When will you discuss sex with your kids? - Page 3

[erika27]

With my oldest, who's now 7, I waited til he asked or it was obvious he had questions which was as early as about 3 years old. We only give him as much info as he asks for, not going into more detail than he's ready for. He takes his time, processing the info, and asks us more in depth questions when he's ready. He's always been open with me and comes to me first with any questions.  We want our kids to feel comfortable with their bodies and to stand their ground against sexual abuse or overly-curious older children. It is so important they understand enough to stand up to it, because it can be so damaging (coming from someone who was sexually abused, at as young as 3 years old, for years). At 4, my oldest knew enough he stood his ground, saying "no" to older kids who wanted to play the "sex game", and came straight to me and talked with me about it. 

with my second, who's 4 now, she's more shy and would rather find things out on her own before discussing anything with me or her dad. So I approach her first, reading her cues and signs of being curious and ready for info, even if she won't be open with me about it, because I want that same trust with her that my oldest son and I have, but its harder with her.

I have a 2 year old and another on the way and I intend on remaining open about sex with all our kids. I want them to feel comfortable with their bodies, understand the sanitary aspect of things, and not be ashamed of their own sexuality.

[MrsGregory]

I am so terrified of having to have the sex talks with my children.  I've already enlisted husband's help, because he knows how hard the whole process will be for me.  He knows I'm a big prude.  I had my period at 11 without knowing what it was.  I was certain I was dying, but thankfully, had the presence of mind to enlist a friend with a more helpful mother than my own.  She bought me the needed supplies and reassured me that death was probably not just around the corner.  Although my mother was very careful to always use the medically appropriate terms for our body parts and our bodily functions, we also got the "That is pure concentrated evil coming out the back of you!" speeches, and no actual help regarding sexual behaviors.  

The barest hint, real or imagined, of budding sexuality on my part was met with much chest thumping and graphic threats of violence against both myself and the involved male on the parts of my father and male relatives.  For that matter, my daughter is four months old and the chest thumping has already begun.  Basically, in my house, you magically became a sexual person the minute you married the individual of whom your parents approved, but even then, only in private.  So I have NO EARTHLY IDEA how I'm going to go about this. 

But I voted "As soon as she can understand." because I think I'd better give myself years to work up the nerve to have these talks thoroughly and correctly, so I figure if I start when she's potty training I might be ready for the big one when she's gearing up for puberty.

Oh man...  I can still remember when I told my mother I'd had my period, and she turned hard and glared down at me and demanded to know why I didn't wait until I was 13.  I still shake my head and snicker when I think about it. 

Was anyone else raised like this?  How did you cope with having the sex talks?  Do you think you did a good job, despite your own lingering hang-ups?

[Mom31]

Gosh Mrs. Gregory- That is awful. I am so sorry for this- I hope you are able to work past this and enjoy a healthy sexual relationship with your husband. What do you mean by the chest thumping has already started with your dd?  By who?

[NYCVeg]

MrsGregory, I wanted to recommend the book "It's Not the Stork" and the follow-ups ("It's So Amazing" and "It's Perfectly Normal"). 

I did not have the kind of upbringing you had--I had parents who were very open and non-judgmental when it came to sex, as well as a good sex ed program in (private) school. However, my dh and I still had some trouble finding age-appropriate language to discuss sex with my daughter. We've read "It's Not the Stock" with her a few times now in response to her asking questions about where babies come from (she's 5) and have found it to be very helpful.

[SweetSilver]

Originally Posted by MrsGregory 

Was anyone else raised like this?  How did you cope with having the sex talks?  Do you think you did a good job, despite your own lingering hang-ups?

Mine wasn't so bad. I think she tried realy  hard, even though she was a certified prude (without religious connotations--just uptight).  However, when she discovered I had my period, she walked into my room and threw the box of tampons at me.  I mean, to me.   She tried, I guess.  She expected that school would take care of everything, but it didn't go beyond menstrual cycles.

So, I try to correct that in my own way by being up front early.  We still haven't had the intercourse discussion, but the girls know about periods, what they are for, how often they come.  They love nature videos, and so the idea of mating, sperm, testicles, they are familiar with.  (Yawn.)  They know people mate, and need to mate before a baby can be conceived.  And, thanks in large part to their plastic animals, they know about testicles and penises in all kinds of animals (thank you, Scleich!)  It really is easier when you begin younger, but the "trouble", or difficulty, can be that they might never bother asking or want to talk about it.  It can be a real balancing act for the parent who has some reservations or embarrassment talking about it.

[TiredX2]

Originally Posted by NYCVeg 

MrsGregory, I wanted to recommend the book "It's Not the Stork" and the follow-ups ("It's So Amazing" and "It's Perfectly Normal"). 

These are excellent books.  I havent' been able to get either child to even look at "It's Perfectly Normal", though.  The ones for younger kids, though, are ideal, IMO.  They use very sex-positive language as well.

[MrsGregory]

Mom31 - I appreciate your empathy;  luckily, husband has a wonderful sense of humor and our sex life has been and remains active and satisfying.  We're having big laughs trying to work out our new "family planning" methods, now that I'm nursing. 

NYXVeg and TiredX2 - Thank you for the book recommendations!  I know a book will be helpful, and I'm very comfortable letting her know that I have no idea what I'm on about when it comes to this subject, since she''ll figure that out anyway, so maybe the book will make her feel more confident that I'm not just handing her all shine and no silver, and we can take it from there.  I might learn something too... 

SweetSilver - I'm glad to read that another Mommy that didn't receive the wholly enlightened, liberated and thoroughly modern sex education from her parent(s) is doing a good job.  I have high hopes for myself.  And I want to say - I love your signature. 

Lucky me, I have a couple years before I really have to confront this head-on.  In the meantime I am working on being able to watch a prime-time cable show without spending 30 minutes or an hour just looping through "EW!", "Inappropriate!", "Oh my goodness." and "Now that's just uncalled for!".  Hee.

[skacjmom]

If you don't freak and just answer the questions that they ask when they ask them with just the information necessary you will be fine. I was abused and when my DM found out she filled me in on everything. At 6 I didn't need to know that it was possible for him to put it in my mouth...just having his tongue there was gross enough! 

DD1 asked the most and DD2 listened to big sis too much!. But DD3 missed alot and when she told us she was afraid to sleep inthe same bed w/her little brother b/c she didn't want to get pregnant I knew it was time get a little more specific with her. But she was 11!