My daughter has always called me by first name - Page 2

[milkybean]

Originally Posted by MariaMadly 

FIL would consistently call MIL by her first name to DH.  I didn't get why this bothered me until just a few years ago -- he died in 2000 -- when we were sifting through our own midlife first family issues.  In some cases the usage could be just a casual warmth, but FIL was a terrified, self-absorbed, emotionally violent man.  Calling his son's mother by her first name to his own son struck me as a possessive claim on ALL her focus, identified her to their own child as specifically not-Mom.  What bothered me is that it was done as part of overlooking the child.  In the OP's case it feels like part of an obvious connection with the child.

You know what's worse?  Having your father call your mom "your mother" like it is a dirty word.  THAT is nasty.  Having a man call his wife by her name is NOT nasty, and it's not a subconscious way of diminishing her motherhood.  Calling a spouse by the parenting honorific, IMO, is weird to me.

OP, I don't speak in the 3rd person to anyone (hearing it is like nails on a chalkboard to me) and hubby (having grown up in a household where his parents called each other daddy and mother and found it weird beyond belief and pretty gross as well) used my name, so DS never even realized I had a title.  Well, he did call me "Milk" for a bit, since he would ask for milk and I would respond.  :)  DH told him that he was "papa" so DH got called that...but I never used any of the titles for myself with him.  Just didn't see the point.  So he knew my name is Molly.  Which, frankly, is so close to "mommy" that most of the kids of my friends got it mixed up anyway, and I was tired of it by the time I had my own kidlet. 

A few months ago, though, and he's 7.5 now, he started on a kick of using the title.  More than one.  So I'm now getting mom, mama, mommy (cannot stand that one), and ma (b/c I said I'd rather hear "ma" than "mommy").  It's odd!  I blame it on his acupuncturist, who tweaked when she heard him call me Molly, and was stern with him.  I didn't think he'd take it seriously, but he did.  I'm am thoroughly annoyed with her (I was mainly annoyed with her before) as it was NOT her place to do it.

Lastly....supposedly I called my dad by name once.  I don't remember this.  I guess he was very clear in the concept that I am not to call him by name.  I called my mom by name.  It did start in anger, at 4, when she divorced my dad (for many good reasons, which I was sadly very aware of), but it just ended up being who she was.  She was Judy, and she was my mom.  And I respected her 1 billion times more than I respect my dad, no matter what someone else might think b/c of the name/title I used for them.

I'm just surprised that your SIL didn't know this about you guys!  My MIL hates it, but she deals with it, since she's heard it lots of times.  (she just about fell over on their last visit, when DS referred to me as "mom")

[MariaMadly]

Originally Posted by milkybean 

You know what's worse?  Having your father call your mom "your mother" like it is a dirty word.  THAT is nasty.  Having a man call his wife by her name is NOT nasty, and it's not a subconscious way of diminishing her motherhood.  Calling a spouse by the parenting honorific, IMO, is weird to me.

Yes, it is.  As though he were spitting on both mother and child.

My conclusion about FIL's language is based on extensive context that would have required a rude thread-jack to substantiate.  Tell me something he has said or done isn't nasty when you've been married to his son.  I apologize if I didn't qualify my opinion enough in my PP.

For clarification, DH and I use "Mom" and "Dad" -ish words about one another when we're talking with the kids, but never to each other, even (especially, probably) around them.  I'd feel really uncomfortable doing that.

[ollyoxenfree]

Originally Posted by Dr.Worm 

My dd calls me mom and has never called me by my first name but I think if it works for your family, whats the prob? I don't go around saying "Daughter!" LOL   

Funny enough, when DD calls me "Mother" (instead of the less formal Mom) , I actually do respond sometimes with "Daughter". I dunno why, something about the symmetry of language. I don't know when I started doing it, but it's a little quirky habit now. It isn't my usual form of address for her, but I use it now and then.  

[ollyoxenfree]

Thinking about this issue, I realized that I may not object to my own children using my first name because I've never objected if other children use it. In fact, I've always invited children to call me by my first name, rather than "Ms or Mrs MyLastName" or "Ms or Mrs DH/DC'sLastName". 

If all of their friends call me by my name, as well as all of the adults around us, it seems a little silly to insist that they cannot. 

[whatsnextmom]

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree 

Thinking about this issue, I realized that I may not object to my own children using my first name because I've never objected if other children use it. In fact, I've always invited children to call me by my first name, rather than "Ms or Mrs MyLastName" or "Ms or Mrs DH/DC'sLastName". 

If all of their friends call me by my name, as well as all of the adults around us, it seems a little silly to insist that they cannot. 

This is sort of a generational thing. It's not something that was done often when we were kids but I know very few parents our age that object to being called by their first name by children. I don't think it should be looked at as those who use "mom and dad" are being required too. They are just endearments and if a family sticks with them, then that is what they do.

[ollyoxenfree]

Originally Posted by whatsnextmom 

This is sort of a generational thing. It's not something that was done often when we were kids but I know very few parents our age that object to being called by their first name by children. I don't think it should be looked at as those who use "mom and dad" are being required too. They are just endearments and if a family sticks with them, then that is what they do.

Not sure if you think that I'm saying that any kid who uses "mom and dad" are being required to do so. I get that these are traditional reference terms, used out of habit. As I said upthread, my own kids use variations of "Mom" (and "Dad".  I'm just saying I wouldn't object if they used my first name, probably for the same reasons that I don't object if any other kid called me by it. The OP referred to someone who requires her child to call her "Mom". Having thought about it, personally I would feel a little hypocritical to go off on my kid for referring to me in the same way that s/he hears everyone else. I am not criticizing anyone else's preferences for how their children address them, just explaining my own reactions on the issue. 

[whatsnextmom]

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree 

Not sure if you think that I'm saying that any kid who uses "mom and dad" are being required to do so. I get that these are traditional reference terms, used out of habit. As I said upthread, my own kids use variations of "Mom" (and "Dad".  I'm just saying I wouldn't object if they used my first name, probably for the same reasons that I don't object if any other kid called me by it. The OP referred to someone who requires her child to call her "Mom". Having thought about it, personally I would feel a little hypocritical to go off on my kid for referring to me in the same way that s/he hears everyone else. I am not criticizing anyone else's preferences for how their children address them, just explaining my own reactions on the issue. 

No you are right... feeling a little jumpy right now and it's coloring my posts. Gonna go pace offline and wait to pick my baby up from 6th grade camp lol.

[onlyzombiecat]

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree 

If your SIL prefers to be called "Mom" or something like that, then she's entitled to request her children use that term. I don't think she's entitled to criticize anyone else's preferences or choices, including yours, OP. 

I agree with this. Everyone has preferences on what their kids call them but to criticize another family is weird. If you are fine with it I don't think anyone should criticize.

A few years ago my dd decided to start calling me Moun (pronounced moon by her but she insists it is spelled moun). I wouldn't mind her calling me mom but I'm not going to force her to use that word. It does confuse other  people sometimes because she will say to them "Moun did xyz." and they don't know she means me.

I wouldn't really want dd to call me by just my first name because everyone else uses it and I would like her to call me something special even if it is not Mom. I wouldn't force it but I would feel sad if she just called me Kim like everyone else.

[WatersEdge]

Though I didn't know anyone who called their parents by first names when I was growing up, I have met a couple families over the years who do.  I'm pretty easy going about that kind of thing (i.e. not big deal) although it seemed odd at first.  Just because I hadn't seen / heard it before.

And then there's my kids.  They call me Mom or Mommy, but the two youngest call their dad Tom, I'd say about 90% of the time.  I always thought it was because I also have older children from a previous marriage, and they always called him Tom, as I did.  

But ExH also calls his own father Tom (they are Sr. and Jr.).  So maybe it's something to do with that, although Ex is not close with his father and the kids haven't seen them interact very often.  

However, they do know who "Daddy" is, because I would always refer to him that way when speaking to them about him.  And once in a while I will hear them say it, but not often.  I guess I'm the only one who consistently refers to him as Dad, although I definitely don't call him that!   (One set of my grandparents called each other Mommy & Daddy, & it always creeped me out a bit. . . ) I still call him "Daddy" or "your Dad" when I'm talking to the kids about him.  But when I'm addressing him directly, no.  

[mamazee]

This is something my mom used to have fits over. A cousin called my aunt and uncle by their first names, and my mom fumed about it the whole way home.

I don't really care, though. Now, they call me "mama" - even the 10-year-old.

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by mamazee 

This is something my mom used to have fits over. A cousin called my aunt and uncle by their first names, and my mom fumed about it the whole way home.
I don't really care, though. Now, they call me "mama" - even the 10-year-old.

Yeah, my mom was scandalized when my cousin let her kids call her by name.  It was an abandonment of her authority and responsibilities. Her kids grew up to be kind, disciplined, hardworking women. 

My kids call me Mom, though ds has teased dh and me a few times trying to use our names. I love the name Mom, wouldn't miss it. We teach people how to treat us.  I don't see why it's a problem to instruct my kids to call me by the name I prefer.  I have a preference. I'm not injuring them by insisting.

My daughter's name has a shortened version, like Lizzy for Elizabeth.  Almost all of her teachers have started the school year by asking how she wants to be addressed.  Except for a couple of teachers who just forged ahead, didn't bother to ask and insisted on using her full first name.  Not the end of the world, but not respectful of her person, either. 

I figure it's the same for her and me. I want to be called Mom.