18mo freaks out when we walk to/from car: how to handle without yelling/bribing?

[amandabcook]

My DS is throwing mega tantrums on the walk to/from the car.  I think that he wants to run and play outside and gets really upset that his options are to hold my hand or to be carried.  He typically wriggles until he's sitting/laying on the ground and really upset.  I've tried lots of things: telling him what's at the other end (friends! daddy!  snack!), silliness (lets run/march to the door!), letting him help by carrying things, letting him lock the car, giving him choices ("Do you want to walk and hold mommy's hand or have me carry you?"), etc.  If we're heading to the car, it usually ends with me strong-arming him into his carseat.  If we're heading to the house, it usually ends with him running away when we get to the porch, or with me carrying him in a total meltdown into the house.  (He's mostly fine in the car, so that's not the issue.)  Any ideas?  Everyone I've asked seems to have advice that is either to yell really meanly at him so he "gets the message" (as it is, in their minds, a "safety issue") or to hands down bribe him.

I have no problem with giving snacks in the car to make car rides go more smoothly.  The car is totally encrusted with peas, cheddar bunnies, and saltless pretzels.  But we already (sometimes) do that, and it's not enough to entice him to the car.  My mom thinks I should get some berries (his favorite) and basically hold it in front of him until he gets to the car, and then praise him and reward him.  Something about this just really rubs me the wrong way.  Am I overreacting?  I've read Unconditional Parenting and was pretty convinced by his insistence that praise is conditional parenting.

I also don't want to just scream at him.  I mean, the people advocating this are saying it precisely because they think it will make him scared.  Fear is not the goal.  I'm not actually worried for his safety (usually he just ends up on the ground, it's not like he's really running away in the road).  

I feel like there has to be a playful or creative way to handle this, as that's what seems to work best with him in other areas.  Today I tried marching to the door, and he was really into it and marched all the way to the door with me, but then when we got to the steps he threw his tantrum there.  So the marching basically delayed the tantrum by about 15 feet.  

Any ideas?

[amandabcook]

And we have a new baby due in July, and we'll have to figure this out before then, or else I will never be able to get us all in the car!!  :)

[ErinYay]

What would happen if you just picked him up and carried him, without comment, and put him in the seat? Like, not angrily or roughly, just matter-of-factly. No fussing, no praise, no treats- just kind of, "this is what we do." 

[amandabcook]

Well that's been the default for the past 8 months or so.  I only do something differently when he fusses.  Sometimes he seems happier when he can walk and hold my hand, so sometimes I offer that to him now if he seems fussy in my arms.  He's started to do this thing where he will sort of stiffen his body and make it hard to carry him.  So it certainly doesn't seem to be something he only does when I'm anticipating it, or being angry.  I am only forced to be rough because he is extraordinarily strong (30 lbs of pure muscle), and if I don't use force to hold him down/back, he ends up banging his head on the car, or flinging himself over the carseat and into the backseat (and then quickly into the front seat....), or he wriggles out of my arms, etc.  

[Just1More]

My ds used to flip out about bedtime.  If I even sort of started doing anything that looked like a bedtime routine, he'd throw a fit.  Any hint at ALL, and it was all over.  He couldn't handle warnings, or whatever.  I had to sneak it on him everytime. 

I wonder what would happen if you parked the car in a different place?  Or buckled him in his seat in the house and carried him out that way? 

Ds would also respond well to a conversation about it all.  It's sounds like a lot of words, but he totally got it, and it made all the difference.  For example, one day we were leaving the park, and I rushed him a bit.  He flipped, and wouldn't let me buckle him.  That would have been at about 16 months or so?  Anyway, the problem was that he was watching a backhoe, and didn't want to leave.  I slowed way down, and said, "Ds wants to watch the backhoe.  Mama needs to go.  Ds cant see the backhoe from his seat.  Mama will buckle ds, and then drive the truck so ds can see."  (Not my exact words...been a long time, but something like that).  Anyway, he completely relaxed, and let me do it.  It was like he felt desperate that I didn't understand.

Maybe if you just sat down beside him and said, "Ds wants to play.  Mama needs to start supper.  We will go in and start supper.  Then Mama will bring Ds out to play."  Just some rudimentary lessons in compromise.

[amandabcook]

Just1More, I like that idea.  I'll have to try it and see how it goes.  So far even though he understands much of what we're saying, we haven't had much luck with explanations like that.  But maybe he's ready for it.

[porttack]

Just1More, that's a nice idea.

OP, let us know how it goes. I am often amazed by the new things DS understands that he didn't before. Last night, after many weeks of trying and being rejected, he happily accepted a toothbrush in his mouth like it's no big deal at all. Things change so fast. Doesn't hurt to try.

Also, remember to keep composure yourself. Good luck!

[MsDolphin]

I hope most people post up ideas. We have a similar issue, we live on a quiet street and I let DS (16mon) run/walk on the sidewalk when we go for walks. I am trying to teach him, he needs to hold my hand when he crosses the street. The last few walks I had to just strong arm hold his hand or pick him up fighting to cross the street. Hopefully just the repetitiviness of it will sink in.

[crunchy_mommy]

How much time does he get outside? My first thought was to get outside an hour before you need to leave, and play outside for a bit when you arrive home. I know that's not always possible, and maybe he's already getting a lot of outside time, but it sounds like he is desperate to play outside & sees the walk to/from the car as his only opportunity? And maybe if he had several hours a day dedicated to playing outside, he'd be satisfied and less likely to fight you?

[motherhendoula]

Yeah, we have similar problems with our 16 mo. old -  he doesnt have a lot of language skills - AND hes a big tough guy (42.5 lbs!)  so , even though im not currently pregnant, like the OP - its still very difficult to just pick him up - its especially hard to get him into his car seat!  When we were taking walks he would try and run down everyones driveway, or walk up to their front door - i tried to pretend i would leave him there....didnt bother him at all.....it took time after time of walking with him, not holding his hand, until he tried to go up to a house - (or lay down on someones lawn!)  and i would take both of his hands, guide him back to the sidewalk and say "stick to the sidewalk"   - repeatedly!  and now he understands that phrase and will willingly do so!  I think this age is tough because - for some of these little guys, their physical skills are more advanced than their language skills at the moment  and they just want to do what they want to when they want to do it.   Once they get a little older, i think this will be much easier! 

I can make one recommendation - aside from repetition of a certain phrase, and leave yourself extra time for him to walk around a little if possible.... get a sling or wrap so you can wear your new baby.  Hopefully by then language skills will catch up to their physical prowess! 

[Asiago]

Perhaps distraction would work, along the lines of your mother's idea with the berries. At his age his reasoning, which is part of the cognitive brain development, is not yet well developed so he is still working off of instinct (primarily impulse). If he has the urge to run, that's likely what he or any other young child would instinctively do

Maybe if you took an interesting kitchen gagdet, or something else he has never seen, and held it as you carried him, it would work. Actually anything that may seem oddly interesting may work, a sink sponge in it's wrapper, an earthworm in your hand, a tool from the tool bench, a handful of your bracelets. That sort of thing, so long as it captivates his attention for a minute or two.