My 3.5 y/o DS loves all things girl...

[anjsmama]

My DH has a growing concern that my 3 and a half year old DS is in love with everything stereotypically female. (FWIW, I don't particularly view most things to be "boy" or "girl"). He's always been that way to some extent - he's always loved purple more than anything, and in the past year,  pink. When he got to pick out a new backpack for graduating potty training, he chose shiny Minnie Mouse, pink and purple complete with bows. My DH tried to not let me let him get it, but seriously? The kid potty trained! What was I going to say? You can't have THAT one because it's girly but how bout Spiderman? His shiny little eyes were begging me, he liked that one. Ditto for the Halloween costume; he wanted to be an angel, who am I to stop that? His favorite cartoon is Calliou, but if he has to choose a second, that's no doubt Angelina Ballerina. He loves her and her shoes.

When we go to the children's museum,  there's a play dress-up/stage area and he always chooses a dress and a tiara. He likes shiny, sparkly, pretty. Period. He likes princesses, not princes. He loves to play with dolls and pretend he is breastfeeding them and laying them down for a nap. He's very nurturing, it's quite cute.

I have been trying not to let it stir me at all one way or the other, especially when he was just a babe - young toddler. I have done my best to just ignore it, go along with it, assuming it's a phase. But the rest of his (boy) friends now at this age seem to be all about their trucks (my DS also likes this kind of thing) and fighting and monsters and what-have-you. I also find it really surprising considering I'm not much of a girly-girl myself. I don't own anything pink. I wear jeans & a tshirt everyday, unless I'm running then it's sweats. I own a handful of dresses for weddings. Same goes for how I dress my 12 mo DD - I favor yellow, black, purple, green etc for her, and she doesn't wear dresses. So, while I've sometimes thought that maybe it's just because he's with me & DD all the time and WE'RE girls, that theory doesn't hold a ton of water. But DH works full time and DS isn't in a preschool or anything yet, so he does have a lot of female interaction.

Most people wouldn't believe me if I told them he is this way, because he's also very rough and tumble when it comes to his outdoor play style, very, very fast and strong and basically fearless. There isn't a cautious bone in his body. But if you watch carefully, you will see that when he's done jumping off a cliff just to prove he can, he will ask where he can wash his hands and get fresh clothes because he doesn't like being dirty.

I have on occasion explained gender difference (when he asked about the difference in he & DD's genitals, when I explained boys don't actually breastfeed but they certainly can pretend and cuddle) and he doesn't seem bothered in any way. 

IDK - I guess in the long run if my DS has other gender tendencies, that will be okay with me, however I have a hard time seeing how DH would cope since we have very different backgrounds. In the mean time, I'm wondering if it's too early to be concerned at all? Should I keep treating this as a phase? Should I make an effort to steer him toward more boyish things (is that even possible)? 

Also, please don't think that I am ignorant. I realize that loving pink and dresses does not necessarily indicate one gender preference but in a long series of so many things, it feels that way to me. Does anyone have any insight or experience with a toddler/young child who is or was so infatuated with things seemingly suited for the opposite gender?

[mamazee]

Well regardless of whether this is a precursor for anything in the future, your ds needs to feel loved and accepted as he is by his parents. Is there anyone your dh can talk to about this?

I would follow your ds's lead and let him be who he is, whoever that is, and show love and acceptance for him. I wonder if there are any books/articles or anything that could help your dh. I do think he needs to work on it in some way. Have you talked to him about this issue?

[crunchy_mommy]

The thing is, society decides these things for us. Society has decided for us that pink is for girls and blue is for boys, that dresses are only for girls, that girls get shiny and glitter while boys get dark stuff. It wasn't always like this. Even just ~25 years ago when I was a toddler, toys were much more dual-gendered. Pink was more of a boy color (and blue for girls) until the 1950's or so. Boys wore dresses just 100 years ago.

So basically you are expecting your DS to conform to something society has created (or your DH is, I should say) before he is even fully aware of society at all. It sounds like he just likes what he likes, and I don't see anything wrong with it, nor do I think it's a predictor of his gender identity or anything else, really, at least not at this age. I have a brother who loved to wear tutus... but as an adult, his is all man. I have a sister who loved 'boy' toys, and rough & tumble, and getting dirty, and all her friends were boys. As an adult, she hates things like wearing dresses and getting her hair/nails done, but in every other way she is a 'typical' woman and identifies as such.

My own 3yo DS likes to nurse his babies, and his imaginary friend is a baby. He wants to be a mommy when he grows up -- and a daddy -- and keeps asking when he'll have a baby in his belly. His favorite color is black but he doesn't discriminate against non-black colors and will often choose pink, purple, girly just as much as blue, green, boyish stuff. He enjoys putting on dance shoes and tutus. He hates getting dirty. He loves cars and trucks and construction work. He doesn't fight (but has never been exposed to fighting, or guns, or anything like that). He is more likely to sit reading for an hour than run around outside. Yet I always get comments about him being 'all boy' lol. He cut his long hair to look like Daddy's, but now he's growing it out again so he can 'put it in a ponytail'... At this age, they are just figuring out what they like & what they're into. Soon enough, they'll recognize that society has certain expectations of them as 'boys' -- and many, if not most, will conform to those expectations. But for now, just let them be kids, let them enjoy the things that give them pleasure, and hope that society's influence will stay out long enough for them to discover who they are.

[serenbat]

OP you may want to read this thread - http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1340764/being-ridiculous-but-i-need-help

[anjsmama]

Thank you for the thoughtful responses and the link to the other thread, some really good responses to a similar concern there. It seems like this is still very typical for his age. It really struck me that someone said gender seems like a "take on, take off" characteristic to kids this age, which is exactly how my DS views it. He sort of thinks all babies are girls, older toddlers are boys, then preschoolers are girls, and grown ups are boys except for Mommies. 

There's not really anyone for DH to talk to, although I will say that my new SIL (DH's brother's wife) has made a positive impact on his family in this area, and his cousin came  out this past year and all of them seem to be doing really well with it. He certainly is less ignorant in this area than he was when we were kids. I am hopeful that he will  continue to open his brain gradually so that if my DS does grow up to have a non-traditional gender or sexual preference that he will be prepared to support him. In the meantime, he has agreed to support me in whatever I decide in this area and I have decided to keep doing what I'm doing - if he picks a dress, he'll get a dress. I think overracting and acting like it's strange will only put some kind of imprint on his brain that this is bad, a wrong area, and make it impossible for him to talk about when he's older if he needs to. Thanks again.