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Did anyone struggle with the decision about learning baby's gender?

post #1 of 38
Thread Starter 

I've never learned baby's gender before birth, and really never wanted to before. But this time around I feel like I need to prep everyone a little more. DS was pretty down about his second sister, and as much as I try to rationalize it all for him, I know he's seriously invested in a boy. Naming is also a horrible experience for us, and the thought of only half that pain is very appealing.

 

Has anyone else struggled with this? Or was it pretty clear to you what was right for your family?

post #2 of 38

Well, the first time, I didn't really want to find out, but dh talked me into it as we were going into the ultrasound. The second time I got my way and we had a surprise. This time, we're in a similar situation to you: our kids are respectively invested in having a brother or a sister, so we're finding out so that they'll have time to get used to the idea before the birth day. I totally understand your feeling torn, but really, I don't think it matters much either way. It's actually exciting to find out the sex and somehow (we found) it made it all feel more "real"...but having a surprise is fun too. In your situation, it sounds as though it makes sense to find out.

post #3 of 38

I didn't want to find out last time, but DH did and since it was his first and my third... we found out.

I guess, in a way, that's a struggle. I had to fight with myself over "He's not done this before, lets let him have it his way, it's not that big of a deal" and "but I've never not found out before, I want to experience that."

As such, this, my fourth, my last, will be my surprise baby. That was the deal we made lol...

 

but after a lot of sitting and thinking it over and figuring out the pros/cons it was pretty obvious what was right for us.

 

What are your pros/cons... I see a lot of pros for finding out... the only "con" i can think of is "getting gendered clothing" and "want to keep it a surprise" but the surprise... well it's sort of overshadowed by prepping your kids and being able to focus on one sex for name... and gendered clothing? well... you can always find out and then keep it to your little family until the birth.

post #4 of 38

This will be our first time finding out. I pretty much let my kids decide because I am not entirely sure and dh doesn`t care.

 

With the first I was adamant about not finding out. I`ve only had us with #3 and 5 and we tried to peek but they were close to term and snuggled in.

post #5 of 38

We have found out with all of our pregnancies. I never felt like I lost this big surprise because, either way you are going to be surprised. We found out this time because DH was seriously invested in having a girl and we are having a boy. It took him awhile to get over that lol, whereas for me, it is a lesser battle to fight as I don't mind finding out one way or the other...

post #6 of 38

We decided from the beginning not to find out, but now DP kind of wants to because I keep telling him that I think it's a girl. Basically I think he just wants me to be wrong for some weird reason. Even if I do end up letting him get his way and we find out, we won't tell anyone. So if you're worried about too much pink or blue or you don't want to ruin the surprise for anyone else, just don't tell anyone. Easier said than done when your kids know, I realize.

post #7 of 38

I would rather know but not tell due to the gendered BS, but we made the mistake of telling MIL we would probably find out, and now she is acting like a freaking pitbull. She got out of us when our appointment was (this Friday), so now if we decide not to tell, it's going to be a huge thing. I really don't understand why this is so important to her. She already has 7 grandkids, 3 boys and 4 girls. She is also prone to things like commenting to DH's cousin that her 1-year-old was "all boy," and going on and on about how it's good for girls to be "petite." I am not looking forward to this.

 

I guess the bottom line is that apparently I am weak and care too much what MIL thinks, or we would just say forget it and not tell her... smile.gif

 

ETA: In response to the original question (which I was considering before getting sidetracked on my rant, LOL), I guess I never really struggled with the decision... not really. In an ideal world I think it would be best not to know, but I know I am too weak (this seems to be a theme with me) to resist finding out when the ultrasound is right there in front of me. DH also wants to know, so he'd be no help.

post #8 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by scowgirl View Post

I would rather know but not tell due to the gendered BS, but we made the mistake of telling MIL we would probably find out, and now she is acting like a freaking pitbull. She got out of us when our appointment was (this Friday), so now if we decide not to tell, it's going to be a huge thing. I really don't understand why this is so important to her. She already has 7 grandkids, 3 boys and 4 girls. She is also prone to things like commenting to DH's cousin that her 1-year-old was "all boy," and going on and on about how it's good for girls to be "petite." I am not looking forward to this.



If you don't mind lying to her, "baby didn't cooperate" is a TOTALLY valid excuse. I didn't get to find out my #2 until I went back for yet another ultrasound... she didn't cooperate in showing between her legs and they also thought they saw liquid in her kidneys or something like that... had to recheck the kidneys and got to find out her gender.

post #9 of 38

We've been pretty set on not finding out every time. This will be our seventh surprise baby. In my experience, the older siblings who are set on either a boy or girl get so overwhelmed with the magic of seeing the new baby that they don't mind as much at the time. I've even had a couple times where the sister was ADAMANT she was having a sister and I really worried how she'd react if it's a boy...then when she met her baby brother she said, "I KNEW it would be a boy". Um...no you totally didn't, but I'm glad you're happy! They adjust well and will love him/her. 

So do what you want, deep in your heart. If it's to find out or not. Whether you find out at the birth or before hand, it will be wonderful and exciting. <3

post #10 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by BigMamaBear View Post

So do what you want, deep in your heart. If it's to find out or not. Whether you find out at the birth or before hand, it will be wonderful and exciting. <3



 I think that pretty much sums it up!

post #11 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by scowgirl View Post

I would rather know but not tell due to the gendered BS, but we made the mistake of telling MIL we would probably find out, and now she is acting like a freaking pitbull. She got out of us when our appointment was (this Friday), so now if we decide not to tell, it's going to be a huge thing. I really don't understand why this is so important to her. She already has 7 grandkids, 3 boys and 4 girls. She is also prone to things like commenting to DH's cousin that her 1-year-old was "all boy," and going on and on about how it's good for girls to be "petite." I am not looking forward to this.

 

 

We were so worried about this with #1, especially with my (very traditional) ILs and the likelihood that they'd flood us with gendered clothes/toys/gear. I was very angry in advance about this possibility and strongly determined to keep things from being "gendered" at all ("my son will never wear blue/play with cars/etc"). Well, honestly, after raising two kids so far, and like many aspects of parenting, I've learned to let it go. In our family, we model gender equity and resist the pressures of trivial gendering (we never told our son he couldn't wear pink or dresses or play with dolls--he's done all of these things), but it doesn't bother me nearly as much as I thought it would (and as it once did) when the ILs send cars for ds and dolls for dd in their gift boxes. The kids are thrilled, and they each play (separately and together) with one another's toys (yesterday they were playing some sort of complicated game that involved dd's Hello Kitty figures being fighter pilots in ds's airplane), so I'm much less uptight about the whole thing than I used to be. ds does wear a lot of blue, because he looks awesome in it, and yes, dd does wear pink (even though I personally hate pink and never wear it), but it's not like an absolute rule.

 

So... TL;DR: the upshot is: don't invest too much energy in being uptight about these things now. Do what you can to ensure healthy gender identities and attitudes, but understand that this good work of parenting isn't going to be undone the moment someone gives your dd a baby doll or buys your son a shirt with a truck on it smile.gif. Just my two cents.
 

 

post #12 of 38

I take your point (and I can gatekeep, especially while the LO is a baby, by opting not to dress the baby in something like a silly gendered message t-shirt even if someone gives it as a gift) but I mainly think MIL is going to annoy the crap out of me with this stuff. It seems to be sort of a matter of principle with her--beyond just thoughtlessly buying trucks for boys and dolls for girls, she seems very insistent that girls and boys each be a certain way--and it's really irritating. Certainly, there is no way to keep all gender influences out of a child's life (and it probably wouldn't be a good idea even if you could) but at least this would buy me 5 more months of not wanting to punch her. wink1.gif

 

I'm OK with the lying (good idea, MaerynPearl!) but I doubt DH will be.

 

Sorry, didn't mean to derail the thread...

post #13 of 38
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by scowgirl View Post

 

Sorry, didn't mean to derail the thread...



Don't apologize! Venting and discussion are great. That's why we're all here.

 

I wish that my boy had been caught up in the magic with his second sister. He was right next to me as I birthed her, and we let him check her gender. He just kind of drooped and took DH's hand and said, "well girl team has 3 now, and boy team only has 2." if it wasn't so funny it would have been super sad! I think all those well meaning people who asked him what he thought it would be, or what he hoped for kind of made him think he had put in his order and a boy should be forthcoming. Of course we had talked about it, but sometimes the heart wants and just isn't rational.

 

Anyway, thanks for your personal experiences with it. I still have a few weeks to decide, and knowing me it'll decide while I'm on the table.

 

post #14 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by onemomma View Post

 I think all those well meaning people who asked him what he thought it would be, or what he hoped for kind of made him think he had put in his order and a boy should be forthcoming. 

 



I have a feeling mine will be similarly disappointed if they don't get the boy they are expecting to get. But they will be 7 and 9 by that point... more than old enough to learn that life doesn't always give you what you want. (Well they already know this, but yet another life lesson won't hurt!)

 

I'm just hoping my youngest doesn't end up upset over the new baby... she's only going to be 22 months or so.

post #15 of 38

We aren't finding out, and DD seems perfectly happy calling baby "brother or sister" when talking about it. We didn't find out with her either, but didn't have another child to prep for her arrival. I just think finding out, no matter when, is a joy and for us waiting works.

post #16 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by scowgirl View Post

I take your point (and I can gatekeep, especially while the LO is a baby, by opting not to dress the baby in something like a silly gendered message t-shirt even if someone gives it as a gift) but I mainly think MIL is going to annoy the crap out of me with this stuff. It seems to be sort of a matter of principle with her--beyond just thoughtlessly buying trucks for boys and dolls for girls, she seems very insistent that girls and boys each be a certain way--and it's really irritating. Certainly, there is no way to keep all gender influences out of a child's life (and it probably wouldn't be a good idea even if you could) but at least this would buy me 5 more months of not wanting to punch her.


Yeah, to be honest (and despite my serene and patient post above), it does still annoy the crap out of me when the ILs say stupidly gendered things. Which they do all.the.time. More than the gifts, which can more easily be "lost" or repurposed...those comments, man (and even though they're inherently sweet, my ILs share your MIL's obsession with enforcing these things--wtf is up with that?!?!). But I think what makes it easier for me is that they (we) now live a thousand miles away, so I'm not subjected to this very often! (Serenity now...)
post #17 of 38

I did not want to find out this time. It's our last and I found out with my other kids. But hubby really wanted to know and both kids were really set on the baby sharing their genders... so we found out. And I am glad. Because DD is PISSED that this baby is a boy and it's better that she is so mad now and not when he gets here. She has gone from flat out irate to irritated, so we're getting there lol. 

post #18 of 38

We're finding out, and the decision was very easy for us. We have three sons and this is a late and unexpected baby after 11 years of trying and giving up several years ago. I'd like to say that I don't care if its a boy or girl but to be honest, I would love to have a daughter and I think my husband would also like to have a daughter and we won't have another chance for that. That being said, I won't feel disappointed at having a boy or feel any differently about the baby, but would like some time to just kind of process the emotions of the idea of never having a daughter. Someone was talking about it another thread and said that for her it was like "separate emotional buckets" and that really hits home. I don't want to have any conflict with those emotions during a time when I want to focus all my love and energy on a new baby. I feel a whole lot like that makes me sound like a selfish jerk and I hope I'm not sending out the wrong message, but yes... I want to know as soon as I can (maybe Monday, if babe is cooperating!). Also, as much as I don't want any gender differences playing a role in my shopping, I know it's inevitable that I'll be picking things that are most likely going to have a more feminine edge if it is a girl. I have a thing for little vintage dresses and sunhats.

 

The other part of it is that because we have all boys, the pressure has been NON-STOP from everyone. Friends, family, strangers. That's the first question people ask, the first comment they make- "I hope you have a girl!" or "I bet you're hoping for a girl!". I know people mean well but I'd really just like to get it out of the way if it's another boy. You know- that terrible disappointment that I'm going to cause for everyone by not having a daughter? Because apparently it wouldn't be as good to have a healthy, beautiful little boy.  Grrrrrrrr.... sorry. End of rant. Yes, we're finding out. ROTFLMAO.gif

post #19 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shinyredstar View Post

We're finding out, and the decision was very easy for us. We have three sons and this is a late and unexpected baby after 11 years of trying and giving up several years ago. I'd like to say that I don't care if its a boy or girl but to be honest, I would love to have a daughter and I think my husband would also like to have a daughter and we won't have another chance for that. That being said, I won't feel disappointed at having a boy or feel any differently about the baby, but would like some time to just kind of process the emotions of the idea of never having a daughter. Someone was talking about it another thread and said that for her it was like "separate emotional buckets" and that really hits home. I don't want to have any conflict with those emotions during a time when I want to focus all my love and energy on a new baby. I feel a whole lot like that makes me sound like a selfish jerk and I hope I'm not sending out the wrong message, but yes... I want to know as soon as I can (maybe Monday, if babe is cooperating!). Also, as much as I don't want any gender differences playing a role in my shopping, I know it's inevitable that I'll be picking things that are most likely going to have a more feminine edge if it is a girl. I have a thing for little vintage dresses and sunhats.

 

The other part of it is that because we have all boys, the pressure has been NON-STOP from everyone. Friends, family, strangers. That's the first question people ask, the first comment they make- "I hope you have a girl!" or "I bet you're hoping for a girl!". I know people mean well but I'd really just like to get it out of the way if it's another boy. You know- that terrible disappointment that I'm going to cause for everyone by not having a daughter? Because apparently it wouldn't be as good to have a healthy, beautiful little boy.  Grrrrrrrr.... sorry. End of rant. Yes, we're finding out. ROTFLMAO.gif


I really do hope you get your girl! Let us know what happens! My father in-law and his second wife had two sons and decided to try for one last one and they were really really really wanting a girl and they knew it was their last try -- it ended up being another boy! They love him all the same, of course, but I know his wife was really sad about it at first. She was really wishing for another girl around the house. 

 

post #20 of 38

No, I haven't struggled at all. I think because I have no patience to wait and see. Plus my daughter is really excited to find out and she seems pretty convinced that since she's prayed to God about her needing a girl, God now knows what she needs and will give it. orngtongue.gif I'm not sure where exactly she learned that you could pray to God and ask him for things, but she seems to think that if you do: it's set in stone. We're Christian, but I haven't taught her much honestly and other than being christened after birth, the only other time she's been to church was for Pascha last year. So, now that I've got it through to her that we cannot possibly have a baby that looks like Kai-Lan (we're not Chinese winky.gif), I figure I might as well know whether or not I need to break the ice that God doesn't always give us everything we ask for. shy.gif

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