what do you say instead of "you're making mommy mad"?

[kfillmore]

I hear myself saying this. I don't like it at all. I think it will also have ramifications later on. What can one say when you want to say "what you are doing (over and over) or not doing is making me really pissed off"?????

[andromedajulie]

Mommy feels very angry when you do this / when this happens - it hurts my body - feelings (whatever) - in this family we do not do this...

I do that with a fair amount of ferociousness so she can feel it, she usually bursts into tears and after about 5 seconds I reconcile.

[laohaire]

"Knock it off!"

"If you can't be quiet in here, then go into the other room to make noise."

"OK, I'm taking that away from you now because it's not ok to hit me with it/throw it/scribble on the walls/whatever with it."

Anyway, those examples aren't anything special but they don't focus on your feelings or how your toddler is "making" you feel that way. You can communicate your feelings through your voice and body language. Your toddler should know the different between mild annoyance (say, being too loud when it's just annoying but not the end of the world) and a big deal (say, being too loud when you're on the phone with the doctor about a serious issue).

Just focus on what needs to happen (stop/go in the other room/give it to me/etc) and you can let your tone do the rest. I also have a "fireballs shooting from my eyes" look that tells DD when I'm really serious.

[hildare]

this behavior is unacceptable. 

[crunchy_mommy]

I'd try to own your feelings. "I feel angry when you ____" is, to me, way better than "You're making me mad." You & ONLY you are responsible for your feelings, but that doesn't mean you can't communicate those feelings to her while taking ownership of them. However, I'd still try to reserve it for when she's doing something TO you, hitting you or whatever. "I feel angry (or scared, or hurt, whatever) when you hit me, so I am going to put you down now."

Most of the time I say things like, "It's not OK to hammer the walls, they could break," followed by removing the hammer if necessary, or "You need to stop throwing those toys, here's a bean bag you can throw," or, "If you keep running away while I'm getting you dressed, we won't have time to do XYZ [fun activity]." I try to keep it matter-of-fact, emotionless, pleasant but firm tone.

[ThreeTwoFive]

"That's too bad that there's this big mess we have to clean up now.  We could have used that time to read more books / play / etc."

[mckittre]

What do you do when it's incessant whining and demanding, rather than the kid actually "doing" something wrong? 

Nearly every morning I wake up to an endless string of whining and screaming and irrational demands, everything from wanting breakfast this instant (as I'm getting it for him) to wanting me to search the house for some particular toy of his (while I'm changing his sister's diaper), to wanting cookies for breakfast (not going to happen), to wanting me to read him a book this instant (as I'm getting breakfast for the kids, or starting the fire)...

All of this in the first 5 min I'm awake before I've had a chance to wake up, eat something, have coffee, make the house warm, change the baby, etc...  It makes me a VERY grumpy mama.  And I probably do way more "I don't like being with you when you're such a whining boy." than I ought to, and various other not-so-nice statements.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I telly son that I can't understand him when he's whining. I tell him to please use his sweet voice do that I can help him.

[dejagerw]

Maybe instead of directing it at him like "I don't like when you whine", just make the statement "Mommy does not like whining" or "whining hurts Mommy's ears".

For other stuff, just make statements too for what specifically is making you mad, like "Look at this mess, Mommy is not happy, I do not like things messy". Or "mommy's ____ is broken! I am angry and upset" (rather than "you broke this, I'm mad at you".) When you make statements about what's bothering you, it's less about the kid. The kid can see what can be changed or fixed or cleaned up, rather than him just thinking that mommy's mad at me cause I'm bad.

[bettyjones]

Just got the book Harriet You'll Drive Me Wild by Mem Fox from the library. Reading it w/ my 3 yr old DD was therapeutic for both of us..it' s about a mom who doesn't like to yell but sometimes it happens. Mama Do You love Me is another good one.

[jes h]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 

I telly son that I can't understand him when he's whining. I tell him to please use his sweet voice do that I can help him.

Yes.  I work really hard at this; it all depends on how well I can maintain my own composure in my frustration.  Loved Love and Logic...

I make a lot of 'we' statements.  I worked with a teacher who did this in her classroom.  Works well esp. with foster kids and visiting kids in and out of the house.  "we don't throw things here."  "We use a polite voice here".

Also, I TRY to make positive statements rather than negative ones (i.e, saying;  'please use a polite voice,' instead of  'stop whining!')

We talk a lot about having a 'good attitude' vs. a 'bad attitude'.  When we are frustrated, we can go to our room to calm down until we are ready to have a 'good attitude' again.  This applies to me, too...  :-)

Now, in reality, the likelyhood I will stick with this depends strongly on the amount of sleep I had before, how crazy he has been, etc.... but these are my intentions, anyway.  DS seems to have inherited/learned a lovely temper from me.  I'm TRYing to model decent control over mine...  and in the spirit of modeling, I do apologize to him when I let my temper get the best of me, even if he was making me C-R-A-Z-Y.