or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Two therapists told me there are "red flags of abuse"...tell me what you think.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Two therapists told me there are "red flags of abuse"...tell me what you think. - Page 5

post #81 of 143
Quote:
Originally Posted by eclipse View Post


What you do is you call CPS and they get to be the bad guys and say she's not allowed over there, if you're worried about saying it yourself.

 

CPS can't disclose who made the call, and if DD's father doesn't know about your suspicions, really it could've been anyone.  Don't worry too much about them, you're doing the right thing.

 

Sending my good vibes your way, and especially to your daughter. 


Edited by branditopolis - 1/17/12 at 5:19am
post #82 of 143


I think the OP needs support and reassurance for the action she's taking. Your finger pointing is not constructive so much as it's blameful.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by churndash View Post

Oh my god. I want to vomit.

 

SOMEBODY IS RAPING YOUR BABY.

 

GET OFF THE INTERNET AND GO TO THE POLICE NOW.

 

I am physically sickened that your pediatrician and these therapists, mandated reporters all, haven't called the cops already.

 

What more do you need? A videotape of your child being molested?

 

You are living in denial and your child is the one suffering. For a YEAR this baby has been abused. OMFG. Wake up!



 

 

post #83 of 143

i am glad you called them.  you did the right thing. 

post #84 of 143

OP- so glad to hear you took the first step and filed the report.  Confused to hear that you are scared of your ex but still want to keep him in your DD's life (out of fear I'm presuming).   Him coming around grandma's house uninvited to pick an argument is really disturbing. Out of respect for your grandma at the least, I hope you can get a restraining order or something so this doesn't happen again when she is at grandmas house. Both Grandma and child should be safe from this man. I hope you can also do the same. If he's not legally entitled to it, stop contact with him. You're trying to keep the peace with a possible abuser or enabler. He doesn't deserve it. That he is a cop in your own town is frightening.  Little wonder you are so scared!  If he wants to be in his daughters life so badly then he should have to prove to the court why he should get a 2nd chance to be a good dad. If your daughter was abused while in his care, he should be held accountable.  Can you call the state cops and get a restraining order or something? I feel so bad for you that you can't even call your own cops for help.

Also, DO drop the current ped, and go back to your old one or get a new one. The fact that your ex persuaded you to change the dr you have always taken your DD to, and that he is a liar, raises red flags for me. Why did he want you to take your DD to this particular dr so badly?  Isn't it the same one his own teenage sons go to (the boys you suspect of abuse) ...If they were abused as children too, the ped must have missed the red flags there too, or did nothing about it. I hope she's not scared of him too. I can't understand why in the world it was NOT documented the time you called about her bleeding from the rectum. That is really disturbing. Find another ped fast and consider filing a complaint with this practice.

Your head must be spinning. Hope you can get a good lawyer advice asap. Does CPS know that there is another 5 yr old girl still living in this home?  Good grief!
 

post #85 of 143
Quote:
Originally Posted by churndash View Post

Oh my god. I want to vomit.

 

SOMEBODY IS RAPING YOUR BABY.

 

GET OFF THE INTERNET AND GO TO THE POLICE NOW.

 

I am physically sickened that your pediatrician and these therapists, mandated reporters all, haven't called the cops already.

 

What more do you need? A videotape of your child being molested?

 

You are living in denial and your child is the one suffering. For a YEAR this baby has been abused. OMFG. Wake up!




1. Get a hold of yourself, woman. For real. "SOMEBODY IS RAPING YOUR BABY" - was that completely necessary for any of us to have to read?

2. Read the whole thread before you comment, and

3. Please, in the future, take the time to recognize a completely overwhelmed mama who is in way over her head, very suddenly, and doing the best she can. Then, treat said mother appropriately, instead of trying to rip her heart out while she is in the grips of complete and sheer agonizing horror.

post #86 of 143

OP, you need to get it in your head this very second, that you are going to have to get nasty with this one. You know your Ex...hell, half the women on this thread "know" your ex. We married/dated and subsequently ran like our pants were on fire AWAY from that dude. We all know that "a-hole ex" PLUS a shiny badge equals MAJOR blow-back as soon as he figures out what you are trying to assert has gone down here.

 

You need a good lawyer, the best you can reasonably afford. Recording conversations with your DD is good...but you also need to be documenting every conversation you have with your ex. I might even try the following:

 

1. Get an answering machine, the old-school kind that records on an actual tape.

2. When you need to have a serious conversation about something with him, the "confrontation" about this whole thing...call him when you know he can't answer and tell him you want to talk about all of this and to call you back asap.

3. When he calls, let it go to the machine and then pick it up just as it starts recording....then fumble a little bit, saying something like "ugh, voicemail is broken, I had to hook up this machine and I don't know how to make this recording thingie stop" - he thinks you're stupid enough that this may fly...and as the conversation continues he may forget he's being recorded...and depending upon what state you are in, the whole "ugh, I don't know how to make this thing stop recording" might count as "enough" for meeting the "you can't record someone without informing them that they are being recorded" requirement.

 

It may amount to nothing...but it may be your one chance to get him to give "his version" of what happened in an off the cuff manor. 

 

Oh, and record ALL conversations you have with your DD on the phone from his house. You can even tell her "I'm going to record this conversation so I can remember it later, okay" - I dn't know, just in case or whatever. Then move on to whatever it she is calling about. May not be admissible in court later...but it may be. Some judges are just crazy....that can work in your favor, or not.

 

As for the red flags thing...dude, I'm sorry, without the teenage boys thing and the pants being pulled down (which IS abuse, in and of itself! humiliation, control, shaming - the SA trifecta!) and all of that stuff....this man would not be watching my DD under any circumstances. He lost me at being a creepy, controlling, stalker. Period. The movie thing and not letting her call you...that's all "icing". He's a shitty man. Period.

 

I don't want to be too tough on you, because you're going through a lot....but I want you to know that not only COULD he be involved in abusing your DD...he probably is. Yeah, I said that.

 

My ears perked up BIG TIME when I heard him say "she's lying". - yeah, sorry dad, but you lose. My husband would lose his freaking MIND at the mention of someone pulling down DDs pants, especially in the context that she is having "behavior problems". I don't think it would even MATTER if it were true, he would fly so hard off the handle over that. Now I, the girls mama, would take her some place safe and talk to her, hug her up and try to find out what was going on....but I don't know a single respectable father, whose first response to that information wouldn't be to completely lose it and go WAY over protective of his daughter. No "good" father hears "they pulled my pants down" and jumps to "you're lying". The first thought is "MY LITTLE GIRL!! WHAT???" and then ACTION to try and protect her.

 

He is protecting people who are victimizing his DD.  You need to start thinking of him as an abuser, just get yourself in that frame of mind with him, because his home is acting as shelter for people who have shamed, humiliated and potentially further abused your daughter.

 

Who is worse? The teenaged boy who abuses his sister....or the father who stands in the way of stopping it and calls her a liar? What a pig.

 

The man who made my childhood a living hell was the "nicest guy you'd ever want to meet". NOBODY saw how sick he was. He was "Mr. Dreamboat". There were red flags absolutely ALL over the place. Down to making fun of my body (in a sexual way) in front of people. When I was 8. Yeah. My mother was "SO lucky he was so willing to step in and be a father to her three young kids" - yeah, well, two of us were little girls, so that was a bargain price for him. I was in my late teens when a school counselor reported the situation and set the ball in motion. My mother believed me...and then proceeded, after he was settled somewhere else, to allow my smallest sister (his bio DD) to have visitation with him, off the books. She was five. She's a young woman now. We've just recently discovered that it really wasn't "just me"...he's a fucking abuser and he molested my little sister, too. Nobody ever told her why our parents got divorced. Can you imagine? I left home right after everything went down and he moved out and I didn't even know for years...can you imagine my guilt at the fact that, when I did find out, I believed my mother, that it was "just me" and that he would never do that to her? I was still so deep in shame and selfhate that I believed it HAD to have been me. :(

 

Your head is not clear on this. He emotionally and mentally abused you....you are probably not even fully out of that fog. You still can't see him clearly, even as much as you hate him now. The PP upstream who said that she considered your history of SA to be another red flag that your ExH might be an abuser, is 100% correct. I say that as a survivor...whose mother is also a survivor....whose mother was also a survivor. I don't know why this happens, but it does. Neat little chains down the line. You married him. Red flag for SA number one. He turned out to be a controlling a-hole, who stalked you and emotionally abused you. Red flag for SA number two, even if he never laid a hand on you or tried to SA you even once. Everything else just makes sense after that. Everything just fits.

 

Document everything. EVEN THE THINGS THAT DON"T MATTER. If he gets nasty and aggressive with you, I don't care if you are straight up lying(in ways that can't be caught) on the report...file a protection order/restraining order. He is a cop, he already has more control. Take out a restraining order on him and claim whatever you have to. Threats, menacing....as long as there is no one there to act as a witness to the contrary, say whatever(within reason) that you have to, "I'm afraid he is going to kill me for embarrassing him with these allegations" - then buy a gun. He tries to come around you after that, shoot him in the goddamned face. I love ya, mama, you're obviously fighting the "good fight" right now.....but you're a little weak on the "kicking his ass" part of this. This dude is straight up harboring young men who have humiliated and shamed your daughter and, most likely, worse. Treat him as such. Maybe not OPENLY right now, when you want him to cooperate and not realize how serious you are....but in your "heart of hearts" you need to start calling this piece of poop what it is. No more of this "I know in my heart he would...." this or that or whatever. It happened in HIS house. From here on out, you assume the worst about this a-hole. You can mend fences later. Something happened to her. He called her a liar. Game Over for dad. Period.

 

Don't make things any harder for yourself than you have to...but don't be "pollyanna princess" with this prick either. Do what you have to do. Do not assume anything is just going to "work out" in your favor. Fight this hard, before you have to.....starting with a good lawyer.

 

You have just little enough evidence that things could be wishy-washy. That means be smart. Document everything. Be on YOUR best behavior. Assume he's gonna go apeshit on you. Don't tell him a damn thing that he doesn't need to know. Period. Do not tip your hand to this dude.

 

 

Good luck. We are here for you. Don't mess around with this mama....I hear a bit of "timid" left over in your voice. You are not married to this creep anymore. He does not hold any control over you. He is not protecting your child. SOMEBODY HAS TO. That somebody, is YOU. This is the time for FIERCE. MAMA BEAR. DO IT.

 

 

 


Edited by BroodyWoodsgal - 1/18/12 at 6:13am
post #87 of 143

If you can't afford a lawyer. call Legal Aid. Even when they are already stretched to the max with their caseload, they will usually find a way to help someone in as terrible a situation as you. They put a priority on abuse cases, and severity counts.

post #88 of 143
Quote:
Originally Posted by jess in hawaii View Post

If you can't afford a lawyer. call Legal Aid. Even when they are already stretched to the max with their caseload, they will usually find a way to help someone in as terrible a situation as you. They put a priority on abuse cases, and severity counts.


She is in Illinois and she said her gma will help her get the best lawyer. 

post #89 of 143

Ah, right, sorry, trying to keep up.... but maybe my comment will be helpful to someone else anyway.

post #90 of 143

OP- One thing you need to keep in mind is that your DD's father is a mandated reporter. He himself in his profession is required by law to report any sort of abuse and he obviously has not done so. That would look great on him by the way, if he ever tried to get visitation. Also, if the pediatrician has not reported this, they can be referred to the Illinois State Medical Disciplinary Board for legal action. You need to realize that your Ex legally doesn't have a leg to stand on. Not only is he not on the birth certificate, he doesn't have any legal visitation, no custody, and is a complete piece of sh!t. I can understand being scared. But take BroodyWoodsgal's advice and get a restraining order/EPO and a gun.

 

Here is a link you need to look at: http://www.ilga.gov/legislation/ilcs/ilcs3.asp?ActID=1460&ChapterID=32

 

 

It's a to get through, but I would read as much of it as you can.

post #91 of 143

I had sexual abuse when I was a child but not quite young as young as your daughter.     These are red flags!!!

 

I am also confused as to why you haven't asked her if someone has touched her down there? Or even took a good look down there? Maybe you have but please do something about this now. I at 7 felt comfortable enough and knew it was wrong so I told my mom right away. She never did anything about it because it was a family member. I was then and am now labeled as a liar, "smart" but in a way that alludes to me being manipulative by that side of the family. My mom has never gotten over it and still blames herself for not doing anything about though she and my aunt believed me when really the whole family knew including my father. Please do something about this so you don't live to regret it. I think she is acting odd. Also I find if deplorable your ex husband would just say she is lying over and over again and not want to investigate.

 

 

post #92 of 143
Quote:
Originally Posted by mudsummer View Post

I had sexual abuse when I was a child but not quite young as young as your daughter.     These are red flags!!!

I am also confused as to why you haven't asked her if someone has touched her down there? Or even took a good look down there? Maybe you have but please do something about this now. I at 7 felt comfortable enough and knew it was wrong so I told my mom right away. She never did anything about it because it was a family member. I was then and am now labeled as a liar, "smart" but in a way that alludes to me being manipulative by that side of the family. My mom has never gotten over it and still blames herself for not doing anything about though she and my aunt believed me when really the whole family knew including my father. Please do something about this so you don't live to regret it. I think she is acting odd. Also I find if deplorable your ex husband would just say she is lying over and over again and not want to investigate.


At this point, I think it's important for the OP to leave all questioning and examining to the professionals. She needs to do everything by the book here in order to protect her daughter.
post #93 of 143

Also not to repeat something that has already been said but have you thought that this could her father abusing her. I have not read every post so not sure if this has been mentioned but you have said many times you are scared of him and I am sure your daughter has picked up on it. Also whether or not she realizes that something is wrong most kids do not want to get their parents in trouble.

 

It sounds like you are really trying to take care of this. Let me say Thank You for doing what is right for your daughter from a fellow survivor of sexual abuse it does take courage sometimes to do whats right even if what is right is obvious and easy to others.

 

 

@eclipse  I was seen by many "professionals" who just had me repeat the story of the abuse and never did anything about it. They didn't report it nor did they help empower my mother to report it so I do not agree in the least with the idea of "leave it up to the professionals". In the end it has to be her mother who protects her and does something about it. I have read through the whole post and noticed she updated that she did ask her questions relating to it without being to specific. Really her daughter would be more apt to tell her mother any uncomfortable situations than a professional.


Edited by mudsummer - 1/17/12 at 5:36pm
post #94 of 143

 

 

 

 

 

ALSO LISTEN to BroodyWoodsgal. Her advice is excellent.

post #95 of 143
Quote:
Originally Posted by mudsummer View Post

 

 

 

@eclipse  I was seen by many "professionals" who just had me repeat the story of the abuse and never did anything about it. They didn't report it nor did they help empower my mother to report it so I do not agree in the least with the idea of "leave it up to the professionals". In the end it has to be her mother who protects her and does something about it. I have read through the whole post and noticed she updated that she did ask her questions relating to it without being to specific. Really her daughter would be more apt to tell her mother any uncomfortable situations than a professional.


I don't know when your abuse occurred, but understanding of sexual abuse and approaches have evolved.  I'm not saying that what happened to you won't or can't happen today, as some jurisdictions are behind and not all professionals are equally competent.  But increasingly there are sexual assault centres, where professionals work together to avoid a child having to repeat their story over and over again, and so that treatment and court processes can proceed quicker and more smoothly for the child and their family.

 

It is important to ensure that things are handled appropriately so that things can go to court.  Most abusers have multiple victims, so it's important for the OP's child and other children who may have contact with whoever it is can be made safe.

 

mudsummer, I'm sorry that you had those childhood experiences and that you were let down by the system.

 

post #96 of 143
In addition to what joensally said, the OP's ex here is emotionally abusive and manipulative AND works in law enforcement. If the OP's dd ends up indicating her father as an abuser, the OP is going to want that done in the presence of professionals who can testify in court so that there is no room for anyone to say that she is putting words in her daughter's mouth.
post #97 of 143

@ eclipse    As I said I went through all this a few times. I know all about what people said what to whom and who your supposed to speak to about it. I have been an advocate for a few sexual abuse victims in my own life. Obviously I don't think she should run out the door pointing fingers at the father but as she has already said she is think of having her daughter still be around the father and I want her to think that it is possible and to be on her guard. 

 

There is really no reason to keep going on to me about this. We don't agree, done.

 

 

 

 

Good Luck OP and I wish you and your daughter the best!

post #98 of 143

 Obviously some people are not too concerned about reading the entire thread to get up to speed.  Maybe the OP should change the thread title.  Ugh it's so frustrating to have people get on here and point their finger right now.  She's doing all she can right now. 

post #99 of 143
Quote:
Originally Posted by mudsummer View Post

@ eclipse    As I said I went through all this a few times. I know all about what people said what to whom who your supposed to speak to about it. I have been an advocate for sexual abuse victims in my own life. No reason to keep going on to me about it....




Good Luck OP and I wish you and your daughter the best!

I'm not going on at you about it. I'm giving information to the OP, and to other people who might be in her situation reading this thread, so that she can make the best choices about what happens with her daughter going forward.
post #100 of 143

I wonder if OP is still reading? I hope she updates and lets us know how they are doing, even if it takes her a while to get back here.

New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Two therapists told me there are "red flags of abuse"...tell me what you think.