Before I get into how I'm feeling now, a little background:
Always-fat (since 2nd grade) me, I had a long struggle with body image and I have been at my biggest in the past several years. I spent a lot of time on Celexa which could be part of it, I just went off when I got pregnant. When on the meds, I seemed to have a pretty laissez faire body image, I wouldn't engage in much self-criticism. I found the fat acceptance/size acceptance movement online and had one close friend who was similarly minded. Then about a year ago she lost a ton of weight by some suspect habits, she had had eating disorders in the past and the things she was saying to me caused me to cut off the friendship pretty abruptly (i.e. "I will never let myself get like that again") so I sort of felt like a solo act, and started to doubt a lot of my self-acceptance.
Because it took us awhile (17 months) to conceive, I was really worried it was because of my weight and that I wouldn't get good fertility care, but it turned out all I needed was Clomid and Metformin.
Now I'm pregnant and not on any antidepressants, and I am sort of unsure how to feel about my body. I had an experience at my first appointment with a new OB where my gown wouldn't close over my breasts and I felt humiliated and exposed (I usually don't have that problem, I think most offices have a range of sizes now) For some reason I didn't speak up and advocate for myself. I still have yet to meet my doctor (sort of my own fault because I canceled an appointment with her yesterday) and I am a bit scared about how I will be treated, especially addressing my concerns about higher rates of C-sections in women with my BMI.
I also have a coworker who is pregnant and only a few weeks ahead of me. Nobody at work knows yet and if I'm showing a bit (not sure), they would never be able to tell because, I dunno, I'm fat and I don't feel like people notice fat vs. fatter. Today she was wearing a really tight t-shirt that showed her belly (not really a baby belly yet, I KNOW, because her fundal height can't be much beyond mine at 12 weeks). Of course I haven't gained any of the weight that straight size women gain. I think I've lost weight. She's been very attention seeking this whole pregnancy and I sort of dread everyone knowing about mine because I don't want my body compared to hers for a second.
I guess I don't have much of an overall point, but I really wanted to start this conversation.