Anyone else with a multi-racial kid whose ethnicity isn't obvious?

[VivC]

I'm half white and half Native American. I've spent my whole life hearing comments like, "You're white, since your skin's so pale. But what ELSE are you?" People never seemed comfortable not being able to put me in one category, although my paler skin makes it a bit easier to pigeonhole me. 

My ex-husband is African-American. But our son looks exactly like me with a tan. I'm proud of all of his heritage, just as I'm proud of mine. Usually, when it's just my son and me, people assume we're white. If they bother taking a closer look, they do a double-take. Mostly, though, it's not a real issue. Our society has come a long way since I was a kid. We're definitely nowhere near all the way there, but I see some progress.

When it's only us, I hear constantly that he's gorgeous. People joke that we should set up an arranged marriage with their daughters. Honestly, the emphasis on his looks makes me a bit uncomfortable. I usually respond with something like "He's so nice/smart/creative, too!" Because that's what's most important, you know?

Here's the problem. My boyfriend has four biracial children (half black and half white) who all fit the stereotypical biracial mold. Light skin, curly/lighter hair, etc. When we all hang out together, people look at my son as though he doesn't fit, or they don't notice him at all. And it bugs the hell out of me because I've always been "different" and I don't want him to have those feelings.. 

There was one time I took my boyfriend's two youngest and mine to a mall. Everyone fell all over themselves complimenting my boyfriend's kids (who are gorgeous, mind you), but they didn't say a word about my son. I don't expect him to be adored wherever we go - I'd rather it not happen at all to ANY of the kids. They all have so many more important talents/traits! But I do worry that experiences like this will set him up to feel less attractive than the other kids because he's lighter. Or that they will set up the other kids to feel superior because they're more obviously biracial.

Did any of that make any sense?

[CA Country Girl]

Hello VivC-

I suppose I have a similar experience, though not much advice to offer.  My DD's ethnicity is probably not obvious to most people, though other multi-racial people seem to best at recognizing her as such.  Both my husband and I have fairly diverse roots.  I am multi-ethnic, mostly European, but I look most like the dark southern European/Mediterranean part of my family and like you got asked "what else are you" a lot when I was younger.  My husband is African American and Eastern European Jewish.  Our 6 year old daughter looks a bit like all parts of us, but has a fairly light complexion like me.  So far we have not had any issues with her feeling like she doesn't fit.  We live in the SF bay area and she has several friends with multi-national and multi-racial identities, so thus far variety just seems normal to her.  However, she is going through a phase of adoration of blond hair and blue eyes that worries me sometimes.  I remember thinking that Barbie looks equalled beauty and real have made an effort to keep this notion away from her, but she found it somewhere anyway.  I am going to have another baby in June and we will see if they have a similar experience with being multi-racial.  The only advice I can offer is that all we can do is reinforce our children's own beauty and value for their intelligence, creativity and kindness to them and help them shrug off all comments from the outside, whether ignorantly positive of negative.  

[mercyphoenix]

My siblings and daughter and I all have the same issues. We're all different races with a diverse background. My youngest sister is the lightest with my brother being the darkest. Most people will comment on specific features they notice about us or my daughter, but if I talk to my sisters in Russian, they look at us like we're crazy. I don't know, I think people sometimes don't think before they ask questions.

[AImom]

I am white American , hubby is dark asian Indonesian. We currently have one child and two on the way. Most people have no idea what my husband is as most American's can't even find his country of origin on a map  (or have even heard of it) so they know my daughter is, as I refer to her "ethnically mysterious". She is just beautiful, as with all children, and shares both of our features.

If people saw me with my grandmother, who is dark Azorean, they would never know we are related. Ah, it's all part of the wonderful world of geneitcs!

For me, I love educating people about the world and how beautiful we all are. Oh, and BTW I do not believe there are hardly ANY peoples who are not mixed with something else since we have need exploring the world for so long. Just because I'm white American ... well all that means what my skin is light though I have MANY different ethnicities in me: Native American, Azorean, Icelandic, British, Creole, etc. I guess I just don't see how any multi-generational American like myself, can think they are not a nice mixed stew of genetics anyway.