Co-sleeping isn't really working out, what should we do?

[RStelle]

So I'm thinking about starting to transition my daughter into her crib when in a month or so, around the time she turns 1. I'm feeling kind of guilty about it because I know she would still like to sleep with us, but I'm feeling like having her in bed with us isn't working. Until a few weeks ago she would wake up every hour or sometimes more to nurse, and I have some problems sleeping myself so I could never get back to sleep. I was at the point where I was so tired it was really affecting my daily life, so we decided to try night weening and it's going pretty well. I sleep another room, DD sleeps for 5-6 hours, then I go in to nurse her and then go back into the other room. I've tried to go back to sleeping in bed with DD & DP, but as soon as I'm even in the same room DD is back to waking up every hour and only going to back to sleep with nursing.

I guess I'm looking for advice about where to go from here. DD seems happy with the way things are now, but I really miss my DP, with our work schedules we only see each other for a few hours at night a lot of the time and I really just feel like for our relationship I want us to sleep in the same bed at night. We've tried putting DD to bed in her crib, she sleeps for 30 minutes and then cries like crazy, we pick her right up but it's she keeps crying and won't go back to sleep, so after 2 weeks of that we gave up.

So anyway, what do people think? Should I just suck it up and sleep in the other room or should I try again to get DD to sleep in her crib, which is kind of what I want to do? And if we do transition her to her crib, how should we do it, cuz what we did clearly wasn't going to work!

[tiqa]

Both of my kids transitioned to their own beds at around one year of age.  (DS was 10 months, give or take, DD was about 13 months.)  Our situation is a bit different in that neither one had the least issue with it.  In fact, I was the one who still has to hug a pillow to me to sleep.  (I guess a stuffed animal would work too!)  We all got decent sleep afterwards.  But maybe your DC is picking up on your guilt?  If you were fine with it, do you think she would feel better about it as well?  I would say if she's really stressed about it, don't kick her out just yet unless you really are at the end of your rope.  And I guess I would try to differentiate between fussy-crying and needy-crying.  Does that make sense?  If she's hysterical (or likely to get there), then by all means, do what you need to to make sure she feels secure.  If she's just cranky because she liked your bed better, then do what you gotta do.  At one year old, with a secure attachment to you, I don't think it's going to be the end of the world for her either way.  Your relationship with your partner is IMPORTANT, and your need for sleep is also IMPORTANT.  They just are.

It's also not an all or nothing deal, if that helps you with the guilt any.  We still co-sleep sometimes, such as when family stresses get crazy (like when DH was in the hospital and we were all concerned about him) or when one of the kiddos is sick or is just going through a needy phase.  It's not like they'll never need a snuggle again afterwards.

That said, if you're still nursing, watch for a drop in milk supply.  My milk went away very quickly after we night-weaned as a result of separating beds.  It wasn't planned, it just happened.

[prescottchels]

I've known a few bed sharing families who realized their babes slept better in their own rooms. So you might try that since you already know she sleeps well when you're not in the room. Sometimes transitioning to the crib can be helped by using a blanket or article of clothing that smells like you in the crib, a white noise machine or fan, and warming the mattress w/a heating pad or hot water bottle prior to putting babe down helps too. And if she's used to your bed and it's a pillow top or similar a crib mattress is going to feel really hard-perhaps putting a folded blanket or comforter under the sheet would make it feel more like the bed she's used to.

A lot of families also start or end the night w/babe in the bed w/them, whatever works for you.

Good Luck and sweet dreams all around!

[Kadieladie]

For our daughter, I think a big help was that at first we put her down for naps in her crib.  So all naps during the day when she was at home were in the crib.  By the time she started sleeping there at night, it was no biggie.  But the sleeping there at night got there in stages.

We co-slept with our 10 month old daughter until she was about 4 months and I realized that she was sleeping better in her co-sleeper than she was in bed with us.  So around that time, we transitioned to her sleeping in the cosleeper next to the bed (a pack and play or something similar would do the trick too, I'd imagine) and only popping into bed with us for nursings.  After that, I'd put her back in the cosleeper.  Then around 6 months she started sleeping in her crib down the hall (we wanted some personal time a couple of nights and realized that she was doing great down there, so we kept it up). 

She still wakes 2-4 times/night and I'm still nursing her at least 1 time/night (we just curl up in a comfy chair we put in her room).  But at this point she does not sleep when she's in bed with us anymore - not because a good snuggle wouldn't be good, but because she is comfortable in her own crib and just doesn't fall asleep in our bed.  Hanging out with us has become an awake thing and sleeping happens in the crib. 

Don't get me wrong - on nights when she's up a bunch this is an annoying situation and I wish she would just sleep with us occasionally.  But overall we're doing all right.