The Wait ...

[babymouse]

We had the meeting with the social worker the other day about the baby that is in our care. The question came up about adopting her, I said oh yes of course I want to adopt her. They said that they can not say what the out come will be as it gets up in other workers hands (adoption part of C.A.S)

 Although she has been with us since 5 weeks old this waiting for the answer is so hard. if the answer comes back as no then she will be removed from my home. We are the only people that this little one knows to her we are her family. She is almost 10 months old. She has seen her bio mom about 25 times since birth although my door has been open to her as we were doing this as a kinship home until she went through the process of gaining things and knowledge and have her back in her care. Poor girl went back to her old ways and now everything is back up in the air.

 How do you deal with this ? How do you deal with the unknown. This happens often in foster care and wow it is hard.

Thank you for allowing me to express myself on here as I do not really like to talk to my kids about it I feel that it put fears in them and that is not a pretty site when everyone in the house is on edge .

[othermother109]

Oh my, I remember this feeling so well. My son came to me at 3 weeks old and it was love at first site, even though I knew that there was a reunification plan in place. It was agonizing. I can't sugarcoat it for you and pretend that it gets easier. And I remember having those same thoughts and feelings about the fact that I was the only mother he ever knew. What would it do to him to separate from me and go back to a woman he barely knew?

How do you deal with this? I can't tell you except that I just kept making it through one day at a time loving my baby as if there were no tomorrow. I held onto some wise words from a teacher in the foster education program: every day that you give your baby love and safety will always be with her and will help make who she becomes.

In my case, while I'm not a very religious person, I had a turning point when it seemed like there was some sort of higher power nearby. One night when I was lying in bed agonizing over the posibility of losing him, I resolved that I could accept whatever was best for my son. It sounds so simple as I write that, but it was a powerful experience. I just let go of the agonizing and let what would be, be. I still was afraid; I still cried; but once I realized that I had no power over how things turned out, it became easier to accept.

The waiting is awful, but the reward is so great that it's worth it and I would do it again to have my sweet, sweet son. I was able to adopt my boy at 20 months. He's six and half now and the light of my life.

I hope you'll keep posting and let us share some of this with you. Many of us have gone through it and can identify with what you're feeling.

[RedOakMomma]

Hugs to you-- I think many moms here have been in similar experiences.  I hope more of them chime in. 

[babymouse]

It is a pretty scary time right now , even the phone ringing is unpleasant for us . I started this out as a kinship home however the mother does not show any interest so I had told them that I want to adopt her if that ever comes up , then they started to do the paper work that day but they can not say for sure if it will happen or not. My tummy turns thinking about it. I try to be understanding for the wait however I am not that cool with waiting by the phone .

[ElsieKorson]

I have a question for you gals! I love listening (reading) your stories, it gives me alittle gleam of hope that maybe a little child wil find their way into our lives and our hopw. However I am alittle frustrated and please throw some feedback my way with no holds back! My husband and I became lisenced foster parents in January. Durng:eat the whole process or caseworker would call and try to "motivate" us to hurry with paperwork by saying oh we just got a referral for 4 yr old twin boys and 3yr old sister, or I have a 8 month baby I could send you way if you were done with paperwork and so on, you kind of get the idea. So now that we got our lisence we completely excited and can't wait for a little one in our lives and home and to take that journey with him or her and where ever it may take them, but how long are we going t have to wait! This waiting is killing us however id nver wis kids into foste care but come on I know there's kids out there that need a good home! Advice? Please?

[ElsieKorson]

I apologize for the errors I'm typing from my phone my husbands hordi:eyesrollng the computer tonight!

[othermother109]

ElsieKorson: The waiting for placement was also SO hard. I remember I kept trying not to bother the education director (and heart and soul of our county's foster care group) with my worries, but then I would just have to drop an e-mail and ask, plaintively, When?  And then, that call comes and you can't believe it's really happening. I got the call for my youngest son, and 20 minutes later I was buckling him into the car seat. It was unreal and wonderful and exciting, all at the same time. Hang in there. It will happen.

babymouse:  Sweetie, just hang in. When you said above "your tummy turns" wow, that took me right back. It doesn't get easier but it will go by. I wish I had stronger words or greater wisdom to share! There are so many of us that know something of what you're going through and we are pulling for you.

[babymouse]

It really helps knowing thatt people understand this crazy emotions . lol feels like I'm waiting to have the baby.. I as well love reading about other peoples experiences. 

[ElsieKorson]

Othermother -thanks so much for the reply! I just keep bugging my case worker and im hopeing that the squeaky wheel gets the grease kind of effect!

Also i was going to post on a seperate thread but then thought about why not here. I was watching " Real Housewifes of Atlanta" on tv tonight (i know, roll your eyes right).These women go to south africa and visited a orphanage, it was completely moving, however it made me think, being foster parents (even though I havent had any placements yet) it truely a wonderful thing. We are taking children into our homes that need love, guidence, protection, security and truely changing their world. I mean its not like these thought havent crossed my mind before but it only really brought them to light, maybe better put, "put them into perspective." It was very moving for me to see these children who have so little be so happy and forgiving to the women, their caregivers, and the people who protect them after everything they have gone thought at their young age. (they visited a kindergarden) These children were singing and loving on these women just as if the world never have turned their backs on them. These children dont have families, homes, parents, toys of their own but yet are so resilent (not sure if thats spelled right), it just blows my mind and give me hope that my husband and I and our families can have that big of a impact on a little person out there. And provide them with a life altering experience of what it should have been like from the beginning!  >sigh< Thats my food for thought tonight, i just thought id share that!

[othermother109]

Elsie, that was a lovely thought and I'm glad you shared it. It's such a good thing to hold onto when you get frustrated or afraid. Even if a child only comes to you for a day, you are giving them love and a memory, no matter how small, that there is goodness in the world. Please let us know how things are working out. I'd love to share the excitement of the call!

[babymouse]

Here is a a update:

 Nothing really has changed ad it feels even harder right now. The babies bio mom went to for a meeting and they told her that she had betterget a lawyer. I still have not heard from them as well about anything. I really am not to sure how normal this is , I did figure out that hearing the wordds " I can't say if this is going to happen or not" has made me very scared. The other thing that is scary about this is they always forget about things, I"m trying to get her Native Status and I have to have there help in this however I have to call them non stop to get the answers of how far they are in obtaining the proper I.D . As well the Temp agreement is coming to a end so will they have a answer by hen or will they contact me whenever . It is just so confussing to me about all of this. LOL and waiting wow I have never been a calm person to sit around and wait .

 Today I am going down to the court house with the bio parents to get Custody of the baby , I did mention this to the agancie and they said that it was a good idea to do this . One really good thing is that Bio mom and dad had stated in the meeting yesterday was that they wanted the baby to remain with me and not to leave my care. I know that they still have a say in this as well.

 Foster to adopt is such a hard thing to do .

 Thank you to everyone that has shared there stories and told me to hang in there . It helps a lot to beable to come here and read aboutother people's stories when they go through things like this.

[christophersmom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by babymouse 
One really good thing is that Bio mom and dad had stated in the meeting yesterday was that they wanted the baby to remain with me and not to leave my care. I know that they still have a say in this as well.

I remember all too well your feelings. Our first foster daughter they asked us if we'd be willing to adopt before she was even placed with us and of course we said yes, but it was never 100% sure until after she was with us.

The second one was foster and then they started talking if xyz happens will you adopt. We said yes again but it was hard to not know.

Our second baby her parents relinquished specifically to us which us why I highlighted what you saod above. Can the SW start talking to them about specific relinquishment to you to adopt?

[babymouse]

They are willing only if they can not have her in there care . The workers are lookinginto everything and havecalled metoday with a few questions , they have have my past child welfare check and my oldest daughter is on that one . So that is positive . lol I am grasping for anything .   

[Smithie]

Please keep us updated, babymouse. 

 ...it made me think, being foster parents (even though I havent had any placements yet) it truely a wonderful thing. We are taking children into our homes that need love, guidence, protection, security and truely changing their world. I mean its not like these thought havent crossed my mind before but it only really brought them to light, maybe better put, "put them into perspective." It was very moving for me to see these children who have so little be so happy and forgiving to the women, their caregivers, and the people who protect them after everything they have gone thought at their young age. (they visited a kindergarden) These children were singing and loving on these women just as if the world never have turned their backs on them.

It's so amazing, isn't it? We've only had two brief foster placements, and we went into the process really strongly wanting to adopt rather than foster - but while we're still open to adopting, fostering again has moved to the top of our priority list. Both of our foster sons had some nontrivial behavioral problems (and those kids in the orphanage certainly have their own set of off-camera challenges), but yes, it's amazing to see how much a traumatized child can enjoy life, and how much genuine affection they can give, once they're in a stable environment. Nothing you have to give is wasted on them.

[othermother109]

I wish I could say the waiting gets easier, but it doesn't. Just keep posting so you can have a place to vent where everyone understands and truly feels for you.

[ElsieKorson]

This waiting is going to just kill me! >acts out dieing< But seriously i have been buggin my case worker every monday for over a month now! UGH! My goal I set for my husband and I last year when we started this process was to have a child in our home by easter. When we set that goal we were so heart broken because of everything we had gone through with failed fertility treatments and talking about adoption and having one door slammed in our face after another! We have learned so much since then I cant even express to you gals how much of a journey this has been, definetly eye opening and educational but totally wonderful! We only hope that this journey continues and we get a placement soon!!! I have even considered calling another agency and sayin, hey were already foster parents through "this place" and would it be crazy to also be a foster parent with you or SOMETHING!

Babymouse- It sounds like your storys totally confusing but i give you major props girl! You keep your head high and keep up the great work! Also keep us updated about what happens!

[IncompetentHousewife]

babymouse, I can understand how you're feeling right now. I agree with the poster who said to take each day one at a time and just continue to give your baby love. That is a gift that will last forever, no matter what happens with the adoption. I see that you're in Canada. I'm in the US, so I am not familiar with how your process works. I know that waiting was hard for me.

We were asked to take our baby when he was 2 weeks old and recovering in the hospital from a rough birth. A week later, we got to bring him home from the hospital and he has been with us ever since. He also knew no other home. He will turn 2 years old soon and we're still waiting for the adoption because of some paperwork issues. We have known for a  year that he will be ours forever, so I'm no longer nervous. We did wait that whole first year of his life, though, never knowing if he would stay or go. At first it was almost hard to allow myself to fall in love with him just in case he had to go back. Of course he's so charming that it was impossible not to fall in love with his sweet baby self, so that solved that.

There were times in the case where things looked great and looked like it was almost certain we'd get to keep him in our family. Other times the tide started to change and the birthmother started doing what she was supposed to do, legal issues looked like they would go their way.

Some kids do go back though, and that must be harder than I can imagine having not experienced it. Sometimes people find a way to stay in the child's life. Some don't. Sometimes the child ends up back because they've come back into foster care. Sometimes they don't. I've always thought it must feel like grieving a death to have a child you've raised as your own end up not being with you any longer. I guess the only thing that makes me want to keep accepting foster placements is the fact that humans are able to move on past grief even when things turn out not the way we like. I guess it's the fact that babies and children need good homes for as long as they can get them, and they deserve to be loved no matter what.

[ElsieKorson]

Well still totally frustrated and the waiting continues!! We also have discussed and have decided after much research and talking to people, to adopt. However we refuse to let our foster lisence go to waste! I had a conversation with a lady last week about adopting through their agency but i do have questions about how do i know what agency is "good." This lady seemed very knowledgable and also she was the founder of this agency and its small, its just her and 2 other part time people, she said she wants to keep it small and personable. She also mentioned, because when i called inquiring about adopting i told her we were lisenced foster parents with no placements yet, she did say she also works for another agency that does fostering and she wants to merge her agency with them. She also herself was going through the process of getting her foster lisence and she kept sayin to me, Oh id just love to steal you two for our agency. I explained to her that we want to foster so bad but also adopt outright or adopt through the foster system or BOTH! But how do I know she isnt full of crap and just feeding me a pile of crap that she knows i want to hear? Also near us we have bethany christian services that are SO well known and very good at what they do. So what is a family to do? What agency? Take a risk and go with the smaller agency and possibly switch foster lisence to them to get kids in our home or go with the well known angecy? Either way we know that switching our foster lisence would be our choice they wouldnt make us but just i guess we had a misconception when it came to foster parent needs. We thought and this is exactly what we thought, fill out a ton of paperwork (getting excited), send in paperwork to state (totally stoked), get lisence back (heavens sing and light shows through the tunnel of thinking we will never be parents), then ............ (excitement turns into a round of frustration and a few bad words) priceless lol sorry couldnt help myself! Some adivce and insight about adoption agency info would be great! Or just wise words! Always love you ladies and your words to the wise!

[othermother109]

Incompetent Housewife. I take issue with your name choice. Your essay above is beautiful and I cannot see ANY signs that "incompetent" is a good name for you. I'm so glad it's working out for you with your baby. That's such a great feeling when you know they will stay with you.

Elsie, frustration should be in the definition of being a foster-adopt parent. I know I had my share and probably drove my worker and my friends nuts when I was waiting for placement. I can't tell you much about agencies since I was a county-licensed foster parent (California) except, in my county, children who come into care, including the babies, are placed first with county-licensed parents, and only if there is no county-licensed home do they go to an agency. Maybe this is something that goes on in other counties/states, but I really don't know. If I were going into fostering with the intent to adopt, I would get licensed through the county. Make as many connections with people as you can. Get involved in any foster parent organization. Not only is it a great way to meet people and provide a service to the community, but then you know the people who will be making the placements, and they know you. Good luck with your journey.

Babymouse, any news?

[babymouse]

I have not heard anything yet .. will write more on this tonight .