44 years old and pregnant

[fennelseed]

I don't really even know where to begin talking about this. I am 44 and 7-8 weeks pregnant. This took my husband and I by surprise; we kind of feel like it was immaculate conception as we don't even remember having intercourse in the month of December!

I have a 14 year old daughter, and after five miscarriages and the help of an endocrinologist, a son who will turn 3 in March. Our son was our miracle baby. We had been trying for six years to have a second a child. Prometrium seems to be what held him. I am now seeing the same endocrinologist and taking Prometrium again.

My daughter was 9.5 pounds, posterior asynclitic, a home birth turned into a hospital birth turned into a Cesarean. My son was five weeks early, very healthy, and a natural VBAC. But it was a high risk pregnancy, closely managed in the first trimester, with a whole lot of spotting through my second trimester. I was terrified.

There are so many questions about this baby. Will the pregnancy hold (so far so good!)? Should I be concerned about the higher risk of genetic disorder? Will I successfully have another VBAC? Will s/he be early or go to term (my son was 6lbs at 5 weeks early; imagine how huge he would have been had I gone to 40+ weeks!)? Should I plan a homebirth, or stick with the same OB I had a VBAC with? And I'm 44 for goodness sake! How will our three year old handle this? And our 14 year old who is starting high school next year? How will I handle it? My husband?

It has really made me face my mortality like nothing else. I will be 63 when this child graduates from high school! While I feel blessed in so many ways, I also thought I was done having children. I was thrilled with two, with a boy and a girl, with a beautiful,  talented 14 year old and a brilliant, super-high-energy two year old. Will I really have the energy to handle a newborn and a three year old? And will this affect my golden years? Will I leave this earth before meeting my grandchildren?

I know this probably all sounds so annoying, but they are the thoughts that have been going through my head. I cannot sleep tonight because I suddenly became so worried about what we would do with our little boy when I go into labor and possibly have to spend some days in the hospital! I guess my husband might not room in with me this time. . . Unless we have a homebirth. And while I am a huge supporter of homebirth, I have my own personal concerns based on my history.

So I am asking to hear from all sorts of people! Mom's that found themselves pregnant in their mid 40's! Mom's of a surprise #3. Mom's trying for a second VBAC. Mom's who had VBAC homebirths. Prometrium moms! So many things. Are there any good books about middle aged moms?

Please share your stories; I would love to hear them. I feel lonely, not ready to tell people yet, worried a little about the reactions.

And thanks for your patience with this huge post!

[tropicana]

i'm 43, and, while not planning to be pregnant again, i just don't see how this is soooo different or you are suddenly soooo much older than you were three years ago when your son was born. ??

i have a 5 year old and a 2 year old. 

why not take it one day (or one week) at a time and see if 1) the pregnancy lasts (as you say, with your history).

i personally would not "worry" over higher rates of genetic disorders. again, you just had a baby, what 40 months ago? 

as for who can care for your 3 year old while you are giving birth... what about your 14 year old daughter? isn't that prime baby sitting age? 

i know lots of moms who had babies in their late 30s or beyond. my aunt had her third child (while the first two were teens) when she was 46. and this was in 1994!

get prenatal care and keep up your good health. to get pregnant by accident at your age bodes well for the health of your unborn, is my personal opinion. it's obviously good sperm and egg, i think, to take hold with a one shot opportunity.

as for the golden years.... again... if you will be 63 when this one graduates, you will be 60 when your son graduates. by the time you are 60-63, what difference does a few years make?

[fennelseed]

thanks so much for your reality check! it's so true, three years really isn't that different.

but i think i feel really different. physically, i was the heaviest i've ever been upon discovering this pregnancy, and the most low energy. four and a half years later than my last pregnancy, i just feel much older.

my son is a very intense little guy, far more intense than my daughter was, so i think that has been a bit of a struggle. and i think because we were trying for my little boy for so long, the emotional response was so much different when we discovered our pregnancy with him.

please don't get me wrong, i generally have a very positive attitude about this. i didn't mention all the ways i feel this is a blessing, for all of us. the sorts of concerns i posted are what swim through my head when i crawl in bed at night, because all day long i just take things moment by moment. and for the most part, i am taking this one step at a time, with caution. but every once in a while, like tonight, the emotions go into overdrive!

i know i have to let go of the numbers game. i think really it is more about the surprise. that we weren't really planning on a third. but obviously s/he will be a great companion to our boy, and that is  a huge blessing.

my daughter does babysit some, but never overnight. we shall see. she will most likely have begun school when  this one arrives, a new school, public high school after waldorf school, and so she will be experiencing her own major shifts.

i sometimes let my fear of the little details take over. it's a bad habit. thank you for reminding me of the bigger picture.

[Mom31]

Hugs mama... I think I am done with two kids too...and would have major mixed feelings with getting pregnant now...

I think you will be okay.

[mrsteapot]

I know what you mean about how you feel. I'm 43, this one was a surprise to us as well. But he is our 6th, and the last one I was 40 with. There really is a difference. My energy is very low, and I really "feel" the discomforts a lot more than I did with dd2. I agree with stopping the math. I had to tell my DH to stop doing the math (he had figured out all of it, how many years we will have had kids in the house, how old we will both be, odds of having grandkids before our kids are all out of the house... yeah, NO MORE MATH)

But there is a up side as well. No one thinks we are as old as we are, we have ds 24, ds 16 (almost 17), ds 11, dd 5, dd 2, we get people falling over when they find out about our oldest as he doesn't live with us, when he is with us people don't think he is our son, but a brother or something. So kids keep you young! :) 

We are all getting excited to meet this latest one, but in the beginning it was really hard to wrap our brains around. So I'd say just go ahead and know that your feelings are just that, feelings, they will change. Don't ignore them, but know that there is an adjustment period. We waited a long time to share our news, there was an infant loss in our family right about the time I was feeling safe to tell, so that was very hard to deal with. And we had lots of screenings early on, everything looks good, but we figured it would be good to know any issues we may have had coming our way so we could be prepared.

Oh and CONGRATULATIONS!!! :)

[fennelseed]

i am miscarrying, so that answers that. it's been quite the emotional spin, from shock to commitment to loss. i guess it's always that way though. i have a lot of sad feelings about my doubts. goodbye sweet little soul.

[mrsteapot]

I'm so sorry. 

[tropicana]

i'm sorry to read of your loss, fennelseed.

be gentle with yourself...

[Mom31]

So sorry for your loss- all of your feelings are very normal.

[butterfly_mommy]

I am so sorry for your loss. I also miscarried a pregnancy I wasn't ready for and had lots of mixed emotions in the loss 

[Onemoreontheway]

I'm sorry, dear. <3