Bm wants to take the skids over seas for 12 months

[Prin]

Bm wants to take the skids over seas to live for 12 months ..  Dh is about to send this to her

 That 12 months prior to bm leaving the skids come and live with us, until they leave.

With Bm  havine eow and half school holiday contact.

# Once the skids are back from overseas that 50/50 contact will start.

If bm doesnt agree DH will refuse to sign the passports unless court ordered to do so ..

Hope it all works out

[VocalMinority]

If I understand correctly:

* Mom doesn't plan to move for more than a year.

* Your DH wants primary custody of the kids for a full year before she moves...

* And 50/50 custody permanently, after she returns?

How will he visit the kids when they're overseas and who will pay for travel?

Is the country a signatory on the Hague Convention re International Kidnapping?  Even if it is, I'd petition the court for her to post a bond, that will be returned to her when she returns the children at the end of the year, as promised.

What would stop Mom from applying for citizenship for herself and the children?  A year is clearly a relocation, not a vacation.  For example, if I move to another state with my kids for a year, the new state can assume jurisdiction over their custody.  What assurances does your DH have, that this can't happen in his case?

I would never consider letting her do this without a court order.  Even if your DH and his ex agree to terms and file it with the court, instead of fighting over details at a hearing, there must be some avenue for enforcement of terms, which a simple agreement - even in writing - between the parties will not provide.

Personally, I wouldn't agree to that on any terms:

* If Mom lives close enough now, to offer her EOW visitation if your DH had custody for a year, then presumably the kids see your DH pretty regularly now, right?  It's not good for them to spend a year seeing him very infrequently, or not at all, if that can possibly be avoided.  If a soldier father is separated from his kids because he's sent to Afghanistan, there's an understanding that he didn't want to be away from them and a certain bond, in the mutual yearning to be reunited.  But in these circumstances, the kids would be aware their Mom felt like whatever's drawing her overseas was more important than their contact with their Dad...and they'll know your DH could stand to see them go.  Yuck!

* If Mom changes her mind and wants to stay, your DH might have little recourse to prevent it!  He could argue that she's breaking her commitment to him, but the court will still be more concerned with the best interests of the kids, which might not be served by uprooting them from the life and school they will have spent a year getting accustomed to; nor by taking them away from their mother, if the only thing she's done wrong is wanting to prolong an arrangement your DH agreed to.

* If it is acceptable for the kids to be away from a parent for a year, why can't it be her?  Why can't the kids spend that year with your DH, until she comes back?  That would provide a lot more stability for them, if you guys live near Mom.  And asking for them to stay here and maintain their lives and friendships, while she goes, will be A LOT easier to get a judge to agree to, than asking to bring them back from overseas after a year, if Mom decides to stay.

[Prin]

She wants to go on a teacher exchange So she will have to come back. Thanks for the feed back and for the points I haunt thought about

[greenemami]

Well, my biggest concern would be that it would be a bit confusing to the kids to change custody schedules 3 years in a row-BUT it would also be a really cool experience for them (hopefully) to live overseas for a year and experience a new language, culture, etc. (assuming of course, as Jeannine pointed out, that you can trust the mom to bring them back.) I know dp would have a hard time not seeing his daughter for most of a year, but I would guess that he would say yes since it would be such a great experience. What is your custody schedule now? would your dsk's mom put it all in writing ahead of time so there was no argument when she came back? Do you think your skids will handle the changes okay? I would try to build in some transition time between you having them primarily for the year and mom having them primarily and then again when they start 50/50 so it is not too abrupt each time.  Good luck!

[BabyBearsMummy]

Originally Posted by Prin 

Bm wants to take the skids over seas to live for 12 months ..  Dh is about to send this to her

 That 12 months prior to bm leaving the skids come and live with us, until they leave.

With Bm  havine eow and half school holiday contact.

# Once the skids are back from overseas that 50/50 contact will start.

If bm doesnt agree DH will refuse to sign the passports unless court ordered to do so ..

Hope it all works out

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jeannine 

If I understand correctly:

* Mom doesn't plan to move for more than a year.

* Your DH wants primary custody of the kids for a full year before she moves...

* And 50/50 custody permanently, after she returns?

How will he visit the kids when they're overseas and who will pay for travel?

Is the country a signatory on the Hague Convention re International Kidnapping?  Even if it is, I'd petition the court for her to post a bond, that will be returned to her when she returns the children at the end of the year, as promised.

What would stop Mom from applying for citizenship for herself and the children?  A year is clearly a relocation, not a vacation.  For example, if I move to another state with my kids for a year, the new state can assume jurisdiction over their custody.  What assurances does your DH have, that this can't happen in his case?

I would never consider letting her do this without a court order.  Even if your DH and his ex agree to terms and file it with the court, instead of fighting over details at a hearing, there must be some avenue for enforcement of terms, which a simple agreement - even in writing - between the parties will not provide.

Personally, I wouldn't agree to that on any terms:

* If Mom lives close enough now, to offer her EOW visitation if your DH had custody for a year, then presumably the kids see your DH pretty regularly now, right?  It's not good for them to spend a year seeing him very infrequently, or not at all, if that can possibly be avoided.  If a soldier father is separated from his kids because he's sent to Afghanistan, there's an understanding that he didn't want to be away from them and a certain bond, in the mutual yearning to be reunited.  But in these circumstances, the kids would be aware their Mom felt like whatever's drawing her overseas was more important than their contact with their Dad...and they'll know your DH could stand to see them go.  Yuck!

* If Mom changes her mind and wants to stay, your DH might have little recourse to prevent it!  He could argue that she's breaking her commitment to him, but the court will still be more concerned with the best interests of the kids, which might not be served by uprooting them from the life and school they will have spent a year getting accustomed to; nor by taking them away from their mother, if the only thing she's done wrong is wanting to prolong an arrangement your DH agreed to.

* If it is acceptable for the kids to be away from a parent for a year, why can't it be her?  Why can't the kids spend that year with your DH, until she comes back?  That would provide a lot more stability for them, if you guys live near Mom.  And asking for them to stay here and maintain their lives and friendships, while she goes, will be A LOT easier to get a judge to agree to, than asking to bring them back from overseas after a year, if Mom decides to stay.

These read to me like treating the children like property instead of human beings and considering what is best for the children. So much could be learnt and experienced by the children being immersed in another culture for a year. Unless you have valid substantiated concerns about the mother not returning there is so much you can do to make a year abroad a wonderful experience for the children.   Many a judge would order that the children be allowed to go with their mother. Seeing how very much can be gained by the children and knowing parents that are commited to maintaining a strong bond with their children will go the extra mile to do so. We all know a year passes so very quickly. Prin a good family court judge would see your husbands demands as a bribe and you could lose a lot more then you hope to gain.

But instead of making it into a court battle think of the possibilities this opens for all of you. If and your husband were to decided to travel to the children and holiday you could have an international family vacation for a fraction of the cost it would be for you to fly everyone from America.

[aus5]

My father went overseas for a year when I was 12, by the time he got back I didn't really know who he was anymore.

The bond was severely damaged, I'd forgotten how to rely on him.

A year might fly by for an adult but it doesn't for a child

If it's financially viable I would tell her to go and send the children to holiday with her

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by aus5 

My father went overseas for a year when I was 12, by the time he got back I didn't really know who he was anymore.

The bond was severely damaged, I'd forgotten how to rely on him.

A year might fly by for an adult but it doesn't for a child

If it's financially viable I would tell her to go and send the children to holiday with her

My father spent a year overseas, too - when I was 10.  (The OP's step-daughters are 11, right?)  But his was a military assignment.  We knew for certain he didn't want to be away from us and was counting the days to coming home.  That sense of common purpose helped maintain the bond.  I think it's a whole different dynamic when one parent thinks the novelties of a foreign country outweigh regular contact with the other parent and when the other parent is willing to accept the distance without a fight.  I agree:  maintain the kids' life and let Mom come back and visit, if she wants to be gone for a year...of course, if she is the one having to be separated from the kids, she may well decide the exchange program isn't a priority, or can wait 'til they're in college.

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by BabyBearsMummy 

Quote:

These read to me like treating the children like property instead of human beings and considering what is best for the children. So much could be learnt and experienced by the children being immersed in another culture for a year. Unless you have valid substantiated concerns about the mother not returning there is so much you can do to make a year abroad a wonderful experience for the children.   Many a judge would order that the children be allowed to go with their mother. Seeing how very much can be gained by the children and knowing parents that are commited to maintaining a strong bond with their children will go the extra mile to do so. We all know a year passes so very quickly. Prin a good family court judge would see your husbands demands as a bribe and you could lose a lot more then you hope to gain.

But instead of making it into a court battle think of the possibilities this opens for all of you. If and your husband were to decided to travel to the children and holiday you could have an international family vacation for a fraction of the cost it would be for you to fly everyone from America.

People are entitled to different priorities than I have.  But I definitely do not think of children as property.  In divorce, at best kids are getting half the time with each parent that they might get if the parents still lived together.  In many cases, they spend significantly less time with Dad.  I think that time, that relationship, the involvement of both parents is more important than the wonder of immersing yourself in another culture.  Take a long summer vacation somewhere foreign.  Let your kid be an exchange student when they're older.  

That's really the point, I think.  College and occasionally high school kids spend a semester, or an entire year, abroad, without their parents.  But 11-year-olds don't, because they still need their parents.  But it's OK for Mom to take them away from Dad for a year...because Dad isn't as important as the cultural experience?  I flat out disagree.
 

[zebu]

I think it would be beneficial for them to be away from any step parent that refers to them as "skids," regardless of what country they will reside in or length of time away.  

[Prin]

Update.

Bm will not allow the twins to spend anymore than 52 nights a year with DH..  

[Marsupialmom]

The she won't be teaching overseas.

Seriously, kids can be OK with the separation.  Military families do it all the time. However, it sounds like mom isn't willing to give any.  She wants to teach overseas more for herself and the experience.  She can do this when the kids are adults.

IMO, three different residences in three years is more disturbing than mommy being gone for a year. 

Also -- skids??  really sounds like you are calling them feces verses step-kids.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Prin 

Bm will not allow the twins to spend anymore than 52 nights a year with DH..  

Really? I have my DS 70% of the time, and his dad has him more than that! Sounds like your DH needs to get into court and get at least a standard schedule.

[PoppyMama]

I think his proposed flipping around of custody could be difficult for the kids...or not depending on them.  It does sound like she is trying to be really stingy with visitation and he might get better in court.  How do the kids feel about going abroad for a year?  Do you guys live very close together so that if custody becomes more equal the kids will be being put first as far as their school and activities and friends and stuff?  

The  bm and skids thing really bothers me too.  She is not their birth mother she raises them and is their mother every day.  Dsk, or dsd and dss are just as easy to type and remember as skid.

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by zebu 

I think it would be beneficial for them to be away from any step parent that refers to them as "skids," regardless of what country they will reside in or length of time away.  

Come on, people!  She has to adopt everyone else's abbreviations immediately?  She's new and a woman of few words.  I assumed skids meant step-kids.  Didn't you?  And she's far from the first person on here to distinguish herself from the kids' actual mother by calling her biomom - or bm.  

And technically all of us actual mothers who didn't adopt are the biomoms!  

Explain to her why those abbreviations offend people on here.  Don't go off the deep end and assume you know that her husband's kids are better off away from him because of how she abbreviates. Sheesh!

So, Prin:

People on Mothering generally balk at the term Bio-Mom, partly because it shares an abbreviation with bowel movement; also because it's what mothers who give up their kids for adoption are called.  People here generally agree that it's disrespectful to suggest that our husband's exes - who more often than not raise the kids a majority of the time - have no more connection to the kids than a woman who gives her kids up for adoption; that she contributes no more than her DNA.

While I would never use the term skids, if you can ignore all its other connotations (being on the skids, skid-marks, skidding out) it could be seen as kind of a cute-sounding word.  It makes me think of my two friends who each named their sons Jax.  If you can forget the misspelling and the game with the metal thingies and the bouncy-ball, it sounds like a cute word.  Regardless, quite obviously people will tend to be more concerned with the negative connotations.associated with skids.  People on here tend to use DSS, DSD or DSC (dear step-son/daughter/child).

Is the 52 days/year related to some cut-off in calculating child support amounts?  When my DSS's mom had custody, it took multiple court orders to force her to comply with overnight visits.  Of course, child support here is calculated based on how many overnights per year a child spends with each parent.  The lower one parent's number, the greater a percentage of their income they pay (more or less).

Edited by VocalMinority - 1/23/12 at 11:50am

[Prin]

Bio Mother, is wanting DH to have zero contact for the 12 months no skype no phone contact.

She is wanting to serve him with court when she gets home.  With I want to take the kids over seas to some country for 12 months at some time after 2014...   Good Luck ..

Yes 52 night is because of Child Support and Family Tax ...

[PoppyMama]

Unless your dh is bad enough to lose all custody your dsc mother will not get  a judge to order that.

What make you think she is demanding no phone/skype.  If he has visitation now it just doesn't seem rational.

[Prin]

From her last text msg..   Stating that she would rather dh have zero contact and this is a way of doing it..

Yes, Bio mother isnt the smarted cookie. 

[aus5]

I don't know if you're reading the replies here or not but I'd like to reiterate that the term "Bio Mother" is offensive.

Yes, it may be technically correct but wouldn't it sound strange if I were to pick up my child from somewhere and say "hi, I'm here to pick up Child's Name, I'm her Biological Mother"?

I imagine they would probably be wary of handing her over!

You're talking about their custodial parent, not a woman who hasn't taken care of them for a single day since birth.

Your hostility towards her is obvious

Step-mothers here will not join you in your hostility, a lot of them are "bio mothers" themselves and all of them are trying to make peace with the other half of their family.

Respectfully, It doesn't look like you're there yet

[aus5]

Originally Posted by Prin 

Yes, Bio mother isnt the smarted cookie. 

LOL!

[zebu]

Originally Posted by aus5 

I don't know if you're reading the replies here or not but I'd like to reiterate that the term "Bio Mother" is offensive.

Yes, it may be technically correct but wouldn't it sound strange if I were to pick up my child from somewhere and say "hi, I'm here to pick up Child's Name, I'm her Biological Mother"?

I imagine they would probably be wary of handing her over!

You're talking about their custodial parent, not a woman who hasn't taken care of them for a single day since birth.

Your hostility towards her is obvious

Step-mothers here will not join you in your hostility, a lot of them are "bio mothers" themselves and all of them are trying to make peace with the other half of their family.

Respectfully, It doesn't look like you're there yet

 so right!

When I read the reply about how moms are technically bio-moms after all, I'm like, yeah, but when I pick up my kid from preschool, he doesn't yell, 'bio mom! Bio mom!!' as he's running for me.

And I won't accept "skids" as an innocent, oh I didn't know how that sounded, abbreviation.    That abbreviation doesn't need an explanation as to why it is offensive. It is meant to be offensive.  

And even if i had major issues with my step kids, I can't imagine disrespecting my partner in that way. He would be so hurt and angry if anyone referred to his children like that.