Hi. I've never been on here before, but I really needed a place where I could just get some things off of my chest. Hoping it will help get me out of this funk because today I feel like I'm near my breaking point.
I am a stay at home Mom. A little bit about me... I've ALWAYS wanted to be a Mom. Never a ballerina or a firefighter. Just a Mom. My hubby and I tried for ten years (with a lot of medical intervention) to have our daughter. There was never a question that I would stay home and he would work because I am disabled by several chronic health issues and can't work outside the home. We live in a teeny tiny little town in the midwest. We moved here after my husband was laid off because it's nearby where he found work. I have no support system where we are. None. No family and no friends. Due to immune issues and my disability I was asked not to leave the house while pregnant (right when we moved here). And then there was the challenge of a new baby etc etc. I just never got out or joined anything and my husband's new coworkers weren't welcoming in a social way like I'd expected.
Skip to now. My little girl is two years old. I love her as much as you can love a person...but I feel like I don't like being a Mom. Does that even make sense to anyone but me? Whatever that magical thing is where women say that it's so rewarding to be able to stay home with their kids...I don't get it. I feel like an abused woman, which is hardly rewarding. I do every bit of cooking and cleaning, laundry, potty training, schedule keeping. I do the taxes, brush the teeth, pick up the toys, clean up the poop. I get screamed at all day every day. I get hit and kicked and body slammed. I don't see the rewarding part yet. My girl is very independant. She prefers to play and read and dress up by herself. When I try to do things with her, it angers her. She scowls and screams at me until I leave her alone. But just because I'm not allowed to play doesn't mean that I'm allowed to focus on anything but her without paying dearly for it. I still don't see the reward. It feels like house arrest with my daughter (whom I love) as my cellmate. I find myself fantasizing about being a working Mom (no offense, I know it's hard too). I'm jealous of the women who get to miss their kids! I don't miss mine at all because we're together ALL day EVERY day.
I understand that right now there are additional factors that I need to take into account. She is still getting over a cold and has a molar coming in. I'm a bit hormonal and my husband is stressed at work. There is no "me" time, but there's not a lot I can do about that between my health and my life in general. But should I really be having days or periods of time where it's all so much that I just want to hand my sweet girl over to a stranger and run for my life??? That's what I want to do. I want to scream out loud and cry for hours and tell somebody else to deal with my strong-willed independant darling girl. Is this normal? Help!