The terror of potential loss ... anyone else struggling? « Back to Group Discussions

[GentleCatholic]

This is my first pregnancy, an incredible surprise after seeing my terribly pitted ovaries on the ultrasound and being told that it would be a struggle for sure to conceive. The knowledge that I have PCOS does feed into my concern about an elevated risk of miscarriage. 

I've had two beta tests, my last one on Thursday, February 1, but joy has given way to a desperate fear. It certainly does not help that I've lost most of my worst, earliest symptoms, which for me were a drippy nose and an achy varicose vein. (I only had very faint stomach issues - a surprise rising of food in my throat a few times - but no nausea. My breasts were never sensitive, either). I'm still having that faint feeling in my uterus that corresponds with the uterus stretching, but it's not nearly as pronounced as before. On one hand, plenty of women who have a sudden loss of pregnancy symptoms go on to be fine. On the other hand, a sudden loss of symptoms can be associated with an impending miscarriage. 

I feel helpless. My doctor isn't going to take this call on a late Saturday or Sunday, and besides, what could he do? Nothing. My ultrasound isn't until the 16th. Do you think it would be neurotic for me to get more beta testing in the next few weeks? 

More generally, is anyone else really experiencing much more fear than joy? I did not anticipate this set of fearful emotions being so strong at all when I daydreamed about getting pregnant!

[1babysmom]

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Edited by 1babysmom - 3/19/13 at 6:39pm

[broodymama]

I'm dealing with a good bit of fear here too, this pregnancy coming after a loss in September.  I'm not having many early symptoms (my nausea usually doesn't start until the 6th week, I've never had sore boobs with any of my pregnancies), and my right side cramping that I had last week has faded.  So for now I'm just waiting, and trying to stay calm.

[LibbyLou]

Hugs mommas...this one has me stressed out too.  I've been having some spotting for the last three days, which I didn't experience with my first pregnancy.  I saw my regular doctor on Friday to get a referral to the OB clinic.  I can call on Wednesday to try to get an appointment (at which time I'll be 6 weeks, so I plan to beg for an ultrasound).  The waiting is the worst.  I'm trying to relax and take comfort in the fact that I haven't had any cramping, but that's easier said than done.

GentleCatholic...I have PCOS as well, so the knowledge that we're at an elevated risk for miscarriage haunts me too.

[zubeldia]

Me me me! I can actually barely visit this board as I don't want to get my hopes up that things will work out. I've had two pregnancy losses in a row since August (then lost my dad just before Christmas) so loss is really on my mind. I've had my hCG tested and it's rising nicely but this was the case with my most recent loss. I keep remembering that I have had a healthy full-term pregnancy before and that there's no reason why I would not have another healthy pregnancy.

FWIW, I was terrified during my first pregnancy - with no history of loss - and everything was just perfect. Remember that stats are on your side. You're MUCH more likely to have a healthy pregnancy than not.

It's hard to just relax and wait, but really that's all we can do. Hugs,

Zub

[GentleCatholic]

I wish I could just reach out and squeeze all of your hands! I'm so grateful that each of you has posted, but I'm so sorry that we're going through this fearful time. 

This may sound absurd, but over the past day or so I've tried to put the baby out of my mind. Of course I'm not drinking alcohol or neglecting my vitamins, but I've just compartmentalized this experience and shelved it until I can get some answers on the 16th. My lack of symptoms is continuing, and I just don't know what to make of it.  I think I've finally made peace with the fact that I don't have any control over the situation, though, and let it go as best I can. 

You are all so strong for facing your fears, and I hope you keep us all updated. You and your sweet babies are in my prayers!

[1babysmom]

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Edited by 1babysmom - 3/19/13 at 7:58pm

[broodymama]

I'm just trying to be grateful for every day that I AM pregnant, and love this baby as much as I can.  All my memories of my pregnancy that ended in September are of fear, confusion and uncertainty and no matter how long this pregnancy is, be it 6 weeks or 9 months, I do not want that to be the case this time.

[cathochick]

I'm struggling. I had a surprise pregnancy in the fall of 2010. Found out I was pregnant in mid-November. Just before Christmas, when I would have been 9 weeks along, I went in for an ultrasound and they couldn't find a heartbeat. I had a follow-up ultrasound a week later and nothing had changed, so I had a D&C.

This one is another "oops" pregnancy, but now I don't have health insurance, so I can't just run off to the doctor and ask for an ultrasound. I'm applying for Medi-Cal and have found a midwife, so I have to just wait and see and hope for the best. I'm worried because the only sign I had last time that something was wrong was that I never got really sick and then I suddenly felt completely fine. So far with this one, I feel mostly fine. My boobs are definitely swollen and sore and I'm not interested in food, but aside from that I feel fine. But I don't usually start to feel nauseous until six to seven weeks. I had some spotting in the middle of the night last night. It was pinkish/purpleish, not bright red, and only when wiping. I'm 5 weeks and 3 days along. I do not enjoy this stage of pregnancy limbo.

[dandylez]

I can absolutely relate to everything that everyone is saying. This is my first pregnancy, so I am fortunate to not to have experienced a loss, but the fear of a loss happening has been ever-present and intense.  It's very strange for me, because I'm usually full of hope and optimism.

The fear has been absolutely paralyzing. I kept saying to my partner that I felt haunted by it. I was absolutely convinced that the pregnancy was not developing as it should, and that I was going to lose it. No matter what my partner said, I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something wrong, and I was resenting her for telling me that the likelihood was that it's fine.  Like many women here, my symptoms are not strong.  No nausea, boobs less sore than before, generally feeling quite good... and I was reading everything as proof that there was something wrong.

Now for the good news... I had my 6 week ultrasound this morning.  Everything is going well.  We saw the baby's heart fluttering with it's brand new heartbeat, and at 6w1d it measures 6w3d.  I tossed and turned all last night, trying to figure out how I was going to bear the bad news, and instead I cried when she said that everything is perfect!

It's so hard to let go of the fear. I really do understand that.  I know that I'm going to continue to have some anxiety, but this has taught me to embrace the joy and to trust my body, and our little pickle to keep growing and doing what they're supposed to do. 

I hope this helps allay some of those fears out there.  I'm really glad we have each other to turn to for support at times like this. 

[femmeknitzi]

Originally Posted by zubeldia 

FWIW, I was terrified during my first pregnancy - with no history of loss - and everything was just perfect. Remember that stats are on your side. You're MUCH more likely to have a healthy pregnancy than not.

Zubeldia, thanks for saying this out loud, it's so good to hear.

I'm with all of you, fighting the fear and trying to stay positive. I'm like Dandylez, it's my first pregnancy, no history of loss but I've ached for those of you who have spoken openly about your losses and I have no illusions that it can't happen to me. I just feel like I'm walking a tightrope of trying to enjoy the moment, feel grateful but not get too excited. This weekend I had a miscarriage dream and it sent me for a tailspin. But I've not had any signs that I should worry. I go in for my first labs on Wednesday.

[colta]

Mind if I hop in here ladies... ?

I'm a few weeks a long (not entirely sure how far along... but not far) and have been spotting for about a week now. It's been super scary to say the least. This past summer me and DH were surprised to find out we were pregnant, completely taken aback... sadly it ended up being ectopic. (it took weeks of beta hell before we found out).

Now, after trying for 3mo, I'm pregnant again and at first everything was hunky dory... I had symptoms but felt good and was generally optimistic. A few days after I found out, I started spotting... this terrified me and I ran to the ER to see what was going on. Unfortunately the ER doc was very unfamiliar with pregnancy, so he did a beta hcg, which came back a bit low (32miu) and basically told me this was the end.

I went back 3 days later (64 hours after first beta) and had another beta hcg.... my number rose to 60 in 64 hours, which I knew was in the normal range but again I got the doom and gloom story. So that day I went to my ob/gyn and he didn't seem concerned at all, said my numbers were good and the spotting wasn't anything to worry about.

Well... I've been spotting for a week now. It varies from light light brown to bright bright red. I don't really have any cramps with it (just the occasional ones that I figure are my uterus stretching) and no clots, I only ever have a few spots on my panty liner for the day... but I'm absolutely terrified.

I go in for another beta hcg tomorrow and I just pray that they'll come out okay. I'm so scared, me and DH are desperate for this baby and we would give anything for it to be okay... this is such a scary/worrisome/stressful situation.

[LibbyLou]

colta...keep us updated on your beta!  I'm hoping for good things for you (and everyone else too!)!!!

I'm still spotting.  It's been happening for so many days now that it's my new normal, and not nearly as disconcerting.  That sounds really weird, but it's like I'm kind of numb to it now.  I'm supposed to call the OB I was referred to on Wednesday to see when I can get an appointment, but I think I'm going to call Tuesday morning on the off chance that they've gotten it already.  This waiting stuff is killing me!  DH is out of town until Friday.  I miss him.  :-(

[dandylez]

Colta, I'm so glad that your news is more positive since the last post I saw from you.  FX for great betas and good news!!

LibbyLou, I hope you can get in to see the OB quickly, and that the spotting turns out to be nothing to worry about. Yes, waiting is awful, especially if your DH is away. 

[femmeknitzi]

Colta, I have all my appendages crossed that you get good news today.

I noticed some slightly brown-tinged discharge today that has me terrified. I know it's probably normal and it's not even enough to get on my panties but I can't help it. I go in for labs tomorrow and time seems to be DRAGGING until then.

Fingers crossed for all of us!

[OkiMom]

I'm worried a bit right now that I'm going to lose this one. First because I wasn't overally happy when I first found out (silly I know you can't lose a baby because of a nervous response in the beginning but I feel bad about it), second because I have a history of miscarriage (Ive lost 3 babies, 2 miscarriages and my oldest was suppose to be a twin but I lost her twin) and third I took a med before I knew i was pregnant that is absolutely never to be taken while pregnant. I took a pregnancy test before starting the antibiotic but, of course, it came out negative since it was only like 2-3 days past ovulation. Honestly I won't be comfortable with the pregnancy until I feel movement and even then Ill worry until I'm holding him/her. My husband says I'm a huge worry-wart and hes right.

[colta]

Well... I've got a weird mixture of news. Firstly, my beta hcg came back okay... it was 163, so it doubled in 66 hours. Not the greatest, but still within the 48-72 hour time frame.

Secondly... I had about 5 minutes of awful stabbing pain yesterday right before I went to see my Dr... and then (painlessly) passed two quarter sized clots.... this of course freaked me out and when I went to the dr, he was no help at all. He just got the awful look on his face (before telling me that I couldn't have felt pain in my cervical area because there are no nerves there.... pshaw) and called the on call radiologist and then sent me for an emergency ultrasound because he was 'sure' it was ectopic.

Now obviously, my hcg is not high enough to allow anything to be seen at this point, so I don't know what the heck he was thinking... at any rate, we waited for 5 hours in the emergency room surrounded by a massive group of the most annoying people in the world. Finally we were seen and the ER doc was very kind. I explained everything to him, and he agreed that jumping to the thought that it was ectopic was a bit rash and that more then likely the pain was caused from the clots coming through my cervix.

At any rate, now I'm stuck (again... this is exactly like last time) in beta hell. I have another appointment tomorrow with my ob and another ultrasound (that I'll still be too early for) next week... so that's where I'm at right now.

[femmeknitzi]

Colta, I'm so sorry for this back and forth you're dealing with! Keeping you in my thoughts. Please continue to keep us updated. I'm not sure what your situation is, but if you can take some time off work, go shopping, watch a marathon of Downton Abbey or Real Housewives or whatever makes you happy. Do whatever it takes to keep the anxiety from taking over. *hugs*

AFM, I'm still spotting ever so slightly and they didn't do labs at my appointment today. They want to wait until I meet with my midwife next week. ARGH. I know it's my first and I have no history to suggest a problem but I want to know that my numbers are okay. Just stressing out. I should probably take my own advice, huh? :/

[zubeldia]

oh, Colta, what a horrible time for you. You're in my thoughts.

I am finding it tough going, honestly. I have had two missed miscarriages and so not bleeding or cramping is cold comfort. My hCG levels have been rising well (but that's not too comforting, either, as I had great hCG numbers last time). I do have an OB appointment on Fri. I'll only be 5 weeks and 1 so if they do a scan, which I think they will, there will be very little to see. Mind you, if I see a gestational sac with an target yolk sac then I might feel a bit better. Oof, I just wish I knew, you know?

[colta]

Hello all... I never did get around to posting about what happened on Tuesday for me... to be honest, it wasn't anything special... but there were a few highlights.
I had a fair amount of spotting today, kinda figured I would considering I had a vaginal ultrasound yesterday. I've had a few more little clots and one other big one, but no crazy cramps... just my usual.

I'm currently in nursing school and I was missing ALOT of clinical hours, which are mandatory. This was putting a huge strain on me, because this is my last semester and I had absolutely no time to make things up. I was able to contact my teacher with regards to postponing my graduation until next year... she was fabulous about it and gave me a great deal of encouragement, which was something I really needed.... my classmates have been slightly less than encouraging, not really taking what I want to do all that well at all... but that's not their issue, so I'm trying to ignore it.I'll be joining next year's graduating class... which is fine. I have friends there as well and It's only 5 months of work.

My mom told me something Tuesday that really helped to calm me down. She told me that she and my grandmother had the exact same thing happen to them for all of their pregnancies (8 between the two of them, all successful)... so that's helped a great deal. I've heard that you're pregnancies mimic your mothers... so it's given me a bit of hope. She said a few times neither one had any idea they were pregnant... as they just thought they were having abnormal periods.... it's a comforting notion that I'm doing the exact same thing, because neither one has had a miscarriage.

I also checked my chart from my previous ectopic... When I had my ectopic, I actually thought I had miscarried first. I had the bleeding and the cramping and the passing of major clots (the pain was crazy)... well I'm now further along then I was last time when I thought I miscarried. And in 9 days now, I'll be further along than I was when it was discovered I had an ectopic. So that's a big deal for me.

But  yeah... DR's appt today... I'll let you know how it goes.