How do you choose your battles?

[Ange7894]

Hello all,

I'm new to the forum and am thankful I've found one that covers so much ground! My daughter Zoe will be 2 in March and for the most part the 2's are not so terrible. She says no to EVERYTHING, which I'm actually able to deal with. Sometimes it even makes me laugh, because most of the time she actually wants what she says no to. The main area we struggle with is dinner time.

I know it's so common at this age, but it just baffles me to no end how all of a sudden she's picky with things she used to inhale. She won't even try things. She cowers away from them like they're poison. Tonight I made plain ordinary pasta, which is something she'd have almost every day if she could a year ago. She wouldn't touch it. She kept grabbing for my bowl, so I thought maybe she wanted to feel like a big girl and eat out of a "big girl bowl". I got another bowl, put her pasta in it, and even gave her a regular fork (a cake fork though so it was smaller), and it appeared like that might work. She got the pasta to her lips and changed her mind. This then turned into a full on battle where she kept asking for things like her crayons, or to go watch TV, and I refused. I told her she couldn't do any of those things until she had some dinner. She screamed and cried, and I just wouldn't cave. I eventually threw out the pasta, unbuckled her out of the chair, and let her cry. 

I feel so helpless in these moments because I don't know what the right thing to do is. Do I insist and continue "punishing" her, even though she probably doesn't fully understand what she's doing wrong? Or do I given in under the same assumption and hope I don't create a monster of her thinking crying will always get her way. My husband eventually gave her a muffin for dinner (which along with applesauce and yogurt are the 3 main things she continues to ask for), but I insisted she not be allowed to color.

One of my biggest fears is having a spoiled brat for a child. But I don't have the personality to be totally cold either.

*sigh* Thanks all for letting me vent. Any tips or reassurances would be appreciated. 

[Super~Single~Mama]

I don't do food battles. I tried, failed, and then gave up, lol.

What I do is make dinner - both my ds and I eat the same thing. Then I make us each a plate, and he either eats or not. If he doesn't, I will heat it up later, or make a pb&j (easy, no dishes to clean, he loves it).

Eating is only allowed at the table, and at dinner we talk about our day, but he is not required to sit with me.

The battles I choose are usually safety related, and when I say no I mean no.

Fwiw, my son is charming outside the house, is extremely well behaved at daycare, and usually says please and thank you. We have many challenges, but food battles only made behavior issues worse.

[brneyedmama]

Oh I can totally relate!  We've had food issues with DD since day 1, and she's now 16 months and it just seems to get worse. I finally put my hands on the book, "how to get your child to eat, but not too much."  It's written by a dietitian who specializes in kids and is very interesting.  I didn't take stock in ALL of her ideas, but her main theme is to not use food as a power struggle with your kids.  Easier said than done when all you want them to do is eat something proper, but she insists that kids know when their hungry and will eat when they're ready.

I agree with the PP about having dinner together, at the table and no special meals.  This author also echo's, "don't become a short order cook"  It's the kiddo's responsibility to eat what you put in front of them.  If they don't want it, they get down, but mommy and daddy stay at the table and finish their dinner.  Perhaps it can be warmed up and offered again 1/2 an hr later?

DD literally lives off of air and her bottles.  She is exposed to new foods everyday -sometimes she eats them, but usually she doesn't.  She used to love mandarin oranges, grapes and sliced ham, now she hates them all.  I know the look you're talking about, LOL, I see it daily.  And it baffles me as well as to how they can be SO repulsed by something that they haven't even tried.  But anyway, I would try really hard not to get too anxious about her not eating, because they notice your reaction then it turns into a game....just role with the punches, and hopefully after a while, when she sees mommy and daddy enjoying their pasta, she'll ask to get back up to the table and try some herself.  That's good advice for me too!  Good luck!

[Peony]

I don't battle over food at all. Way to many adults have food issues and I'm not going to start my children down that path if I can help it. I cook one meal, but with with sides so if my kids don't like the main meal, hopefully they will eat one of the sides. If that fails, and it does, then then what they can have are very simple things. Food they can grab, a muffin would of been fine, fruit, leftovers from another night, but I will not cook something entirely separate. 

There are many, many reasons why they refuse food. At this age it often can be about independence. Don't make not eating a punishment though, you won't want kids to eat when they are not hungry just because. Adults would do well to follow the eating patterns of most children who eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. 

Like super single mama, my battles are usually safety related. All kids are rude at times, and mine are guilty of that here but routine bad behavior is not. You always have to learn what is normal for a 2 year or 4 year, or what ever their age is. My 3 kids that are 2 and up always get comments on their good behavior. 

[Snapdragon]

My ds will be 2 in March also. I don't battle him over food at all! I try to offer what I think is healthy, and what I think he'll eat, and some combo of those. We don't have that structured of mealtimes even right now- I think we will more so as he gets older, and he is our only. I want him to feel empowered and have a peaceful relationship with food. I kind of wing it- I am always trying to do better in terms of finding healthier things he will eat- but I feel that this is my own responsibilty to get more creative with cooking, not his to adapt to how I want him to be. In the situation you described I would not have punished or made the child feel badly is they didn't want the pasta. I would just know that that is not something to offer at this time and try to find things they like. For me I first try to find things ds likes to eat, and then go from there and try to ammend them to be healthier. Sometimes ds will only eat the same few things- cereal, yogurt, fruit, milk, crackers, muffins- etc. And that is okay- I just pay attenttion to the general balance of his diet- and try to add protein often enough- he actuslly likes meat fairly often. and I try to give him veggies when he will eat them but I don't fight it if he doesn't. this age is still so young,I don't think trying to get them to eat something and then punishing or getting mad or revoking privelages if they don't, is a helpful practice. Better to go on a journey together to figure out what they like, to make food enjoyable, and to try to then make it as fresh ad healthy as we can but I also forgive myself for the days when he just eats bread and yogurt and juice! Right now I am in the process of trying to figure out ways to add green veggies into things like fruit smoothies or other things so he will eat them! Soup is another thing I am trying to encourage more.

[Asiago]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 
The battles I choose are usually safety related, and when I say no I mean no.
 

This is my opinion also.

Regarding the subject of eating, my son usually starts out in his chair with his plate, then moves to my lap and eats from my plate. Even though it's the same food, apparently it's much better. It's fine with me, it feels much more natural anyway. We are both happy. That's the way he has eaten most of the time since I can remember. Plus, he's easy in restaurants, he's a lap baby and never requires a different entree.

Perhaps just make one plate that you and Zoe share (?)

Edited by Asiago - 1/29/12 at 4:24pm

[jes h]

I noticed my son (now 3.5) went through a 'no' stage at 2 where he would say no to everything, even things he wanted.  He would then get sad that he didn't have them, and cry for them (toys, food, etc.).   We would generally comply then.   When I wasn't totally annoyed, I could see that he was just sort of realizing he had control over things with language;  and 'no' was a new tool.  Our 2 year old DFS went through the same pattern, but was more defiant with it (less cute) we did the same thing with him.  Usually helped if we gave him a new script; "When Grandma asks if you like your apple, say 'I like this apple.'"

I also notice with my son that he eats a HUGE breakfast, a sort of normal(?) lunch and usually no dinner.  Sometimes these will flip.  Some times he will hit a growth spurt and inhale everything, ask for more snacks, and generally go to town on his food. 

Toddler bodies grow funny; and they may not really know when/what they want to eat, either.

Now, we almost got into power struggles with our older DFS (5) when he first came in because he would eat nothing, then look at us clearly looking for attention for it. (and I would be fuming inside about the wasted food.)  The solution was to give him a tiny serving (like, 1 ravioli) and then not talk about the food at all.  I pretended it wasn't there and gave him NO attention whether he ate it or not - but he did get attention for participating in the discussion about our day; usually the question 'what was your favorite part of the day?'.  Eventually, he started chatting about his day, served himself and ate small meals.  He was just used to getting all his adult attention by using/manipulating food and needed other tools.

[CalaRei]

Oh, the food battles.  We're exhausted by it right now, and dinner was particularly bad tonight.  They sort of stopped eating anything, especially if it's not fruit.  Sooo... we don't force "one more bite" but I do try the following things.

* They have to stay at the table until we're done - we strap them into boosters if we need to.  I got tired of getting up and chasing after them while they ran around the house causing havoc while I ate (or my food got cold, realistically).  

* If you want more of ____ (whatever the preferred food is) you have to at least taste _____ (whatever got ignored).  (This is hard to make them understand, but they're getting it - even if the taste is just a lick.)

* Banging, spitting, throwing food/plates/utensils/drinks gets them removed with one more chance in a moment or two, but they still have to sit there so that I can at least get a meal in.  (I was starting to seriously get ill from eating crappy quick snacks and not real meals.)

We eat something about every two hours, so it's not like they'll go forever again before they eat, so I *try* to let it roll off my back, even though it's really frustrating to make good healthy food and then throw it away.  I give them *tiny* servings.  Like 4 noodles and two bites of chicken.  And I give myself blessing to take it easy on days that've been rough - I'm not ashamed to say that we had oatmeal one night when hubby was out of town and they hadn't eaten anything else that day.

Mine ALSO follow the huge breakfast, bites of lunch and no dinner schedule, with lots of fruit, non-sugary yogurt and the like in between.  I bulk up what I can with protein and healthy fats (oatmeal with milk instead of water, etc), and really praise TRYING things.  I love the "It's Not About Nutrition" blog - a lot of it is hard at this age because of the above mentioned dynamic between language and power discovery, etc.  Just be gentle with yourself and your kiddo as best you can.  I have to get better about making ONE meal and including parts that are "toddler acceptable" because it's not fair to ME and my husband to be restricted, either.

[Ange7894]

Thank you all so much for these wonderful and helpful replies. All of them have been incredibly eye opening. The comments about power struggles and creating negative associations with food have really hit home. Creating a good relationship with food is a huge priority for me as I did not have a good experience growing up. I was taught to use food for comfort and to this day have trouble controlling emotional eating. I was determined to not repeat this pattern for my daughter and so far she eats when she's hungry and we try not to offer her anything (even milk) when she's upset. I did not think about my punishment to her as creating a similar pattern. But it makes perfect sense. Last night was pasta night again and she got the fork to her lips and then pushed it away. I didn't argue this time (or punish), and she had a waffle, some sliced ham, and a piece of cheese instead. I understand based on your comments how this is not the battle to fight when trying to gain the upper hand in a power struggle. I'm hoping when she gets a little bit older we'll be able to compromise better in the "taste one piece and if you don't like it you can have something else" game, but until then I will need to go with the flow and let her tell me what she wants to eat.

The "don't be a short order cook" rule is a hard one for me because it's actually a common practice in our house (even before my daughter was born). My husband and I are pretty picky eaters ourselves and it's happened several times before where I make something my husband doesn't like. So he'll cook his own dinner. I'm not as stressed about that too much. I just want to have it where she'll at least try something and if she doesn't like it then we move on to what she will eat. 

This has been a huge help! :)

[Peony]

And you will get there. I require my older kids, 5 and 9 to try a bite or get their own food if they don't like what I made. They are more then capable of doing that. For my almost 3 year? No! He just yells no if he doesn't want something and he isn't going to listen, eventually he will get older and understand more. 

[jes h]

I do think there is room with whatever your comfort level is.

If you and your husband are accustomed to doing different meals occasionally, then it may not bother you as much to do so.  Its not like you are having something healthy, then giving her chocolate ice cream sundays for dinner...     Maybe just keeping things on hand (like it sounds like you are doing) to throw together a healthy dinner option without a lot of work is a good compromise.   Peanut butter on whole wheat bread makes complete proteins, right?

I learned with our battles with FS that what I really needed to protect was our family time at dinner.  Whatever I offered them, whether it was what I made, or a quick alternative (again, generally when I overdid the curry, or chili, or something difficult for little ones) I knew it was very/mostly healthy for them, so they would get the nutrients they needed at some point.  Once dinner time became less stressful, FS was more willing to try what we had, because dinner time became less about the food and more about our fun time together.  Better eating patterns followed.

I am a super picky eater, too, so I really have little room to really get down on the kids in our house.  The other day DS took a bite of something he didn't like, went 'BLAH!!!,'  and made an awful face while shuddering.  You'd think he just ate rat poison or something.  Before I could say anything, DH pointed at me and said "HE GOT THAT FROM YOU!!!!"  Its true.  It was exactly what I do.