How to encourage 5yo to be grateful- thoughts on "spoilt" behaviour - Page 2

[SweetSilver]

Originally Posted by francesruben 

I love what you're saying and do really want to parent with deep compassion too... I do not like being a tut tutting parent at all, when I am I feel like it does create a distance between myself and DD. And yet I don't know how to realistically parent in the way you have described. I have become stricter with DD because I used to go too far with the compassion....I was understanding to a point where all my boundaries were being crossed, and then I'd finally get angry, and I'd yell, and of course, feel horribly guilty. So I hear what you're saying... I just need concrete strategies too. But I'm interested to hear how you might deal with intensely fussy behaviour. Or what you might do now, in hindsight, with a child who is given a gift (even one that she likes) then throws it on the floor and is rude. 

Often I wish I could take a break, but cannot. I'm just not sure that taking a break is a realistic strategy.

I find it hard to be compassionate without feeling walked on similarly, and often find myself acting from a place of frustration instead.  My friend, on the other hand, is a model of compassion and I don't know quite how she does it.  She might find meemee's advice as obvious and simple as well, but for some of us it has to be a conscious act, and sometimes a very difficult one, over our simmering frustrations.  I am basically a compassionate person, but I can struggle with patience, especially when a problem crops up over and over and over and we've tried different ways of approaching it and the time passes and it just doesn't seem to be sinking in!  I am not a person who thinks kids are diabolical creatures with ulterior motives of total parental domination (you laugh, I laugh, but some people do think that) but the years of working through something can make a parent like me mull over the possibilities in our pessimism.  
 

[meemee]

Originally Posted by francesruben 

Often I wish I could take a break, but cannot. I'm just not sure that taking a break is a realistic strategy.

you have to define what 'break' means for you. under your circumstances. 

i was a single parent and didnt become a coparent till dd was 3 when her dad started taking her overnight and for long hours during the day. 

for me - i NEED time alone to recharge. no choice. i had to. so when dd was a newborn as she slept on me i watched netflix with no sound and subtitles. at the cost of sleep. but i needed that downtime. at 6 months i was going crazy. till i discovered that sometimes i can just watch her. i dont have to play or interact with her. she always needed me in the room but didnt always want to play with me.

as she grew older i'd tell her i needed to do something (whether she understood or not). and i'd sit and drink a glass of cold ice water. for a minute. just sit calmly. now of course since i had only one it makes that easier for me. mind you this was a child for whom just an inch away from her was too much space between us. 

for me - even now - a break means giving myself permission. putting my needs in front of dd. and that has been v. healthy for us. really. dd had to learn from baby on that sometimes ma cant be there. sometimes she'd give me the time, sometimes she couldnt. i gave myself permission to first do 3 dishes before i answered dd. i'd be talking to her and saying i'm coming but i would finish what I was doing instead of jumping at her beck and call. 

its a complicated process. and i am not sure if i am describing it well.

for the first 5 years i kept 3 photos of dd always on the fridge. a baby, intermediate and NOW. every time i was at my lowest i'd go and see those - really look at it and it always reduced me to tears. to see how fast dd had grown.

other times we'd go out. or take a bath together. to get rid of my frustration. 

however i will say dont completely hide ur frustration. i think its healthy for them to see u have that emotion and what you do to take care of it. which is the reason why at 9 dd is able to forgive my outbursts that i am so ashamed of. 'its ok ma. i know you needed to shout. no i didnt like it but i know you love me and i know how it feels to just do it.' 

you dont have to be perfect all teh time. but you have to HAVE to find your way to not be frustrated all the time (not saying that you are). 

my motivation was guilt. i was a single mom, and i was so terrified dd would have mental illness since we have on both sides of the family (of course that was a ridiculous fear in the sense that's not the end of the world) but if i had any redeeming qualities it was coz i was trying to meet my dd's emotional needs.

plus my dad, bro and her dad were v. sensitive people themselves and i knew how deeply they felt that hurt. my mom and i are not like that at all. we can sense feelings but dont feel as hurt as they do. personality?  
 

[g-mom]

anjsmama, I'm amazed at your 3 y.o.! I can't believe he even pretended to like a gift from his parents that he did not like. Wow.

Good point about the tone and sentiment, and not focusing on the words all the time. This is a helpful reminder for something we are working on in our house.

My son (5) is an expert at the snotty "please" that is just completely rude (and no, it does not get him what he is asking for). His pre-school has taught the kids, very usefully, to say "no thank you" instead of just "no!" or "I don't like that!" or whatever, and often it is graceful, but he can also make it sound like a blue-streak swear when he wants (at which point I sometimes have to leave the room briefly so he doesn't see me laughing).

Originally Posted by anjsmama 

I just do it all day everyday with my 3.5 y/o DS. 

DS: "Mom, get me some milk."

Me: "No, that was rude. Try again later."

(3 minutes later)

DS: "Mom, I'm very thirsty. Can I please have some milk?"

Me: "Sure, thank you so much for asking kindly."

For me, it's not about denying him indefinitely of what he wants, only insisting that he act/ask appropriately before getting it.

We also talk about not asking for things, especially before anytime we are going into a store or someone else's home. He does not ask for things.

We also talk about being grateful for anything that anyone gives to you. Anytime anyone hands something to DS he says thank you. When he has a moment and makes a sound like he might protest something unwelcome, all I have to do is say his name, and he will say thank you. 

I also try very hard to always, always use my manners with DS. When he picks me a dandelion, I thank him and hug him. When I tell him to do something, I ask him please. When he cleans up his toys (like he is supposed to) I thank him. I also try to use my manners with DH as much as possible, I thank him when he makes dinner and when he changes a diaper,  etc. I think hearing that all the time has pretty much drilled it into DS' head, I very rarely have to correct his manners.

I was very impressed at his 3rd birthday and Christmas this year, he thanked everyone for everything. My DH & I bought him a backpack he didn't like, and he really did his best to pretend he did. He told us thank you and said he likes backpacks (which he does, he just didn't like the colors and zippers), before moving on. 

His newest challenge is using his manners with my DD (1 y/o) . He sometimes thinks he can be rude toward her since she can't really talk and protest. But I did hear him tell her No, thank you when she offered him a cracker today, so that's coming along too...

For my DS, teaching him to be kind/polite wasn't really about certain words (although there are some phrases he obviously uses a lot), we always focused on tone of voice. Since DS learned to talk our house rules have been this : 1) No yelling 2) No hitting 3) No mean words or mean voices 4) Everyone matters. He knows that DH and I will not respond to any request made in a rude, demanding voice.