My son is 13 months old and I am in a whirlwind of doubt, sadness, frustration, and confusion. After night weaning a few months ago from lack of sleep and a shoulder injury I'm still healing from because of the position I was required to be in to nurse him ALLLLL FREAKING NIGHT LONG I have resorted to crying it out.......
I tried everything (and here comes the doubt cause I really don't know if I believe I tried everything).
At first The CIO was horrible. We lived in a one room studio so I would literally lay there under the blanket as still as possible and listen to my baby wail 3 feet from me for 20 min to 30 min. Then I became detached because I would end up sobbing too and then he would feed off of that and scream louder. Once I tried the CIO I didn't know how to stop cause I was told I would confuse him if I did anything different at this point.
Presently I nurse him for as long my back can stand (I'm currently transient so I do not have a rocking chair.) or my shoulder if I side nurse. He will be nearly asleep but JUST WILL NOT GO totally asleep. I will nurse him for over an hour sometimes till I finally give up and give him a kiss tell him I love him, Put him in the pack n play and walk out of the room (were at my parents house atm) he cries for two minutes tops and goes to sleep. He sleeps mostly through the night. We both get a good nights sleep and he seems to be a very happy baby in the morning.
And here I am doubting myself. Wondering if some of the new aggressions and crankiness during the day is due to what I chose to do. I'm reading articles against CIO and am in tears at the accusations of how bad a mother I am.
How can I heal this. How can I change patterns?
I don't agree with some of the methods that keep parents and babies frustrated for HOURS every night for YEARS purely to avoid CIO but am scared that I'm truly screwing up my kid. I dont let him scream to oblivion but he has definitely figured out that I'm not going to do whole circus acts for hours trying to get him to sleep.
There are so many parents with so many different views. One of my friends who is very in line with my natural parenting style did a variation of CIO and is confident that her child is fine. And she seems fine! Normal. (whatever that is). I'm bogged with trying to pay attention to my own intuition and listening to the experts and the parents who have experience. At the same time.... I need advice. I love my baby and want the best for him but worry I'm not reaching deep down to give my all.
Thanks for reading my vent/rant and thanks for any opinions or words of support.