Bad situation with partner need help FAST

[hennipenni1979]

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took it down sorry

Edited by hennipenni1979 - 2/7/12 at 10:06am

[Katielady]

I don't think you reacted badly or were being mean at all. If my husband took care of my kids while high I would be pissed. If he drove them in the car while high, I would hit the roof. There's not really such a thing as an overreaction to that. You need to sit him down and have a serious talk about this, possibly hiring a sitter and getting him out of the house to a restaurant or something so that you have to actually talk and neither of you can start yelling. If he can't agree that what he did was dangerous and wrong, and that he must never do it again, you need to make other childcare arrangements. You may be able to get family leave time while you're working it out.

I know it's hard, but you always have a choice. Leaving your kids with someone who will drive them around while impaired is not an option, any more than leaving them in a burning house is an option.

Good luck.

[MrsGregory]

hennipenni1979 - A reference to your birth year, maybe?  A good year to be born! 

I am also not the world's best person.  I'm an adult child of an alcoholic and can get very angry when provoked.  I am happy and funny and relaxed around my friends but my partner can really make me tense, and my tension makes him angry, etc etc.

I am quoting only the bit I want to call out.  First, and maybe foremost, your bad behavior does not mean you deserve his bad treatment of you.  If your behavior towards him is abusive, his choices should be to either leave you, or to put a stop to your behavior without abusing you in return.  Secondly, why are you tense around him?  Is it because of the manner in which he treats you?  Is it because you struggle with being intimate, due to your past?  Maybe a little of both?  Lastly;  how will you react if he calls your daughter a b*tch?  How would you react if your daughter's long-term partner treated her this way?  It seems like your folks never stuck up for you.  You need to stick up for yourself. 

I hope I don't come across as insensitive or too forward; I have struggled with some very similar issues, and I think I can understand where you are coming from.  But I do believe you need to address some issues other than your partner's pot smoking.  I wish you so much happiness and peace.

[KathrynH]

I want to be clear - Taking care of a child while under the influence is NEVER okay. Leaving your child with someone whom you suspect might be under the influence is NEVER okay. To do so is to knowingly put a child in potential harm. What if an emergency occurred and he had to drive her to the hospital? What if he passed out and a fire started? I could go on and on with potential scenarios, but I don't think it's needed.

Your partner chose smoking pot over the safety of your child. Perhaps this is because he is in a bad place right now, but the reason doesn't really matter. Until you can be certain that he can make choices that place your child above himself, you cannot leave her in his care. 

I know the issue is covered in gray areas, but the choice of leaving your child with him is black and white at this point. Your post paints a picture of a man who is grieving and not capable of making good decisions right now. I know you are both hurting, but putting your child in potential harm will not alleviate this pain. In fact, it could add to the pain if something terrible happens. 

I am sorry that you are in this situation. It is difficult and unfair. Good luck to you!

[grahamsmom98]

Advice?  LEAVE.  HIM.  NOW. 

I used to work for the prosecutor's office and dealt with the aftermath of stories like yours all the time (children at risk or abused and mother not wanting to side against/providing excuses for the boyfriend/husband that caused risk/harm to the children).  They were not happy endings.  In almost every case where the child was a survivor, the child was placed in fostor care.  Those were the lucky ones, they survived.   

Read the the parts of your post that I bolded.  They are all about how you are taking all the blame for this (and the obvious fact that he knows how to push your guilt buttons perfectly).  If you really were born in 1979, it's time you GROW UP and get over the self-blame trip. 

Okay, you're the ADULT child of an alcoholic.  So am I.  So are a lot of people.  Move on and face the fact that you are now the parent and that your child is paying for your excuses.  Stop the cycle, don't continue it.  You can and you must.

You said you made him promise not to do something that might harm your baby.  How nice.  Do you really think that a person like this will remember his promises when he's stoned???  Get real.

You need to protect your child, first and foremost.  According to your post, you had friends that could help you while he was gone.  Call on them, again, to help you.  What friend wouldn't help if they knew you feared for your child???

There are plenty of agencies out there to help with abused women and children.  Call your church, if you have one.  Call Salvation Army or your city/county mental health center.  Call the police. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your little girl. 

Your'e upset?  GOOD.  You should be.  Do something about it. 

You're confused?  What is there to be confused about?  Your child is at risk for harm with a stoner.  He is not exactly the role model you want for any child and is not being any kind of parent if he is putting her at risk.  He should not be her caregiver.

Stop making excuses for him & yourself.  Your child can't help or defend herself.  She is counting on adults to protect her, not put her in harms way.

Edited by grahamsmom98 - 2/7/12 at 1:56pm

[DaisyO]

hope you're feeling okay, it's hard but maybe a visiting nurse could help?

[hennipenni1979]

grahamsmom98, could you please delete the section of your reply that had my post in it, please please as a fellow mother. 

I really needed to erase it but I wasn't fast enough

Don't worry, I'm listening to what you have to say and appreciate it very much

[liliaceae]

OP, you might want to pm a moderator to take down this thread.

[hennipenni1979]

thanks very much grahamsmom I appreciate it!  I don't think I need to pm the moderator now. 

just as an update we live in Northern California, and I got a friend to cover some shifts, so my daughter and I are going to stay with another friend on her llama farm in the woods by a pond for a few days!  We are going to spin some wool and eat some nice bread and jam and things are going to be fine.  I think my partner will appreciate the time off and so will we.

thanks

[grahamsmom98]

 ...just as an update we live in Northern California, and I got a friend to cover some shifts, so my daughter and I are going to stay with another friend on her llama farm in the woods by a pond for a few days!  We are going to spin some wool and eat some nice bread and jam and things are going to be fine.  I think my partner will appreciate the time off and so will we

Sorry, but I don't see things as being "fine".  There are some serious and frightening issues here.  Bread, jam and wool spinning are not going to make the problems go away.

I gather by your immediate and fearful request to remove parts of my post (and the complete removal of your initial post) that you are fearful that your boyfriend will find what you wrote on the internet and react accordingly.  Does this not tell you anything?? 

Please, I implore you, get away from this situation permanently!  There are too many red flags here and your child, I fear, may pay a very big price.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by KathrynH 

I want to be clear - Taking care of a child while under the influence is NEVER okay. Leaving your child with someone whom you suspect might be under the influence is NEVER okay. To do so is to knowingly put a child in potential harm. What if an emergency occurred and he had to drive her to the hospital? What if he passed out and a fire started? I could go on and on with potential scenarios, but I don't think it's needed.

Your partner chose smoking pot over the safety of your child. Perhaps this is because he is in a bad place right now, but the reason doesn't really matter. Until you can be certain that he can make choices that place your child above himself, you cannot leave her in his care. 

I know the issue is covered in gray areas, but the choice of leaving your child with him is black and white at this point. Your post paints a picture of a man who is grieving and not capable of making good decisions right now. I know you are both hurting, but putting your child in potential harm will not alleviate this pain. In fact, it could add to the pain if something terrible happens. 

I am sorry that you are in this situation. It is difficult and unfair. Good luck to you!

Agree. You need to step up and make sure your children are safe! Avoiding the issue here is endangering your children. Hiding out with a friend for few days will not solve this!

[Mom31]

I am sorry you are going thru this. I think taking time away to sort things out in your mind is a great idea. You need to create boundaries if you choose to stay.