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Two therapists told me there are "red flags of abuse"...tell me what you think. - Page 4

post #61 of 143
I'm glad you're calling.

But as to "nothing has happened in the eyes of the law" - that's not true. A teenaged boy pulled down a little girl's pants - that is abusive. It doesn't matter that her father and the boy say it didn't happen. Your daughter has made an accusation and it should be taken seriously by the law.
post #62 of 143

Butterfly, I hope with all my heart that nothing has happened to her.  But from what you have said something obviously has.  I understand this is difficult and overwhelming.  You are doing the right thing and I certainly hope that everything works out in a positive way.  Do not be afraid of him do not give into him.  Even if he is not the culprit it's happened under his nose.  And you have every right to make sure it's investigated.  You said she has a cousin that lives in the home.  This may be the opportunity to be a voice for her too.  You never know if these things are affecting her as well.  

 

Good luck and positive thoughts your way.

post #63 of 143

Definitely tell DCFS that dad is a cop in the city. If you feel like DCFS isn't moving fast enough, call the state police and explain why you're contacting them and not the local police. Another option would be to call the county attorney/district attorney (depending on the system in Illinois).

 

I would also call the current pediatrician back. I would say "I was afraid to speak up when her dad was here, but I'm afraid that there might be signs of sexual abuse. Who do you recommend that I take her to? Would it be the same people you recommended before?" You NEED to get it on record with as many people as possible that you've seen the signs, stopped the visits and are being proactive. You want to make it crystal clear that you are advocating for your daughter, even though you're terrified of this man. One of the things a guardian ad litem does, if it comes to a legal battle, is talk to people like teachers and doctors. If the doctor says "well, I suspected, but mom called them lies" that's not going to look good. Then I'd switch peds.

 

Then, hire an attorney. Right now, he does not have a legal right to have this child in his home. He does not have a legal right to be at doctor's appointments. He does not have a legal right to be at therapist's appointments. It's CRUCIAL that he not be near the therapist with her. But he is going to fight you tooth and nail on this one. If a member of his family, or he himself, is guilty of abusing his daughter (and right now you have allegations with strong suspicions), his entire career and his entire image as a cop is on the line. You are going to be fighting a desperate man. You do not have the resources to do this alone. That's why you have to call in DCFS and anyone else you can get on your side. You need to stand on your legal rights and his lack of legal rights because he refused to sign the birth certificate. You need an attorney to back you up.

 

I would absolutely minimize all YOUR contact with him as well. The more you contact him, the more you lay yourself open to his bullying, abusive techniques. He is going to pull out every trick in the book and then invent a few to get  you to drop this. You want to give him as few opportunities to do that as possible. It would be great if you could have all communication be by text/e-mail.

 

(And just so you know, kids often behave beautifully for people they're scared of. They can't take the risk. With you, she knows she's safe and loved.)

post #64 of 143
Thread Starter 

I just finished making the report.  I think I'm going to pass out.  I'm so scared.  I'm scared that something has happened to my daughter.  I'm scared that nothing has happened...and I just made an (annoymous) report.  I'm just scared. 

 

All I told the person on the phone was Child said brothers pulled her pants down.  She asked if there was any sexual behavior displayed from Child.  I told her about the penetration and that my therapist(s) said that's rare for her age.  She said, "Ok, lets make a report."  She didn't want any other infor...said that was all she needed for an investigation. 

 

God, help us through this.  I'm sick. 

post #65 of 143
Quote:
Originally Posted by ButterflyBaby11 View Post

I just finished making the report.  I think I'm going to pass out.  I'm so scared.  I'm scared that something has happened to my daughter.  I'm scared that nothing has happened...and I just made an (annoymous) report.  I'm just scared. 

All I told the person on the phone was Child said brothers pulled her pants down.  She asked if there was any sexual behavior displayed from Child.  I told her about the penetration and that my therapist(s) said that's rare for her age.  She said, "Ok, lets make a report."  She didn't want any other infor...said that was all she needed for an investigation. 

God, help us through this.  I'm sick. 

You did the right thing.
post #66 of 143

Bearing in mind we are in a different state, here's how things have unfolded with my friend so far:

She found out about an incident with her dd from a third party. talked to the girl (age 7), got her story. Freaked out. Found out that certain mandated reporters had heard the story and were trying to decide what to do (they were actually considering calling CPS on my friend before she had any idea anything had happened). She talked to another mandated reporter, said she was reporting it to the police the next day. She went to the police and made a report. at some point she was contacted by CPS, they talked to her, took a quick look at her house and may continue involvement (or not). Sometime after the police report was made, maybe a week or so, the girl and her sister, who may have also been approached, had interviews with a special investigator. My friend was not allowed in to the interview, but apparently it was very gentle and child friendly. They started out by just chatting, getting the girls comfy, they played a little, had brand new stuffed animals to give them, and once the atmosphere was relaxed, got them to talk. that was several days ago, but they can only move so fast. Alot of the reason they can't just jump on it and make an arrest or even talk to the accused is because the authorities all have to get their ducks in a row so that they can go in there with a solid body of evidence and all the facts straight. It has been very difficult for my friend, who pretty much just wants to go cut the guys balls off now, but she doesn't want the case to be jeopardized by rushing things. Slow and steady wins the race, you stay on top of it, but know that action may take a little while.

 

Oh, and I agree with all the PPs who said you should seek new health care professionals. My friend told me about an earlier incident with the same daughter and someone else, and the therapist (mandated reporter) she talked to about it advised her to not report it, but get the guy to leave the island. This lack of action almost assuredly left the girl open to be victimized again.

post #67 of 143

You are a very strong woman. I am sending continued good thoughts your way.

 

LynnS6 makes good points.

post #68 of 143
Oh, OP. hug.gif
post #69 of 143
Thread Starter 
Can someone message me or something?  If you're open to talk...I really need someone. 
post #70 of 143

Quote:
Originally Posted by ButterflyBaby11 View Post A mother should never have to think about what to say/ask their child over the possibility of abuse. 


Really? A mother sending her child to a home where she is concerned about teenagers in the house should have conversations with her child about this frequently.

 

When I was a kid my mother often explained to me that nobody should ever touch my "private parts" and that I should tell her or a teacher if they did. I think that's pretty standard...

 

http://www.rainn.org/get-information/types-of-sexual-assault/child-sexual-abuse/if-you-suspect

 

I am glad you are taking steps to get help for your daughter, but I find your attitude about this to be really odd. I can't imagine having any child tell me that her pants had been pulled down, without sitting down and having a serious chat about exactly what happened.

post #71 of 143
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laggie View Post


 

I am glad you are taking steps to get help for your daughter, but I find your attitude about this to be really odd. I can't imagine having any child tell me that her pants had been pulled down, without sitting down and having a serious chat about exactly what happened.



I did. 

 

post #72 of 143

Oh gee leave the woman alone SHE DID REPORT IT! thank you OP for standing up for your DD I can't imagine how hard this is especially with an ex like that! YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.

 

Is there a friend you can call to come over IRL to get support right now? Your mom? Someone? I can't imagine being alone with this.

 

Have to go put DD to bed (or attempt to haha) I hope you can find some support tonight and I hope it's OK that I will be praying for your family. grouphug.gif

post #73 of 143
Quote:
Originally Posted by sosurreal09 View Post

Oh gee leave the woman alone SHE DID REPORT IT! thank you OP for standing up for your DD I can't imagine how hard this is especially with an ex like that! YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.

 

Is there a friend you can call to come over IRL to get support right now? Your mom? Someone? I can't imagine being alone with this.

 

Have to go put DD to bed (or attempt to haha) I hope you can find some support tonight and I hope it's OK that I will be praying for your family. grouphug.gif


 


yeahthat.gif  thumb.gif grouphug.gifgoodvibes.gif

post #74 of 143


not the time.  And you never want to think it could happen.  EVER!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Laggie View Post


Really? A mother sending her child to a home where she is concerned about teenagers in the house should have conversations with her child about this frequently.

 

When I was a kid my mother often explained to me that nobody should ever touch my "private parts" and that I should tell her or a teacher if they did. I think that's pretty standard...

 

http://www.rainn.org/get-information/types-of-sexual-assault/child-sexual-abuse/if-you-suspect

 

I am glad you are taking steps to get help for your daughter, but I find your attitude about this to be really odd. I can't imagine having any child tell me that her pants had been pulled down, without sitting down and having a serious chat about exactly what happened.



 

post #75 of 143

Op - I have tears in my eyes.  You are doing WONDERFULLY.  You are so BRAVE.  Sending much love your way.  (((hugs)))

post #76 of 143

OP- I'm glad that you made the report. There are definitely enough red flags. Don't worry about upsetting your DD's father or his family. This is about your DD and her well being everything else is on the back burner now. Keep us posted. hug.gifgoodvibes.gif

post #77 of 143

OP, another red flag for me is I believe you stated you were a victim of SA. It's my experience that people are drawn to the type of people they were surrounded by when they were little. If you had an abuser in your past, I would not be surprised if you (unwittingly) were attracted to an abuser in an adult relationship.

 

I worked with someone whose husband was arrested for molesting the neighborhood boys. While she was visiting him in prison (I never understood that,) she met a prison guard and they started dating. When I met him, it was very apparent that this guy was way scary. I told her to run from him and she told me I was wrong. They got married and he eventually molested her daughter. Where I saw scary she saw desirable. Not that you (or my friend) would ever consciously choose a child molester, but it just seems to so often be repetitive.

 

I don't know if there's any value in my statement, but it certainly concerned me when I read your comment.

post #78 of 143
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laggie View Post

 

I am glad you are taking steps to get help for your daughter, but I find your attitude about this to be really odd. I can't imagine having any child tell me that her pants had been pulled down, without sitting down and having a serious chat about exactly what happened.


She DID! Actually, as a parent, you really want to leave the specific questioning to the experts.

 

She's right: No parent should have to think about this. It's sad that they do. And she's incredibly courageous to have contacted DCFS and filed a report.

 

post #79 of 143

I totally agree with Sunday Crepes and had thought that too but didn't say it... I am also wondering if he was sexually inappropriate with you (you don't have to answer, just think about it). My first husband (who is abusive but I don't believe is a ped) was very controlling and abusive. One way he was abusive to me was sexually. He never completely forced himself all the way on me, but it was close, and he forced many things that I was not into. (wow this is really personal but i feel a need to share). And because he was such a smooth manipulator, he made me feel guilty for not wanting it. I tried to talk to some women friends about it, but they didn't get it, they just took the attitude that sometimes we push our comfort zone to give someone else pleasure and that is normal. Now there is a lot more information on different types of abuse, but ten years ago, if you didn't have physical evidence, you weren't really abused. I also believe my ex was a victim of child sexual abuse because of certain things he said and did. So this gives me the perspective that in your situation,  1) "dad' is seriously messed up in the head, and no one is really safe from him. 2) there may be a legacy of abuse. 3) that legacy may not come directly from "dad" to your DD but through the son. 4) "dad" will be an enabler in that legacy, even if he isn't doing it himself.

I don't know if this helps, but it could be another clue in the larger picture.

post #80 of 143

I just have to say that I agree with eclipse 100% on everything she has said.

OP, I hope you and your daughter never has to see him again.

 

And yes, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop saying "lies". That is just awful.

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