6 1/2 months pregnant...how to find the right adoptive family?

[clc156]

I am 6 1/2 months pregnant in Utah, and am strongly considering placing the baby for adoption.  I am already so in love with this baby, and am heartbroken at the thought of parting with him, but I feel it is what is best for him, and I just want to give him the best life possible.  I really would like to find a family with similar parenting values to mine, meaning non-vax, non-circ, co-sleeping, etc. as well as someone who is at least somewhat close to me, so that I would have the option to have some sort of relationship with the child. Is it possible to make a request to find a family like this?  Are there specific adoption agencies I should go through or somewhere I can look?  

[clc156]

Also, I have been told that I can have my medical and living expenses covered for the remainder of my pregnancy, which would be very helpful to me right now, but will my midwife be covered for a homebirth, or will I have to switch to a doctor in the hospital?

[excitedtobeamom]

It is definately possible to request a family that you want for our child.  There are families that fit your requirements for sure!  I would call agencies and ask the hard questions.  It is your choice to change your mind at any time until you sign after birth.  Also medical and housing costs can be covered but it varies state to state.  I don't have a good agency to recommend in Utah as we live in Arizona. 

[Siobhan Lewis]

I am not sure if this is "right" or not but here goes.  I am sorry if this goes against ethics rules.  My husband and I have been talking about adopting a child and I was heading over here to find out more information specifically on adopting a child that we can avoid vaccinating cosleep with etc. which I am not sure we can do with the foster/adopt route.  We have two beautiful girls already and I stay at home and have a home daycare and teach preschool classes in my home part time.  My husband works part time out of the home as an accountant and also part time in the home as a music teacher.  He has an accounting degree and music education degree and I have an Early Childhood and Elementary Education degree.  We don't vaccinate, cosleep, are against circumsision, and are very natural parents.  Our home is cleaned in all natural products and we don't rush to use conventional medicine unless it is needed.  I breastfeed and would love to breastfeed an adopted child if the birthmother/agency or anything was fine with that.  I had just told my husband this morning that it would be amazing if we could find a match that had the same values as us and wanted an open adoption just someone who didn't feel able to parent as this point in her and we could skip going through an agency.  If you are interested in talking to me further please send me an email at bj . siobhan @ gmail . com (no spaces).

I am sorry I couldn't answer your original question about agencies as we are just looking into adoption ourselves.  I wish you all of the best and hope to hear from you.

[CrazyCatLady]

Hello there. :) I have placed three children for adoption and every time I sought out very AP families as well.  Some of my adoption experiences have been wonderful.  Some I regret more than anything.  You need counseling now and after.  Not the phony counseling that an agency will provide either.  It needs to be private counseling from a therapist with experience in dealing with adoption issues.

If you decide that you want to place the baby, you need to decide if you want to go independent or use an agency.  I will never recommend agencies to any birth mom.  But other birth moms swear by them.  So to each their own.  I won't give agency advice other than to be careful.  They lie, cheat, and steal.  There are a few good agencies, but not many imo.

If you want to privately seek out your own adoptive family (and I think it's easier to find crunchy families this way), then turn to the internet for your search.  Contact local AP parenting groups, put an ad on craigslist, contact local homeschool groups, etc.  Be warned that you are going to receive a LOT of stupid, mean, and pointless emails.  You have to be strong enough to weed through them until you find what you are looking for.  It never took me long...but CA is a crunchy place.  Meet the family (in a safe, public spot the first time!).  Question them.  get to know them.  Figure out if its a match or not.  And if its not, try again.

Be careful because many, many adoptive parents lie.  They can really promise anything, and then once the adoption if final...you are out of luck.  So do your homework.  I purposely chose homes that already had children in them.  Because then I could see first hand how the parents really parent.  Plus I don't want my kid being anyone elses practice kid (sorry, but it's how I feel).  It's also harder for people with kids to pack up and run from you to avoid contact. 

The family may want to use an agency or they may want to go independent.  Either way, yes you are entitled to pregnancy expenses being paid (depending on the state you live in).  If you find a good, crunchy family...they might be willing to pay for your homebirth.  My guess is most are going to want you to use free medicaid and deliver at a hospital though.  You are also entitled to your own lawyer.  Do not waive that right!

I could babble on for hours since I have so much experience (unfortunately) with this.  Feel free to ask me here or pm me with any questions.  Best of luck to you.  Also be careful of the 100 pm's you are going to get from here with people wanting your baby.  You may find a match, but really...it's tacky for hopeful adoptive parents to be contacting you because of this thread.  It;s not why you posted.

Best of luck!

[clc156]

Thank you all for responding!  I am really scared about making sure that I do this the right way.  I have gotten a couple of PMs, but honestly, I don't mind the requests.  It has given me hope that there are AP families out there looking to adopt and that I will be able to find the family I am looking for.

[Imakcerka]

Good luck to you mama

[CrazyCatLady]

Just a warning.  We are not allowed to seek out adoptive families on MDC.  They don't want to be responsible for it.  So be careful because I would hate to see your thread get pulled.

[clc156]

Ok, thanks for the heads up!  Yeah, that is not my intention here at all, it is just encouraging to see that there are families like this who are looking.

[lauren]

Locking while seeking clarification.