The Wait ... - Page 2

[babymouse]

Hi All .

 Well so I have a update and to me it is killing me so much.

As I think you all know or at least I hope that I have said I am a kinship home with a 10 month old baby girl. She has been with me since the age of 5 weeks old as well when she was in foster care for te 5 weeks I had 3 visits per week.

 The mother has been in and out of her life since day 1 and I have to saddly admit that she was my friend until this all started. Today the father went for his appointment and he was informed that the adoptive parents of her other 2 kids have saidthey are interested in adopting this one as well and they are considering this. I am very upset about this because I have always been under the impression that I was going to beadopting her if she can not return to to her bio parents. I really want to fight this as I have always been there from day 1 as well as my kids have been there , we love this little girl with all that we are and we are al very sad to hear this. The saddest thing is that I heard it from the father and not the agency itself. I have always been honest and upfront about everything I have ever done and my intentions of my future.

 The thing that hurts the most was that I wanted to have these kids all know eachother because they are family and I am a big strong believer in family. I have requested play dates with the kids and I was told no because they would be sad to know that there is another child out there that there mother does not want to take care of. I'm sitting here trying not to to cry and to be strong and trying to think of anything that I can do to keep this love doll in my care. I am also wanting a meeting with everyone involved because the dad and mom has stated to keep her in my care. The mother and father are not together and the father knows that he can not look after a baby on his own. he does not want to see this happen at all. It seems like the workers involved are wanting her here as well, they told him that they are going to be talking on my behalf. it is now all up to the supervisor someone that does not know has never met me and in the past 10.5 months has talked to me on the phone 2 times .

 If anyone has any suggestions on what I can do it would be so wonderful.

Right now I am getting letters from family and friends as well letters from both the bio moms and dads side of the family to say how I am with them and how I keep them involved in this all.

Thanking everyone !!

babymouse 

[Smithie]

So sorry about all this, babymouse. 

One thing to think about with those letters - it would probably be better for the letters you ask for focus on how happy well and happy your DFD is, and how much she had bonded with you, and how much ti would trauimatize her to be taken from you - rather than on how much contact you have with the birthfamily. If your agency is considering moving your DFD to an adoptive placement with parents who are so against contact that they have even refused sibling contact between their children and your DFD, then it's possible that your agency doesn't really prioritize ongoing contact, and/or thinks it's a bad idea in this particular case. 

I'm not saying don't have contact. I'm saying, everybody needs to be smart about this and tell the agency what you think they want to hear. 

[babymouse]

Thank you for the advice !! I will do that in the letters.

Update !

 Today I had a case conference with C.A.S.  The file that was open in my name ( due to father of son and him living there) is going to be closed, So that is very good news for this case. They said that it was a strike against me. I did talk to my sons lawyer today when we were done and he said that he was going to talk to them for me about this as it does not malke sence to him at all.

 I have talked to the mother again and the father and they are willing to go to court and sign custody over. I have to start this process so I am doing it on Monday morning.

Exciting day today . I am still going to be doing all my other plans as well , like the letters , getting a lawyer and such.

[Smithie]

Great update!

No matter what happens, it's nothing but a good thing that the birth parents have chosen you, and want to sign custody over to you. That's a strong first step towards a healthy and open adoption.

[ElsieKorson]

So, IM SO FRUSTRATED!!! GRRR ... So finally we get a what seems to be a very good referral and we were so excited! The child was alittle older than what we wanted but talked it over and decided that maybe it would be a good thing, read through all the paperwork. We emailed the caseworker back within hours of receiveing the referral. The case worker emailed us back and said okay ill call you tomorrow with any questions or concerns, great! Heared from her today and we were talking and this seemed like something we could really handle especially being our first placement, she said great ill call the child caseworker and set up a meeting and then we can discuss further when the switch of foster parents can happen!!! Then she called me back well, this child has been in 4 different foster homes in a year, and no one seems to want the child and now the court is talking about placement in residental living place (group home). And i was totally blown away because none of the paperwork sais anything about 4 foster homes it only talked about 1, it never said anything about this child being placed "possibly" in a group home instead a HOME! So my frustrated totally Po'ed wondering if my agency knows what their doing question is, Is this uncommon? Is it uncommon for a angecy not to have all the paperwork straight in the way of not the "WHOLE STORY?" So now if we dont get this child are we going to have to wait another 3 months for them to dangle another child in our faces and be like," oh hey we have another referral" and we say yeah and then go," oh sorry the court has other ideas, or we dont have the story straight and their a terror child!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  Im so ready to go looking for another agency!!!!!! HELP! ADVICE, INSIGHT!!! SOMETHING!!!!!

[babymouse]

Had a meeting with the agency and they informed me that they have to do a social history on my family. They are not going to look at giving the chid back to the mother now. Like always the relationship between myself and the mother is on the outs again due to her lifestyle.

 one thing that is getting me very scared is that the Spw said a few times in the conversation that it may not go in my favour but he is building a case for me .

Does anyone know how I can help,get tbis case stronger ? The baby has a older sister and a older brother that was adopted and the people that had adopted them are interested in adopting her as well . 

My heart will be so broken if ir came back that the baby was leaving my home .

[lauren]

One idea would be to focus on the strong attachment that she has developed with you. A lot more folks know more about attachment than they used to and they are more aware that if they mess with the attachment relationship they are asking for trouble. So you don't want to sound as though she can't do without you, but you may want to highlight the developmental stage she is in, and how she has come to depend upon and trust that you are there for her. That she has attached to you as the only mother she's really "known" so far.

[babymouse]

Thank you so much !! I  am going to be writing things down before the next meeting and this is one thing for sure I will be bringing up . My other worker mentioned today about the changes this love doll has brought into our lives and she thought that her being in my care was not a good idea , 11 months later she said she made a mistake by saying that . It felt great hearing that and hearing her give me advise . 

[Smithie]

Any news, babymouse? 

We got a call today for a placement that I think would have been wonderful even though temporary - but we're seriously involved in a festival this weekend that attracts 2,000 people, and it wasn't going to work to add a traumatized 7 y.o. to the family today. I said yes for Monday, and he has overnight weekend visitation with his parents, so maybe it will work out after all and he'll come to us. I love the idea of fostering a child who has that level of access to his parents and a good chance of going home soon. I think we'd be a good way station for him - and a strong advocate if it emerges that either the overnight visitation or the quick RU is not a smart move. 

[ElsieKorson]

I've got news! After all the frustration and waiting we finally got our very first placement. We got a call for 2 boys that are brothers, they are alittle older than we had hoped but figured we had to start somewhere. We have had them 2 weeks today and it has been one heck of a ride, and holy crap let me tell you, its been one heck of a ride. They are 8 and 11 and we are a young couple and were hopeing for a younger placement but took these guys on and then as soon as we decided to take them my husband had to go away for 2 weeks with work, so i was thrown into the shark tank and had the thought of, well guess ill sink or swim! So far im still swimming and going some what strong since my meltdown on wednesday! We had them over spring break and my husband was here to help me and then that following monday he left for two weeks just in time for the "honeymoon" period to come to a startling reality of their a little comfortable now and the older one started acting out. I started questions if this is right for me, am i doing things right, i've never had kids before what the heck am i doing and lastly, can i even do this? It has been tough without my husband around but i have held on the ranes (spell check) and havent bucked off this wild ride yet. I get moments of thoughts such as yep i can do this but then reality hits when their naughty and im like im am sooooo not equipted for this. I guess I was hopeing for that instant attatchment i read about in some of the blogs but these boys are still very attatched to their family and i get compared to their grandma and aunt alot and thats kind of a blow to my ego. But i have learned to take the little things and cherish those, such as the thank you's and will you read us a book tonight. I still am learning how these kids tick and what will crack that thick outter shell they have built up over there young childhood and hopefully help them break that down to trust again. These boys have alot of bagage and i cant imagine what they have seen or been through in their young lifes but i only hope this time in our home, however long it is, will be a good experience for them and a loving one.

[babymouse]

The only news I have is that they are looking for a perm plan for her. They are starting a home study on me tomorrow ( should have been last week but did not happen because the worker forgot !!!!)

They also told me that to be warned that I might not get the adoption. I was worried after that as we are so attached to her.
I worry because since this was so fast in happening, I quit my job to stay home with her and after the E.I ran out I had to go on social assistance . I am looking again for work because this Saturday she will be ! OMG ALREADY !! Does anyone on here know how this will effect the home study ? I don't even have faith in them , like really they can forget a meeting like that and answer there phone and be like oh sorry I forgot !! This whole year has been nothing but ups and many many downs, I do not know how many more downs I can take. I have done nothing but given and given to the bio parents only to have them come back non stop wanting more and if I do not do what they want they say that they will have her removed . This last time and this is why it is so hard now I did not allow that to scare me and I just said have at her do what you need to do and way to go for looking out for the best interest of your child.

Again today I got a call and they have decided to put off doing the social background of me (home study) as they have to do the DNA test fist. So now it should be put off for a few weeks.

How do people deal with so much up's and downs in there lives like this ? I find it so unsettling .

[Smithie]

Congratulations, Elsie! That's quite a way to start off! Sink or swim indeed!

I don't know how people deal with all the uncertainty, babymouse. I certainly don't deal with it well, and I've never had the credible prospect of an adoption in front of me. 

My little guy's situation is still up in the air. He might go home, might come here, might continue in his current placement... so I'm waiting. 

[ElsieKorson]

I need to run some things by you great people! So with my new placement, no one informed me, or knew how about this issue im having with my little guy. I enrolled the boys in school last week, they went to school 2 days then the weekend, then they started fresh this week. When he got here i noticed his speech as far as full sentances and proper work placement is totally off, sentances such as , when is we gunna be here, where are your car at, and i have learned to read between the lines and put it all together to make sence of it all. Now that he has started school it has only become worse, he cant hardly write, spell, count, or he will use the excuse ,"Oh i forgot!" Hes in second grade and will be in 3rd next year, i am very concerned about this and my social worker has been MIA and the school seems to think nothings wrong. When i try to help him or correct him his brother chimes in and makes fun of him so now when we do homework i have seperated them in different rooms as to not give the older one the opportunity to make fun. I am very concerned about his future and not sure what to do at this point, im not a teacher nor does he really want to listen to me. My husband and I have tried to really emphasize reading and quiet time before bed when we read to them or give them a opportunity to read to us, which has been a good thing but then again his brother pokes fun when he messes up. I was just wondering if anyone has had any similar situations or any advice!

[queenjane]

You can ask the school for help until youre blue in the face and they will keep putting you off until you put your request in writing. When my daughter moved in at age 8, i knew something was really wrong. The teacher had a display of all the third grade students' stories (they all had the same thing, some story where they were given the first line and then wrote a few paragraphs on their own)....some students had perfect handwriting, others more messy, some were real writers, others just the basics...i could see there was a whole spectrum of writing abilities (both the actual mechanics of handwriting and also grammer, oh and also writing in terms of putting together an interesting fun colorful story)...and then there was DD's sample. I nearly started to cry because i KNEW which one was hers, of the 25+ plus ones posted...just by looking at it, i didnt have to look for her name. I just knew. It was nearly impossible to read it or make out what she was trying to say. CLEARLY something was wrong. I had asked and asked for an IEP...but it was only until i put it in writing that they acted. BY LAW they have to respond to you within a certain number of days or weeks (i forget)...once i made the request they assembled a "pre-IEP meeting" with both teachers, the school psychologist, social worker, speech therapist etc. The psychologist tried to pawn off her issues on changing schools so many times, being a foster kids, etc...he said "its not like we can just give her a test and determine there is a disability"....well lo and behold, he DID give her several tests, and she scored below her peers in all areas. He said the scores indicated a learning disability and they approved her to be pulled out to the resource room for extra help about six hours a week. The next year (which is this year) they (without me asking) bumped her up to full time resource room (the spec ed room) for ALL of the language arts curriculum. Currently they seem to not believe me when i say that she has a real math issue, so i have to decide to fight them on that or let it lay for now. Her writing and spelling abilities have improved A LOT. This year, there was the same sort of thing, writing samples on the wall, and hers wasnt too bad at all! Certainly didnt stand out as being so different from the others. So thats really great.

Sorry...that was really long. Um...how old is FS? when my daughter came, she mispronounced so much stuff, but much of that changed just by being in our family. She still has a very difficult time pronouncing certain words (fruit, freckles, world....) but doesnt need speech therapy any more.

If your gut is telling you this isnt just that he's a little behind but that he really needs help you are going to have to turn into one of those bitchy mom advocates . You will very likely have to have the caseworker sign off on stuff like IEPs and she may even need to be there with you. I dunno, our placement was foster but with the sole plan of adoption and the agency let me handle everything, but the school did require that i have the agency sign some stuff as technically the state was the guardian at that point.
 

[Smithie]

Yup, put it in writing. But realistically, you are not going to get interventions put in place before the end of the school year. This stuff takes time. You should definitely set the process in motion ASAP.

However... the speech patterns you describe are not necessarily indicative of a learning disability. Half the kids in my son's class use those grammatical patterns. It's what they hear at home. As long as the grammatical patterns are internally consistent, there's no reason to assume that your DFS has an expressive language disorder.

You still need to fix it, of course, because part of your job as a foster parent is to provide the tools for increased academic success. Read good books to him. A lot. Make sure that you speak correctly to him and that every adult you expose him to is also modeling proper grammar.

Same thing with the academics. Just because he needs remediation doesn't mean he is disabled. He has probably never had an adult in his life who expected him to learn. The best thing you an do while you're waiting for the professionals at the school to do something is to get a very detailed notion of the state standards for a rising third grader, and spend a lot if time this summer helping your DFS to reach those standards. Jump Start Learning has some software that might be a good place to start if you are new to the homeschooling thing. If the problem is neglect, you may find that he makes progress very quickly.

[ElsieKorson]

QueenJane and Smithie thanks for the reply! I really appreciate it.

Smithie you had asked how old he was, he's 8. He seems very open to me or my mom helping him but with the older brother around me shuts down and loses focus and stops paying attention. He also has started getting in trouble at school for associating with the wrong crowd and talking out of turn. We try and correct his speech at home in a positive way without breaking his self confidence (which sometime he has to much of) and make him correct himself. We really also get on both of the boys about how important it is to do your homework and to focus in school, every day when I pick them up I ask, so what did you learn today at school? And of course you know, you go to school to learn nothing!!! I have been reading to them a lot and we try to help as much as we can but sometimes we just feel we have bitten off more than we can chew and just want to give up sometimes. We've even had people throw in our faces that just because we've never had kids before, what are you doing being foster parents! Its like they think you should have already had kids before you even think about being a foster parent, but its not about who's been a parent or parent of the year, its about helping these about these kids! Sorry don't mean to go off on a tangent but thanks so much for the help and I just have to say, you ladies are awesome! Xoxo

[Smithie]

I'm quite sure you've not bitten off more than you can chew - although you're learning the hard way that placing two siblings together has downsides as well as upsides. Negative patterns established in the home (or the last placement) carry forward. An 11-year-old is old enough to have internalized the (crazy, stupid, self-hating) notion that academic success is "acting white" or "getting all high-and-mighty" or whatever epithet you think might fit with their background. That's not a mindset that disappears overnight. 

If your 8-year-old is open to help when he's away from his brother, then homework time is separation time from now until things change. Remember to give your 11-year-old individualized attention as well - particularly from your husband. There are ages and stages where a male role just means the world to a kid. 

[Smithie]

The foster placement I was offered a few weeks ago wound up getting permission fro his GAL to go home 

Last night, we ran into our former foster son. He's back with his mom and has gained about 10 pounds. He was being very physically aggressive to the larger kids on the playground. I don't know what that's about and I hope he's OK. His mother said that he references stuff he did with us frequently and his memories of being in care are positive. She is thinking of suing social services for taking her kids away for a month without sufficient reason. Her nursing relationship with the youngest was irretrievable and she's very angry about that. 

[babymouse]

This has been such a hard long road !! I have just found out yesterday that Social Services is going to allow The baby to stay here however I must take the parents to court and gain the custody and access?. I have never heard of anything like this before. I really have no clue what this access is for ? Would anyone on here know ? As well when I get custody of her can the parents demand that I stay where I live now or can I move to another city ?

This is why I do not understand why I have to take the parents to court. It should be social services taking them to court not me to terminate there rights.

1- They took the baby from birth and placed her with me

2- They know her past and I do not

3- We are on again and off again talking to each other

I do have a lawyer , I am going to see him on Monday about this all.
But just really wondering if anyone on here has went through this at all and kinda calm my nerves down . Wow what a year this has been !!!