Oh, ladies, thank you so much for your eyes, ears, and concern. Here's an update:
When I last wrote, I was simply hysterical. Part of that hysteria was brought on by the doc I saw today. She's the one who gave me a litany about rejecting the 28 week Rhogam shot (I'm Rh neg) and, in so doing, flat out asked me if I even wanted her to check the baby's heartrate because that "might not matter either"! I think she's a woman who is passionate about her cause and purpose -- I do recognize that doctors just do not understand (yet I go there anyway -- thanks dh!). But, since I am also that way, we don't mesh well. Today, after allowing her to explain how a labor resulting in c-section would be soooo much better than a stillbirth, she had my hubby convinced. On top of feeling bullied and, I also had an overwhelming sensation of guilt ... we sat in the room not looking at each other or speaking -- but when she (the doc) came back to see what we had decided, DH was the one to tell her to schedule for Monday. Problem was, Monday was booked -- we sent her back for Tuesday -- Tuesday was booked -- we sent her back for Sunday (they don't do sunday) -- and finally had to settle on Saturday. By the third time she returned, I was in full-fledged hysteria and just felt like the universe was showing me who was boss! I continued to sob ....
So, she makes the "appt" for tomorrow and can't resist herself to stop there -- it's been more than 4 weeks since my last group b strep, so we need to do one. I told her NO, I was negative last time, we're not doing that. Her response? "Well, then its likely that your pediatrician will just administer antiobiotics to your baby upon birth." So I stood up in my sobbing hysteria, took of my pants and got in the saddle. THAT WASN'T ENOUGH FOR HER. I was sweating like a pig .... she thought it might be that my water broke and felt the need to do all these tests on it as I lay there a mess. She tells me to get up and then realized she forgot to do the strep test. Did I tell this story already?! LOL. I think I may have. Anyway, it was at this point I asked Al to leave because I wanted to kick this bitch in the face. The nurse asked her what was wrong with me and she explained that "things aren't going the way she would've liked". Still ... the insults weren't over.
THEN she proceeds to ask me if I have a history of depression and when I kindly explained that I was just incredibly upset about this change of events, she told me I should go talk to someone if I can't control my emotions like that. I, again, KINDLY said "I don't mean to be rude, but the less you say at this point, the better." The woman just couldn't shut up. I didn't say another word to her during our time there .. I walked as fast as I could out the door and lost it.
On the way home, my DH suggested calling them back to see if we could go to a hospital 1 hr away to get the Monday appt. (This physician group practices here, but has a HUGE hospital about 1 hr away.) It was thoughtful of him and perhaps I should've taken the extra time he was offering, but I just felt completely defeated.
My mom is really good about snapping me back into shape. :) She was sympathetic, but helped me see that this may have to happen, not because I need it medically, but because its just in my cards. She also helped me realize how the baby was not getting anything good from my outburst. The feeling of failure and disappointment kept tears welling up into my eyes for another hour or so, but I eventually came around. By that time, my DH was totally bummed and felt shitty -- headache, nausea, etc. I basically blamed him for the whole thing because I told the truth: if he wasn't in the picture, I would be waiting it out until WHENEVER it was the right time ... I didn't care what that or any other doc said. I don't believe that lines they are feeding me and I'm not worried about all of their risks. What I am worried about is the havoc I just agreed to let them wreek (sp?) on me. I know he felt/feels bad ... everyone just wants a healthy baby and no one around me knows that we've got that regardless ....
I've been back-and-forth with my hypnobirthing instructor who, while wonderful, is far too compromising. She tried to be encouraging and let me know she'd be around tomorrow and that I can call should I want her to be there as my doula, but she's all like "don't feel bad if you decide in favor of epidural", etc. I know she's trying to make me feel better .... but it didn't work. :)
AFRICANQUEEN99: I wish I could do what you suggested. I tried all week to "bond" with the baby ... to talk to him/her and convince it it's okay to come out. I didn't really beg, but I guess I should, huh? lol. Probably part of my problem is that I feel disconnected from it -- perhaps because I don't know the sex? I don't know ... I don't feel a bond and I don't know how to do it. Even with the prospect of he/she arriving tomorrow, I feel like the whole thing is still quite unreal. I've probably brought all of this on myself ....
DEVASKYLA sent me some hypnobaby tracks (I got them and they work great ... i will do them tonight!) that focus on the baby coming out ... I will try to convince him/her while doing those tracks. THANK YOU!!! :)
I'm not completely hopeless, either. I know that my body works and I know that baby is totally healthy. I know that just by accepting what is supposed to happen tomorrow might help it happen tonight.
I'll post sometime if I am successful and get to labor at home ... otherwise, I'll talk to you ladies postpardum!
Thanks again for all of your insight and support.