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Foster Parent needing insight ASAP!!!

post #1 of 13
Thread Starter 

Okay, so yesterday my husband and I got our first possible referral! Yayay so excited right? Yeah right, not so much!! They warned us that it was a difficult case and they will send us all the info on this 4 yr old and we can discuss it. We went through all the info about this child including the pysch eval and we are quite frankly worried. We were told this child has bevioral issues which is a risk anyway in being a foster parent considering all these children are put through, however we had no idea to extent these behavioral issues could be, how much damage could a 4 yr old do? Rude awakening on our part, broken windows, holes in the wall, plugged toilets, terrible temper tantrums (thats expected) BUT THIS CHILDS 4!!!!! 4!!!! I would expect that behavior from a 16 year old not a 4 year old! We are wondering if maybe we arent cut out to be foster parents! We have no children of our own and expected some temper tantrums, some behavior issues but not to that extent! Are we in over our heads? Or on the scale of behavior issues and foster children is this just a extreme case? We really need some insight from other foster parents!! Were excited to get a placement but not one like this! Please HELP! We havent said yes we will take this child and dont think we will take them and allow the agency to place this child with some foster family with experience after all this would be the childs 4th placement in a year!! HELP!

post #2 of 13

My child has some pretty significant problems.  The problems you describe are EXTREME.  My daughter is hard to parent, but nothing like that.  She can be tantrum-y, aggressive, she tells lies, etc.  I am a littl shocked and almost worried that such a challenging case woudl be offered to first time parents.  It sounds like this child needs very specialized care and help.  Most parents are not trained for this.  I suggest talking to your agency about what level of behavior you feel ready to handle. 


Good Luck :)

post #3 of 13

Oh, and just a suggestion.  If your user name is your real name, I would suggest changing it.  It is the safest choice for you and your future foster child/children.

post #4 of 13
Thread Starter 

Oh, and its not!

post #5 of 13
Thread Starter 

But thanks for the suggestions, greatly appreciated! And thanks for the reply! =)

post #6 of 13

It sounds like that child would benefit from being in a therapeutic foster home. I would not accept that placement if I had other children in my home and if I wasn't a VERY experienced foster parent. My DS's sister had HUGE behaviors when she was 2 1/2. So yes, very young children can be very damaged people. She's eight now and has come a long way.

post #7 of 13

Not that you need my input after the wise things already said, but I'd say you should absolutely feel free to turn down this referral. There's always a knee jerk response on the first referral of, "Will we ever get another?!" Even if you know intellectually you will, sometimes the emotional response can be powerful if you've been waiting. Know that you are not responsible for this child. Know that case workers get overwhelmed and like to test out foster families to see exactly what they might accept. Be clear that you're very nervous about high needs children. I agree that this child sounds like they need a therapeutic home and would ask why that was not the direction taken. Our children were not considered "high needs", had relatively benign histories in the adoption world, but they most certainly have maxed us out from time to time. 


Best of luck and keep us posted!



post #8 of 13
Thread Starter 

Thank you everyone for your great advice! I connected yesterday with out case worker and expressed to her our concerns and she was completely receptive to them. She said she had no idea how difficult this case and didnt have time to read over the info that was sent me. She apologized for not having more history herself  about this child before presenting them to us. She completely agreed with us on our concerns and was happy that we said "no." She did inform me that this child was placed with a more experienced foster family and i believe that is where this child needs to be. I would have hated to have him come into our home and have it not work out and have to be moved again. She also said that it was wise that we did our homework reading all the paperwork they sent us and it was a good practice run, she also said now after realizing how difficult this case was that she would have hated to see us take this child in and fail or run scared. If that makes sence? Our agency seems to be very supportive and encouraging and when placeing a child they not only take into consideration our well being but also our household of flurry kids. I hope we will get another referral soon however i never wish the foster system on any family or child. But us foster families are our there for a reason and are willing to jump in and put out hearts on our sleeves, to help and give love when needed. Im excited to see what the future brings to our family. in otherwords... crisis of "foster parent needing insight ASAP".. offically EVERTED!!!  thumbsup.gif

post #9 of 13

Just briefly skimmed the replies... our foster son was like this for a good 6 months (he was 4 when we got him... actually it was a few days before his 4th birthday). It was horrible. I had NO idea a child could be like that. I called the caseworker one day and asked her to take him. I was like "I cant do this anymore. This child is insane" Thankfully it was one of those negligent caseworkers who didn't answer her phone ever. He has now made a complete turn around. We've had him for 3 years and he is the sweetest little 7 year old. He does get in typical active boy trouble occasionally (mostly in school for talking too much or not sitting nicely at his desk). But now he would never hit, break anything, etc. We constantly get comments on what a little sweetheart he is. He is just such a kind and caring kid....


So just wanted to post that because these kids have basically been through en emotional train wreck but sometimes if you stick it out they can completely transform (and sometimes they don't and your heart will be broken because you can't help them). I think you did make the best decision you could. And I really hope the family that got him works out for this little guy! Hopefully you'll get another call soon!

post #10 of 13

No advice, just hugs. You're doing a good thing by helping this kiddo out. 4 placements in one year is rough! Poor kid.

post #11 of 13

I think you did the right thing by turning down this placement. As I was going through the adoption process I had to turn down several matches because they needed more care than I felt I could provide as a first-time single parent. It feels bad to say "no" to a child, but it's far better than saying "yes" to a situation you're not prepared to handle properly.

post #12 of 13


Exciting Times!

I can remember the feeling of our first call after we we're officially ready to accept children into our home. My wife was so excited and I was always telling her that we can't take the first call we get. Eventually we went through about 10 calls or so (After 2 months of nothing by the way) and we said yes. We pinched ourselves every night for the first 6 months saying that these siblings (1 girl 8 months, 1 girl 5yo & 1 boy 2yo)  we're perfect.

Long story short, we've received another 3 siblings that are a bit tougher because of biologicals mom parenting but they are mostly things we just work through. I wouldn't categorize all children to be difficult cases by any means. We learned that it's very important to ask lots of questions when they call.


All the best!

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post #13 of 13
Thread Starter 

I am very excited for our next call and i am very happy that this little guy went to a home that was better equiped to take care of him and his needs. I am very hopefully that this family can take the measures to direct him in the right direction for a better future! I do look forward to our next call and cant wait to see what may come our way! Thanks again everyone for your great advice and positive feedback and reassureing my husband and I that this was a difficult case and we were smart and dont have to feel bad for saying "no." >hugs for all< joy.gif

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