Living in the "Now" despite future changes « Back to Group Discussions

[cat13]

I feel like a need an outlet to vent right now.....So right now DH is finishing up grad school and should be done in the next month or so. He's applying to PhD programs and jobs all over the country (and even some international ones too) that would start anytime between next month until next August. He also might not get any of them. So I'm still at my full time job earning the money for us until the next-steps come around, while he's at home with River during the day. In the perfect world, he gets an opportunity where I don't have to work full time (or at all!) out of the house.

Anyway, I know that we have a good life and everything, but I'm finding it SO difficult to live in the moment instead of dreaming about what is coming up next. Yesterday I came home from work to find that River had an especially hard day with red-face screaming fits throughout the day. Nothing is really wrong, it's just how he gets sometimes when I'm not home. DH and I were joking about how he should put on a red wig and go to my job for me, because River wants me home during the day, I want to be home during the day, and as much as DH loves DS, he would rather not be a SAHP. So we often find ourselves talking about the future and how it will be "better."

But then I was looking through some pics of River from just a couple months ago and was struck by how much he's changing, and I'll never have that newborn baby again... he's grown so much in only 5 1/2 months. I don't want to wish away his babyhood or our lives. I really want to enjoy our life as it is NOW, while still making plans for the future and hoping for a better situation. So, I'm trying to be more intentional about today.

Anyway, I just needed to vent, so thanks for listening ladies... you have all been so supportive for the last year+ !

[Italiamom]

Big hugs to you mama.  I can relate, big time.  When DS was born, DH had just graduated from college, and was looking for work.  And it was so hard to live in those moments, because we were constantly planning/dreaming the future.  Looking back, I do wish I'd savored it a little bit more, but it is so difficult when big things (job, moving, money) are up in the air.

No matter where you end up, no matter which program, or salary, or location you end with, it isn't going to look how you think it will.  That's a good thing to remind ourselves.  DH and I had all these discussions about "after you get a job that pays X..." or "after we move here..."  And of course, the now doesn't really look like our "plan".

So when your head and your energy starts to go there, try to remind yourself that you can be prepared, but that outputting energy is futile.  What will be, will be, so to speak.  Although that is easier said than done

[cat13]

That's a good point about expectations. I know that even after "the big move" is over, I'll still be thinking about a new future and new impending changes. 

I'm glad you posted Michelle, I've really missed you and your wisdom!

[Italiamom]

I'm glad I actually have an opportunity to post this afternoon.  And I remember that feeling SO well, of things just being all up in the air.  The future is never certain, of course, but when we were waiting on life to hand us big changes, it was so hard to live in the moment.

Have you tried doing any meditation nursing?  I know it can be hard to carve time, especially with work.  But I've found that while I'm nursing (and DH is home at night to watch DS), is a great time to do simple breathing exercises.  I count breaths (breath in, count 1, breath out, count 2... Start over if you lose track of your numbers), and I also lately have been trying to meditate on the positive things in my life.  Or I can try to focus my breath and energy on DD, on just pouring love into her, or noticing her features.  It's been helpful for my anxiety and depression, but I think it might help you to center your thoughts maybe?  I swear that waiting for big life changes is like water torture...

[Peony]

It can be really difficult just to live in the moment. No real advice because I often struggle with it myself. I hope you guys end up with what you are looking for!

[Baby_Cakes]

I think we all have our moments of, "I can't wait until we have X" or "I can't wait until we are doing Y".  I think it's mostly normal.  I don't see it as wishing away the here and now, but more just having hopes and dreams.

But, all the same, hugs.  It's so hard to be away from your baby.  This is my 2nd, and I worked FT with my first for a month and then part time until my maternity leave with Finn.  She was almost 3 when I finally got to stay home with her (and I was 8.5 mo pregnant! I tried to cram in as much mommy/daughter time as I could before Finn was born!!)  Anyway, all this to say when I was working, most of my days were filled with "I CAN'T WAIT TO STAY HOMMMMEEE" sorts of thoughts.  I felt like I was just biding my time.  I knew for my 2nd baby there was hope I'd be able to be a sahm, so I just got thru it as best I could.  You'll get there, it's so close you can almost taste it!!  

[Beckily]

I'm there all the time myself ;) Since meeting Dusty it's been a lot of dreaming of what WILL be. And then things keep getting dangled but then not happening and it's really very hard. "We really want you to do this project that will cost a minimum of $50K!" .... but then they don't ever do it. I'm sorry, but having that kind of money offered and then not getting it is a killer :P

[cat13]

Today DH got notified that he has an interview for a PhD program that he's interested in. The school is in Salt Lake City and some of his field research would be in Costa Rica... and we could come with him sometimes! I know it's not for sure, it's just an interview, but it's still exciting. And they are paying for his flight & hotel, and we are using miles to get a free flight for me & River.  

If he gets this position, he'll get paid enough so I only have to work part time since it's such a lower cost of living than we are in now. Who would have thought that the girl in Hawaii is dreaming of moving to Utah! 

[cakemama579]

Ugh, it's almost impossible to live in the moment when there are impending life changes.  For me, quieting my mind is the most difficult part--when there is unknown, it is hard to feel settled.  And especially I'd say since you may potentially be able to change your circumstances from working full time to possibly staying home.  I'd have ants in my pants too for sure!

For me, I get through the daily grind while there are impending unknowns by focusing largely on things that make me (and my family) happy.  I plan small things for us--daily activities, and it seems to help distract.  For example, tomorrow is Saturday.. maybe you don't have to work?  you could plan a trip to the library, or a picnic (even an inside the house picnic if it isn't nice out), etc.  Keep the focus close--on that day, and the big stuff will come when it is good and ready.  hugs mama.

[cat13]

Italiamom, I like the idea of meditative nursing. When he's awake and nursing, I end up being his personal jungle gym so that won't do. But when I'm nursing him down to sleep, I often find my mind wandering. I think I'll try to me a little more intentional. Your post actually reminded me of a beautiful blog post I recently read about a mama who made a conscious note of all her senses and feelings while nursing, and then wrote it down so she wouldn't forget it. I've been wanting to do the same. 
 

Peony, thanks for the well wishes and commiseration! 

Baby Cakes, I remember when you found started being a SAHM last summer and how happy you were. :)  I'm really focused on trying to cut out expenses so that we can live more frugally and focus on what really matters in life. 
 

Becky, what? $50K in your face one moment and then gone the next? I would be so angry! 

Cakemama, you are so right... I really need to enjoy more of each day. I seem to get so caught up in my schedule that I often forget that even a 20 minute walk around the block can be so wonderful! 

 

[Baby_Cakes]

How long have you lived in Hawaii?  Have you been anywhere awesome with River yet?  The lava tubes?  Devastation trail??  Idk.  Before I left Hawaii, I felt like there were 1000 things left to do on my list, and we might not make it back there (it's a 10 hour flight!!).  I say enjoy the time you have there while you're still there.  Enjoy the beach, enjoy the frogs.  

Can you tell I really miss Hawaii?  LOL!!

  I hope your DH's interview goes well and you get to move, and move forward.  Treading water is really no fun.  I hear that loud and clear.

[elove]

I wish I did not know what you mean, but I do...Once DH gets his degree we are up to the wind too, hopefully will land on a coast (hawaii may be an option) but there is no knowing. We don't even know when he will be finishing so at least you have that light at the end of the tunnel. I am not one to have blind faith in these things, but somehow it all works out one way or another.  Than, I  look back and regret all those times I spent focusing on trying to get ready for a scenario that I could not even predict. So, I think it is normal and healthy to worry about the future (at least I hope it is :)) a little bit while still enjoying now. I hope we can all find that nice little line!

big hugs to you! it is not easy.

[Beckily]

Originally Posted by cat13 

Italiamom, I like the idea of meditative nursing. When he's awake and nursing, I end up being his personal jungle gym so that won't do. But when I'm nursing him down to sleep, I often find my mind wandering. I think I'll try to me a little more intentional. Your post actually reminded me of a beautiful blog post I recently read about a mama who made a conscious note of all her senses and feelings while nursing, and then wrote it down so she wouldn't forget it. I've been wanting to do the same. 
 

Peony, thanks for the well wishes and commiseration! 

Baby Cakes, I remember when you found started being a SAHM last summer and how happy you were. :)  I'm really focused on trying to cut out expenses so that we can live more frugally and focus on what really matters in life. 
 

Becky, what? $50K in your face one moment and then gone the next? I would be so angry! 

Cakemama, you are so right... I really need to enjoy more of each day. I seem to get so caught up in my schedule that I often forget that even a 20 minute walk around the block can be so wonderful! 

Not gone! Everytime they talk, they guy's like "And we're going to do the thing!!" .. And then they don't. And then they even did it again, with another project. And then there's another company doing the same. "We want you to do this thing. This thing that someone got paid 3 MILLION to do. But we can't have a meeting or talk about anything because we want a customer to pay for it so we're going to mention it periodically and then never tell you anything definite or ask you about what you would need or anything. Cheers!"

That's the funding for a) him being able to pay his cancer bills instead of go bankrupt and b) funding my Hippy Commune.

Also - That job sounds awesome!! Costa Rica! And Utah.. we'll, there are beautiful parts. We drove through twice. Good luck :D

[cat13]

Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes 

How long have you lived in Hawaii?  Have you been anywhere awesome with River yet?  The lava tubes?  Devastation trail??  Idk.  Before I left Hawaii, I felt like there were 1000 things left to do on my list, and we might not make it back there (it's a 10 hour flight!!).  I say enjoy the time you have there while you're still there.  Enjoy the beach, enjoy the frogs.  

Can you tell I really miss Hawaii?  LOL!!

  I hope your DH's interview goes well and you get to move, and move forward.  Treading water is really no fun.  I hear that loud and clear.

We've been here for almost 3 years. I definitely have lots I still want to do, but with a full time job and a baby who hates the car, we can only do a few things here and there. Last weekend we went to the beach with some friends who have a baby a few weeks younger than River and we had a blast. But yeah, I need to make my "to-do before moving list" .