separation, custody, leaving the country

[MumAbroad]

Hi,

I'm looking for resources and advice re separation, custody, and leaving the country.

First, some background. My husband and I may or may not be separating--it's been on the table for some time now, and we've been trying to work things out, but it's not looking good. It was he who originally said he was leaving; it's now me who's not sure the situation can continue any longer. I am pretty sure it would be better for our two children (4 and 8 months) if they didn't have to suffer the constant tension at home and occasional angry outbursts from my partner (directed at me). My therapist has suggested that if we live apart temporarily we may be more likely to work things out, because it will give us some space to remember why we loved one another without the constant little arguments that disrupt that process; alternatively, it may help us work out how to separate more civilly. I am very unsure as to when or if the trial separation should happen, for a variety of reasons, but I'm trying to think about my options. I would like things to work out but we'll see. He has said that he will not fight me for the children and that he will not be vindictive. (But who knows what will happen in the end.)

I am currently living in the U.S. on a visa, with my husband and one of our children as my dependents. I would like to return to my home country (UK) sooner rather than later where I have a support system and a social safety net. My husband has said that he would be open to moving too, whether we're together or not. He has a different nationality to me but can get British citizenship through his mother. Both my children have British citizenship through me. I do not have any right to live in his country. Neither of us have any right to be in the U.S. once my visa has ended or if my current position as a student ends.

So, my question:

-- Does anyone have any advice on resources that might be helpful while I try to figure out when and how I should try to figure out this mess? I know I can probably find a lawyer who could give me a free consultation, but because my situation is quite complicated, because of immigration status etc., I'd rather have done some reading in advance, so as to make the most use of that time. I also worry about visiting a lawyer prematurely, and whether that might count against me (I'm sure I'm being silly on this front.)

And my concern:

-- If we live apart for a few months to see whether that makes things better or more manageable, I worry that my husband may then balk at moving to the U.K., despite what he's said thus far. I have another two years on my current visa, so I fear that if he refused to move I would have to stay, too, even though his legal status here is dependent upon me being here. I'm not sure I have the emotional energy or the finances to manage that, especially in a demanding graduate program. So I wonder about leaving the trial separation for the time being and hope that we can work things out civilly between us, one way or another.

Thanks!

[hillymum]

Does your husband have a visa at all? Did you meet and marry over here or in England?  It sounds like he as well as you would be better off returning to England once you have finished your studies. No matter what happens to the two of you, having parents in different countries would be very hard to deal with.

[MumAbroad]

Good question. No, we were married before we arrived in the US (we met in his country, had our first child there, and married there--I'm omitting the name of the country for privacy). I got the US visa as I was going to be a student, and thus he is my dependent. I suspect that finishing my studies will not be worth it, given my current family situation, the meagreness of a student income, and the state of the market at the moment; but even if I do finish them, in another two or three years' time, I can finish from afar. I do not need to be physically in the country by this point in my program.

You are definitely right that the children need to have both parents in the same country, so the question would just be whether that's my husband's country or mine. We are both committed to putting them first (in fact, putting their needs first is what's motivating my questions.) My husband is prepared to move to the U.K., at least at this stage; ideally, for me, we would move in six months rather than two or three years from now. But that would be a big ask of him, especially if he doesn't have a job lined up before we move, and especially as our relationship is so rocky right now.

All very distressing! Not really sure how we got here... But we want the children to have happy, cordial, civil parents and a stable family life.

[MumAbroad]

I suppose the question I'm grappling with is whether I should attempt a separation now or whether it would be better to move home first (if we can wait that long) and then know that separation is an option. It's just the immigration/divorce issue that makes things tricky--I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize my opportunity to move home--along with my husband, of course, whatever our relationship status might then be. His professional field means that he may get a permanent position in the US (he's currently working short-term contracts), which would also make things more complicated.

Our situation at home is very unstable, although it is I suppose more stable than it has been (but no more promising than it has been) and I don't know how long it will last. I am torn because I don't know whether I *should* push for separation (especially as this is NOT what I wanted when he first insisted upon it in September) because ultimately I think we would all be happier, especially the children, or whether I should keep sitting it out and crossing my fingers. I know this dilemma is not uncommon.

[hillymum]

Count yourself lucky! I am British, met and married my American husband in England, had to move to the states with him 10 years ago and now find out that I might be deported after the divorce!!!  His first move was actually see if he could have me deported!!!

   I think in your situation I would sit and really talk about this with your husband. You both need to decide which country you would all be better off in as well as happy in. Which country offers the best possibilities for your children? I can't imagine having to have that discussion with the pressure of possible seperation/divorce in the background. Good luck to you!!!

Where abouts in England are you from or would you go to?

[jess in hawaii]

You may want to talk to the Consulates, both British and his country. They should be able to give you more of the brass tacks info you need, then you can tackle the emotional decision.

[MumAbroad]

This is a good idea--thanks. I don't think I can really sift through the emotional side without knowing more about the logistics and potential pitfalls. Thank you!
 

Originally Posted by jess in hawaii 

You may want to talk to the Consulates, both British and his country. They should be able to give you more of the brass tacks info you need, then you can tackle the emotional decision.

[MumAbroad]

How vindictive of him! My husband and I do need to sit down and talk about things together and we have already done this to an extent. We have agreed that the UK would be best. Ideally we'd be in the north but it doesn't matter hugely where we are. Once I have more of a sense of the legal implications of separation etc., and have thought more about if/when to do this, he and I can talk further. (Or maybe he'll decide once more that separation is what he wants.) Thanks for your input!
 

Originally Posted by hillymum 

Count yourself lucky! I am British, met and married my American husband in England, had to move to the states with him 10 years ago and now find out that I might be deported after the divorce!!!  His first move was actually see if he could have me deported!!!

   I think in your situation I would sit and really talk about this with your husband. You both need to decide which country you would all be better off in as well as happy in. Which country offers the best possibilities for your children? I can't imagine having to have that discussion with the pressure of possible seperation/divorce in the background. Good luck to you!!!

Where abouts in England are you from or would you go to?

[Goodmom2008]

Your case is a little complicated since neither of you are U.S. citizens.  It's hard to say what the courts will do should he fight you taking the kids to your country so that he can take them to his country.  You really need to consult with an attorney. 

[Goodmom2008]

Can you prove that your stbx attempted to have you deported?  If so, that can be used against him when it comes to custody.  And just may be enough that if you are deported, that you can take your kids with you as it shows he is more than willing to go to extremes to limit your contact with your kids.  Somebody who wanted the kids to have contact with both parents would be working to make sure you wouldn't get deported due to the divorce.   

Originally Posted by hillymum 

Count yourself lucky! I am British, met and married my American husband in England, had to move to the states with him 10 years ago and now find out that I might be deported after the divorce!!!  His first move was actually see if he could have me deported!!!

   I think in your situation I would sit and really talk about this with your husband. You both need to decide which country you would all be better off in as well as happy in. Which country offers the best possibilities for your children? I can't imagine having to have that discussion with the pressure of possible seperation/divorce in the background. Good luck to you!!!

Where abouts in England are you from or would you go to?

[hillymum]

I am going to have my attorney talk about this with the judge on our day in court.
 

Originally Posted by Goodmom2008 

Can you prove that your stbx attempted to have you deported?  If so, that can be used against him when it comes to custody.  And just may be enough that if you are deported, that you can take your kids with you as it shows he is more than willing to go to extremes to limit your contact with your kids.  Somebody who wanted the kids to have contact with both parents would be working to make sure you wouldn't get deported due to the divorce.   

[MumAbroad]

Thank you for your input. I think I'd come to this conclusion, too. I know you perhaps had to state the obvious but I really appreciate the advice and support.
 

Originally Posted by Goodmom2008 

Your case is a little complicated since neither of you are U.S. citizens.  It's hard to say what the courts will do should he fight you taking the kids to your country so that he can take them to his country.  You really need to consult with an attorney. 

Edited by MumAbroad - 1/26/12 at 3:02pm