Supportive comments vs. NOT...vent « Back to Group Discussions

[beans]

We've told a few people so far- our parents and some close friends mostly. While everyone is now happy for us, some comments (from friends) after initially hearing the news were pretty off-base. Most include "Whoa, were you planning this?", but some folks laughed at first and were like "Wow, really?" as if we would bust out laughing too and say, "Naw, just kidding". This has really hurt my feelings and is sort of sticking with me. I can't get their reactions out of my mind and just let it go. I feel defensive when the "was this planned" question arises- like: "it's none of your business, but since you asked, no, but we're still happy about it, here let me convince you why it's ok"...Blech.

Now I'm anticipating telling my boss in the next month. She A) has no filter, B) has no sense of boundaries, and C) acts a bit wounded when she's left out of the loop (i.e. I need to manage her feelings sometimes- awesome). I'm anticipating her asking a bunch of inappropriate personal questions. I should mention that I work for a small nonprofit and everyone's together ALL the time- there's no real distance.

So, I guess this is part vent and part question.

Q- how to respond to people who ask nosy questions without seeming defensive

[LibraryMo]

Man, that's rough. I say, if you're happy with your pregnancy that's the ONLY opinion that matters (and your DH of course).

[Lauren82]

Ugh. I also received some of the "wow, really?!" comments too. It seems as if society gets uncomfortable with families who have more than 2 children. It really sucks and I don't know what to tell you. I just continue to be excited and if people don't like it, too bad. Baby # 3, 4, 5, 6, etc... is just as important as baby #1.

[judybean]

On to baby #5 now, I've heard them all before. Having two kids is perfectly acceptable, having three is kind of toeing the line of insanity, but since your family would fit into a standard car, it's somehow still okay.. but.. once you're expecting your fourth child, you've officially crossed the line into the realm of insanity. Or self-punishment. Or something equally as disheartening :(  In our society, children are seen as burdens.  They're seen as money-drains, time-drains, and ways to interfere with our own selfish goals/pursuits.  So to be expecting a fourth (or beyond) is just plain crazy. Why would anybody DO that to themselves?! *blergh*

I hate the questions about whether any baby is "planned".  Because seriously, at this point (where you're telling people it's happening), it doesn't really matter anymore, ya know?!  Who cares?!  It's happening and BABIES ARE ALWAYS BLESSINGS.  (repeat as often as needed).

There are times I want to answer with some snarky answer, but then sometimes I realize that most people just don't get it.  And it's not their fault.  So, I smile, offer a nice little answer and move on.

[Lauren82]

Originally Posted by judybean 
BABIES ARE ALWAYS BLESSINGS.

I also get sick of having to say:

Yes, they are ALL mine.

Yes, I am as young as I look.

Yes, I know how it happens.

Yes, my hands are full but my heart is even fuller.

[RoseisRose]

This is my 4th baby, DP's first. His dad said "well she sure knows how to get pregnant. Remember she has a habit of leaving men."

This is off base for two reasons: a.) DP and I planned this baby together. HE is the one who asked me if I wanted to have more babies and if I would have them with him. b.) the ONLY man I have ever left is my kids dad. Every other relationship was ended by the man, not by me. I'm not a leaver.

We didn't confront him on this for a few reasons a.) he doesn't know what he is talking about, b.) he has boundary issues, c.) he has questioned after people have told him for years apparently, that he might have an autism spectrum disorder...likely aspergers.

Sometimes it just isn't worth it. YOU and your partner are happy and planned or not, it doesn't matter and shouldn't matter to anyone else so long as the two of you are happy about it.

[RoseisRose]

Originally Posted by Lauren82 

 Baby # 3, 4, 5, 6, etc... is just as important as baby #1.

yes!

My good friends have populated the countryside with 7 pretty pagan babies...we are heading for 6 eventually... it's what your family can handle and sustain, not what society expects out of you. I'm not having 21 kids like Michele Duggar (yikes). I'm having my 4th now and more to come. family sizes ebb and flow though. We are use to smaller families now because fewer people live and work on farms.

[jodieanneanton]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lauren82 

I also get sick of having to say:

Yes, they are ALL mine.

Yes, I am as young as I look.

Yes, I know how it happens.

Yes, my hands are full but my heart is even fuller.

^^^I LOVE this!  I need to memorize it! 

Originally Posted by judybean 

On to baby #5 now, I've heard them all before. Having two kids is perfectly acceptable, having three is kind of toeing the line of insanity, but since your family would fit into a standard car, it's somehow still okay.. but.. once you're expecting your fourth child, you've officially crossed the line into the realm of insanity. Or self-punishment. Or something equally as disheartening :(  In our society, children are seen as burdens.  They're seen as money-drains, time-drains, and ways to interfere with our own selfish goals/pursuits.  So to be expecting a fourth (or beyond) is just plain crazy. Why would anybody DO that to themselves?! *blergh*

I hate the questions about whether any baby is "planned".  Because seriously, at this point (where you're telling people it's happening), it doesn't really matter anymore, ya know?!  Who cares?!  It's happening and BABIES ARE ALWAYS BLESSINGS.  (repeat as often as needed).

There are times I want to answer with some snarky answer, but then sometimes I realize that most people just don't get it.  And it's not their fault.  So, I smile, offer a nice little answer and move on.

Judybean hits the nail on the head about the problem with society.  Viewing kids as a PITA instead of the blessings that they are, the people who they are, the souls that they are.  People limiting kids, putting off having kids to "do what they want to do with their lives" or "get on with things" is quite common.  (Nothing necessarily wrong with limiting family size or timing things, but the rudeness of pushing their thoughts about it onto you is quite rude.)  Also, I agree that snarky comments are of little or no help.  Most really just don't get it.

My reaction would probably be something like, "We didn't know how much we wanted it until it happened...And we are so happy!"  I am sorry you are getting this flak.  I am sure plenty will be coming my way even though I am ONLY on #3.  (We plan on stopping...NEVER... or when the clock stops ticking...or when WE feel its time...ie I feel too old... lol)

[beans]

Originally Posted by Lauren82 
I also get sick of having to say:

Yes, they are ALL mine.

Yes, I am as young as I look.

Yes, I know how it happens.

Yes, my hands are full but my heart is even fuller.

YES- People OFTEN say, "wow- you look too young to have a kid that old". I usually respond, "I am", which totally throws them off. I'm a brat for not accepting what they meant (hopefully) as a compliment, but...I read into it that they're digging for dirt.

I also know that a response isn't required, but I prefer to have something to say rather than feeli like I'm fumbling and confirming their mindsets, y'know?

RoseisRose, I'm sorry about DP's dad. That is just plain mean and unwarranted :( I suppose smart to not confront in that situation- it's not like anything you say will matter.
 

[planteater]

Wow, I can hardly believe that people would actually ask, "was this planned?" ! It seems so invasive, not to mention irrelevant. I think if my pregnancy weren't planned, I would simply smile and say "no." I think less can communicate more, and may give the asker pause. I also don't like when a question is too personal and feeling obliged to answer - I'm much more content when I can remember that I don't owe anyone any personal information, and can offer only what I am comfortable with sharing.

[Lauren82]

Originally Posted by planteater 

Wow, I can hardly believe that people would actually ask, "was this planned?" !

Oh, they do! Strangers and family alike. People seem to think that if you're pregnant, it's okay to say whatever. I don't find any of it amusing, even if made in a joking manner.

This just reminded me of something totally rude that MIL said when I was pregnant with our now 9 month old. She was visiting our home and commented on how many cats we had (at the time we had 4). She asked if they would multiply and I said "No, they are all fixed so they wont be having babies." She said snidely; "Well, at least SOMEONE is fixed around here!"

She's Catholic by the way.

[jodieanneanton]

Originally Posted by Lauren82 

Oh, they do! Strangers and family alike. People seem to think that if you're pregnant, it's okay to say whatever. I don't find any of it amusing, even if made in a joking manner.

This just reminded me of something totally rude that MIL said when I was pregnant with our now 9 month old. She was visiting our home and commented on how many cats we had (at the time we had 4). She asked if they would multiply and I said "No, they are all fixed so they wont be having babies." She said snidely; "Well, at least SOMEONE is fixed around here!"

She's Catholic by the way.

WHAT!?!?!  Oh my goodness!  How very rude!

[Kat_shoshin]

Just to pipe in here with a similar POV - but on the other end.

2 is most certainly the norm - with 3 being acceptable by most.  But 4 - no way... and 1 only! - the poor thing!  Most the the comments were by people over 50 - aunts and parents and the like, but most everyone did not believe us when we told them we had and were happy with just 1.

He is 5 and you would be surprised how much I got asked during the last 3 years when I was going to do it again.  Finally... the question just seemed to stop.  I think no one would have thought we would have wanted to "Start all over again" but really, I was just raising DS beyond the baby years with full love and attention and now I can turn my gaze to another little surprise being.

We certainly shocked his parents tonight.  But they are oh so pleased!

[SilverMoonMama]

Ugh i dont even at all expect a nice response from anyone anymore, the only one who was kind was my mom and some co-workers, literally my MIL's response what HOW IN THE HELL ARE YOU

GUYS GUNNA AFFORD THAT?!?!?! and she told DH cousin who called to tell us how worried she is about us and ask what we're gunna do now ect

Also sick of the oh my you look too young to have kids IM 21 NOT 15 ITS FINE MOVE ON!

also so sooooo sick of having conversations with strangers that go like this "oh we have two two year olds at home" (this comes up alot because we're i work there are always parents and little ones im talking to) "OHHHHHHHH TWINS?!!??!!?!?!?! ^_^!!!"  me "lol no actually they're six months apart to the day! i have a daughter and she is 6 months older then my fiancee's daughter" them ".........oh heh....:/"    OMG! really is it that awful that we both have children and made a family together?!?!?!! ugh and now when i start showing trying to tell that story....i think our brady buch story is sweet but apparently ALOT of people frown on it....oh well

[crystal_buffaloe]

It boggles my mind that anyone other than a HCP would ask if a pregnancy was planned (and even that's only appropriate at an intake/counseling appointment). Seriously, I don't know how I would respond to that -- "Did you seriously just ask me that?" is probably about as polite as I could be.

[jodieanneanton]

I am feeling like people just can't mind their own business!  I guess it's not suprising (albeit rude and obnoxious) I get/got invasive comments all the time about lots of things I do differently.

[Jend1002]

Originally Posted by Kat_shoshin 

Just to pipe in here with a similar POV - but on the other end.

2 is most certainly the norm - with 3 being acceptable by most.  But 4 - no way... and 1 only! - the poor thing!  Most the the comments were by people over 50 - aunts and parents and the like, but most everyone did not believe us when we told them we had and were happy with just 1.

He is 5 and you would be surprised how much I got asked during the last 3 years when I was going to do it again.  Finally... the question just seemed to stop.  I think no one would have thought we would have wanted to "Start all over again" but really, I was just raising DS beyond the baby years with full love and attention and now I can turn my gaze to another little surprise being.

We certainly shocked his parents tonight.  But they are oh so pleased!

We were (are) also happy with having just 1 and wow - people really act like having an only child is just the saddest thing.  People also finally stopped asking me when #2 was coming, after about 2 1/2 years.  Apparently, not only are you supposed to have 2 kids, but they are also supposed to be about 2-3 years apart.  I am looking forward to surprising our friends and family with the news that we have a second on the way.  And...gasp....they will be 4 years apart! 

People can just be so very rude with their remarks to pregnant women in general.  My friend, who is clearly pregnant, was in the grocery store last week and a man came up to her and said, "Nice Abs!" She was pretty shocked by that one.
 

[Monkey Keeper]

We are likely to get a less-than-thrilled response when we tell--which probably is why we HAVEN'T told anyone in our families yet!  I think they mostly think we should have been done with #3 since we "got our boy". Ridiculous. I already get so many invasive comments from strangers, including those mentioned above. Totally obnoxious.  

[1bighappyfam]

I just wish someone would come up with something original for once. Been hearing the same things for a looong time now.

[planteater]

It's weird that there isn't a social norm against asking people about their reproductive plans. I mean, it's considered rude to ask people how old they are or how much money they make - so why don't we have a taboo against poking into families' baby plans?

Right before we conceived, someone I barely knew asked me when we were going to start having children. I was really surprised. I said, "um, whenever it happens," but regretted sharing that we were, in fact, trying. I mean, she got information that I hadn't even shared with my best friends!