Help save my sex life

[smokeylo]

We have 2 daughters and have co-slept with both of them since birth. When my younger daughter was born, my husband stayed with our high-needs oldest and I moved into a different room with our baby. Now they are 4 years old and 2 years old, and we still sleep in separate beds with each girl.

After 2 years, my husband is ready to be back in bed with me. We used to have sex on the couch during naptime, but now that my oldest doesn't nap, that's out the window, and intimacy is becoming a real problem in my marriage. (And, I'd like to have another baby at some point in the future! So many reasons to cultivate more connection between us and opportunities to DTD!) Something needs to change and I think shifting sleeping arrangements makes sense on a number of levels.

Both girls sleep through the night, but they are both pretty attached to bedsharing with us, especially our oldest daughter who has resisted several attempts to get her to sleep in a toddler bed, or in a bunk bed (that she picked out, and a room we set up with her input). Our plan at that time was to get her napping in the bunk bed, and then get her to sleep in there. But she dropped her naps within a few weeks of getting the bed, so we really only have nighttime sleep. She is a highly sensitive child and I don't know if she will ever make the choice to sleep independently. She is very attached to my husband.

My younger daughter might transition to her own bed. She's always been more adaptable. She still likes to be nursed almost all the way to sleep and that's fine with me since it only takes about 10 min. I thought maybe I could just start putting her to sleep in the lower bunk (and stay in the nearby room and plan to bedhop until she gets used to it?).

Suggestions? Thoughts? We have a king bed (that DH and DD1 share), a queen (me and DD2), and a bedroom with bunk beds. The bunk beds can be separated. I think it would be best or ideal if we could get both girls to sleep in "their" room so that we can sleep together and have another bed free for someday down the line if/when we have a 3rd.

Basically ANY ADVICE you can share about shifting one or both girls into their own room would be so incredibly appreciated!

[Peony]

Put them in a bed together. I'd try that first before splitting them up into separate beds even in the same room. Maybe they would only start the night off that way and then end up coming to you, but maybe it is a start. 

[gurglebaby]

I have your exact problem...except all 4 of us sleep in one bed. I feel they are getting more attached to having us sleep with them and it seems the end is nowhere near!

Good luck to you and I hope someone has a good answer for you that I can use too!;0)

[quantumleap]

Does your husband go to bed at the same time as your dd1?! If not, then, in theory, she's sleeping on her own, so it shouldn't be too difficult to get her to at least start out the night in her own bed. In theory. I have a pretty intense, spirited, attached dd too, and things really had to move on her own timeline. So, I understand if it's not as simple as it sounds! 

I would second the idea of putting the girls in the same bed. They're small enough that they could share a twin, if that's what you've got. You could also just try putting them in your queen, and having you and your dh sleep in the king. Chances are, at least on of the is going to migrate to your bed in the night, and the king would have more room to accommodate that. 

Sometimes it feels like co-sleeping is shooting yourself in the foot, hey? Even though you can't imagine doing anything else, especially when they're really small, it makes for harder transitions down the line sometimes. 

[smokeylo]

DD1 falls asleep on her own. We could try having them bedshare... seems like it would be a good step to make. 

I'm rather dreading this transition!! I'm such a wuss! But seriously, all the books said they'd move on at some point but my oldest is not that kind of kid. She never choses to move on. She likes things to stay just the same.

Now I'm wondering what I'll do with the NEXT kid!! 

[yellow73]

Is there any reason you can't have the girls bedshare?  Maybe start out by moving them into the same bed when they are asleep, or having a parent stay in the room till they fall asleep, then gradually work on leaving them to fall asleep on their own?  We have a more or less "open door" policy in that the kids (we have boys 3 & 5) know they can come if our room if they wake up and are want to cuddle. My 5 year old didn't leave our room until age 4, but has pretty much slept 12 hours a night without waking since then. Our 3 year old still climbs into bed with me more nights than not.  I'm probably going to put a toddler matress on our floor soon and get him used to sleeping there if he chooses to come in at night, as we have a baby coming this summer, and I'm not going to be that crowded :)  FYI we have a toddler bed and queen in the boys room, and two queens in our room that we have had pushed together in the past when we needed more room for cosleeping.  I tend to want more room, so if my son comes in I ususally move with him to the empty bed in our room.  Whatever helps you get more rest and intimate time that you need!  (We also lock our bedroom door we when are having our time and unlock it before sleeping so we don't have to worry about being caught in the act! :)

We made a big deal when my older son moved to his own room, we decorated his room, new quilts, etc.  It became his own space and that was part of the charm I think.  My son still is a very sensitive kid, hence the 'open door' policy in going to our room. If we had made a huge deal out of him knowing he had to stay all night in his room he would have been extremely upset. 

Good luck!  Transitions take time and gentleness for everyone.

[Mama505]

Maybe put one of other mattresses in your room with the king and get them to sleep together with parents in the same room, but different bed?  DH could help get DD1 to sleep in a bed, you could nurse DD2 to sleep in the same bed.  Then, you have the whole rest of the house to yourselves and then a king-sized mattress to sleep together on...  Sounds easy, right!  (hahaha)

We are still co-sleeping with our son (2yo), but are fashioning a side car bed this weekend so that I can have some space (I am in the middle most of the time, or else crammed up against the wall)!  Good luck!