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Queer Conceptions February 2012 - Page 13

post #241 of 360

Sorry for the wall of words. Skip over, it probably doesn't concern you.

If you want to know about the flip side of working with a lovely, kind, available know donor, then read on.



Well, I have news.

It's very complicated and confused but the core is that our lovely friend and known donor is not who he said he was.

We won't be proceeding with this any further.


Yesterday evening instead of having a productive conversation with S about how the two of them can better communicate with each other he ambushed her and told her he wouldn't donate to us anymore. This shocker was followed by an ugly tirade that blamed just about everyone in his life for making his life just 'unbearable', calling us 'soul eaters who suck the life out of him' and that he was not willing to have such 'toxic' people in his life. That this thing is just out of control taking up his every waking minute and preventing him from living his 'real' life and that it was slowly killing him.


Uhm, what?


This is the direct opposite of what he has been saying for the past 5 months.

Last insem he told us again how happy he was that it was insemination week again, that it always gave him such a happy glow. 'I hope this is always this much fun! I really love you guys!'

He blames his parents and family for not supporting him (they do, they're awesome! And really excited about this. They voiced some concerns at the start in the form of 'have you thought about what would happen if...' which he didn't like and has been angry with them ever since)

He accuses us of taking up every waking hour of his day and not allowing him to have a life away from this. ??? We require his services 3 days a month for maybe half an hour in the evening after work. He calls us once he gets home has had his dinner and a shower, and I drive over there to pick up his donation. After that he gets on with his evening. Around CD1 (once we know the previous month's attempt didn't work) I call or text him to let him know and to give him an idea of when S might next ovulate. We also try to meet up some time that week to check in with each other, see how everyone is doing and what -if anything- we want to change the following month. In total I think that adds up to about 4 hours of his time each month. We've kept the whole thing super casual and relaxed to make it as enjoyable and stress free for everyone involved. In actual fact we've all had a lot of fun, laughed a lot, had nice dinners and brunches together... sometimes he calls me, for a chat, or texts me about something... I get funny emails about things that happen at work...

I could go on, but it just gets weirder and further removed.


In all the many, very open and amazing conversations we've had over the months he's never mentioned or even hinted at any of this. There was no subtext, no undercurrent. And i was really listening.

My first impression was that he's deliberately lied to us all this time, telling us everything was fine and he was happy when in fact he was stressed and upset all along.


Having slept on it I now think what he was telling us all that time was true (and it really feels true) and over the past week he's had a kind of emotional break down related to many other things in his life.

He's a pretty intense, super-high-energy person. He throws himself into things with a passion and conviction that's amazing to witness. He almost hums with electricity. He works 40 hours a week, plays in 2 bands and rehearses with them on Tuesdays and Thursday evenings. Wednesdays he hosts a show at a local music venue. Fridays he often has gigs. Weekends he either works extra shifts or has music gigs or is otherwise busy. He also has a girlfriend (who is amazing and totally supportive of this).  I think he's burned himself out with all this stuff and now has come crashing down and is looking for something to blame.


I could get past all that and say 'look, you just need some time. Take a month off, chill out, think about things and we'll talk again in April or May.'

Except that I can't shake the feeling that this is his thing. His pattern. 


He was a little musical jazz genius in high school and was offered scholarships to various music schools. He went, and decided it wasn't right for him after 8 months. He described it to me as 'those music teachers were just sucking out my soul. I couldn't devote my energy to feed them'. Changed courses to go to another University, and came back to his parents place, sinking into a deep depression for 6 months, sleeping 14 hours a day, not eating, etc. 

A year later he got married, after 4 months of dating. They divorced, which he described as 'she had her sucking tentacles in every aspect of my soul and I had to rebuild everything from zero. It was worth it to get that toxicity out of my life.' He then decided to go to law school, threw himself into that, was accepted to a great school in the UK and didn't go. 'what they were asking was just too much. i wanted to do this for myself, not pour my energy into filling some one else's agenda' The last 2 years he's been in another 'soul sucking, toxic' relationship (it was very ugly) which ended in August and he then approached S with his offer of donating sperm to us.

he threw himself into this with a conviction and energy that I questioned at first but then accepted as just his way of living life to the full.


When i heard him describing us as 'soul eaters' who were 'draining his life away' and that he couldn't have this 'toxic energy' in his life i nearly fell off my chair. It was like a little chain of twinkling lights came on, linking back to all the times he'd used those words to describe the bad things that had happened or been done to him. Knowing the details about this current 'toxic' event in his life, I'm thinking all those other 'soul suckers' were people like us, who got the blame when his 6 month energy rush runs out and gets sucked down the drain in a swirling vortex.


Yesterday i was pissed.

Pissed for being lied to and pissed that he ambushed S after work and told her this news in the car, at the side of the road. She was heartbroken and totally distraught and then had to drive home, trying to see through tears and tell me. You don't do shit like that to friends.

After speaking to him (I asked him to come over and speak to me in person. We talked for about 2 hours) i felt strangely calm and a lot lighter.

I feel like we've had the luckiest of escapes. It really frightens me to think that our last attempt could have worked and we'd now be trapped in this- because this would have happened anyway. This was always going to happen. His mother tried to warn me, even, but I didn't get it at the time. She brought it up a couple of times saying things like 'i hope you know what you're getting into' and 'you think you can handle all his energy'. She used words like 'volatile' and 'uncontrolled'. Damn, I need to call that lady and thank her for trying. 


I couldn't describe it better myself, really. He's like one of those super bouncy rubber balls. You throw it into a room and it ricochets off the ceiling, floor, walls, lampshades- out of control, kinetic energy. He can't steer it or manage it until finally the energy runs out and he disappears into depression and panic mode, shutting down, cutting ties, breaking promises and commitments and blaming everyone within reach. He's super fun to be around, smart, loving and all-round awesome to know... until he apparently flips over to the dark side.


And the horrid thing is that the cycle is starting again already- i can see it!

He wants to 'devote 120% to my girlfriend, she deserves everything I have to give and I want to devote myself entirely to her happiness'. Uh-oh. If you have a job, 2 bands, family commitments, gigs and whatever else, you don't have 120% to give. You have maybe 5%. She's lovely and smart and amazing. And in 6 months she'll be the 'soul sucker toxifying' his life. greensad.gif

Now I want to call her and warn her. Maybe then they have a chance if she knows where the land mines are buried.


So, after all that, I feel overwhelming relief.

I feel grateful for my calm, mindful, straightforward wife who steers a steady course and brings so much happiness into my life.

I feel lucky that we dodged a bullet and narrowly avoided bringing this volatility and unpredictability into our marriage and into our family. I keep sighing in relief even as I type this! smile.gif

Like we just sidestepped a whole bunch of crazy that would have affected us for maybe the rest of our children's lives.  Phooooooooooooooaaa.....


So, there you have it.

The flipside of working with a wonderful, kind, articulate, compassionate known donor.

We knew the risks going in, we did the work, had all the conversations. We did everything we thought we could do.

And we got really, really lucky.


Not sure what's next for us.

Just take my off the list completely, nosreves. We will be back, but at this point i don't know when or how. Surprisingly this experience hasn't put me off using a known donor again, but I think S is going to feel differently about that. smile.gif


I also wanted to thank you all for your kindness and encouragement. You ladies are awesome and I wish you all the luck and happiness in your pursuit of this goal!


I guess sometimes the mountain you think you're climbing turns out to be a volcano.







post #242 of 360
Oh no, Anna! I am so happy though you are finding this out now before it is too late--think how complicated it could have gotten!! I hope you are back soon--you (and your quirky posts) will be missed!!

wishin--nice to see you back again!!!
post #243 of 360

Oh, Anna. I'm so sorry to hear about that. It sounds like such a nightmare but you're right, what a great stroke of luck that the fallout happened now and not when there was a tiny person who would be affected. dizzy.gif  My thoughts are with you & S during this. We hope to see you again soon, I love reading your long posts. 

post #244 of 360

Carmen - I'm glad the acupuncture brought you some relief. There is some kind of magic in those tiny needles. FX that things happen as quickly and easily as possible for you. 



Lisedea-  Do you have plans for other things you're going to do differently this cycle if you can't switch to medications? I guess we'll wait and see what your FS says. 



Krista - you are such a vault of knowledge. 


Wishin&Hopin - your new clinic sounds great! Glad you had options to shop around, because that first clinic sounds nightmarish. How do those places stay in business?  I had no idea that clomid could aggravate depression and anxiety. I thought it just made you a little ill-tempered. That's good to keep in mind... 




AFM ... thumb twiddling. 1dpo. 

post #245 of 360

thanks ladies.


we're surprisingly unscathed.


Just popped back in to link to this, actually:



Brand new FDA approved home sperm testing kits.

Get em now from Walgreens!

post #246 of 360
Thread Starter 

anna -- i am sooo sorry that things turned out this way, but i think you really did dodge a bullet.  it sounds like he might be bipolar.  in any case, i'm glad you found out now.  are you sure you don't want me to just move you to "taking a break/figuring things out" instead of deleting your name completely? it would be sad to see your name vanish :(    sending huge hugs to you and your DP.  



post #247 of 360

Anna- I am so glad you and S really doged this bullet! I hope you are back soon and then don't stay long. winky.gif You (and your delightful humor) will be greatly missed. Let us know when you figure out the new plan!


Carmen- A 21 day cleanse sounds intense but good. I hope things get moving on the right track for you soon and as easy as possible.



post #248 of 360

Anna: I am sooooooooo sorry you're going through this. That's awful. I hope you find someone else (or a bank you like) soon.


Mama: Congrats! joy.gif If I got a BFP and called my OB and she couldn't see me for over a month, I'd find another doctor. Or a midwife. I know Krista said that's normal, but it's waaaayyy too long in my opinion. One of the nearby midwives will even meet with you for preconception check-ups/etc, and when you catch, she wants to see you right away.


Wishing:  I'm glad the new clinic is working out for you! The last thing you need is a homophobic RE! Most clinics do a psych eval? Our RE just met with us and discussed our plans, prospects, etc.


Mrs:  Good luck!


AFM: No cramps since Tuesday. The RE (the nurse really) said not too worry about it; it was probably hormonal (I've had so many drugs this month) and a lot of women have some spotting between cycles. She also said that it could have been implantation cramping even though it was a bit early, but cautioned me not to test until next week because of the trigger shot. Not that I was going to anyway. She did say that if the cramping and/or spotting happened again, to call back and they would probably have me come in.


post #249 of 360

rs11--The three different places we've been have all required psych evaluations.

Anna--wow, sounds like your former donor's breakdown may be a huge gift to you...

Mama--most OB/GYNs don't actually see pregnant patients until weeks 8/9 and will just tell you to keep taking your prenatal vitamins.  The only reason we ever saw anyone before 8/9 weeks was because we worked with a fertility clinic and they offered early ultrasound (6 weeks) as part of their protocol for early pregnancy.  When we moved from RE to OB our first visit was 9 weeks.  


Question--for those of you doing monitored cycles, do your clinics require a CD1 transvaginal ultrasound?  This is the only part of the protocol we aren't thrilled with...Did any of you find that the CD1 ultrasound was actually helpful?



post #250 of 360
13dpo. My temp this morning went up again a little bit so I decided to take an internet cheapie. I swear I saw something on it (totally exciting even it was an evap or something because I am so used to the stark, white space) and D said that there *might* be something there. BUT...followed it up with a digital and clearly said "not pregnant". Ah well...AF is still not here (although not considered late yet) so I will wait and see what the rest of today and tomorrow brings. I must say, I won't be completely heartbroken if not pregnant this cycle because I love Mr. Feburary (my bank's featured donor of the month). Sara (f you are reading this), I almost love him as much as I loved Mr. March from last year! smile.gif
post #251 of 360

Lise, I'm keeping my FX for you!! Mr. February! Hahahaha! Love it!


Hopin' My clinic did a CD3 ultrasound (when AF is nice and heavy irked.gif), but not a CD1 ultrasound.  Here's a snippet on the why of the CD3 ultrasound:


Q: Why do I need a scan on day 3 of my period while I am still bleeding?
A: Transvaginal ultrasound is a very important tool for the reproductive endocrinologist in assessing ovarian reserve and in evaluating the uterus. Day 2 or 3 of the menstrual cycle is the best time to evaluate the ovarian reserve by counting the number of resting antral follicles in each ovary (a method to assess egg quantity), and the endometrial lining thickness that should be ideally no more than 3-5 mm. If the lining is thicker, it may suggest an intracavitary lesion such as a polyp and thus require further evaluation.


I imagine there's a similar reason for doing it on CD1, and that it's just part of their overall monitoring. I hope this helps!


Anna, what a pain in the butt for you guys! I hope you're back in the game soon!


Mama CONGRATS! carrot.gifbroc1.gif


Good luck to everyone in the TWW! I'm hoping for some more BFPs soon!



post #252 of 360

Wishin: CD3 (or CD1) ultrasounds are extremely helpful. This is really where the foundation for fertility is laid. Forgive me if I'm not up-to-speed as to what you mean by "monitored" (meaning, I don't really know what your plan is for this cycle) but knowing what your resting follie count is (also known as antral follicle count) is very important. That gives them an idea of how many eggs you could possibly develop or how many eggs they need to mature if you're using stim meds. This is why they also call it a baseline u/s.


But perhaps you knew all this and you were just asking why a CD1 ultrasound instead of a CD3. It doesn't much matter whether they do it CD1, CD2 or CD3. It just needs to be in the beginning of your cycle. They also will see if there are any cysts that developed in your last cycle and have not resolved themselves. They won't stim you if you have a cyst because stims can only make a cyst worse.


Hope that helps.



post #253 of 360

Oh, Anna. I'm sorry :( I have to ask...did you know this guy for very long? It seems like a total 360...and that just sucks. I hope you'll be back soon. Please keep in touch!

rs: Good to hear the cramping is gone. Let's hope the cramping was a good thing.

Mama: Congratulations!


lise: Hmmm That sounds interesting!! The digitals are not as sensitive as the internet ones as far as I know...so who knows!! Keep us updated!



Afm: Nothing exciting going on! 2 more days and I'm going to fill the prescription if nothing happens. That process is really scaring me but the risk of infection is scaring me even more. If I do have to take it I'm going to hope it works fast so I don't have to miss the big annual oscar party on Sunday that we go to every year. The theme this year is "glamorous old hollywood" and I'm going with a Marlena Dietrich look :)

Edited by carmen358 - 2/23/12 at 9:24am
post #254 of 360
Originally Posted by kgulbransen View Post

Wishin: CD3 (or CD1) ultrasounds are extremely helpful. This is really where the foundation for fertility is laid. Forgive me if I'm not up-to-speed as to what you mean by "monitored" (meaning, I don't really know what your plan is for this cycle) but knowing what your resting follie count is (also known as antral follicle count) is very important. That gives them an idea of how many eggs you could possibly develop or how many eggs they need to mature if you're using stim meds. This is why they also call it a baseline u/s.


But perhaps you knew all this and you were just asking why a CD1 ultrasound instead of a CD3. It doesn't much matter whether they do it CD1, CD2 or CD3. It just needs to be in the beginning of your cycle. They also will see if there are any cysts that developed in your last cycle and have not resolved themselves. They won't stim you if you have a cyst because stims can only make a cyst worse.


Hope that helps.



Hmmm... I had a small cyst and they still stimmed me.  Maybe it depends on the size?


post #255 of 360

wishin&hopin - my clinic does a cd3 ultrasound for the same reasons dandylez and krista mentioned. my nurses have mentioned several times that they won't stim if there is a cyst, but i think for some people it would depend on the size of the cyst; one nurse told me the ovary can twist away from the fallopian tubes if they stim with a cyst. so cd3 is a baseline to see what the next cycle looks like.


rs - i'm glad your cramps are gone. what dpo are you on now?



lise - that's a good sign! my fingers are crossed for you! there can be false negative tests. this is why we have to pee on so many of them. 


carmen - sorry to hear nothing else has happened yet. does your acupuncturist do herbs too? your oscar look sounds awesome. 



afm... 2 dpo is about as boring as waiting to O. i'm so hungry all the time! that's it. 

post #256 of 360

Anna--sounds awful--but also agree that you may have dodged a bullet there


lisedea--fingers crossed for you bigtime!


mrsandmrs--I remember being starving almost immediately (but memories are rosier than the actual TWW I think)


AFM--For the first morning ever DD did not ask to nurse when she woke up (so I went 16hours between feedings).  I am doing the "don't offer, don't refuse" weaning.  I still feel a little conflicted about it, but called my mom and she said that she weaned me at about 12m in order to regain fertility, so I don't feel too bad about it.  Since our RE is willing to let us try with out clomid before the end of breastfeeding, I have been peeing on OPKs 2x a day, but only seeing a faint line.  I think I may have missed the peak last month, but I also don't 'feel fertile' right now.  RE wants to do an u/s if I can pinpoint the peak, but it seems that I might miss it again...

post #257 of 360

Good luck to those in the TWWfingersx.gifdust.gif



Hi everyone! we haven't been around in a while and now we are back and ready for the 3rd attempt. We have a new donor since the previous one refused to get an up to date semen analysis. We are looking forward to our 1st insem with our new KD next weekend

post #258 of 360

Annagreensad.gifsorry to hear about your situation we hope you and dp will be back in action soon enough

post #259 of 360

CONGRATS TO THE BFP'S i missed!!!jumpers.gif



post #260 of 360
Originally Posted by dandylez View Post

Hmmm... I had a small cyst and they still stimmed me.  Maybe it depends on the size?


Dandy: most definitely. Around 14 is the cutoff although each clinic can be different. Thanks for noting.


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