Hoping someone can help me

[kindacrunchy1]

We have a 5 year old (well on the 8th, we will). He was born with Arthrogryposis (essentially, stiff joints and weak muscles). Cognitively, he is not affected (all the EI testing showed that he was ahead of his peers in language and cognitive ability) He recently had surgery for his legs, in order for him to stand and walk. We are doing great recovering, but having major behavior issues. Keep in mind, these started before all the surgery, etc. He will yell at us, I mean to the point that I think the neighbors are going to call CPS. He hits us (which I will admit, my DH and I have both popped his hands or bottom)---out of sheer frustration :( He will back talk us to no end (even when we ask him to stop, telling him he's going to lose something, etc.) It has gotten completely out of hand. I used to be really good at gentle discipline (DH, not so much, but I usually handled all of it). But I am just at my wit's end, seriously I cry about how out of hand all of us have gotten....please help!

[SpottedFoxx]

{{{hugs}}}  How frustrating for all of you.  We had behavioral issues with our son when he was about 2.5 years old.  We just didn't know how to parent him effectively.  My husband is all about being his "friend" so useless in discipline so I'd be hyper vigilant to make up for it. Made for a very unhappy household.

We were referred to a behavioral therapist.  He specializes in, well, teaching parents how to parent their child.  He has made a world of difference.  On our first visit he told us "most parents parent by the seat of their pants.  That's because that's how their parents parented them, and their parents parented them and so on.  This works for about 65% of the population.  It rarely works in the special needs population."

You and your husband need help.  You need to learn to effectively parent your son.  Your son needs to learn how to express his pain and frustration effectively.  If you happen to be in the South Jersey area, I'd be happy to share our therapist's name.  If not, this is a wonderful resource to help you find a therapist... http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php

[kindacrunchy1]

Thank you! We actually have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Monday, that our developmental pediatrician wanted us to see....praying it helps and we get some answers....thanks again

[Mom31]

My son has similar behavioural issues and is 8. I hope you find help from the psychiatrist...

[kindacrunchy1]

Thanks!

[SpottedFoxx]

Only issue I have with psychiatrist (don't get me wrong - seeing mind tonight! LOL) is that they often go straight to medication and rarely do they actually do therapy.  

[Mom31]

That is exactly what I was going to say.... please get him hooked up with a child counselor too.

[kindacrunchy1]

So we saw the doctor yesterday (sorry I had it wrong, it was a psychologist) and she had some great ideas and said ABSOLUTELY when I told her I didn't want to medicate! She suggested 1-2-3 Magic to handle behaviors and we have stared it and it seems to be working pretty well! Any one use this system?

[SpottedFoxx]

I use pieces of 123 Magic.  Also check out the book "Parenting with Love & Logic".  Again, I take pieces of that too.  I have yet to find a parenting book that is 100% spot on but there are definite things I love about both of these books.

One thing I've done with the 123 Magic is not make it just about my son.  We try not to frame a time out as "punishment" but rather "you are going over the top into the deep end and need some time to regroup".   There have been times where Mommy gets so caught up in everything I yell "that's it!  Mommy needs a time out!" and I will sit on the time out step.  My son's teacher told me that once she gave him a choice to sit in the quiet chair or go back to playing.  He thought about it and choose the chair.  She thought it as great (as did we).

Love & Logic is tough to learn.  It's about giving your child choices.  However, the hard part is giving them choices that YOU can live with.  I'm glad you were able to get some positive feedback from the doc.  Keep going.  It's a process and there is much more to learn.