Am I just taking it personally?

[mindygerecke]

I just pined down and discovered how I was really feeling and now I can't stop thinking about it.  I would love your thoughts, tips, and advice!

I don't feel like my dad respects me or my parenting choices.  He is always just doing what he wants with my kids.  It's nothing extreme which makes me feel like I am overreacting. This has been an on going issue with him and I, and they are currently visiting us while we are stationed overseas.  He'll do things like give them cookies whenever, chocolate milk for breakfast, and when they go on walks he will never buckle them in.  When I try to explain that, for example, it is also a kids bike trailer so I want them to be expecting to be buckled in every time they hop in so I don't have to fight with them when they don't want to be buckled.  He will just cut me off mid explanation (the moment my tone starts to sound the least bit negative) and passive aggressively say something like "Fine! Whatever! We're just walking to the park, I don't see why they need it." then walk away.  Sometimes he will throw in a remark of "I can't do anything right" or something similar.  Any negativity or opposing remark to what he is doing or staying is shut down.

It makes me so frustrated and that he won't listen or respect my wishes.  Not to mention while he is staying here everything he wants a different way he will put it the way he wants.  Doors to bathrooms and laundry rooms are always open ("so it can vent") and my twins are 2 1/2 & still very curious about everything.  I don't want them getting into any of the dangerous things in the laundry room or making a mess in the bathroom!  I feel like using my "stern mom voice" about keeping doors shut and locked is a trivial thing.  To me its important, but I feel like I am just overreacting.  Not to mention, what happens if I he still doesn't? Put him in time out for not listening? lol

I'm sure there's more or things I haven't fully explained, but I don't want my rant to get too lengthy!  Either way, I feel like once my girls are older they may start picking up on these traits of his and start treating me the same way.  My mom, on the other hand is his complete opposite and I love having her around to help.  I have almost felt like telling them that unless dad can respect my parenting and the way I run my house then they can stay home.  So far my overseas visit has been VERY lonely and difficult so and they are the only ones who visit.  I don't want to have to do that.  I feel so frustrated and confused.  There is no way I could talk to him about this.  We have never been close.  My mom doesn't even really stand up to him.  When she tries to talk to him about things after a while she just gives up and says he won't listen.  Any ideas?   Thanks for listening <3

[tropicana]

i think you are over-reacting a bit. grandparents spoiling the little ones with treats is no big deal, especially when they are visiting you from overseas. once they leave, you can explain to your kids that riding unbuckled was a treat from grandpa and won't be the way things are done anymore. 

leaving doors open to vent is easily cured by you going around and shutting them as you like... but i would try to do it casually and without fanfare.

pick your battles. if there is/are one or two things that are *critical*, explain to your dad that you are going to give in to him on all the other points, and would he just let you "have" these few simple "rules."

at least that's what i would do... from my "outside" vantage point.

good luck.

[lookatreestar]

yep. pick your battles. if safety is the most important, i'd over look the chocolate milk. i know its not the most popular answer but honestly its how i deal with my in laws. my kids having a relationship with them is more important than the fact that they let them eat ketchup with everything. but letting my 2.5 year old ride in a booster... umm ain't gonna fly here. kwim?

[mindygerecke]

Thank you very much!  I knew part of my issue is I am being clouded by all of the repressed negative feelings regarding him that resurface when he does those things. I am still working on sorting them out.  Even though I have a hard time with picking my battles because everything is important to me, kwim?  I do understand the concept though and I am going to try it out.  Maybe I will point out, before I explain to him that it is important to me that the carseat be installed the correct/safe way (no way I'll give in on that! ), that I have given in to them getting chocolate milk for breakfast and frequent treats.  Not so much in a "time to get MY way" sort of thing, but a "c'mon... level with me here".  I hope it works!  Thanks again, tropicanna and lookatreestar, for the advice!