Having a bad day

[stilltrying]

Hi.  I've never been on here before, but I really needed a place where I could just get some things off of my chest.  Hoping it will help get me out of this funk because today I feel like I'm near my breaking point.

I am a stay at home Mom.  A little bit about me... I've ALWAYS wanted to be a Mom.  Never a ballerina or a firefighter.  Just a Mom.  My hubby and I tried for ten years (with a lot of medical intervention) to have our daughter.  There was never a question that I would stay home and he would work because I am disabled by several chronic health issues and can't work outside the home.  We live in a teeny tiny little town in the midwest.  We moved here after my husband was laid off because it's nearby where he found work.  I have no support system where we are.  None.  No family and no friends.  Due to immune issues and my disability I was asked not to leave the house while pregnant (right when we moved here).  And then there was the challenge of a new baby etc etc.  I just never got out or joined anything and my husband's new coworkers weren't welcoming in a social way like I'd expected.

Skip to now.  My little girl is two years old.  I love her as much as you can love a person...but I feel like I don't like being a Mom.  Does that even make sense to anyone but me?  Whatever that magical thing is where women say that it's so rewarding to be able to stay home with their kids...I don't get it.  I feel like an abused woman, which is hardly rewarding.  I do every bit of cooking and cleaning, laundry, potty training, schedule keeping.  I do the taxes, brush the teeth, pick up the toys, clean up the poop.  I get screamed at all day every day.  I get hit and kicked and body slammed.  I don't see the rewarding part yet.  My girl is very independant.  She prefers to play and read and dress up by herself.  When I try to do things with her, it angers her.  She scowls and screams at me until I leave her alone.  But just because I'm not allowed to play doesn't mean that I'm allowed to focus on anything but her without paying dearly for it.  I still don't see the reward.  It feels like house arrest with my daughter (whom I love) as my cellmate.  I find myself fantasizing about being a working Mom (no offense, I know it's hard too).  I'm jealous of the women who get to miss their kids!  I don't miss mine at all because we're together ALL day EVERY day.

I understand that right now there are additional factors that I need to take into account.  She is still getting over a cold and has a molar coming in.  I'm a bit hormonal and my husband is stressed at work.  There is no "me" time, but there's not a lot I can do about that between my health and my life in general.  But should I really be having days or periods of time where it's all so much that I just want to hand my sweet girl over to a stranger and run for my life???  That's what I want to do.  I want to scream out loud and cry for hours and tell somebody else to deal with my strong-willed independant darling girl.  Is this normal?  Help!

[Katie8681]

I think anybody would be having a hard time under your circumstances! I've been a stay at home mom for 6 months and by month 2 I realized I needed to have someone over a couple times a week to give me a break. The mother's helper/babysitter is out taking a walk with him right now! I could. not. do. 100% of the baby care 100% of the time. Just a few free hours could be enough to really pick you up.

It sounds like your dd might do well with a little outside social time, too. 

[Learning_Mum]

I understand. I love my boys, but I don't love mothering. I'm not a nurturing person by nature. Don't get me wrong, I have a big heart and will do whatever I can to help someone who needs it but I don't deal well with being constantly needed. I'm a single SAHM so I'm the only one here for them all day everyday. Luckily I have friends and family and neighbours who can help when I need it. It sounds to me like you need to start getting out of the house to playgroups and making some friends. Friends really do help take the load off a lot! I feel so much better when we get out and I have some adult interaction and the kids can be entertained, I really do come home feeling refreshed! Can you get some time off when your DH is home? Even if it's just locking yourself in the bedroom and reading a book for an hour?

FWIW, I always wanted kids too, but I don't find it as awesome and rewarding as other mothers seem to. Also, if you meet some other mothers you'll realise that a lot of mothers don't think it's sunshine and roses all the time! Oh, and it does get easier as the get older and more independant!

[iowaorganic]

Hmmm I don't know what to tell you- other than I think both of you need a break.  Kids need a break from their parents just as bad as parents need a break from their kids.  Also- your DD sounds extremely aggressive.  Like over the top.  I would check into that.  When my kids get like that (which isn't really very often- they are pretty chill)- they either have been eating crap they shouldn't, need some outside sunshine running time, a break from everyday, a snack, a nap or a mom with a new and better attitude.  Almost all of which is my problem :)  Just some suggestions!  I don't really know how you are going to do it- but hitting and kicking anyone is not acceptable here and I am sure isn't in your house either.  She must learn that- and soon for your sake.  Do you go to church?  Childrens church and sunday school teachers are usually some of the most patient people in the world and are great to have on your side for help and when you need a break :)  

Really the aggression sounds horrible.  Mamas on here are very very knowledgeable on food allergies and sensitivities....  I would head over the the nutrition forum and check that out- I am sure over there they might have some ideas...  Also the gentle discipline forum.  Hugs mama!