Father wants visitation on our 2 week old infant - Page 3

[Tyne Smyth]

I gave birth to a son in 2011. I am a single mom. I read everything I could get my hands on about custody and fair visitation, etc.

I allowed father 24/7 access of his child and updated him on everything, always. I offered him visitation in my home from day one and said we would work up to out of home short visits as baby got older to eventually every other weekend and two evenings a week on top of that.

Father sued me in court and got shared custody at 9 weeks old. So to the OP, please try to work with him.It is better that the two of you come together and try to make a schedule that you are both happy with.  I live in PA where laws have changed and unless the other parent has a criminal record, it is shared parenting.

I do believe that shared parenting in most cases, can work. My case is not one of them. My son is the one who pays the price. Father has him today and I waited for them to show for a Doctor's appointment for 50 minutes. He never even called the office. Judge does not seem to care. Father lives in a very dangerous neighborhood and has not held a job for two years. In the courtroom, judge stated that I am the superior parent and father should look to me for any suggestions/help with the child. But, it doesn't matter. Shared parenting is the wave of the future.

[smeep]

When we did child support with my son through the Attorney General here in Texas, they did basic visitation and I said I was breastfeeding so they put no overnights for the first year in the order (and said we could revisit it if I wanted the no overnights ruling to go longer)... he hasn't met my son, so it was a non-issue, but that's another matter.. However, because it takes a while for everything to go through the system (and he lied about him being his so he requested a DNA test to save face which took longer), he was like 3 or 4 months old when we got the order. 

I would absolutely never, if at all within my control, allow overnight visits during that time. Particularly in the early weeks, bottlefeeding can cause many, many issues. They can develop nipple preference or confusion, it can decrease supply (even if you pump! formula is especially likely to do this), it increases the risk of developing plugged ducts or mastitis, the formula itself has risks and can cause a permanent change to the gut, and it can lead to difficulties that all too often lead women on a downward spiral and result in giving up and early weaning. Even when they're older it's not always feasible - some babies will not take bottles at an older age, formula still has risks and they may be unable to take it due to intolerances. In some cases baby is physically unable to take a bottle - my daughter had a terrible latch on the breast and absolutely could not properly latch on to a bottle and effectively remove milk. For some mothers and babies they can go back and forth between bottlefeeding and breastfeeding just fine, but that is often not the case. (Btw, I'm not bashing formula - it is a wonderful thing for babies who do not get breastmilk, whatever the reason - just stating the facts.)

If you want him to have visitation, obviously that's fine! But I would not let him take the baby by himself at all at this young age. You cannot assure that he won't be hungry during the time the father has him. And for a baby as young as 2 weeks old it's really not a good idea to be separated from them anyway; they're brand spankin' new and are at an age where it's crucial that they stay in their primary environment as much as possible and have mommy around as much as possible.

Best of luck, mama!!!

[smeep]

Originally Posted by babybottom 

He wants to visit our son, but doesn't want to visit at my house with me there. We don't get along and he doesn't feel it necessary for me to watch over him. He is a genuine guy, I just don't want my newborn with someone who as little to no experience.

After results come in we will start our court process, but the only way he will visit his son is if I am not there. If I don't allow him to take him will that be a mark against me in court?

Thanks, New Mama

Not getting along is not a reason to coparent as the child needs - and your baby needs YOU there too. My daughter's father is only in her life (sort of - he's met her 4 times and she'll be a year old on Saturday) because his parents want him to; he shows no interest aside from the show he puts on when he's around his parents. We do NOT get along AT ALL - he did terrible things to me during and after our relationship. We will never, ever get along, period. But that doesn't mean we can't be civil when around our daughter; we HAVE to be willing to coparent in person. I do not participate in the fake conversations that pretend we're on good terms and give a rats behind about each other, and I avoid participation in conversations that would be (or even might be) important if we go to court - and all conversation aside from "how about the weather" and "is she walking now?" that's done outside of email I send an email mentioning it, just for the record. 

And, while I understand what you are saying, his lack of experience is simply not a reason to keep him from caring for your child - many parents don't have any experience before their babies are born! That's just part of becoming a parent. (Of course that is not to say that he SHOULD care for your child by himself and that you don't have valid reasons - I'm just saying that then experience part, in and of itself, is not a valid reason.)

Originally Posted by babybottom 

Does he have rights even though he isn't on the birth certificate and an affidavit hasn't been signed? Just if the test says yes.

I just don't want any bad marks against me in court that he could use, saying I with holding his son.

New Mama

Legally, no, not until it is established in court.

I would send him an email and explain why you feel being separated from your son is not a good idea - I would mention the real risks it could have to breastfeeding, how he is so little that he needs his mommy, etc. You could tell him that you are willing to go into a separate part of the house, or if you meet somewhere like at a park, you could sit elsewhere away if it will make him feel more comfortable, but that you need to be there for the baby when he needs you. You could propose some ideas of when/where to meet, and how long you think would be reasonable (I think even all day is totally reasonable if you're there!). The more reasonable you sound and the more you seem to be encouraging ways to work it out, the more UNreasonable he will seem by refusing to see his son with you there, and THAT will count against HIM. 

[smeep]

And, btw, being polite and trying to keep a reasonable, open tone - in person or via email or text - is essential if it comes down to court. The less animosity you appear to have, the better you will look.