SIL blowing me off--haven't seen my nephews since last summer

[cinnamongrrl]

I don't know what to do so I figured I'd ask a bunch of other moms. :) My SIL, married to my brother, lives 20 minutes away and has just sort of...dropped out of my life over the past six months. The last time I saw her and my nephews was last August. SIL and I didn't have a fight, and as far as I know I did nothing to offend her. She stopped calling as frequently, then started texting instead of calling, then just fell off the radar. I felt like I was being slowly dumped, after a 10 year relationship in which we were pretty close. At first, I figured she was just busy with back to school stuff and she doesn't work but she  volunteers a ton with her kids' schools so I assumed she was busy.

The holidays came and went in December with no word from SIL. I had texted her asking what the boys wanted for Xmas and trying to make plans for a family get-together. Nothing. I never saw them and never got a phone call. I wondered if things were okay, were they having problems, why I wasn't hearing a darn thing from my family.

A couple of weeks ago, my SIL posted pictures of my younger nephew's birthday dinner on Facebook. I felt really hurt that clearly their lives seem to be going fine but I'm just being ignored. So hurt that I unfriended her and my brother because I couldn't bear to see their family photos and wonder why I and my two daughters have been dropped from their lives, without explanation.

A few days ago, SIL sent me a friend request on Facebook and this morning I logged in to accept it, only to find that she deleted it.

My SIL can be self-centered in some ways, like cancelling plans with me at the last minute because she's decided to get her hair done, or getting annoyed when I don't want to babysit her sons because she's going out for dinner and put off getting a babysitter til the last minute. She also has a tendency to borrow things from me (a new cookbook, my luggage) and not return them, ever. When I've asked for things back, she acts as if I'm being a jerk. So I've accepted that SIL isn't the most reliable or sensitive person sometimes, and take her as she is.

I feel like she should make the first step toward contacting me (which she did with the friend request, but then she deleted it). I'd like to see my family, but after being ignored for six months, I don't really feel like calling her and leaving yet another message when she doesn't call back. Advice?

[IsaFrench]

I would have thought that you could maybe contact your brother first ? .... but I don't know how you stand with your siblings .....

[jeteaa]

Unless she is VERY busy, I would assume something is up. Do you feel that you are the kind of person your SIL gets along with? could your dc be in any way not the best influences on her dc? I only ask because sometime being "related" to a person is just not enough to really want them to be an active part of in their life. 

[cinnamongrrl]

My brother and I don't call each other--not because we don't get along, but that's just how we are. As far as our kids not getting along, the only problem we've had is my 13 year old niece occassionally complains about my 12 year old daughter. They are in 7th grade at the same school but don't have any classes together so they don't really interact there. My niece has some social problems and a tendency to complain about things and be depressed. My SIL has complained a few times in the past about my 12 yo but since the girls rarely interact at school and get along fine at family events, I don't really see the need to intervene with the she-said, she-said middle school kid stuff. My niece has accused my daughter of "stealing her friends" if she talks to them or sits with them at lunch. My daughter has lots of friends and is a happy kid, so I don't really think she is doing anything.

[tropicana]

what should you do? 

call her on the phone and ask her if you can stop by. and talk. in person. 

it sounds to me like BOTH you and the SIL are being a little to sensitive. but i can't say for sure.

only to say what's for sure -- you will know where you stand AND how to fix things a whole lot better when you communicate IN PERSON and can look that person in the eyes. texting, facebook, even voicemails are insufficient in situations like this. 

she/they are FAMILY. you simply must make the move to reinstate things, especially since they live so close by... and the cousins are in the same grade at the same school.

otherwise this thing turns into a "silent war" with hurt feelings all around.

be the bigger person here and see if you can't figure out how to fix things.

[Homebirth_Mom216]

Originally Posted by tropicana 

what should you do? 

call her on the phone and ask her if you can stop by. and talk. in person. 

it sounds to me like BOTH you and the SIL are being a little to sensitive. but i can't say for sure.

only to say what's for sure -- you will know where you stand AND how to fix things a whole lot better when you communicate IN PERSON and can look that person in the eyes. texting, facebook, even voicemails are insufficient in situations like this. 

she/they are FAMILY. you simply must make the move to reinstate things, especially since they live so close by... and the cousins are in the same grade at the same school.

otherwise this thing turns into a "silent war" with hurt feelings all around.

be the bigger person here and see if you can't figure out how to fix things.

Yeah.  Maybe she thinks you're ignoring her, too?  You never know.  Just don't be silly about it and keep yourself wondering.  Instead just go talk to her.
 

[cinnamongrrl]

Thank you for the advice, PPs! I did actually email my SIL about a month ago, asking if I'd offended her in some way because I hadn't heard from her. I didn't call her because she never answers her phone.

I feel the same way as Tropicana: you don't just drop your family. I do remember one summer a couple years ago, I barely heard from SIL. That fall, she told me she'd been having marriage problems with my brother and that's why she was acting distant. So it's happened before, but never for so long. And it makes me sad that our kids don't see each other, that we don't do family stuff with them.

[Homebirth_Mom216]

Originally Posted by cinnamongrrl 

Thank you for the advice, PPs! I did actually email my SIL about a month ago, asking if I'd offended her in some way because I hadn't heard from her. I didn't call her because she never answers her phone.

I feel the same way as Tropicana: you don't just drop your family. I do remember one summer a couple years ago, I barely heard from SIL. That fall, she told me she'd been having marriage problems with my brother and that's why she was acting distant. So it's happened before, but never for so long. And it makes me sad that our kids don't see each other, that we don't do family stuff with them.

That stinks.  And you didn't hear back from her about your email?  Maybe the same thing is going on again then It still might be worth stopping by to talk in person and at least offering an ear to hear what's going on.  Otherwise maybe it might be worth breaking your "my brother and I don't talk" tradition and calling him up? 

[MommyofNRM]

Originally Posted by Homebirth_Mom216 

That stinks.  And you didn't hear back from her about your email?  Maybe the same thing is going on again then It still might be worth stopping by to talk in person and at least offering an ear to hear what's going on.  Otherwise maybe it might be worth breaking your "my brother and I don't talk" tradition and calling him up? 

Agreed. I would call my brother and ask what's going on. That sounds like crappy situation. Hope you get it straightened out and get to see your nephews soon.