months or so I am going to take a weekend to myself. I won't feel guilty for a second. I've devoted every moment of my life, every inch of my body to my kids for more than 4 years already, I'm pretty sure that 2 days (in their stretch of 100 years, right?) isn't going to kill them or make them doubt me. Whatever a mother chooses to do that ends up making her a better, healthier, more patient mother - is a good thing. 

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by foreverinbluejeans 

Mum2sara, it's normal for a mother to very sad if her breastfeeding relationship ends before she is ready. Women that haven't been through it can't really understand. I'm sorry you and your daughter had such a difficult weaning. 

Women get support for having "me" time and leaving their baby. It seems like everyone tells them either they deserve the time away, don't worry your child will nurse when you get back, or if they wean they were ready to wean anyway. I have heard many stories like mum2sara's, the toddler won't nurse when she gets back. I've also heard the stories of plugged ducts, mastitis, and other problems. If a child weans following a separation it doesn't mean they are ready. It can be such a traumatic experience that it causes the child to have psychological issues that cause premature weaning. The mother can experience unexpectedly overwhelming grief when her child rejects breastfeeding. She may feel her child is rejecting her and will feel guilt about her decisions.

I believe a nursling has a need to be with their mother. Breastfeeding at its best is a symbiotic relationship. Too much time away from each other can be traumatic for mother or child. Mothers may believe they need "me" time. Breastfeeding is a need, "me" time is a want. I believe the nurslings needs are more important than the mother's wants. The nursling has no choice if she leaves them. The mother can figure out ways to be happy without focusing on "me" time. This generation of mothers is the "me" generation. Just because you have heard you need "me" time doesn't make it so. Often women that leave their nursling behind to seek their pleasure end up not even having fun. The lactation hormones are strong and encourage mothers and babies to be together.

You can expect to live 100 years. The 2 or more years that you are breastfeeding your child is such a small amount of time. You will have the rest of your life for "me" time. The symbiotic breastfeeding relationship involves hormones that flood the brain and encourage mothering behavior and mother and baby togetherness. Its biology and how the human race has survived. Someone called me insensitive. I am being sensitive and an advocate for the nursling, the person with no power.

I could be all wrong and mothers don't matter to nurslings and all will be fine if mom takes off. She will have fun while she is away and not miss her baby terribly. Mom will come back happier and ready to shift back into her mothering role. The nursling resumes nursing or doesn't it; it really doesn't matter. Symbiosis is a crazy idea and doesn't matter to the baby or mother. Breastfeeding is just a way of feeding.

Let's get one things straight right now. The current life expectancy for women in the United States is 80, not 100. And considering that for the first 18 years we are all pretty much only allowed to do what our parents tell us to do, and then we (we, all the selfish "me time" mothers of our generation) have usually AT LEAST 18 years of child rearing to do ourselves (which, lets face it, no one is truly free while you have kids at home.), and most people of the age group 70-80 dont really have a lot of freedom to do as they please because most humans develop health issues in the last 10 years of life, that leaves us with a grand total (maximum...if you have more than one kid it goes down) 46 years of our life where the amount of "me time" is super limited. Over half your life expectancy.

I love how you define our generation of mothers as the "me time" generation. Are you aware of the fact that more mothers co sleeping (or sharing rooms with their children and breastfeeding their children than the women of your generation? Where exactly is the "me time" in all this? And where you do you get the "this generation of mothers" part? There are 45 year old moms on MDC that are TTC #1 and 21 year old moms of three here. The generational gaps are huge. There is no such thing as "this generation of mothers."

If the OP is anything like me, she probably spends most of her time with her LO, rarely sees or spends time with anyone besides her DH that is an adult, walks around humming the tune to some obnoxious toy that her MIL bought for hours every day, and feels extremely isolated from her friends and like all she has done since her son has been born is be a mom. Which is great, right? And you are supposed to do that until you are all done nursing and then it will be time for another baby. And she can do it all over again. And god forbid she need a night away. Time off, what's that? And if Im not mistaken, your son is still pretty much at the boob, right? As in you still live together, he cant do anything without your approval or judgment- still very much attached to mama? Is that the same one that you wish you had aborted because you claim he ruined your life and made you have a disease that has made you miserable for the past 25 years? Because if that is your idea of being a super martyr mommy who doesnt need any "me time", I sure am glad I had my ONE girls' night out while DD was still nursing and before I got pregnant with this one. Because I would hate to be in your situation when Im old enough to be a grandmother.


OP, believe it or not, women's sole purpose on earth is to raise children and sacrifice everything so that they can have everything they would ever need or want. Every single night, for the rest of your life. My bad for telling you to go have fun and leave nursing up to your nursling when you return. I was just being a selfish "me time" mom of my generation.

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by Bokonon 

No, this generation of mothers is the "doing it without a tribe to help out" generation.  When a mom has been doing it on her own through toddlerhood, having "me" time isn't always a want, it is very much a need.  The crushing pressure of not having much help or support is very different from just wanting to be self-indulgent.

I "left" my nursling for 2 nights in the hands of her loving, capable father so I could visit my best friend whom I hadn't seen in years.  Did I have fun?  HELL YES.  And I didn't feel the least bit guilty, because my DD had sucked the life out of me for the 18 months prior.

I'm a huge advocate of extended breastfeeding.  But when Mom feels like the sound of her child's voice or being groped one more time is going to throw her over the edge, and a couple of days away might actually HELP that mother-child relationship, then I am all for it.

How selfish of you! Having fun, while your poor child was left at the hands of her father with no boobies!

[anjsmama]

   

[marinak1977]

I totally agree with the PP. Motherhood is not a contest in martyrdom. It is about finding a balance that allows the mother to be the best parent she can, and taking care of oneself is a very important part to that balance.
For my anecdata - I went away for 3 nights on a business trip when DS was 19 months. He wasn't even nightweaned then. I was terrified. In reality, he slept well with DH comforting him and when I got home he asked to nurse. He is 2 now and still nursing away (although we did nightwean).
OP - take care of yourself and don't feel guilty for taking a break. :

[~pi]

I left my older DS for work trips starting when he was 20mo. I did a full day trip first (gone about 18 hours, including morning nurse time and bedtime), then a one night trip, then three nights, and then pretty soon I was away for a week at a time. He did not stop nursing. In fact, I swear the breaks extended the nursing relationship, because if I hadn't had the breaks, I would have weaned him way earlier out of exhaustion.

OP, in your shoes, I would try a night or two away and see how it goes. If it went well, then I'd try for the 5 night cruise. You'll probably want to either be good at hand expression or have a pump so that you can pump a little for your own comfort.

At 18 months, my opinion of the risk-benefit balance is that the benefits to your well-being are definitely worth the (very small) risk of her weaning. I agree with the pp that if a toddler/preschooler weans because of a brief interruption (and 5 days is brief), s/he was probably ready to wean.