Weekly Rambling Chat Jan --Feb 4th! - Page 4 « Back to Group Discussions

[forestmushroom]

Sandy, I totally understand... Sometimes After coming home from work I haven't cooked anything!  My DH loves to cook and is better at it then I am, so he doesn't mind... its how he unwinds.  But there are a couple days per week where I make sure that the kids are at least fed and there is something for the adults.... And I try to keep all the dishes, clean. 

After years of marriage and 4 kids we've finally figured out what we need and what we need from each other.... but it took a lot of effort.  I remember my DH telling me he just didn't know how to clean, etc... So I have to be as specific as possible.  1) pick up toys--here is where they go. Or worst comes to worst, put them in a paper bag/laundry basket to be sorted later. 2) clean dishes, wipe down counters, sweep!  Just pick one of those things.... And it makes a hig difference! 

He is totally awesome now.  He does most cooking, will do dishes, and pretty much takes care of the kitchen.  He doesn't like to do laundry, but if it is sorted will put a load in...

Its too much for one person to do...

oh and I totally know all about the mommy guilt.  It sucks but you have to forgive yourself and just resolve to be better....

[Onemoreontheway]

I don't have time/desire for friends either, Grace. To be honest, anything but online interaction for too long exhausts me. I have hurt a lot of peoples feelings this way and been called a flake but - there is too much to do without adding other peoples needs outside the family in on top of it! I have no shortage of people who want to hang out with me, and who are genuinely good people.

My problem becomes with IRL friends that soon there are play dates, and dinner parties (with special menus, yep) and the stress of hanging out and making sure all the kids are dressed and clean and behaviorally ok at a certain time and blahblahblah...

Then the friends want 'mama outings' which if I am going to get one evening completely 'off' ----I want to spend it in my underware in the confines of my comfy bed watching a movie or reading a good book or crafting.

Thankfully, the kids are older now (7,6 and 4) and I have alienated and or moved far away from all friends and didn't make any new ones in this area. LOL

I just find that with online interaction and homeschooling, attempting home steading, going to college, and my family (my husband and I never get bored with each other) that my need for irl friends is...zero. Its sad, but I think this is just a season in life.

I'm thankful I'm NOT one of those people who needs constant mama outings and friends galore, but I also love people and hate alienating/letting them down.

Anyways..Survive on...and don't feel bad.

[Onemoreontheway]

Sandy, you didn't make me faint but I have to ask - LOL - why are you getting a DTAP now? Titers show no immunity?

Feel better about it all. And...I have to say it -

Being a Stay at home parent is really hard under appreciated work, and I know so is working while pregnant. You two just do the best you can and be patient with the love of your life (and him with you!) and eventually it will be ok. *hugs*

[forestmushroom]

Sandy, I was curious about the DTAP now, too.  After my last baby was born 2 years ago I got that one right after he was born (since there are pertussis outbreaks here all the time). 

Onemoreontheway--I totally hear you on the "mommy" outings.  I have a few friends I like to hang out with, but we don't need to do anything special.. if I am going out it is going to be with my DH!  I don't need to have dates with my friends... hehehe....

[alittlesandy]

OMG, you guys are SO FREAKING AWESOME!!! I can't tell you how much everyone's responses have helped me. I'm especially relieved to hear that others are not able to maintain a social life. I'm actually hopeless at this when I'm at my best! Onemore, I had to laugh at your comment about alienating everyone. That's me! I also agree that online interaction is the most I can handle at this point, and I'm SO GRATEFUL to my friends who understand that.

I'm very grateful that DH is able to be home with DS, and he is a wonderful father. For that I am very lucky. He has just recently agreed to tackle the laundry, which is nice. I am still the one who shops and runs errands (we have one car and I have to drive to work), cleans, cooks, etc. but I LOVE the idea of making a list of simple chores. I especially love the idea of getting ingredients together for simple suppers and leaving them along with directions or a recipe. I think DH can handle that.

Just knowing that there are other people going through this helps a lot.

I haven't had the DTaP since grade school, and am showing no immunity. I have immunity for everything else, including measles, etc. I'm normally not pro-vaccine (we have only done a handful with DS who is 3), but there are pertussis outbreaks here all the time, and most of my friends' kids are not immunized. My lungs suck (the flu almost killed me two years ago) and pertussis would be a disaster. I'm not too worried about it affecting the baby at this point. There are too many other things to worry about.

[cristeen]

Originally Posted by casmer 

DH and I have "had it out" over this before (many, many times).  He really wants to help, but he honestly cannot figure out 1) What needs to be done/the Priorities 2) How to do them.  It took me awhile to come around to this idea because I didn't feel that I had the time to make him a list, I didn't want to make him a list, didn't feel that I should have to make a list, etc, etc.  However, I have noticed that when I make him a list, he gets things done.  Depending on how long the list is, he usually gets everything done.  If I don't write it down...it's likely not going to get done.  If there's a particular way something needs to be done, it has to be written on the list.  My husband's thought-process is on a totally different wave-length than mine, so it really benefits both of us, if I just bite the bullet and make him a list.  Plus, by him asking me to make the list, I feel like it's an honest effort on his part to help.  Just my 2-cents.

See, and I'm your DH in this scenario.  I WISH my DH would make me a list.  I've even asked him to sit down with me to make a regular (cleaning) schedule, and he won't do it.  He just gets ticked because the stuff isn't done (or done to his standards).  I'm glad you guys were able to work it out.

I'm also in survival mode.  And my regular mode, not pg, includes keeping everyone at arm's length.  I have a really hard time asking anyone for help - the other morning DS woke up before dawn for the I dunno how many times in a row, and I was in the bathroom sobbing and trying not to puke (crying makes me puke) at 5 am.  My good friend called a couple hours later and I was still a mess - when she said she'd be over to pick up my DS for the day so I could get some rest, my first reaction was to tell her no.  Thankfully I didn't.  I never actually said "yes" either, but thankfully she didn't wait for one.  She took him from about 9 until after 7, and it was beautiful.  I got to unwind.  I did nothing all day long (well, I read books and slept, but YKWIM).  But other than keeping the LR cleaned up because that's where he spends his mornings with his therapist(s), I've done no housework all week.  And DH is getting ticked about it, even though he realizes I'm exhausted, and we've all been passing this stupid bug back and forth.  Wish there was an easy solution.  But at least we all get commiseration. 

[MeredithA]

Add me to anti-social pregnant mamas club! I completely understand about the play dates and everything...DS keeps getting invited to birthday parties every single weekend and I just don't have the energy for that each week! But then again, his birthday is in a few weeks and I feel like we need to attend all of the parties for his little friends so they will all come to his. I adore my IRL friends, but right now especially, I just don't have the energy they do! 

As for hubbys being helpful  - mine is great with a list also!! Left to his own devices, he will do the most random things to "help" around the house. Today was a perfect example: I woke up late and rushed out the door to work, leaving breakfast dishes in the sink, bed unmade, and a pile of DS's toys on the floor in the living room. DH had the day off work. When I returned, 9 hours later, he proudly announced that he had spackled the tiny holes in the guestroom wall that were left over from when the previous owners had a large picture hanging on the wall. He had carefully filled these (super tiny, barely noticeable) holes with something, sanded the wall, and made plans to paint over it. He also mowed the lawn. Breakfast dishes were still in sink, bed still unmade, and toys still all over the floor. But my sweet DH wanted to help & really felt like he did.  If I had made him a list of the things I wanted him to do, they would have been done. He follows directions like a champ. 

Forrestmushroom, it is awesome that your hubby loves to cook!! How nice!

With regards to DTaP, do many of you mamas get the vaccine yourself but not vax your kids? We don't vax at all anymore - DS1 got all his vaccines, DS2 got his 1st couple rounds and his reactions were bad, i did more research, and we just quit vaxing all together...pertussis does scare me though and I work with a ton of little germy children. I don't plan to vax this new baby, but perhaps getting the DTaP myself would help him with immunity to it? I'd wait to get the vax until I had him though. I am fully vaccinated - got my boosters before starting my undergraduate degree 10 years ago, but haven't gotten any since then. 

[Onemoreontheway]

Meredith - I haven't vaccinated my children, and I have not vaccinated myself since becoming an adult. If I were sending my children to public school, or I worked around children (such as in a school) - I would probably struggle a bit more with a decision not to.

My viewpoint is not that vaccinations are evil in themselves or it is a crunch factor not to, nor is it even that I am afraid of autism (we don't vax and I have a special needs autistic daughter whose special needs showed up around 2...I don't think loading a system with a lot of the vax ingredients is 'good' but I dont think it is the cause of autism either) - I plain don't like the ingredients in the vaccines and refuse on religious grounds. I can't really 'debate' it, nor would I try.

I just feel heavily instructed not to partake in vaccinations.

I respect others rights 100%, just hope my right to not is always respected.

[BubbleMa]

I'm an introvert anyway, but pregnancy has definitely made it worse.  I'm borderline hermit right now.  I'd be perfectly content to sit in the house alone all day long.    I have a bunch stuff to take to the consignment store, but I've avoided doing it because I don't feel like interacting with new people.  When I go to the grocery store, I go to whichever register has a cashier that I know.    I don't have a problem going places where other people are.  I just don't want to have to talk to them.

I'm glad to hear it's somewhat normal though. 

[forestmushroom]

real quick, yes Meredith, getting the DTap for yourself is a good measure to keeping your baby safe from Pertussis.  It takes several rounds of the shot before it is most effective, and in some it is only like 75-85 percent effective (its a weird one).   So getting the bigger people vaccinated can reduce the risk.  None of our friends vaccinate, but a little tiny baby isn't touching stuff (yet) etc... so I figure if I get it it is a potential risk reducer! 

[lightheartedmom]

Add me to the list of anti-social moms as well! I don't have really any friends in the area, which occasionally leaves me really down (like, I could really use a shopping buddy because I need maternity clothes and don't want to go buy them by myself)...but generally these days, I would so much rather just stay home. I am utterly exhausted by social interaction and when I have to go out in public and worry about managing two insanely active kids who will not always behave as they should (they are CHILDREN, after all)...ugh. I'm just not up for it. Between the judging (we're home schooling veering very close to unschooling and people in this city are absolutely NUTS about pressuring their little kids really early about school...i'm just not into it, but there's a lot of static and it's worst from DH's family, who are all local) and the germs (norovirus is raging locally right now...call me crazy but I'd like to avoid it)...it's just too much.
We go to the playground, but try to go when there aren't a lot of kids there...since DH is working from home, he usually babysits one when I go grocery shopping or run errands - I took both of them out yesterday to do my weekly shopping and I swore to DH after that that will NEVER happen again. WAY too much effort for me right now. lol.
It's not that I don't want friends and I definitely want my kids to have friends...I just don't have anyone who's local right now. If we had a house that was more appropriate for having playdates here, I would totally do that - I'd much rather have people over to play in our own space where I don't have to worry about the kids running off or getting into serious trouble. But I don't have that kind of place right now...so we stay home and enjoy our own little world.

Sometimes I am lonely for the company of another grown woman...it would be nice to just sit down with a cup of tea and another mom of like mind who's in the trenches of daily mothering...but I don't make friends easily and I have more unconventional ideas about life/parenting/politics/religion...it's hard to find the "like mind" part. Oh well. I guess I'm just okay with things how they are right now. I used to be on facebook, but I got off almost 2 years ago and don't miss it a bit (my friends are always ranting about various facebook-fueled social dramas and I just...don't have the patience ;-))...and DH is home and he is my bosom friend, even though I refuse to try and impose on him the role of "girlfriend" because he's a guy and there have to be rules.

As for spouses helping...I can't really offer any advice about getting husbands to do housework or cooking...we've always had a pretty clear division of labor that works for us (he works, I do the house stuff) and if I need help, I ask. He'll cook or clean or do whatever when I'm incapacitated, but sometimes I just have to ask and that's hard...especially when our ideas of being a "good mom" are frequently wrapped around doing it all ourselves.

I would just say...if you need help, don't waste your time and emotions wishing he could be a mind reader...they're usually not skilled at that stuff and it's a silly romantic notion to expect that a husband will somehow marry and acquire magical telepathy powers. My whole childhood, I watched my mom resent my dad for not intuitively KNOWING what she wanted him to do and it sucked...It became like a sick, warped game...no fun for the kids to watch and kind of damaging to your kids' concept of relationships. If you know you need help, just ask. Chances are they just don't see things in the same frame you do and they'll be grateful to you for being specific.

.

[cristeen]

Originally Posted by lightheartedmom 

Sometimes I am lonely for the company of another grown woman...it would be nice to just sit down with a cup of tea and another mom of like mind who's in the trenches of daily mothering...but I don't make friends easily and I have more unconventional ideas about life/parenting/politics/religion...it's hard to find the "like mind" part.

I really think we need to get together for a cuppa at some point. 

Originally Posted by lightheartedmom 

As for spouses helping...I can't really offer any advice about getting husbands to do housework or cooking...we've always had a pretty clear division of labor that works for us (he works, I do the house stuff) and if I need help, I ask. He'll cook or clean or do whatever when I'm incapacitated, but sometimes I just have to ask and that's hard...especially when our ideas of being a "good mom" are frequently wrapped around doing it all ourselves.

I think this is where I run into trouble - the asking for help part.  He's willing to help, but if I don't ask he doesn't.  And then he gets mad because stuff isn't getting done, and I get mad because he's not helping.  And it's just bad all the way around.  But I really have a hard time asking, for exactly that reason.  You really nailed it there. 

[MLog]

It is still hard for me to remember not to expect DH to read my mind.  He tells me often that he does not possess this skill and I have to tell him how I'm feeling/what I want.

I love the idea of leaving a list for DH.  Like others said - he's really good at following directions if they're provided.

As for being anti-social, my dad gave me a book a couple of years ago called Simplify Your Life (I think).  It's one of those little coffee table books and is a little dated, but I found it very valuable.  The most profound lesson was on decluttering your life socially.  Basically it said that if you are having to work at a relationship with friends (and even some family) and it is taking more effort than you are getting out of it, just let it go.  Your time and energy are better spent on yourself and your family.  Not that I've been too successful following that, but it helps me feel less guilty about saying no to various outings.  There is definitely a point where you just have to do what works for your family and if people don't understand that then they probably aren't that good of friends anyway and are just cluttering up your life.  That's my two cents!

And on the DTAP... I needed to update my vac for Pertussis last year to visit my nephew in the hospital since there was a huge outbreak at the time.  I was frustrated by the fact that you cannot get Pertussis vac separate from the rest.  It seems so ridiculous and unnecessary!

ETA: I just pulled out the book and leafing through it again am remembering how much I love it!  Some highlights from the section on simplifying your personal life: Just Be Yourself, Trust Your Intuition, If It's Not Working Stop Doing It, Do One Thing at a Time, Just Say No, Learn to Reinterpret the Past, Change Your Expectations.  Probably words we all need to hear and remind ourselves of regularly!

Edited by MLog - 2/3/12 at 7:43pm

[forestmushroom]

Mlog, I like the concept of decluttering the social life... I have friends I see but they're like mom's at my kids' school, and my SIL, and some random friends from college... I love them, but find myself to be a total introvert and given the option of going out and staying at home... I'd rather be at home!  We have play dates, but having them at our house makes me nervous... during the summer we can be outside but during the winter I don't like all the activity in our house...

W were the first of our social group to have kids and our life really changed then, and friends weren't as important... not compared to family and just hanging with DH!

[callieollie]

I got the go ahead from the OB I was seeing that I can stop the progesterone injections for good now!  I'm so excited!  

As for social life, I actually really wish I had more of one!  lol!  My two best friends live in another state and I don't get to see them nearly as much as I want to and we've all been really bad about calling each other on the phone recently so I've been feeling really disconnected from them. I've met a lot of families since we moved here, and we'll occasionally have a girl's night out or something like that, but I don't have anyone here that I think of as a really good friend. No one I could call just to chat or to ask to hang out.  I really miss having friends.  :(  

[MeredithA]

Originally Posted by MLog 

And on the DTAP... I needed to update my vac for Pertussis last year to visit my nephew in the hospital since there was a huge outbreak at the time.  I was frustrated by the fact that you cannot get Pertussis vac separate from the rest.  It seems so ridiculous and unnecessary!

ETA: I just pulled out the book and leafing through it again am remembering how much I love it!  Some highlights from the section on simplifying your personal life: Just Be Yourself, Trust Your Intuition, If It's Not Working Stop Doing It, Do One Thing at a Time, Just Say No, Learn to Reinterpret the Past, Change Your Expectations.  Probably words we all need to hear and remind ourselves of regularly!

That book sounds neat!  I feel the same way about the DTAP--- if I could get pertussis separately, I **might** even get my kids vaxed for that simply because there have been several outbreaks here and it can be so dangerous for a new baby...I just don't understand why on earth they wouldn't offer separated vaccines. 

[KM84]

Have many of you gotten DTap while pregnant before? I was offered it by my GP, but the handout for it said "ask your doctor about this vaccine if you're pregnant," and since she's a GP, not an OB, she said she wasn't super sure what the implications were, so she suggested holding off until the baby is out to get vaccinated. I last got it in 2002, so I'm right at the line of needing it again. Apparently the official literature recommends the TD vaccine instead of TDap for pregnant ladies, but it was just Pertussis my doctor was concerned about.

Also, hi everyone! I've been at Disney World this week. :D We took a BIG family trip down (24 of us!) and after a week of watching a cousin run after her 2 and 4 year old boys, I'm really wondering what I'm getting myself into. When the youngest is screaming at dinner, I hope it's a girl. Then a bunch of teenage girl dance groups descended on the parks, chittering and walking around with their shorts halfway up their butts, and I hope to god its a boy. You only have a two year old for one year - you have a teenager for seven!

Between the resort food and being 26 weeks pregnant, I am HUGE. I feel like they should just put me in the manatee exhibit. I know it's mostly belly, but I'm pretty sure I'm expanding in other places as well. The good news is I've been walking a lot, so even though I negate the calorie burn by eating out every night, at least I'm getting my blood flowing.

We saw an exhibit on hydroponic farming at Disney World, and now I'm obsessed. We took the backstage tour of the greenhouse, and I spent last night researching home systems. My husband thought he was just taking me on a dorky ride to kill time until our FastPass for Soarin' was due. He didn't know he was creating a monster....

[alittlesandy]

Originally Posted by KM84 

after a week of watching a cousin run after her 2 and 4 year old boys, I'm really wondering what I'm getting myself into. When the youngest is screaming at dinner, I hope it's a girl. Then a bunch of teenage girl dance groups descended on the parks, chittering and walking around with their shorts halfway up their butts, and I hope to god its a boy. You only have a two year old for one year - you have a teenager for seven!

Hi KM84! Sounds like a great time! Listen, I want to reassure you that while parenthood IS tiring and stressful, it's somehow much easier when you're the parent than when you're watching other people be parents. I don't know if that makes sense. I was TERRIFIED of the newborn stage and sleep deprivation, because before kids, I had to have like 10 hours of sleep per night (my god, I can't remember the last time I had that much, lol). However, once I was in the middle of it, and DOING it, things weren't so bad. Yes, I was exhausted and sleep-deprived, but the child you are deeply in love with is not the same as an alarm clock. I have always been happy to do things for my son. He cracks me up on a daily basis. He swells my heart with love on a daily basis. It is SO WORTH IT.

And I just want to say, it really chaps my hide that society assumes that boys are worse than girls. Since having my son, I have been AMAZED and how many bratty and ill-behaved girls there are in the world. My son loves to run, jump, climb things, and build things, but he is very well-behaved in public places and restaurants, he is VERY loving and cuddly, and he is sooo smart and funny. I wouldn't trade him for a girl for anything. When I got pregnant again, I had so many people say, "I hope for your sake that it's a girl." This made me so FURIOUS that I secretly hoped I was having a boy. I am having a girl, and I'm thrilled, but not because I'm afraid of two boys or that I think boys are somehow inferior.

Can you tell this is a HUGE pet peeve of mine, lol? Anyway, my rant wasn't directed at you, just at the general assumptions and stereotypes about boys. To anyone wary about having a boy, boys are so freaking awesome. Boys are the best. Raising a boy has been a joy and privilege every day for the past three years.

[Onemoreontheway]

I constantly use to hear "You're lucky you have girls...boys are so much harder!'

Now that the girls are up there in age more I hear about girls and teenage drama and....Can't win for losing.

So I toss out the gender stereotypes and figure I just do the best I can. No it wouldn't be acceptable for my child at any age to wear short shorts nor would it be acceptable for them to play guns, its the same for either sex.

Sandy is very right KM, except I am on the other end with girls.  You are your childs best teacher, if the shorts aren't acceptable (ie) teach your child early respect for her body, modesty, and respect for others. (I would teach a boy the same thing!) kwim? Its actually good to think about (not obsess!) what kind of adult you are wanting to raise - eventually that is the long term goal.

As for hydroponics - AWESOME! lol

we are still in the coop stages but we are debating a hydro or regular green house system. hydro is awesome, BUT the environmental impact (still studying) and in case the grid goes down are the only drawbacks I am debating.

[forestmushroom]

And I wouldn't judge a child's behavior at lunch at DISNEY WORLD.... the kid is probably totally over stimulated!  I would probably want to scream at lunch, too!  LOL

I love my little girl, and my boys.  Each is such an individual, I can't even really make generalizations about boy vs. girl behavior.  All kids are not tiny adults, they are kids!  And they are still changing and growing, so they are going to act differently then adults... boys and girls! 

As far as the DTAP, I personally just waited until my baby was born... but the literature from the CDC does say it is "safe" in the second and third trimesters....