I've traumatized my toddler with potty training

[Cprem]

Hey there,

I haven't been on here in a while but use to love the great advice given. I know there is alot of potty thread and believe me, I've read most of them, but I could really use some advice with my 3 year old daughter (3 this last december)

I've been slowing doing potty training since my DD was 2 , some hits , some misses but never pushed to hard til she turned 3. She had the mental skills and definitely knows when she has to go. She use to go in her underpants on the potty, which was a step. But perhaps cause I pushed too hard to go with out them or not on the floor, potty time has taken a whole new level.

Now involved her holding her pee/poo til it is painful, running around screaming for a diaper. Even laying in her bed under the blankets cause she feels so bad. I try to tell her that pee has to come out but she refused and will hold it for EVER! the screaming has gone on for over an hour until I feel so bad about it (and worried for her bladder) that I give her a diaper.  

HELP! I've taken a wrong turn and potty time is so stressful. I guess i"m really t rying to push it cause she needs to switch to a new preschool that requires kids to be potty trained. I'm trying to some day go back to work.

Tried incentives, stickers, treats, cartoons, heck I would give her a candy bar if she would use the potty.

Very stressed out mom,

Chelsea

[ThankfulMama]

Hi mama!  I don't have any advice because I am in the middle of potty learning myself with DD, but I thought I'd share my story.

I posted a while ago about my DD who is 2.5 and potty learning.  Our situation sounded a lot like yours--I knew she was capable and when we had diaper free time she would hold her potty for.ev.er. and then once or twice eventually scream as she pottied all over her legs and the floor. :-(  I was frustrated because she stopped even wanting to sit on the potty.  After posting and reading feedback that suggested that i let her decide, I decided to just let it be.  She had panties but always wanted to wear a diaper so I let her.  Basically I totally laid off.  My ped told me a story about a book (I haven't read it) called the princess and the potty--something about the duke asking when the princess would use the potty and the reply was, "when it pleases her".  LOL.  This seemed to be true in our case because out of the blue about 3 weeks ago DD asked to sit on the BIG potty (not her potty seat) and so I said OK.  Since she used it successfully that day I went out to buy a seat that sits on top of the big potty and she has been using it ever since.  

Hang in there mama!

[iheartwren]

I would love to hear what others have to say to this.  We also have a daughter who will have nothing to do with the potty and she just gets hysterical if we try to have her go without a diaper or sit on the potty so we have been just laying off, but she will be 3 in a couple of weeks and we are just not sure what to do.  Do we give her a push even if is she is upset or do we just wait?  She will hold her pee and poop forever and complain that her tummy hurts (this is with wearing a diaper).  She holds it for so long she gets very constipated and we have had to resort to medicine.  We haven't really even pushed potty training for over 6 months and she still has all of these behaviors. We were thinking doing  a diaper free weekend in a few weeks but are worried she will just be traumatized and it will set us back with her holding even more.  we are at a total loss.  Sure hoping someone will have some ideas.

[crunchy_mommy]

If she is screaming for a diaper.... I would just lay off potty training, at least for a week or two. I know you want to train her soon but it doesn't sound like pushing her is working... a short break may be all she needs to feel more in control and safe with the potty. I would put her in diapers, put away the potty, and not mention a single thing about it for the duration of the break. This is the most important part, I think -- what you do after the break may not be as critical as simply taking a total break.

Then after a week or two, try letting her choose when she will stop wearing diapers (if your schedule has some flexibility). Show her the week on the calendar and let her pick which day she will be done with diapers. Remind her just once each day, "Remember, in 2 days you are done with diapers!" And then when the day arrives, have a big party, 'throwing out' the diapers, maybe balloons and sweets (which will help her pee more often so you can have more pottying success), maybe a small gift and some super fun activities. And go from there. There is a "3 day potty training" ebook that you might want to look into (several versions actually, they all seem pretty similar).

I do think some kids need to be pushed more than others (my DS is one, and he still wants/needs me to be more 'in charge' of his pottying) but it sounds like your DD is maybe struggling to have more power? Like SHE needs to be in charge & in control? That's why I suggest letting her choose the date, and also probably not talking about the potty much or asking/telling her when she needs to go. Just give her lots of liquids and keep a potty nearby and let her decide when to use it.

It sounds scary that she is holding it so much & causing herself pain. I hope that you're able to figure things out. DS didn't hold it, but he did have a stage of intense resistance to the potty (he'd intentionally go in other places or his diaper but he screamed if you put him anywhere near the potty). I think that must've been when we took a long break and then one day he had a diaper rash for the fifth time in a week (or something like that) and we explained to him that the diapers were giving him rashes and he'd need to use the potty if he wanted to stop having a hurt bum! After that things were easier, we put the diapers away & never looked back, and it wasn't totally smooth sailing but nothing like the screaming and all that he had earlier!!

[ThankfulMama]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

 I think that must've been when we took a long break and then one day he had a diaper rash for the fifth time in a week (or something like that) and we explained to him that the diapers were giving him rashes and he'd need to use the potty if he wanted to stop having a hurt bum! After that things were easier, we put the diapers away & never looked back, and it wasn't totally smooth sailing but nothing like the screaming and all that he had earlier!!

That reminds me that we used this too (about the rashes).  And after totally ignoring the potty for quite a while I would say to DD "someday you will wear panties and use the potty" and, because I always tried to change poopie diapers right away I would talk about being fresh and how nice it is to be fresh and how when she starts using panties she can be fresh all the time too." No idea if any of this worked or what worked, but I'm quite sure with DD it was about HER deciding.  HTH!