Grandparent rights on visitations of grandchildren. - Page 2

[Mummoth]

This conversation is so interesting to me... the OP's situation is similar to mine, except I didn't prevent them from seeing my kids (only limited their access) and my XH didn't go to jail, he had a suspended sentence (for assaulting our son). I think that usually if the grandparents approach their child-in-law in a respectful manner, they won't have to go to court over it... I know if my ex-in-laws had been decent to me from the get-go I'd have been a whole lot more "Woo! Free babysitting!" and a lot less "Proceed with caution!" When they took me to court they originally tried to be added to the divorce because they wanted to be able to weigh in on the division of assets. My lawyer shut that down. Because of some of the emotional manipulation they'd done to the kids I asked the court to have them go to an appointment at the kids' counselor... they didn't want to but the judge thought it was a good idea. The counselor told me after their appointment that they pretended they didn't know about the assault and denied that it ever happened (they picked XH up from the police station and let him live with them for a few months... what did they think that was all about?!) I think she mostly got through to them about playing head games though... there hasn't been anything big for a long time. DD did go from calling them twice a week to suddenly not calling them at all and I haven't heard why yet but whatever it was, it backfired on them. There's only so much influence they can have in a few hours a month, the kids mostly have fun at the visits. I think it's taken a bit of the sting out of having been abandoned by their birth dad... at least there's a connection to his side. My main worry now is what happens when the kids are teenagers and don't want to 'waste' a whole weekend day on their grandparents? Will they actually respect the kids wishes and be flexible? I don't think so, we'll probably end up back in court...

[serenbat]

meemee- I totally get what you would like to see - sadly, not all are great and it just doesn't work that way

to me, in the case of the OP- if she was a "great" grandparent perhaps more positive about the mother would have come through---I just didn't see it--what really struck me again is the amount of time this grandparent want (most for themselves here is how I see it) and not seeing the whole picture of others in this child's life---nothing up-set me more but when giving  a gift to not understand other live with this child too and being away from the mother for a whole weekend at that age-would not sit well with me---but that is me

to me, I have seen extreme grandparenting at it's not so finest and the effects it causes 

that does not mean I don't feel grandparents should have a relationship but knowing where you place is often (to me) is really the key

I don't know why society is this way--I certainly have my theories on the individuals I know who have taken it extreme in my opinion

 I read all the times on here about new (1st timers) who are just bombarded with zealous in-laws trying to force parenting on new parents and the damage it causes and that is very sad to me

I once knew a man from southern Africa (him and his wife had twins) and he told me how their culture viewed in-laws and there place in the family and it was soooo drastically different from western society- it started when they got married and we more-less paired up with a aunt and uncle who had long been married as a guide of sorts and they ended up living in the DH's country until after the twins were born (the wife was from Europe) and when the twins were born all female relatives took care of the twins (the mother did nothing for the first two months- except feed them and hold them- she didn't potty them or clean them, no house work- no cooking, etc) the mother was also pampered and had to do nothing but eat and feed the babies basically and the "aunties" did the work and the grandmother did only her share like the "aunties" did- they didn't want to have just grandmother type (like western) bonding - the children were part of the clan and the DH and his wife loved this - the children grew up to know and respect the grandparents but it wasn't the way we do here- if you know what I mean

regarding the OP- it's a sad situation and for everyone involved  and I do think things could be made better if some egos did not get in the way---my opinion

[meemee]

yeah serenbat i totally get what you are saying. and i mourn the breaking down that we see with culture. yet it is in this very culture (actually hawaii) where that africa kinda bond still exists - even though everyone is far away. it is not a happy frivolous thing, but everyone stepping up to the plate. i have seen it happen. i have seen how the whole family 'reacts' when a new baby is born - whether they get to visit and see the baby or not. 

it makes me so sad mainly coz i have seen the bond my dd still has with her dead gparents. and i mourn that there are so many children who dont have it - to no fault of theirs. 
 

Originally Posted by serenbat 

 the children grew up to know and respect the grandparents but it wasn't the way we do here- if you know what I mean

regarding the OP- it's a sad situation and for everyone involved  and I do think things could be made better if some egos did not get in the way---my opinion