Coping with onslaught of nagging/advice/comments? « Back to Group Discussions

[JynxGirl]

What are some tips/tricks for handling people's seemingly non-stop advice?

I posted a belly pic of myself a few days ago on facebook, and my "friends" and family won't stop talking about how I'm so huge and how I need to find out if I'm having twins, and one lovely comment of "You should really stop eating!" Thing is? I haven't gained any weight at all this pregnancy!!!

Last night I posted to my cloth diapering friends about how many diapers we should be looking in to, and am now being sent messages about how to make diapers out of old bed sheets and how to wash diapers properly, because bleach burns babies... 0_0 I cloth diapered my daughter until she was three, and somehow people seem to think I've forgotten all of this. (Not to mention the advice was so outdated it was ridiculous...)

Anyway, enough ranting...

How do you ladies cope with the non-stop advice and criticisms? 

[casmer]

I tend to either completely ignore the behavior or go the opposite direction and tell them that they hurt my feelings.  I have been fortunate that no one has outrightly said anything hurtful, but I did say something when DH's step-father didn't congratulate us (DH's dad passed away and step-father has been there most of his life).  If they were comments on Facebook I would remove them and leave it at that.  If they noticed then I would probably message them and let them know it was an insensitive remark.  I think being honest, in the nicest way possible will get you farther and hopefully make you feel better.

As far as unsolicited advice, especially when it comes to diapering (because I'm SO darn excited about CDing), I would let them know that I've done a ton of research (and in your case have done this before) and am not looking for advice in that arena or that I was looking for an answer to my specific question, not on making diapers out of bed sheets (That's a neat idea, but not the information I really need at this point).

I'm a pretty blunt person IRL and when I get annoyed with people it can come off as rude (I think at least).  Some guy at church that I had never met before asked, "What are you going to do when you want to go out?" I replied, "Get a babysitter."  He didn't have anything else to say.  With all of the hormones getting me amped up, I'm trying to work on being a little nicer...it's SO hard sometimes not to just go off!

[cristeen]

Well... what's your preferred tactic?  Redirection?  Passive-agressive?  Confrontational?  Different approaches are more comfortable for different people and may also depend upon the audience (I'd say something to my GFs I wouldn't say to my dad and vice-versa.)

For weight comments, I'd suggest developing a blanket response to any comment of that type.  Something that gets the point across (and is probably a bit tactless), like... "Would you find that comment appropriate if I weren't pregnant?"  (for the ones commenting on weight/size) or for the ones suggesting twins, something equally tactless like "Are you saying I look fat?"  Or you could just go with something simpler like "Wow, what an inappropriate (rude/thoughtless) thing to say!"

For the cloth diaper people - I'd keep it simpler.  "Thank you for the info" or send them some links to more up-to-date info. 

[JynxGirl]

My preferred tactic is ignoring it all entirely... but that doesn't seem to be working for me this time. I'm just too frustrated I think. 
I do like the "Would this be appropriate if I weren't pregnant" thing. That fits amazingly well. 

[janellody]

I have been annoyed by the constant advice people offer but the most annoying was my sister. I posted something on facebook about drinking my healthy shake that I have here and there (before becoming pregnant I used it for weight loss but it is not meant just for weight loss, it is VERY nutritious and I use it now for added nutrition, not as a meal replacement) and she went off on how I need to be getting enough nutrition blah blah blah.  I first responded with something like "I understand the importance of nutrition, I don't use this as a meal replacement, just for added nutrition" but when she kept going, I made it clear that I had done all the proper research, I wasn't a teenager getting pregnant, I was on the verge of 29 years old and had waited my entire life to become pregnant and if she thinks I would jump into this without being fully prepared then she doesn't know me very well, etc.  That shut her up.  LOL.

I messaged her after and let her know that although she has only good intentions, people can come off as annoying to us pregnant women because most of them act as if we are stupid and don't know anything about what we are getting into.  It was a particularly bad time where I was already quite annoyed by many other comments and she was just close enough to me that I could go off on her and not feel too bad.  She now totally respects what I think and understand that I DO know what I am doing and don't need someone to tell me what to do every step of the way. 

I think people just assume we are all stupid and need constant help.  I don't know why this is the assumption.  Out of my siblings I am the most level-headed and successful, I never had any problems in school or with acting out as a child. I have don't everything in my life right where they have gotten caught up in drugs and had LOTS of problems.  My sister I was talking about has 2 children, one she had young during her drug days.  BUT as soon as they are parents, they think they know it all and have to tell us how to act while pregnant and how to raise our children.  It just doesn't make sense!

Ok sorry rambling.  My point is, I say you be upfront with them and blunt, but I am not afraid of saying how I feel in real life, same as cristeen.  No point in being mean to them, but be honest so they know they are being rude or leaving unneccessary information.

[Kamiro]

Wow, rude on the FB comments Jynx!  :(

I don't know what I'd say about the weight one to be honest, but you got good advice.

When it happens to me (all the time. I've been getting the twins comment since I was first preg!) I just smile and say "The Dr is quite sure it is only one." and move on. Exchanges like that should take no more emotional oomph than a quick chat about the weather.

[Sky]

UGH! that really irks me for you! People should really just keep their foot in their mouths and not take it our to say anything. I would not even think of saying something like that to anyone! how rude.

I would ignore it and then maybe come up with a comment back if they can't hush about it and then let them know they were rude.

When I was preg with DD the security guard at my work would say like every friday (and I mean every friday) "oh just wait you'll be huge and out to here in no time waddling...." WTH!

This was my first baby and I was so annoyed she never had anything positive to say. Anyway the funny thing was I ignored her and just smiled and shrugged it off. I did not even show until about 7.5 mths and even then I was tiny she finally admitted to being wrong but then she said "oh something must be wrong your too small WTH!! I told her nope Doctor said all was perfect for me and this is how I carry. I think some people are just full of DRAMA and they have to find it somewhere. I don't get why these people don't see they have an acid tongue and it's rude, I mean really where is there compassion.

I have not posted on FB yet about the babe... our family and close friends and all of you know :-) I plan on posting many pics of me preg this should be interesting.

I always love this remark... I have gotten it a few times. After I have told someone we are expecting.

"a surprise baby.... when did you find out you were preg?" or "oh you are just finding out" WTH!!! um NO I have known all along LOL....

rant over too :-)

[Astraia]

I roll my eyes, nod and smile, and then complain about it to other people. I'm also getting pretty good at pointing out their stupidity in a friendly sort of manner. I haven't gotten anything hugely inappropriate or rude, just stupid. When people assume it's my first (I look 20 years old, and median age for people here having their first is about 30!) they are full of, "Oh you just wait until the third trimester, then you'll be REALLY uncomfortable! No way you'll be able to work on your feet then, you'll barely be able to stand. TRUST ME, I know." Really, I've had two kids already and didn't have that problem at all! I love the people telling me how hard labour is and how I'll be screaming for the epidural before 6 centimeteres, and are totally flummoxed when I say, "oh really? I've already homebirthed two babies without drugs, I'm pretty sure the third will be a breeze." I'm secretly super super irritated and annoyed by the comments, but at the same time having fun watching facial expressions when they're caught looking like idiots. I don't know why they insist on telling me what I CAN'T do, or assuming that because they had it bad I will too.

I've been avoiding my other pregnant friend because she's waiting for me to start complaining and constantly asking me questions like, "doesn't your back hurt? Do you feel light headed yet? Don't you feel crampy ALL THE TIME? I'm always nauseaus, but I guess you are too!" I get it, I get it, you're miserable. Please leave me alone. I don't want to have to start inventing pains to make you feel better. I would love to talk baby if we didn't have to focus on all the negative so you can tell me for the ten millionth time that this is your last baby and you can't wait to just get it out of you.

Luckily my family is low on the stupid comments, and trust that I know what I'm doing. Even with my first they were quite trusting of my good sense, even though I was young (23), newly married, and definitely thought I knew it all.

You know what confuses me, Jynx? It's your second. I found that i got the most inappropriate/stupid/rude comments with my first baby, but by the second people must have assumed that I would catch them in their lies and misdirection or have a ready comeback or something like that because it dropped dramatically.  This time I get very few comments except from people who mistakenly think it's my first baby and they usually disappear really fast with a muttered "congrats" when they find out it's not.

[MLog]

I try not to give people too much of an opportunity to say something.  Everyone keeps asking if we have a name picked out.  We do, but I just say we're still thinking about it.  I don't really need to hear their opinions about it (especially because it's a namesake and I feel very strongly about it!)

If someone says something I don't want to hear I just start giving them really short responses and basically end the conversation.  Except about cloth diapers.  I'm so excited about trying this (thanks MDC!) and have put a ton on my registry with a note that this is what I would really like people to get for us.  Everything else is such crap.  Anyway, of course all my 100% mainstream friends are horrified and busy telling me how difficult it will be.  Not that they know from experience, but somehow they are experts.  Well, I happen to be very stubborn and if you tell me I can't do something... you bet your a&& I'm going to do it!  So I just feel all the more strongly about it.  Not to mention how much better it is for baby, environment, etc. etc.  Of course they don't want to hear my rationale.

It is my first so of course everyone knows more than I do and I try to remember that they think they are helping and preparing me.  Luckily for me, I also have crazy pregnancy brain and don't remember much so the annoying comments stay with me for only a few brief moments.  Yay!  A plus for memory loss!

[poppyseed2012]

I agree with all of the posts above and Janellody, you handled your sister so well!

In addition to being fairly blunt, I also don't give people much of an opportunity to say much. I don't post much about my pregnancy on FB for this reason. FB peeps can be whack! I appreciate MDC as an outlet for things I might normally post on FB.

And I think I've mentioned this before, but we're telling everyone our name when asked. And I preface it with, "Yes, we do have a name, and I'm so in love with it! It's Oscar Stephen." If someone is enough of an A hole to say something after that, I figure they're not worth wasting my time over.

[Kamiro]

Yeah I totally am not sharing my name with too many people IRL when we decide. My mom/sister family has pulled the *wrinkled nose* "Yuck. I'm not calling the baby that" in the past with other people and I think I would slap the crap out of them if they said that to me. Um. That was pregnancy hormones talking. LOL

Its actually really hurtful, but then again 'whatever', you know? They can stay where they are. LOL

I didn't mind the advice when I was pregnant with one so much. Maybe I'm the anomaly? I didn't like the comments like "You're going to need an epidural" and all those other negative comments that were smug, nor the weight comments - but general advice like "Make sure you _____ in the early days" or even "Don't hold the baby too much you'll spoil it!" said lovingly were ok. It forced me to research and take a firm stand on where I wanted to be.

Usually it all depended on how it was said. Smug or with good intentions?

[forestmushroom]

I love the part in hypnobabies where you practice making your Peace Bubble... and anything negative, or stressful, etc.?  You just don't let it in. 

So all those negative comments, or rude comments, etc... I just watch them *bounce away* off the outside of my peacebubble, and don't even let them in...

And keep my peace bubble filled with positive, loving, healing thoughts. 

Seriously, why dwell on other peoples' negativity--it doesn't help you at all.  I don't have time or space for their baggage. 

But I also don't share names, due dates, etc. I don't want their opinion on the name I am going to give my precious little one for all eternity--so I don't tell them.  I don't need to know their comments on the progress of my belly, what I should/shouldn't be doing close to my EDD--its none of their business. 

So I just keep it to myself, and share it with people who are respectful and supportive. 

The rest can go shove it! 

[janellody]

Originally Posted by poppyseed2012 

And I think I've mentioned this before, but we're telling everyone our name when asked. And I preface it with, "Yes, we do have a name, and I'm so in love with it! It's Oscar Stephen." If someone is enough of an A hole to say something after that, I figure they're not worth wasting my time over.

Me too!  I shouldn't have to hide our name for fear that people say something mean.  I love our name and no comments are gonna change my mind, but MAN if they DO say something.. they are the jerks..

[maryamrose]

the only unsolicited advice-giver so far has been my mother-in-law. she's not being as bad as she could be because she's distracted with family drama, which is nice. so far she's told me that carrying a baby too much will stunt their growth and that the fact that I'm an atheist means that me and/or my baby are in physical danger. she also told my husband to not let me go anywhere alone (!!), because something bad might happen to me? I think because her concerns are so outlandish, they just don't stick around for long enough to be upsetting to me. 

my default has been to do the phone equivalent of smile and nod, thank her for her opinion, and say that what she's saying is "interesting" (or some other neutral descriptor). that usually satisfies her. I'm seeing her (and my entire husband's family) in a couple days at a wedding and I'm sure there will be lots of advice and comments. I'm going to try my best to deal with it the same way. we'll see if that works.

ETA: I should add that my husband and I have always been strange as far as his family is concerned. we're pretty physically active ("don't exhaust yourselves!"), we rescue animals ("they're dirty, give them away"), for years we didn't eat any animal products ("you're going to get sick"), we don't like buying stuff we don't need... so we've gotten some practice with unsolicited advice and criticism. they haven't quite figured out that preaching at us is ineffective. 

[Sky]

Originally Posted by Astraia . Please leave me alone. I don't want to have to start inventing pains to make you feel better.

HA! this is how I feel!  There seems to be so much negative thoughts from others when it comes to "HOW" I (or woman in general should be when they are preg) and the worst comes from woman in my circle who have never even been pregnant LOL!