Who will be coming to your birth? « Back to Group Discussions

[Mama Chickadee]

It seems like a long way away, but I just started thinking about this, because I know my mom is going to be asking soon!

When I had my DD, my mom was invited to the birth, but sort of because she REALLY wanted to be there. I wasn't really sure how I was going to feel and such, and was more inclined to just have DH and I, but I did invite her in the end. However, DD came very fast, and she wasn't able to make it in time (fast birth + long drive for her), and arrived about an hour after DD was born.

For DS, I invited my mom again, and was more ok with having her there. This time, we were very alert to labor signs, and she had plenty of time to get there. It was nice having her there in some respects, but in others she was very distracting. She was trying to call in to work (she was in a job where calling out for the day was extremely discouraged, and could potentially cost her the job) so I was literally in transition, pacing around the room, and she was in the corner of my room making calls. Earlier in labor, when I was just kind of resting/breathing thru contractions, any time I opened my eyes, she was right there, studying me, which was not relaxing at all! It was special to have her there and see her hold DS for the first time when we was so tiny, though. 

So this time around, I am really thinking hard about what I want. On the one hand, she had both me and my sibling naturally, worked in a labor support capacity at one point in her career, and is a highly skilled medical professional, and if anything went wrong (we are birthing at the hospital), I would totally trust her to interpret what is going on, and give me advice that would support what she knows my birth preferences are. Plus, she'd never allow any kind of medical bullying - she'd rip someone's head off before she'd let them give me a hard time :)

On the other hand, when I am laboring, I have learned that the only person I really want around me, touching me, or helping me is DH. It would be nice if it could just be us laboring together, and not having to share any of that first bit of special family time with anyone else.

Further complicating all this is that my solo-practice OB is taking her only vacation of the year on, or a little after my due date. I love her, and she is extremely supportive of natural birth, BUT if I go past my date, and get stuck with OB-du-jour, I think I would want my mother there, because of her aforementioned skills. However, it seems sort of rude to say "I don't want you at the birth, unless of course, I want you there for medical support"

Anyway, those are the thoughts swirling about in my mind these days! Who are you inviting to your birth?

[Sol_y_Paz]

Glad you are already planning.  I am not sure yet but I don't think I will really get to invite anyone, I think people will just show up and some no matter if I want them to or not!  

[Knitting Mama]

Last time, it was a social situation.  My parents, my sister, my inlaws, my SIL, all were there at some stage or another. And given that I delivered at a hospital, there were nurses and stuff too.

This time, I think I want less people there. It didn't exactly stress me out, per se, but I want to see what it's like to have just my husband (and the medical staff), and maybe my sister so my husband can go be with Cecilia. I will probably ask both my parents and my ILs to watch Cece in shifts, so that no one person gets burned out. And then for nighttime, I think having my husband go home to be with her will work. I don't mind being in the hospital by myself with the new baby, given that I won't really ever be ALONE alone.

[monkeyscience]

Nobody is invited to the birth but dh and the midwives! I do not need anyone else judging, worrying, offering advice or giving opinions! And I've seen waaaay too many TLC/Discovery baby episodes where the family drives the laboring mom nuts to ever want that. I know other people like it to be a big family event, though why that should be is just a total mystery to me. So even though I'll be at a birth center where I could have whoever I wanted there, it will just be dh, at least until babe is actually out.

[Thebyr]

My midwife, my doula and the hubs.. and maybe a nurse. That's IT. My mom would drive me INSANE.. she drives me insane when I'm not in labor - so I know she'd be too much during labor. I'd invite the hub's mom - but then my mom would feel slighted.. so we just won't invite anyone. It's probably better that way.

[IntuitiveJamie]

I've been giving this a lot of thought too. And I understand where you're coming from b/c it is such a private, special and important time. It makes sense to think about it a lot and strive for the best scenario.

My last two births were me and my husband and the doula for one,(unassisted); and the mw for the second. I also had a babysitter come sit with my son who was under 2 at the time for the second birth. They were in the living room hanging out. My son didn't even know what was going on and she never came in the room either. This time I have two children, and I want them to partake (if they want). Or at least be awake and around. So I feel I need a babysitter of such. So my husband and I just had this very conversation last night. Who do we have to come help?

Two obvious choices would be his mom or our sil. I know his Mom would be thrilled, but he doesn't think she would even want to get out of bed to do it. I think he's nuts for thinking that. I know she'd be thrilled to be invited, especially b/c that last two births I've kept everyone at bay for hours after the birth. I like it to just be me and hubby enjoying our new fam.

The other choice is fly my sister and niece out. She would be awesome on all counts, especially postpartum. I know she'd take care of my kids and help out for days, cooking, cleaning, and doing whatever she could. My husband doesn't like the idea of my niece coming too though, b/c that just adds another toddler into the mix and he thinks that would be stressful. And it would be like having company. We'd have to pray we timed it just right for her to fly here. She's likely have to stay over a week to ensure she's here for the birth. So there are downsides to her coming.

And sil would be a great choice. I think she'd really like to do it, but I think it would be hard to ask her and not have it hurt mil's feelings.

Obviously we're not sure yet either.

[Ninetales]

The first time it was just me and J and the midwives at the birth center, when we transferred one of them came along to act as doula.  Once word got around to family that we were in the hospital we had my mom, sister, dad, and in-laws drop by to say hello before camping out in the waiting room.

This time besides J, I'm looking into a doula, or if I can't afford it, a friend who can be a bulldog for me.  My mother is assertive, but squeamish, and my mother-in-law is too timid.

[dovemama]

Last time I had my mom, DH, and a volunteer doula. I felt really alone. My mom was mostly excited for baby and a bit worried about me (even though things were going great), DH was in shock, and it was doula's first time, so she just sort of sat and stared and asked a few questions. I felt super calm and happy for my mom to be there, but she also stressed me out a bit. (Natural birth is a bit of new thing to her). DH is a super introvert and just sort of processed things on his own . I am hoping since he has done this before he won't look so scared, because that wasn't making me feel good during pushing phase.

This time I don't know. It is worrying me a bit. I really want to have a great doula, but in this area they are close to 2k, which we cannot afford. What do I do with my 2 year old at the time? We are new to the area and sadly I don't feel that I have anyone I can leave her with. Do we ask in-laws to come and stay?? Oy!!!

[major_mama11]

Just me and DH. Our families tend to be too intrusive for us to want them there. My mom used to be a labor nurse, and if she were present she would likely second guess everything people do. We'll call people after we've had a couple hours to snuggle the baby.

[marinak1977]

DH and I, and depending on the time, DS may be brought in (our friends will watch him and if he is awake bring him to us) after the baby is born.

[LittleBirdy]

Me, DH, and our 2 midwives.  Haven't quite figured out what to do with DS yet.

For my first birth, I invited my best friend and my SIL to be in attendance.  I had to call them and tell them not to come.  Once I was in labor I did not want anybody around that didn't absolutely have to be there.

[KristyDi]

Last time DH was there all the time and my mom and sister rotated in and out with DH's mom and sister.  I could do with out MIL and SIL, but they didn't really bother me.  I'm not prepared to deal with the potential fall out of telling them not to come, but will probably delay calling them when labor starts.  

On the other hand, my mom and sister were awesome.  So supportive and helpful.  I'm going to get my sister to come to Bradley classes with me so she can be like a coach/doula for me.  I love my DH dearly, but he's not good at asking questions or disagreeing with dr's when necessary.  My sister rocks at it.  And if she has more info and has talked with me beforehand about stuff she can help me advocate for myself, which I wasn't great at last time.

My mom was so encouraging and comforting.  Rubbing my legs when they cramped, putting pressure on my back during contractions just generally taking care of me without being overbearing.

[eleuthia]

My family lives a 12 hour drive away, and they have their own families & responsibilities, so I don't think any of them can just drop everything and get in the car when my labor starts. But two of my sisters are hoping to come out a few days before my due date to help set up the "nursery" and do other crafty/nesting things. Hopefully they'll be around during the birth, but I may have them wait in the family area.

I would like to have my mom around, possibly in the room with me, since she was a postpartum nurse who gave birth 8 times and took Bradley classes and talked other women through breastfeeding, and I consider her an advocate for natural birth... but she's also my mom and it might be hard for her to see me in pain and she might worry if any issues arise, especially since I (hopefully) won't be in the hospital. It probably won't be possible anyway since she works full-time and generally needs to request vacation in advance. But she will probably schedule time after my due date and hopefully the timing will line up for my parents to be here. I wouldn't actually want him in the room, but I bet my dad is a good birth coach! At the very least, he'd make a good coach for my partner. 

Best case scenario is that my sisters and parents can overlap their time here and everyone will be around! But I have to prepare myself for the possibility that it will be just my partner, the midwife & birth center staff, possibly a doula, and me. I'd consider opening it up to some of my friends, but I'm not super close to anyone in the area and I think it would be a lot to ask someone to hang out at the birth center for an undetermined amount of time when I'm not sure I'll want to be social.

[moremadder]

I am definitely in the "nobody but me and DH" camp. My family is super private and non-demonstrative (to a degree that actually makes me sad, but in this case it works well) so they never even expected to come to the birth last time, when we lived near them. This time we live near my husband's family, and he has told me his mom will be very disappointed at not getting to be there. I feel bad, but not bad enough to consider it. The really awkward thing is that I'm thinking about asking my mom to fly out to be here to take care of my son while I'm at the hospital--because it will make her happy--which means my MIL can't even take that role.

[ithappened]

I have been thinking about this a lot because of DS (who will be 2.5 yr old at the birth). We have no family or friends to leave him with and we plan a hospital birth.. I don't really want to go alone but I am not sure having him there is something which will be positive for him? He is also so high energy Im afraid he will just be all over the room and cabinets which will add a lot of stress to the birth for me.. but if he doesn't come, either does DH :( :(

I just dont know what we will do.

[Harmony08]

I'm thinking about this a lot lately too.  I only want me, dh, and maybe a doula there for the actual birth but I don't really know where I want the rest of my family to be.  Both my parents and in-laws are about a four hour drive away.  Last time they all drove in and waited in the waiting room at the hospital forever (I had a long labor, about 10 hours at the hospital after 30 hours at home) and they were not the best behaved.  It just didn't go well and they kinda ruined (or tried to ruin) my day.  This time we may just call them after the baby is born.  I have a close friend nearby who can watch ds so I really don't need them.  I just hate to think about how pissed they will all be.......

[Knitting Mama]

I would totally not call until the baby was there in your case!

I broached the subject very casually with my inlaws about trading off who has Cecilia while I'm in the hospital and they seemed receptive. So now I'm just praying that I can go into labor during the day instead of at night so my husband can come along! 

[DesertSunsets]

I have been planning for DW, my mother, and MIL to be there. I feel like they will all offer support in very different ways, so I will have choices.  I'm also confident that if I changed my mind during labor and really only wanted DW and the midwife in the room, they would listen and not make a big deal.  We also feel like its important for my in-laws to be there and feel included since their first grandchild won't be biologically related to them (although this is a much smaller concern since MIL found out she was adopted as a baby). DW also wants MIL there as support for her, which I can understand.

[Babymakesfour]

With DD last year, my sister and DH were my 'coaches' and we had our midwife. I laboured with DH at home alone until my sis got there, but she talked to me for about 10 minutes, then insisted she was 'so tired!' from driving an hour, and being that it was 1 am, so she had a nap in my room! She actually complained when I came in the room to get on the bed when the midwife finally decided to come over. The midwife walked in the door, assessed me, I was at 7 cm, we drove to the hospital and I delivered 45 min later. My sister had to leave the room to use the washroom and almost missed the birth. Later, she said, "I know you were in labour and everything, but I was so sick with a cold that day. I was exhausted!" Can you say, spoiled youngest child syndrome? I could have killed her. Oh, and my midwife was filling out paperwork while I was crowning, and finally knew it was serious when I started screaming. I pushed, like, three times before the baby came. My team, was uh, lacking to say the least. But, on a positive note, DH was sweet and tried to keep me focused and calm.

So, with this one, my sister actually asked me if she was going to be a part of the birth. I asked her if she could handle it, and then reminded her it seemed taxing last time. I said, I don't want you pushing yourself if it's inconvenient. She said she'd be more prepared this time. I still don't know if we'll 'accidentally' call her too late to make it .

[lactomom]

The usuals:

Hubby

Our 2 kids (5 and 2.5 at the time of birth)

Someone to help with the kids (not sure who that will be but I know it WON'T be my mom or MIL)

Midwife 

Midwife's Assistant 

I'm a very private birther. My husband will be allowed to be with me, but my midwife and her assistant will have very minimal contact with me during the birth. Mainly pop in every now and then for a heartbeat check.