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Father wants visitation on our 2 week old infant - Page 2

post #21 of 44

I think you need to talk with a lawyer.  In terms of "reasonableness" there is a strong argument to be made that he is being unreasonable for refusing to visit your newborn in your home, and that it is reasonable that his earliest visits should take place with you present or at least nearby.  I know Kellymom has some resources for breastfeeding and legal issues, might be a good place to start.

post #22 of 44

It doesn't matter what his motivation is.  I doubt mom wants him at her home but it is not in the best interest of the baby to be away from mom right now.  

post #23 of 44

No I don't think it is either.  They should get a third party involved.  Like a cousin or mom.  A place they can go for the visit.  And I doubt if this goes to court he'll get to take the infant away if she's nursing.  WA is pro mom pro breastfeeding.  That's how they roll there. 

post #24 of 44
Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppyMama View Post

It doesn't matter what his motivation is.  I doubt mom wants him at her home but it is not in the best interest of the baby to be away from mom right now.  


It's also not in the babies best interest to not have the opportunity to bond with a parent. A parent. A good intentioned parent. I don't like parenting with my ex looking over my shoulder, and he doesn't like me looking over his.

We know that it is not ideal for a newborn to be away from his mother for 2 hours at a time. It's also not ideal for a child to have separated parents. There is nothing ideal about single parenthood. Are you a single mother? It's far from ideal.

OP - I would recommend sending your ex a detailed outline of what you propose as a reasonable parenting for the next 3 months. How often he can visit, how many times you want him to visit the child in your home before taking the child out (not very many I think 3-4 is reasonable because you don't want the child with someone he's never met before).

Also, for those saying newborns ate incapable of going 2 hours without feeding, that is not always true. My ds regularly went 3-4 hours from 0-2 months between feedings. He was nursed on demand as well. He was almost 9lbs at birth, and that may have had something to do with it (he also gained very rapidly).
post #25 of 44

I was a single mom from DS1's dad for a long time.  One thing I learned was to try hard to avoid ultimatums.  When possible, give choices instead.

 

I am sorry you are having to deal with this post-partum.  I could barely deal with breathing two weeks out.  Good for you for reaching out to get advice on this issue.

 

Best of luck, mama.

post #26 of 44
Quote:
Originally Posted by hillymum View Post



The other side of the coin is that it is shocking to think a father should be kept from his child!


He's keeping himself from the child, 2 week old infants should not be away from their mother unless it's absolutely necessary. And mothers of 2 week old infants deserve the security of knowing they're safe at all times. It just isn't equal at this stage, it just isn't.

It sounds to me like this man is playing emotional hard-ball at the most inappropriate time. He needs to grow up!

Thankfully it looks like the law is on OP's side.

The only thing I can suggest is to offer to stay in a different room for his entire visit, and offer it in writing (text message or email).

 

post #27 of 44

I was a single mother for 7 years so I know how nonideal it is but I think it's ridiculous to move so far to the side of catering to the father as to recommend sending a 2 week old away from its mother, first attachment and meal ticket.  Separating this young is bad for the baby, bad for successful breast feeding and bad for the post partum mom.  The person whose body made the sacrifice for the child and whose body needs a little peace to heal.  If he was any kind of man he wouldn't be such a brat.  Why shouldn't he have to suck it up and be a little uncomfortable in order to put his childs needs first we know the mother has.

post #28 of 44

The general recommendation for establishing breast feeding is every 2 hours, and that's 2 hours from start to start so there is no 2 hour gap.  

post #29 of 44

I would not agree to send my 2-week-old baby away for a couple of hours, and at this point it sounds like you legally do not have to.  I would make sure that your offer to have him come and spend time with the baby is well-documented (via email) and that you repeat the offer several times so it is clear you are not trying to keep him from bonding with the baby.  I would also send a proposed schedule outlining when you are comfortable with him taking the baby for a couple of hours at a time, again to make it clear you are not trying to keep him from the baby entirely.  I believe in father's rights, but not at the expense of the baby, and I do believe that taking a 2-week-old away from his mother because his father is uncomfortable in her presence is completely unnecessary and unreasonable.

 

I don't see how the courts would look badly on this so long as you have clear evidence that you have offered appropriate time with the baby and plan to continue to do so.  I'm sorry you are dealing with this and hope it works out for the best. Congrats on the new baby!

post #30 of 44
Thread Starter 

Thank you all for all the great information.

 

All of the information has helped me work out a plan, or at least try to. He doesn't feel comfortable in my house because I live with my mom, who doesn't like him. We don't get along because we broke up on bad terms and I made horrible choices while we were still sleeping together, but not actually together.

 

So through out the 9months prior we haven't known 100% if he is the father, there for he hasn't been around at all given the circumstances. He wants to be there as a father, but doesn't want to be around me.

 

Is there any advice on what age is okay for the child to start feeding off a pumped bottle or formula so he is able to take our son outside of my presence?

 

Thank you, New Mama

post #31 of 44

New Mama,

 

I think you need to start by forgiving yourself and moving on.  He needs to do the same.  Your mother may not like him but she provides the roof over his babies head.  If he will not come see the baby on the babies terms I would worry how committed he his.  

 

I would start trying to pump at 3 weeks or so but don't freak if it's not happening right away.  If you have a lot of trouble see a lactation consultant I think wic sometimes has good ones. Start giving a bottle around a month and be prepared to change types.  I wouldn't let the baby leave my care until everything is well established.  Someday all this will be ancient history and you did nothing you need to sacrifice your first born child for.

post #32 of 44
Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppyMama View Post

The general recommendation for establishing breast feeding is every 2 hours, and that's 2 hours from start to start so there is no 2 hour gap.  



I'm well aware of the recommendations. But that varys depending on the child. It's a recommendation, NOT a rule.

post #33 of 44
Quote:
Originally Posted by babybottom View Post

Thank you all for all the great information.

 

All of the information has helped me work out a plan, or at least try to. He doesn't feel comfortable in my house because I live with my mom, who doesn't like him. We don't get along because we broke up on bad terms and I made horrible choices while we were still sleeping together, but not actually together.

 

So through out the 9months prior we haven't known 100% if he is the father, there for he hasn't been around at all given the circumstances. He wants to be there as a father, but doesn't want to be around me.

 

Is there any advice on what age is okay for the child to start feeding off a pumped bottle or formula so he is able to take our son outside of my presence?

 

Thank you, New Mama



That depends very much on the child. My son did great with bottles starting at 3weeks (I had to go back to school then), and had no trouble switching back to the breast when I got home. My recommendation would be to tell the father that you expect breastfeeding will be very well established at 9 weeks (this gives you some extra time, normally it is established around 4-6 weeks I believe), and if he presses hard think about where you are willing to compromise. DO NOT start negotiating at your bottom line, it doesn't work. Are there any places that you can meet so that he can see his son? Another relatives house, a mutual friends house? A time that your mom is not home?

 

I would ask him to do 2 hour visits around you (while you are occupied doing something else - watching a movie, taking a nap, showering, whatever - you need to let him hold/change/comfort when baby isn't hungry/burp/read to/etc whenever his visitation is occurring) until the baby is 9 weeks (you may end up compromising on 6 or 7 weeks - which would be fine), and then you will allow frequent short visits where you will provide Xoz of pumped milk (if he feeds the baby formula HE HAS TO BUY IT). Then ask for that to continue for now, and as the baby gets older you can re-evaluate the schedule.

post #34 of 44

 Does the father share your views on breastmilk is best? if so I would ask him if he is willing to aid with the purchace of a good breast pump to facilitate your efforts to provide bottled milk for his parenting time. Are you close to anywhere that he could go with a child for an hour or so while the baby is in a babysling of some sort? that close body contact for 60 to 90 minutes would really aid bonding between infant and father. it would also give you a comfortable amount of time which you could use however you wanted, a nap, a shower, a chance to sit and eat.......  Take full advantage of this opportunity!!!!  

    i started pumping at 2 weeks to boost my supply. Saddly I didn't actually introdyce a bottle until 4 weeks by which time ds refused to take it no matter what. breastfeeding can be well established within 4 weeks, so if you are not srtruggling I would not hesitate to start pumping and letting the father give one bottle feed every other day or so.

 

 

 

(My youngest son was eclusively (not my choice, totally his!) until he was 25 months old. I finally managed to wean him after his 4th birthday by not sitting down in his presence for 2 months!!!! He will be 8 in July and I am currently working on getting him out of my bed at night! I am very much an attachment pro breastfeeding mom!)

post #35 of 44

You need to consult with an attorney in your area (don't consult with one from Cordell and Cordell as they are father's rights activists and my just tell you what they think should happen as opposed to what a court would order) and see what the courts would order. 

 

In the meantime, let the father know that all visits are to be where you are as you are still establishing your milk supply and newborn's nurse frequently.  You will be happy to be in a separate room while he holds the baby.  But overnights and trips out aren't an option.  Short walks around your area, with baby bundled if in a cold climate, is another option.  

post #36 of 44
Quote:
Originally Posted by hillymum View Post

Quite honestly I think you would do nothing but make yourself look bad if you refuse to allow access to the baby, and by refusing to pump. Your baby has a right to have a relationship with his father, even if you and he can't stand the sight of each other.

 

 



Even if she were to pump (which really shouldn't happen until the milk supply has been established, which takes 6-8 weeks), a bottle should not be introduced until after 6-8 weeks to lesson the risk of nipple confusion.

 

There really shouldn't be overnight visits for at least the first year.  And until the baby is older, the baby shouldn't be away from the food source for more than 2 hours. 

 

 

 

post #37 of 44
Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post


Also, for those saying newborns ate incapable of going 2 hours without feeding, that is not always true. My ds regularly went 3-4 hours from 0-2 months between feedings. He was nursed on demand as well. He was almost 9lbs at birth, and that may have had something to do with it (he also gained very rapidly).


And my 8 lb 8 oz baby literally nursed ALL day long.  As a result, I mastered the sling.  The norm is every 2 hours (and the clock starts from the beginning of the last nursing) for newborns.   And that really is what one should go by until their individual newborn shows a different schedule. 

post #38 of 44
Quote:
Originally Posted by babybottom View Post

Thank you all for all the great information.

 

All of the information has helped me work out a plan, or at least try to. He doesn't feel comfortable in my house because I live with my mom, who doesn't like him. We don't get along because we broke up on bad terms and I made horrible choices while we were still sleeping together, but not actually together.

 

So through out the 9months prior we haven't known 100% if he is the father, there for he hasn't been around at all given the circumstances. He wants to be there as a father, but doesn't want to be around me.

 

Is there any advice on what age is okay for the child to start feeding off a pumped bottle or formula so he is able to take our son outside of my presence?

 

Thank you, New Mama



Yeah, well, that was the old you.

And people are allowed to make horrible choices, especially when they're young and single.

If you still carry guilt sincerely apologise, ask for his forgiveness, he might forgive you, he might not. But, really, this is about you forgiving you and moving on.

 

Focus on your little one.

 

You may have to have a conversation with both your mother and your ex about them being respectful to one another, hopefully working something out between the two of them.

 

It's not about you, him, the girlfriend or your mother. it's all about the baby (well, it's a little bit about you, until you've established breast-feeding, recovered from the birth and your hormones have levelled out, he and your mother can try to have a little compassion).

 

Every baby is different, breastfeeding can be very difficult or super easy, know in your heart that you want what's best for the baby and when the time comes for him to be with his Dad; you'll know

 

 

post #39 of 44

Obviously at this point it's unfair to expect her to hand over the baby.  However, since he does have an interest they do need to consult a lawyer and come up with a fair plan.  Though I really think for the sake of the baby all three adults need to get it together, get over it and realize that this child will be better off if everyone could just come together.  

post #40 of 44

i think you are being very reasonable asking dad to come see his son.  he is the one refusing your offer.  just record everything.  Save every email (i find it best to communicate with email or in some other form of writing that can be saved.  )  The child is 2 weeks old.  Not two months.  I would not leave my child for 20 minutes at that age.  Good heavens waiting a few weeks is not going to kill anyone.  And since baby does not know this guy it is best to ease into things.  I do not think a judge would hold it against you but I would definitely speak to a lawyer.  you ARE making generous offers for him to see his kid.  If he can't appreciate it that is his problem.  You do need to be prepared for short visits in the future.  However not at 2 weeks.  

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