If you are divorced, how long did it take?

[tireesix]

Bearing in mind I am in the UK.

Things have gotten rubbish with the ex. I have decided to just file for divorce and get it over with.

He comes over and has bought the girls loadsa stuff (a lot of it is super messy stuff, so he comes over, gives them this stuff, they make a mess and ex says 'this place is a tip' and I'm like, you bought this stuff, sure hes doing it on purpose).

He keeps bringing up the past, hes accusing me of having had an affair for the past year (so not true), stealing his post, accusing me of having 'company', that kinda company, just because I bought a bottle of wine.

Hes been accusing me of just wanting money for the kids so I can spend it on what I want, hes been harassing me about getting this custody agreement thing signed, his own solicitor said that I could get legal advice but the ex expects me to just sign it and give it back. He says I am doing it on purpose, I'm not (will explain situation bit better in a minute).

He wants me to apply for child benefit for just one of the girls and he will get it for the other 2, but I don't know the ramifications of that legally so I want to check that out, again, he says its taking to long (bearing in mind we only split up towards end of December and the papers only came Tuesday last week).

This is the situation I find myself in..........

First, I have 3 girls to look after and I have to get them to school which is knackering.

2) I have loadsa housework to do with zero help, turns out, 3 kids can make a hell of a mess.

3) On Tuesday just gone I found a lump in my breast and have to go get checked for breast cancer, so kinda worried.

4) I have been maybe getting 5 hours sleep a night at most, so totally exhausted.

5) I have hardly any money coming in, its going to take an age for child benefit and tax credits and in the mean time, me and the kids have to live off £137 a FORTNIGHT.

And

finally, when things are stressful, my guts give up the ghost, no one really knows why, but I am living off 500 cals a day max. Have nausea and vomiting, I am literally retching the whole way to school and back. Have lost over half a stone in the past few weeks and I am now reaching the point where I am getting severe bruising for no good reason. I simply do not feel well.

So, with all that going on, I'm sorry, but life is kinda difficult right now, doing things as fast as I can, but it does take time.

He bombards me with texts saying that I don't give a damn about the kids, I just want the money, I'm a bitch, I'm being cruel to the kids by not signing the agreement yet, blah, blah, blah........... He sees them every other day, so what if the agreement hasn't been signed yet? We have a current agreement that is working out at the moment, all the custody agreement does is formalise it. he keeps telling me that I am obviously going back on what I said about custody, that I only want him to see the kids every other weekend, but if that was the case, why is he seeing them every other day?

I thought once we were apart, this stuff would stop and for a bit it was good but now its driving me nuts.

I have told him to just leave me alone and to stay away from me. He can see the kids, but leave me the hell alone. Just sick of him coming round, accusing me of stuff, assuming the worst about me, yadda, yadda, yadda and then he says (because I reach a point where I get snappy) 'if it was anyone else here you wouldn't treat them like this' and I'm like, 'if anyone else was here they wouldn't be treating me like this and therefore I wouldn't be snappy.

I cannot bear to be in the same room as him anymore.

Then, to top it all off, he says hes done nothing wrong and everythings down to me....... Go take a flying leap!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so frustrated and angry and hurt and everything else.

At the same time I feel awesome, free for the first time in years, its hard with the single parenting bit but I am doing ok. Everyone says 'you look so much better since you split up with him' and I do. I went got a haircut, had I don't that before I was obviously trying to get some guys attention, having an affair whatever. I can shop for as long as I like without being accused of having an affair.

I am talking to my family again, my Dad was in tears, he said 'I've got my daughter back'...... Ex would call me stuff like bitch, slag, slut and cunt in front of family and he was also quite crappy with my family so they didn't want to come round, same with friends. Apparently, if he didn't have a family, I couldn't either and he often said 'had I known you would continue to be in contact with your Dad I never would have married you'.

I can't explain how much better I feel, how much relief I feel now its all over. Turns out everyone who was in my life, docs, health visitor etc etc was concerned about me and the relationship with ex. Shame they waited til now to tell me .

So, yeah, I want a divorce, I know I can get legal aid, I just want to know how long it will take (I would really like the answers to be like, a couple of months or so but I don't think it will actually be that short lolol).

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired...............................

[Kirstyandgirls]

I can't answer your question but wanted to say hi. I'm in the uk too, northwest. In sorry your going through a bad time, I'm only four weeks into my split so I understand how your feeling. I've finally got my tax credits through just waiting on my student bursary so I'm skint too!

Just a word about the child benefit... Keep them in your name... All of them. Tax credits and other benefits use the person getting child benefit as the main carer. eg I needed to child benefit letter to prove I was the one that was looking free the kids to claim the tax credits and my bursary. 

Have you looked at the gingerbread website? They have loads of great info and forums for single parents... They also have a free helpline

Good luck with everything feel free to pm me if you want someone 'local' to chat too x

[Kirstyandgirls]

Sorry ... Autocorrect did its best to ruin my post!

[tireesix]

Thing is, ex is living in emergency accomodation, he wants 50/50 custody which I am not oppsed to, but his solicitor told him that in order for him to get a 2 bedroom place so the girls can stay over, then he needs the child benefit or tax credits which just seems crazy to me. Surely the agreement would suffice and the fact its down mainly to health reasons, Both of us have health issues so it being 50/50 gives us the time with the kids and also time to recouperate so the kids get the best out of both of us.

It seems stupid for me to claim for one kid and he claims for the other 2 and to have me tell people that the eldest 2 are staying with him. Whether he likes it or not, even if it turns into 50/50, I will still be primary carer because there are times he simply won't be able to deal with it, I just get on with stuff because I have no choice.

I just dunno..... Going to talk to a solicitor tomorrow!!!!!!

[Kirstyandgirls]

A solicitor is a good idea. Be careful, I'm learning to put myself first now that I'm single ... Although its hard after a decade of putting xp's needs before mine. 

Where abouts in the uk are you?

[tireesix]

In devon.

I too am tired of doimg the same thing for a decade lol!!!!!

[VocalMinority]

When I broke up with my ex, I also felt simultaneously relieved and so upset (about the uncertainty of the single-parent role) that I lost weight quickly.  It got better rather quickly, as my ex and I settled into a routine, regarding money and the kids, and life was more predictable.  I hope it will be the same for you.

As far as how long it will take to get everything straight in court, I couldn't begin to tell you.  I'm not in the UK and my ex and I were never married and never went to court - we wrote up our own agreement.  My husband's divorce from his 1st ex-wife took about 6 months, I think.  Both of them were focused on the kids' needs and shared parenting responsibilities well, from the outset.  His divorce from the more recent ex-wife - from initial separation to the final resolution of child custody - took 8 years!  The good news is, that's very unusual!  You can almost rest assured yours won't be that long.  And when you're frustrated with how yours is progressing, you can remind yourself, "Hey, at least it's not been 8 years!"

Here, the court will issue temporary orders, to let you establish a routine with money and visitation, even as everything is still being discussed and finalized.  Courts there most likely do something similar.  Anyone understands it's not in a child's best interest to wait a year for predictable child support payments, just because the parents' divorce takes a year to be finalized. 

Originally Posted by tireesix 

He bombards me with texts saying that I don't give a damn about the kids, I just want the money, I'm a bitch, I'm being cruel to the kids by not signing the agreement yet, blah, blah, blah........... He sees them every other day, so what if the agreement hasn't been signed yet? We have a current agreement that is working out at the moment, all the custody agreement does is formalise it. he keeps telling me that I am obviously going back on what I said about custody, that I only want him to see the kids every other weekend, but if that was the case, why is he seeing them every other day?

He, too, is hurt and insecure.  While his behavior might make it seem he didn't value you very much, he must have.  He married you.  Then he behaved in ways that drove you away.  He feared you didn't want him anymore (i.e., he suspected you of having an affair with someone else)...and now that fear is material:  You don't want him.  In fact, you feel happy and free to be rid of him.  And, at some point, you will be with someone else.  If his personality drove you away, maybe he's destined to drive away every woman he gets close to?  Maybe he will even drive away his daughters, some day?  (This is generally what a parent fears, when they buy the kids too much stuff.)  Or maybe he's made you hate him so much that you will teach them to hate him?  

And to top it off, you are in effect the gatekeeper to his children.  Sure, right now you're giving him access to them.  But what if you stop?  That custody agreement can't get formalized fast enough, as far as he's concerned.  For him, it represents an assurance that he will continue getting to see the girls.

He's probably also worried about money.  If you don't have tons of it to start with, it's scary to think about having to pay a chunk of it to your ex (even if you know it's important).  What if he can't keep up with what he owes?  Will he lose access to the kids?  Will he be able to support himself?

Childishly, he thinks if he says and does things to make you feel hurt and insecure too, he might feel better (or at least have company in his misery).  Try to regard him like a child throwing a temper tantrum.  You haven't done something wrong, to cause him to act this way.  He wants your attention.  He wants reassurance.  And you can't give it to him, while he's acting this way.  So sigh and go on with the rest of your life, while he gets himself together.  Of course you should consult a professional before you sign the agreement.  He'll just have to deal with it.

[tireesix]

Saw a solicitor today, she said as long as no one fights the divorce it should take around 3 months.

I understand he feels hurt etc, but this isn't just about little things like suspecting I was having an affair etc, he broke my jaw in 2 places, hes thrown hot coffee over me, kicked me, spat on me, called me all the names under the sun in front of people, isolated me from friends and family and essentially, controlled every single part of my life.

I KNOW he loved me but what he did to me and what he expected of me was way too much and on top of that I was essentially looking after the kids pretty much by myself anyway as well as looking after his care needs because of his health while he totally ignored the fact that I suffer from chronic pain conditions and bipolar.

I dunno, its so sad. I reached a point where I felt I deserved it.

Hes a great Dad though and he should know me better than to prevent access to the children, they need him, thats what counts.

Anyway, whole thing is being sorted now, hopefully it will all be sorted by end of April. The solicitor expects it to be over and done with ASAP as long as I let it go undefended (he got in before me for filing divorce), so, I don't care what he says about me anymore, I know the truth and thats what counts and I want it done with ASAP, even if that means putting up with crappy things said about me.

Argh but very happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[lovingmom14]

Hi,

 I just wanted to say I'm sorry you are going through this!!! I've been divorced from my ex for 6 years now and I still get the name calling and whatever!! So, it's not just going to end.. I hope it all works out for you and the kids!!! Thats whats important! YOU AND YOUR KIDS!!!! I know it hurts when he calls you names and puts you down in front of people, I dealt with it for a ling time, but just keep your head up and think of your girls!!! You are going to make it through this and you will be better off in the long run!!! Good luck with everything!!! 

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by tireesix 

I understand he feels hurt etc, but this isn't just about little things like suspecting I was having an affair etc, he broke my jaw in 2 places, hes thrown hot coffee over me, kicked me, spat on me, called me all the names under the sun in front of people, isolated me from friends and family and essentially, controlled every single part of my life.

I KNOW he loved me but what he did to me and what he expected of me was way too much and on top of that I was essentially looking after the kids pretty much by myself anyway as well as looking after his care needs because of his health while he totally ignored the fact that I suffer from chronic pain conditions and bipolar.

I dunno, its so sad. I reached a point where I felt I deserved it.

Please don't think I was justifying his behavior or trying to make you feel sorry for him!  ESPECIALLY not if he is abusive, rather than simply annoying.  I depicted his side of things because you said you felt hurt.  It's important to distinguish between times your feelings are hurt because you know you've screwed up and someone's rubbing your nose in it; vs. times someone is trying to make you feel hurt just because they feel that way.

I know you already have a lot on your plate.  But if he has been dangerously physically abusive to you, you must seriously assess the wisdom of giving him unsupervised access to your daughters.  He may not be abusive to them now while they're little, but could become so when they're older and he feels like he has less control over them.  It sounds like he needs to feel like he controls people he loves and that he gets abusive when he's out of control.  No father of teenage daughters has ever failed to feel out of control!  Also, he will have girlfriends and seeing him be abusive to them could have disastrous effects on what your daughters consider acceptable treatment, in their own relationships as they get older. 

[tireesix]

Hi Jeanine, yeah, I understand. I guess I feel a bit defesive. Been kinda stressful cos he is now denying he offered me the chance of a break by taking the kids for a night or 2, he says he'll do it if its in my house but obviously, not gonna happen!!!!

I asked if he would take the youngest Thursday morning because I could be in hospital for up to 4 hours while they check me for cancer whatever and he said he would have to check his diary...... Gah.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh, men.

Thats it.

Totally.

No men for a good long time. Had enough.

Thank you all though. I knew ex was a jerk but I guess I kinda hoped it was over lol (there I am, always optimistic and look where it gets me PMSL). Shoulda known better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[foreverinbluejeans]

I live in the US so I don't pretend to be an expert on how things are in the UK. I hear that you want everything to be over with but I am concerned that in your attempt to make life easier right now you might give up on things that will impact you and your children for years. Do you really want this man to have 50/50 custody of the children? The way he treats you will be the way he treats his female children. Men don't change. He is abusive and you want to protect your girls from that, the easiest time is now. He wants 50/50 custody to hurt you and to gain financial benefit. You will loose financial benefit by him having 50/50 custody.

You will probably have to go back to work. If you haven't worked for a long time it may be difficult for you to find a good paying job. You need to teach your girls to take care of thier belongings and help with the housework. You are not the maid. They need to learn to cook, do  laundry, and everything so they can do their share and so they will know how when they are adults. It is hard being a single mom. I know, I did it with 3 boys for 20 years.

Try not to worry about the lump in your breast. Cancer is rare in young women. It is probably something like a fibroadenoma. I've had several lumps that turned out to be nothing. It's good to get checked out.

[tireesix]

I am not allowed to work due to health, has its pro's and cons.

With the ex, the kids are his world, I know he wouldn't do anything to hurt them, hes so protective. It was me he didn't like.W

ith the 50/50 thing, its not just about me and the girls and the ex, its just about generally making life easier. Ex can't cope with sole custody because he has really crappy health, cos of my health, I need time out and we have no family whio can take them for a while instead (well, no family near by anyway). I trust him with the girls (although he won't be happy about some decisions I have made), he will do his best for them.

I dunno, say that a lot but I really do not know. Still processing!