The scars of infertility, anyone else?

[OTMomma]

I experienced secondary infertility, and it seems to have really left some serious scars on my soul.  Since then, I have had a clomid baby and a suprise baby. You would think it would heal the hole.  But I still seem to have a lot of irrational feelings about myself, fertility and babies.

Anyone else?

[Chloe'sMama]

Sorry you are having these feeling mama.  

I had primary infertility before DD1 and a miscarriage in there too.  DD2 was conceived pretty easily, and we are trying again now and I am feeling all those same feelings again.  I am trying not to get too focused on trying to get pregnant again.

I don't have any advice, just wanted to tell you that you are not alone.

[lifeguard]

We used clomid for both of our children. For ds it took us 6 years of ttc (a lot of that was before we sought help) & with dd it was only 9 months.

I will never be the same person. I will never look at pregnancy or babies or families the same.

I thought once I had a baby in my arms the bitterness would go away but it doesn't really seem to completely. It's not as intense now but I think it will always be there.

[OTMomma]

Thanks for replying. It does help to know I am not alone.  My hormones have been crazy this month, and though my cycle isn't late yet, I think we are about to be suprised again.  I have all these mixed emotions and I feel like I can't want it too much, because all the pain of wanting.....just hurts too bad.   It's like part of me broke, and though I'm glued back together, some of the pieces are missing. 

[LessTraveledBy]

I understand what you are saying.... I am 19 weeks pregnant, after years of trying. (Dd is almost 7.)

First I had a hard time thinking I really was pregnant and that the cause of infertility might be something that would in no way harm the pregnancy, you know, that I would not be more likely to miscarry or anything like that. (We had not been able to find out what had caused our secondary infertility.) Now that I am this far along, I feel more secure. Yet, I feel like I have very little in common with most pregnant women. I just cannot relate and cannot stand the fuss some people are making around me.

Just today I was reminded of how real the scars are: I found out that dd is not allowed in the room for my first, and hopefully only, ultrasound. I actually started to cry while on the phone with the person telling me this. Very unlike me, even when pregnant. I just felt so bitter that the people with a toddler as a big sister or brother have ruined this special moment for us. Our dd would be able to sit there, totally quiet, just feeling proud to witness it all. Instead, because of the kids who have previously caused problems by misbehaving (or acting their age), she is not allowed with. I am still just fuming thinking about it.

I still find myself resentful so often... I also have a hard time liking certain kids, mainly ones born during our years of infertility, though I should blame their parents, really, not them.

[Peony]

My oldest two are just shy of 4 years apart so I don't have quite the spacing that some of you have.  I had a very difficult time with others having pgs during that time when we were trying. Incidentally my first child was a first try, my second obviously was not, we tried TTC #3 with extra time built in only to get pg on the first try again and then my fourth was very much a surprise. I got pg while having AF and that is my closet spacing. I harbor some bitterness that DD2 didn't come easily and yet this baby that we did not want then, and honestly are still adjusting to and he is 6 months old, came so easily. Why couldn't this of happened 6-7 years ago? Before I got pg that last time I had some thoughts of maybe it will just happen since DH and I were at a standstill, I had dreams of another child, he was done, but then I was so overloaded with the 3 we had due to their various needs, we were finding out some of DS1's issues, and then my thoughts came true. Never thought that would be the case in a billion years. I still thought of myself as the one did that didn't get pg easily. Anyway, that is probably just a jumble of my thoughts, but yes it does leave scars. Now that those kids are 4 years apart in school, and then I have several other little ones running around that are obviously not that far apart, I get the wondering questions about why. Or others telling me that is why that had all their children close together if I say something about trying to make an event for my 9 year old work with a toddler or baby in tow. Years later and it just never goes away. And my own mother never misses a chance to tell me how the girls are spaced too far apart, still. 

OTMomma, it has been a long, long time and I probably had a different screen name then ( I can't remember when I changed now!), we were trying to TTC our 2nd children at the same time way back when. Good to see you around still! 

[LessTraveledBy]

Originally Posted by Peony 

And my own mother never misses a chance to tell me how the girls are spaced too far apart, still. 

Wow... I don't even know what I would say to someone like that.

It is really crazy to have been infertile for so many years, and then to not be. I spent years trying not to cry when well meaning church members asked if we wanted any more kids and hinted that we should not be using contraceptives or that at least we must have been avoiding babies otherwise. Now that I am visibly pregnant, I dare guess there are some that think we did this or that to achieve the pregnancy. People just don't understand secondary infertility, first of all, and even less the fact that someone can, after all those years, get pregnant. There have been so many times I have wanted to yell. Someone (with lots of little ones closely spaced) even have the nerve to tell me how it is wrong to try too hard to have another. 

By the way, now I all of a sudden find myself among the hated fertiles: I tried to take into consideration the things that had hurt me during all these years, and sent a PM to an old friend with infertility and no kids. I did not want the couple to find our about our baby on Facebook or something or to not have to react right there and then if I saw them in person, obviously pregnant. (I had often wished others had done that for me.) Well, turns out that was not right, either, as I never got a message back.

It seems that for some, I am not fertile enough and for some, the infertility was not enough.

Of course there have also been wonderful, supportive people along the way. I will never forget what they did for me, and so appreciated their joy when they found out I was finally pregnant again. 

[lifeguard]

lesstravelledby - I think it was incredibly considerate to e-mail your friend ahead, I think her lack of response was probably more her processing it than you approaching it wrong.

[LessTraveledBy]

Thank you, lifeguard. I really was starting to feel nuts. The things is, I used to be hurt, but I always congratulated people and then cried once I got home (or while writing the message). Still, I thought acknowledging them was definitely the right thing to try to do. Of course their pregnancies took nothing away from me, but the reminder was still very painful, every time, especially when there was little consideration put into how the news was shared. I do feel hurt that this friend does not seem to feel that I even  deserve a response. I don't need a happy response... but anything would be nice. Then again, the friendship has not been that close for years, because this friend finds the need to be rude about the matters that mean the most to me, so I suppose I will take this as a sign that this person does not wish to keep the friendship going in any way. That is ok, too.

[OTMomma]

I am sorry it took me so long to get back to this thread- I feel like I have child induced ADHD, or maybe its just lack of sleep. My cycle showed up, so no suprise 4th for us right now.

Peony, I read your post and thought, wow, your life sounds just like mine! Execpt for the part where you already have a 4th child- I feel like I am meant to have another suprise, but I had a hard pregnancy last time, and don't really want to do it again.  I don't remember a Peony from back then, but I do have good memories of our TTC for 1year+ group.  I still sing my kids the lullaby from the Dixie Chicks CD that came out while we were TTC that second child.  I still mean to write them a fan letter about how much their song about infertility meant to me. 

LessTraveledBy- I was a basket case while pregnant with my second- every time he had a day of not kicking much or any little thing, could freak me out.  In your shoes, I would ask if I could get the ultrasound done elsewhere that would allow your dd to be there.  (If you actually say you will be getting it done elsewhere, they may cave on their policy).  I had my last 2 delivered by midwives, and thus for one went to an independent ultrasound facility and for another went to a hospital for my ultrasound- in both cases they let my kids be there without question, of course my dh was also along incase the kids needed parenting during the ultrasound.   And I also think you did the right thing sending the email to your friend- she may just be in too bitter a place to reply.  I have a number of friends who often don't reply to emails appropriately, its like if they don't know what to say, they just don't do it.  If she is that bitter, it may be best to just move forward without her.

It is SO weird to move from being one of those considered weird because we only had one, to being strange for having more than the usual 2.  I feel like I am in some kind of club- the "My fertility Annoys the ^#^$^%$ out of me club".  ;)   I think it is some kind of life lesson in acceptance... I pray I have no more life lessons like that.   My dh and I are considering him getting a vasectomy and it just seems so weird and wrong, to have spent all that time fighting to have a baby, and now to just stop that part of our lives.  But at the same time- our family feels complete, or at least I don't want to bake another child.

Peace,

[Thyme Mama]

I definitely have battle scars! I suffered through 11 years of infertility and 3 miscarriages. It was brutal. I am ashamed to say that my feelings about my infertility wrecked my life and my attitude for a long while. I ended several close friendships with some great women who became pregnant during that time.

I resented pregnant women and, at one point, all mothers. It was a dark place to be. I have a lot of guilt from those hateful feelings. During that time I saw myself as less-than other women, not whole, having nothing to offer, all with devastating effects to my psyche.

On the upside, I empowered myself by healing my own infertility naturally. I have done much work on who I am, and how I see myself. I feel nearly whole, except for the guilt I have from that awful era in my life. I have also given birth at home to my three children in 4 1/2 years.

When my cycles came back (for really the first time in my life) after my oldest was born, it appeared that I had become very fertile. Almost like my body was making up for all those lost years. I conceived my two sons on my first and then third postpartum cycles. It still amazes me because I thought I would never be a mother.

And now I find myself in the unfamiliar position of preventing pregnancy, now that my cycles have returned again after my youngest. It's totally surreal. It's hard to wrap my head around preventing, when half of my life I've spent trying.

We do want to add to our family, but we are waiting a bit. I have a full plate this year and I fear I would be upset if I got pregnant before I was ready. It's incredibly crazy to me to feel that way!

There are so many mixed feeling in my heart and head. But I have faith that everything will all work out well and now that I am older and wiser, I do my best to let my struggles and experiences shape me into a better person. I don't think those scars will ever go away though, they are a part of who I am.

A woman who has suffered infertility.

[BaileyB]

Here too with the battle scars. We got pregnant with our first 2 weeks after deciding to TTC. I had a helacious pregnancy from strep throat, hyperemesis and then the baby was stillborn at 38 weeks. We got no answers as to why she was stillborn. I got pregnant 7 weeks later with a surprise baby who is now 1 year old. Now that we are TTC again I feel that I am sure my next baby will die again. I don't have any reason to believe it but I feel like I lucked out with DD#2 living, but as badly as I want another baby I am afraid for him/her already....It's a very weird feeling.

[OTMomma]

Bailey B- I am so sorry you are in so much distress.  I am praying for you and your new baby- that both of you are happy, healthy and all is well with both of you.  I used some simple meditation sentences from Hypnobirthing while pregnant with my second that helped me when I became anxious.  Just reciting "My baby is growing and healthy"  "My body knows how to make a baby and is doing everything right"  over and over helped me.

[Grover16]

I will never be the same person.