Help me stand up for myself to In-laws!!

[sere234]

Okay, I'm in serious need of a pep talk.

Over the holidays, my ILs and SILs did and said some pretty spiteful things about DH and I behind our backs and on Facebook. On FB!! For everyone to see!!  DH and I didn't want to make a big deal out of it because really, the reason it all happened WASN'T a big deal. We hoped it would blow over. It didn't and things were a bit icky so DH confronted them all in a very well written and nice email.

He got everything out. Good for him, he's over it.  

I'm not. Oh so totally not.  Whenever I am doing something quiet (painting, washing dishes, etc) I brood on it, dwell on what they said and did. I don't want to see them anymore, I want to do mean things to them.  I even think of witty and evil things to say to them, lol. BTW, I asked for advice about some of the issue here and ranted about it here. Yeah, I'm still so not over it....

I've decided I need to confront them but I'm a total wimp. Or really, a super nice person. Someone who doesn't want to make others uncomfortable. Heaven forbid I tell them what I think because then things would get awkward. Urrg!!!! All I want to do is stand up for myself! Nicely of course. I want to tell them my point of view and let them know how hurt I was that they, supposedly my family, treated me the way they did. I feel I owe it to them so they could understand why I was so stiff and quiet the last time we were around them.

Anyone BTDT? Give me a pep talk!! I need to know how to bring this up at a dinner with them on Saturday. I need courage. Otherwise I won't say anything and I'll keep it all inside and remain angry FOREVER!!! Not something I want. 

[jeteaa]

I often dwell on my issues with my MIL while doing the dishes, thus I hate doing the dishes. I guess it depends on the issues your IL's are having with you. With my MIL it was that she went through a really rough "empty nest" period and because my dh was her first child to get married (at 26 yrs old) so not a baby.... her life situation was all MY fault. When I did confront her it did not do any good at all. She simply sees the world though her own warped lens and she can not see my point of view. Some people just don't/can't change. So needless to say, we don;t see much of her and she lives in the same town as us. I do wish you good luck it talking with you IL's. But don't expect them to change. 

[JollyGG]

Honestly I never find that confronting the person every really helps me. Yes, in my mind, it would feel great to get all those responses and thoughts out for the person to see how I feel. In real life I'm never as articulate as I want to be, they never seem to understand the point I'm trying to make. Usually, nothing changes or it gets worse.

I know not real helpful am I.

I also tend to brood and dwell without an outlet.

I'm Catholic so I pray for them. When I start the prayer sounds like "Lord please bless and watch over ____.... because we all know they need all the help they can get....deep breath.... no... you know my issues and their issues and are all knowings so please bless them with what they need..... after all, maybe you know why she's a spiteful witch.... deep breath....no....please give them whatever they need as they are your children... especially if what they need is that giant stick pulled out of their butt.... deep breath ...no.. oh Lord just bless them"

But I just keep trying to make the prayer about sending them love and blessings and I keep at it every single time I have thoughts about that person. Over time the prayer gets easier. Eventually the relationship gets easier. It's probably never completely healed and not the same. But I find I can move on and have a relationship with that person.

If you are at all religious I'd urge you to give it a try. If not I'd urge you to try to just send them positive energies and well wishes. It's hard. But it does change our thinking and help us get out of the pattern of dwelling and thinking about the hurt.

Edited by JollyGG - 2/2/12 at 2:16pm

[DoubleDouble]

Originally Posted by sere234 

I feel I owe it to them so they could understand why I was so stiff and quiet the last time we were around them.

I do not think they will understand and most probably they will not care one bit. From what I've read in the posts you linked, there's no getting through to them.

You know that old joke: "Never wrestle with a pig — you get mud all over yourself and the pig really enjoys it."

Also, let your husband deal with them. It would be an unpleasant surprise if he turns around on you because you "disrespected them" or "didn't treat them well" or whatever. He can be indignant and fuming mad and all on your side in private, but when you are with them face-to-face, things can change and you might be very disappointed.

[sere234]

Hmmm, you all raise a very good point. I never considered it that way!

I guess I'm thinking about it all in context with my relationship with my family and mostly with my DH. Whenever we're bothered by something, we generally approach the person and talk it out. It has always seemed to help. Of course I do this with my husband because if I'm irritated or hurt by something in regards to him, it'll gnaw at me and our relationship suffers. Maybe I'm just too used to openness and understanding! 

But you are all right. I need to deal with this myself. I need to get over MY hurt. DH already told them how we felt so they have heard it at least. And I need to not complain about it to DH, I can tell it is hard for him to hear my anger against his family. Even though he agrees with what I'm feeling, I know it's hard to hear someone upset at your family. 

I think my biggest fear is that I won't stand up for myself and my beliefs next time something like this happens. THAT is something I am trying to work on. I really need to learn it's okay to make others uncomfortable for a moment to politely express myself when they ask/say something I disagree with. No sense in being sweet and agreeable all the time and then simmering about it later. 

Okay- I will deal with this internally and forgive DH's family (to the best degree I can!). I'll also speak up, tell them what I think from now on. And I'll be nice to them this weekend :) I will endeavor to keep backlogged snide comments from popping into my head! 

Thanks for your lovely advice!