New here and so many questions!

[Purplegal]

Hello there!

I've been lurking for a bit reading some threads, and I think I'm ready to jump in and ask some of my own questions! :)

So, my DH and I are looking into domestic infant adoption in AZ. Not sure yet if we want to go through an agency or private lawyer, etc. We have a DD age 5 yrs that we had via gestational surrogacy (my mom was the surrogate!). We now are ready to explore adding another to our family.

So...I am VERY overwhelmed with various concerns...the first one being that I worry our adopted child will feel inferior somehow, or less loved, because our first child was through surrogacy with my mom...I guess it's not much different than having a bio child normally and then adopting, right? But...the question of why did we do surrogacy for her and adoption for the other...well I just worry about it. Is this a valid concern?

Second...and I hate how this makes me sound but I feel very uncomfortable with open adoption. I just am not sure that I could handle my son/daughter in constant contact with his/her BM, I would feel like I am not the mom. If this a common fear? I dont want to deprive my child of knowing his/her past, etc but....sigh. What is the most common type of open adoption? The occasional letter? Phone calls? Visits?

Sorry if this post is all over the place, I'm feeling very confused about it all right now!

Thanks for any insight!

Anna

[excitedtobeamom]

Are you a practicing Christian?  If so I have a wonderful AZ agency that we adopted through last year.  We have two biological kids and adoption has been a wonderful way to "grow" our family.  We also weren't comfortable with open adoption at first and that is why we pursued international adoption.  After several years of waiting we went the domestic route and 9 months later our son was born.  Through our training we become more open to open adoptions and now, ironically, I think we are more open than our birthparents want to be at this time.  We have great birthparents!  I truly find, in our case, that the openess we have is a very good thing.  We have pictures, emails and the birthparents know how he is doing.  Good luck!

[excitedtobeamom]

PM me if you want more specifics.

[Polliwog]

Open adoption isn't usually as scary as it sounds. I've got two open adoptions (from foster care) and while each is different, I wouldn't change it for anything. Their birth parents are a part of them and I'd rather my kids grow up knowing their challenges and interests than to grow up wondering.

[Purplegal]

Thank you! Excitedtobeamom- I sent you a PM!

So what are the different types of open adoption? What is common? I do not mind at all letters, emails, sending pics...but constant contact with my child just seems it would be confusing for him/her. I of course want to have answers for him/her when they ask, but until then....

Anyway, any experiences anyone has had, I'd love to hear!

Thanks so much!

[Polliwog]

Take things slowly. You'll likely have to take some classes/do lots of reading/watch videos that will help you make decisions before you ever are in a matching position. There's a Resource Sticky that might be useful to you, too. Adoptive Families Magazine is an EXCELLENT resource.

Open adoptions are rarely as confusing as you are thinking. Some work better than others but you are the day to day parent in the child's life.

[excitedtobeamom]

Excellent explanation Polliwog!

[FLFosterMom]

If we adopt we will have an open adoption.  We have set up an email to share pics and updates, etc.  One of the dads will definitely get a supervised visit or two each year(court ordered as a condition of surrender), which we are very comfortable doing.  We'll probably offer an annual visit to the mom and other dad as long as they are appropriate.  It would be cruel, not only to the bios but also to the children, to just drop off all contact w/ their bios whom they very obviously love.  They've had enough loss.

[superbeans]

We know a family who had twins through a surrogate and adopted a baby at the same time! (heres an article on them: http://www.out.com/out-exclusives/wedding-guide/2011/01/09/three-kids-two-dads-one-uncle).

There are all kinds of families and all kinds of children. You really can't say for certain how a child will feel about their place in any family... Born or adopted into. I think that its possible at times a child may feel not as special as a bio child... but parents who adopt know to look out for this and know to keep reiterating that the child is just as important and just as much a member of the family.

In terms of open adoption... I think it kind of depends on the family and birth family. I feel confident that keeping a relationship with my kids birth mother will benefit them (even though she doesnt usually take us up on our offers to keep in touch... I think its important to my kids to know we tried) But their birthmom is also completely safe. If you do have an open relationship you get to establish the terms. You can definitely limit it to something your comfortable with (like once a year visit and twice a year photos).... trust me you will still feel like the mom!! And if the bio parent makes you feel threatened it is your right as the parent to discontinue the contact... most bio parents would NEVER do this, because they know that it could mean the end of their contact.

[Mom31]

I suggest now is a time for research for you. Some people are just not cut out to be adoptive parents- and that is OK!   I highly suggest reading blogs from all three members of the triad- there are lots of opinions out there. Read birth mother blogs, adoptee blogs and adoptive parent blogs. I think that would get you more familiar with how these things work and the emotions and trauma involved.  Read here- the mamas are very open about whats going on in their lives a lot.  See if that is something you really want to sign up for?  It is ok if it is not.

Good luck to you.

I write an adoptee blog and there is a few people that read mine that are in open adoptions,,, love is not a pie comes to mind- she is also an adoptee...I also believe she has one bio child.

I for one was adopted then my parents had a miracle baby- ya know the silver spoon kind after me... it did cause me lots of grief and issues throughout my life but that is not the case for everyone- but the more intune you are about what you are getting into the better.

Babies are not a blank slate and adoption is a trauma to the child and birth mother there is no way around it- even when it is in the best interest of the child.

[ChitownTracy]

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Edited by ChitownTracy - 4/17/12 at 8:40am

[Purplegal]

Thank you everyone. I have researched and read pretty much non-stop since posting this, and I am feeling much more confident in moving forward. :)

Mom31- I am so sorry to hear about your experience. However, your post to me was somewhat off-putting. I do feel I am cut-out to be an adoptive mom, I am very much looking forward to it, challenges and all!

[Mom31]

I did not intend it to be at all!!!  I just think it takes a very special person to be an adoptive mom- a mom who can accept the fact that her child has another mother is part of it- and I am sure it take much time to get to that place!  It is not something I think I would be good at.  When I was a little adoptee I thougth I would adopt a houseful- I would take in a friends child possibly but not in adoption sort of thing.

I don't know why some of us are wounded and some of us are not. I know sometimes- it comes later in life even... or after reunion when the loss cam be even more apparent... like you don't know what you lost till you found it sort of thing. I think some people ( as in all people) get better family situations than others.

I surely did not mean to offend. I try to be very careful when I post- but please be honest when I offend.