I'm asking this community because most of you are fair, you don't jump to conclusions of wrong doing. I'm physically shaking and reaching out for opinions. I posted on an "S.A. message board" and i posted on a mainstream "mommy" board and everyone told me that they would be concerned. I spoke to 2 therapists and they said they are concerned and advised that I discontinue my daughter to visit with her dad. Give me YOUR opinion and insight. I'm at a loss of what to think.
**Edited to add: Daughter's age is 4.5**
One week ago (Sunday 8th), my daughter told me that she was alone with her teenage brothers and they pulled her pants down. She said she hid in the closet until her dad arrived. Her dad denies this ever happened. (He's a pathological liar and I believe my daughter long before him). Our (non legal) visitation agreement was that she NOT be left alone with her teenage brothers--only him or his mother should be her caretaker.
Monday, Daughter had a doctor appointment to discuss her bad behavior lately and to get a referral to a therapist. I told the doctor about all of daughter's bad behavior and weird "quirks" she's developed and I told her about the "lies" daughter has been telling--about the brothers pulling her pants down and some other things...
Doctor picked up on the "lies" about brothers and seemed concerned. She asked us (Daughter's dad was present at doctor), "what has changed lately to cause the bad behavior? Something had to have triggered this. Someone move? Die? What's new?" Her dad and I shrugged our shoulders and said we couldn't think of anything new. The doctor inquired about the brothers and how often they were alone with her and why they pulled her pants down. Daughter's dad said she's lying. I think the doctor was "onto" something.
Around Christmas, Daughter started digitally penetrating herself in the tub. I privately talked to her and told her, "Honey, I noticed what you were doing [she immediately stopped] and it's okay. It's perfectly okay that you're doing that but you shouldn't do that in front of mommy and daddy." I thought it was normal but the therapists this week said it's "rare" for her age group to penetrate. They said that rubbing and external stimulation IS normal...but not internal.
Both therapists said with Daughter's "bath time behavior" coupled with her bad behavior, lies, and weird quirks that there are red flags going up. They advised me not to allow her to her dad's until she's been thru therapy and we figure out what's going on. I told the therapists the time line of occurances: (This is so long, I"m sorry).
Jan 1, 2011: Daughter started her first over night visit with her dad and has progressed throughout the year.
March 25 '11: I picked up daughter after her dad had her for 4 days. We were in the ER that night. Daughter was screaming in pain (blood curdling screams) with her FIRST UTI. I didn't think much of this...I just thought she was dirty from not being bathed. She was stinky between her legs and there was visible crud. I let her soak in a bath, hoping to help (but later the pain grew to be severe).
Middle of June 2011: Her behavior shifted from good kid to defiant kid. People told me, "Welcome to age 4. Have fun!" I didn't think much of it.
July 2011: Daughter started clearing her throat. A lot. Drove me crazy. Cleared her throat all. the. time. We thought it was an annoying habit she picked up.
August 2011: We took her to the doctor for clearing her throat. We thought she may have an allergy or something that wasn't going away. Doctor diagnosed her with having a "nervous tic". She advised us to ignore the tic and it would go away. We ignored and it did go away, but has surfaced here-and-there.
October/November 2011: Daughter started refusing to wear jeans that I had just bought. I had JUST bought them. She wore them a couple times. But then decided they were "too tight". She tugged at the crotch area, saying they were too tight in the crotch area. She cried and begged me not to make her wear them. I got rid of the jeans and she wore comfy sweats.
November 2011: The (baggy) sweats that were once okay were "too tight". The only thing she would wear were some soft fleece pants/shirts. Extra big. She started refusing to wear underwear. Even the the underwear was big, she tugged at the crotch area and said they were too tight. We did research and found something called "sensory processing disorder". We didn't think we needed to involve the doctor at this point.
December 2011: The fleece clothes began to feel too tight. Stuff she wore last week, were all of a sudden tight. She started trying on 4 outfits (of the exact same clothes) before she found something that wasn't tight.
She started the penetration in the tub. At this point, I still hadn't thought anything was "wrong", other than my daughter is "different"...with all her quirks and behavior.
After Christmas: She told me that she cries at her dad's house and he won't let her call me. I bought her a cell phone. Last Tuesday she called me at midnight. Her dad was watching "The Untouchables" (a very graphic movie not intended for a 4 year old). I read her a story over the phone while her dad refused to turn the movie off (she asked him if they could watch something else). She hung up. She called me at 1AM and said her dad was asleep and she was scared. She ended up falling asleep while on the phone with me. Before she fell asleep, she cried and said, "I wish I could come to your job and see you..."
I didn't think "something" was up until my daughter told me her brothers pulled her pants down. She told me of a couple more (specific) incidents when she was alone with them too.
A couple nights ago, she was telling me a "secret" about being alone with her brothers. While she was telling me, she was dragging her finger on my legs. She then dragged her finger over my private area, twice. I asked her, "Why are you touching my private area? We're not supposed to touch people there." She said "I don't know." WHY would she do that while telling me about her brothers? She has NEVER touched me there. Why would she do that at all? Maybe it's normal.
My head is spinning. I don't know what to think. I have stopped visits at her dad's house. He is furious. I would be doing my daughter an injustice if I didn't listen to the advice of 2 professionals. What would you think of all of this? I'm shaking and my stomach is in knots. I'm just at a loss. Would you be concerned? If not, WHY not?
Edited by ButterflyBaby11 - 1/15/12 at 3:45pm