Changing family dynamics « Back to Group Discussions

[MamaInTheDesert]

I have to admit, this is something I'm a little concerned about. I don't want DD to feel slighted or left out in any way. She hasn't given any indicators that she will feel this way. In fact, she's super excited for the new baby and has been really into going through her old toys to help pick out ones that will be passed down to the new little one. But, I worry how she will feel when the new baby actually arrives and is sucking up a lot of the time that we spend together during the day. Also, I worry about my relationship with DH. DD is from a previous relationship, and she still has frequent contact with her bio-dad. Right now she goes to his house EOW and Wednesday dinners. These have typically been our "date nights" and time to re-connect with each other. With the new babe we will not have those scheduled times, and I'm worried that "our time" will fall to the wayside. Plus, how will DD feel about having to leave, and the baby staying here? Then there's the whole matter of vacations in the summer time. DD gets special vacation times with her bio-dad and with me. What will she feel about leaving for a week at a time without the new baby? And, what about time with DH? Last summer we used the vacation time DD had with bio-dad to go on our honeymoon to another country. It's petty, but it sucks to think that we won't do that again (just us) until the kiddos are both old enough to do summer camps together. I know these are all little things when compared to the idea that I am adding a NEW LIFE to our family, that is likely to bring SO much joy. It's just hard to see how it's all going to land when it all comes out. (Pun not intended.)

[Sarasyn]

My kids are from two different relationships too, though my kids haven't seen their biological father in nearly two years now.  When I got involved with my new boyfriend, that changed everything, but not necessarily in a bad way.  I kind of worried how dating would work and all of that when I had kids and no friends or family to take them so I could go on a real date, but we worked it out.  Now he and I are expecting our second child and he's got to deal with two older children from my previous relationship too.  I've known lots of families that have different dynamics, even ones where some kids go off to visit one dad every other weekend or for vacations and other similar arrangements.  It's all a matter of getting used to the new way things work.

Honestly, as for leaving without the new baby, for a lot of kids I've known it turns out to be a huge relief.  They get a break from having a baby in the house and they get to go somewhere that they're the center of attention.  On top of that, there's something special about having two dads, as I've often been reminded by kids with blended families that actually spend time with their biological dad.  It just becomes as normal of a part of life for them as it would for a family that only had two parents that never separated or divorced.  Children are really good at adapting.  Of course, there's always going to be an adjustment period, but I've noticed when new babies are added to the mix, a lot of older siblings really enjoy it, especially if they're old enough to help with the new baby.  My daughter, for example, was almost four when her closest brother was born and she wanted to do everything with the baby!  She still got some special time with me, but she wanted it less often than she wanted time with her new little brother.

As for you and the new dad, in a lot of ways that's going to be similar to adjusting to a new baby in the first place.  My boyfriend and I started having our own "date nights" at the house.  We'd make the kids dinner, send them to bed, and put the baby down to sleep, then we'd have a late dinner that was a little more romantic and watch a movie.  I learned with my first that having a very little baby along for a date night wasn't so bad either, given she slept most of the time we were out.  Unfortunately, I can't help you much on the vacation thing since there hasn't been a romantic getaway in my life since my daughter was born.  It's just one of those things you adjust to.  You'll just have to look towards other ways to connect with your partner.  Personally, I've found since the kids were born just hanging out on the porch and looking at the stars while talking about whatever comes to mind, or curling up on the couch for a movie is a great way to stay connected.  When we get a chance we go on walks together (though that doesn't happen very often) or my ex and I used to go on camping trips and spend some time together after the kids went to sleep.  It just means getting more creative about the ways you stay connected, but I've found it's actually brought my boyfriend and I even closer.  Instead of special date nights or romantic getaways, we find ways to stay connected throughout the day every day.  It actually feels like we're doing more each day to stay connected than we did when we had the option to drop the kids with a sitter for a night out.

It's definitely going to present some challenges in your lives, and I totally understand how hard that is to give up.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Honey, it just works out. You know? Some of these things will sort themselves out in ways which require NO thought or effort for you and some of these things will be really hard. You can't even really "plan" how you're going to make them "work"...they just will. I promise.

Right now you're in the swing of things in your life....you're just going to get in a new "swing". Before my DS came, I looked at my precious baby girl and while I was excited, I still thought to myself "What the hell am I doing, I'm ripping the perfect life my DD knows away from her and splitting my time and love in half!!!" - and it was hard to adjust at times...but what we lost in one-on-one time that I took for granted for the first 16 months of her life, we more than made up for, with the AMAZZZZING relationship she has with her brother. Granted, they are close in age....but I could never, with ANY amount of one-on-one time with her, EVER hope to give her half the benefits she gets from her relationship with her brother. They are as thick as thieves and seeing them together, playing and planning and crafting and sneaking around...it brings me more joy than I ever got hanging around with her alone, as sweet as some of those times were. I just can't be a brother/sister to her. I'm a "big mama"...he's a little boy. She cherishes him so much. She loves him, fusses over him, drags him around in her pretend games...I just can't be him. Not even close.

It's not double the work to have two....it's TRIPLE the work (at least for two kids 16-17 months apart)...but it's also not double the fun/love/joy...it's at LEAST seven times as much "awesome".

You will miss having alone time with your DH...but what you lose in alone time, you will make up for with the absolutely amazing experience of watching him parent a little one from day one...seeing your beloveds face in your little babys eyes and nose and mouth, will fill your heart with happiness. No matter how much he adores your DD, parenting a little one that is biologically his will be a bit different and very sweet to experience.

So...you know. It's life. A series of trade-offs. I tried my ASS off to plan and prepare for all of the shifts that were coming with the second kid....none of that prep really did anything for me, nor the worrying and fretting, because at the end of the day, I couldn't even conceptualize what it was that was really going to happen. Then, once it did happen, the things I thought would matter didnt matter as much as I thought and the things I didn't even think about were majorly stressful...haha. That's just the way it goes. Until you get there, you don't really see how your life is going to change and bend to accommodate this new person.

Everything is going to be better than fine...it's going to be great. Life is always changing and shifting...you have to try pretty hard to keep "normal" the norm for very long at this phase of life. What seems so out there and stressful to imagine now is going to be your "norm" some day very, very soon. After a short period of time, you won't even be able to remember having one any more....your second will be just as imprinted on your heart as your first and you will hardly remember, but for on the really tough days, that you ever had more time to spare....or more energy, etc.

Everything is going to be awesome, your DD is going to be SO happy to be a big sister. They will fight, they will drive you crazy...somedays it will be all you can do to keep them from killing each other....but they will love one another fiercely and be pals and you will never be sad that you did this. Neither will your DH.

[calapitters]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I could have written this post six years ago when DS was born.  DD1 was 5, she saw her paternal grandparents (bio dad is very unreliable) every weekend, and DH and I used that time to reconnect.  To be honest, we still miss that.  

BUT, it all worked out.  DD1 had a hard time leaving us after her new brother was born.  For school, for visits, even for special mom and me time!  But it passed quickly and she soon began to look forward to seeing her gp's, since that became a special time that only she had.  As for DS, it has always been this way for him, so when she goes on her vacations with her gp's, he understands.  He desperately misses her, but DH and I always plan at least one special family trip so he gets something special, too.  And it works.  I also like knowing that DD1 is getting lavished with attention over there, since she has to share so much of it here.  She's 11 now, so I count on her to help out with her siblings and chores.  She is the only grandchild on her father's side, so she is SPOILED.  Which is why I am glad that these days she only sees them a few times a year.  

DH and I now have "date nights" at home after all the kids are in bed a few times a month.  We live five hours away from most of our family and sitters are pricey, so this is how we have learned to reconnect.  We also take the time to go over our days every night and chit chat.  

[MamaInTheDesert]

Thanks guys. In my heart I know everything is going to be great. It's just my stupid brain! lol. It really does help to hear from people who have similar situations or have BTDT though. I especially like the thoughts about how DD will enjoy her time being spoiled as an "only" on her Dad days. For some reason that gives me a big sense of relief. Plus I like to hear about how everyone's first is getting along with their next kiddo. I need to focus more on those things, because DD already talks about what she's going to teach the new baby, how much she's going to love him or her, and how excited she is to meet them. She always asks to talk to the baby. It's cute because she says she can't talk to the baby without seeing my belly, so we'll be out and she'll just lift up my shirt and be all "Hi baby!" haha. Broodywoodsgal - You're right. It IS life and it will go on being wonderful. Even if I can't see yet exactly how it will work out, I do need to recognize that it will. Thanks for the ideas on reconnecting with DH in the evenings as well. I need to come up with some solutions for that. It seems like we each retreat to our own little worlds after DD heads to bed, and we need some more togetherness time. We do alright for quick bursts, and when we have a plan set in place. Like for a couple of months we were doing all of the birth art exercises in Birthing from Within, and that was really fun and gave us a lot to talk about. But, after we did the last one, it was like "What do you want to do now? You wanna play your video game? I'll get back to my book..." I need to work on finding more things that we can actively do together that keep us connected.

[Sarasyn]

Originally Posted by MamaInTheDesert 

Thanks for the ideas on reconnecting with DH in the evenings as well. I need to come up with some solutions for that. It seems like we each retreat to our own little worlds after DD heads to bed, and we need some more togetherness time. We do alright for quick bursts, and when we have a plan set in place. Like for a couple of months we were doing all of the birth art exercises in Birthing from Within, and that was really fun and gave us a lot to talk about. But, after we did the last one, it was like "What do you want to do now? You wanna play your video game? I'll get back to my book..." I need to work on finding more things that we can actively do together that keep us connected.

We used to have that same problem.  It just meant we had to get more creative about the sorts of things we did together.  Some of them are still on the back burner, waiting for a day when we actually get off our tails to do it, like playing chess and Magic the Gathering.  Those are both things we enjoy and we'd like to play together eventually.  Of course, chess means I'm going to have to find my chess set and Magic means I need to build a deck...both things neither of us have put too much priority on.

Since your DH likes playing video games, what about finding one you can play together?  I'm not much on stuff like Call of Duty and other first-person-shooters, but there's a variety of games out there.  Our personal indulgence was our Wii while we had it.  We played it with the kids too, but after the kids went to bed we'd play Sports Resort and see who could get the highest score in the sword fighting challenge or would play a round of Frisbee golf or Frisbee dog.  We had to stop playing the canoe game because we ended up yelling at each other and laughing so loud that we woke up the kids (oops!)  He also gets a kick out of me being the backseat driver while he's playing racing games.  I knit and navigate for him and he runs the race.  It usually ends up with a good deal of picking on each other (in a playful way) because he goes the wrong way or I lose track of where he is.  We've found lots of ways to use video games to build our relationship.

Veg time for us has also turned into something we can connect with.  Sure, we sit and watch television, but we pick shows that we can talk about afterwards.  Our personal favorites are Lie to Me and Bones.  After the episode, and sometimes during each episode we talk about forensics or psychology.  I've studied a lot on both, so it's kind of become a pass time for us.  I even managed to impress him with announcing that the glowing skeleton in one episode of bones was do to a phospherescent (yeah, can't spell that) bacteria from the moment I saw the body, though I had no idea how it got there.  He was surprised to find out I was right!  This can work with almost any show you both like.  We've used Glee to open up a discussion about high school, peer pressure, our own experiences, and most importantly, music.  My boyfriend is big into music, so it really was a connection point there.  Mythbusters, Ghost Hunters, cooking shows, and even sitcoms have become social activities for us.  It's more than just watching television, it's talking about the characters or the subject and the story, our surprises and disappointments.

There's also tons of books on subjects that effect your lives that might have questions or exercises for you to do.  I don't know if you're spiritual, but that's always an avenue.  There are parenting books out there my boyfriend and I have read together.  We sat down and read stories from one of the Yarn Harlot's books (comical stories about the life of a knitter) that had us both cracking up.  There were a couple of occasions where he'd say it was so something I would do, or compares himself to her husband because he feels the same way.  Of course, getting my boyfriend to sit down for a book is challenging at best, but when it works, it works wonders.  Thankfully, where books don't work, podcasts do!

Think about hobbies you and your boyfriend enjoy, since that can be a great way to connect too.  Even before the kids go to bed, my boyfriend and I share the cooking responsibility, which often means cooking together in the kitchen because we both love cooking.  I've worn the baby in a sling while I've sat outside and he worked on the car.  We discussed everything he was doing, what needed to be done, and what the problems might be.  When I'm able, I usually get in there and help him with it...I say help him, but often times I know more about what he's doing than he does!  Of course, I'd never tell him that!  I've tried to teach him to knit.  He's tried to teach me to do chainmail.  We go outside and practice for fire performances in the yard, or he'll drum for me and I'll dance.  Sure, we don't enjoy that many of the same things, but I've always tried his hobbies and interests as much as I can and he's tried almost all of mine (though I don't think I'll ever get him to get up and belly dance!)  No matter how much I don't enjoy the things he makes me try, part of the fun is trying them with him and sharing something he loves.

I know it's not easy to break your pattern and seek out something new.  Heaven knows after my third we had a lot of problems connecting, but it's something that can be worked on in time.  And, you know, you'll probably find a lot of new ways to connect once the baby arrives too.  I have to say, some of our most special moments when our first child together was little were all the moments where the three of us were together.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Originally Posted by MamaInTheDesert 

Thanks guys. In my heart I know everything is going to be great. It's just my stupid brain! lol. It really does help to hear from people who have similar situations or have BTDT though. I especially like the thoughts about how DD will enjoy her time being spoiled as an "only" on her Dad days. For some reason that gives me a big sense of relief. Plus I like to hear about how everyone's first is getting along with their next kiddo. I need to focus more on those things, because DD already talks about what she's going to teach the new baby, how much she's going to love him or her, and how excited she is to meet them. She always asks to talk to the baby. It's cute because she says she can't talk to the baby without seeing my belly, so we'll be out and she'll just lift up my shirt and be all "Hi baby!" haha. Broodywoodsgal - You're right. It IS life and it will go on being wonderful. Even if I can't see yet exactly how it will work out, I do need to recognize that it will. Thanks for the ideas on reconnecting with DH in the evenings as well. I need to come up with some solutions for that. It seems like we each retreat to our own little worlds after DD heads to bed, and we need some more togetherness time. We do alright for quick bursts, and when we have a plan set in place. Like for a couple of months we were doing all of the birth art exercises in Birthing from Within, and that was really fun and gave us a lot to talk about. But, after we did the last one, it was like "What do you want to do now? You wanna play your video game? I'll get back to my book..." I need to work on finding more things that we can actively do together that keep us connected.

Something I really like to do is just put on music, some really great Pandora station with low key, undergroundy music, and lay out a bunch of picky type foods...cheese, bread, olive oil dipping sauce, whatever...and just hang out. Toss a ball back and forth while we sit on the floor, do a crossword, sew something while he reads next to me...stuff like that. I feel like as parents there is always this endless busy-list....the things that have to be done over and over, that you do without even thinking. These little chores fritter away moments and then hours and eventually days...so when I really just want to hang with my dude, I put that nagging "you didn;t do _______" voice away and eat some snacks and talk with him and listen to music and do NOTHING. We used to do that...a lot. Just nothing. Play scrabble or whatever. Which is actually another thing we love doing. If I want to sit next to the fire with my book and he wants to hang out upstairs and surf the web, we'll go do those things, but we'll play Words With Friends or Wordsmith on our phones while we do it. If you don't know what that is, it's scrabble, just like the game in real life...but on your phone...and it's FREAKING RAD. I love having ongoing scrabble games on the phone with him...it's such a nice way to connect during the day...it's probably my favorite way to connect with him during the day. We call and text a lot, but I really love when my phone pings at me and he just laid out a really killer word and I'm like DAMN! That reminds me of "pre kid" fun, you know?

Don't worry honey, it really will be great. Just like you could never have visualized how great it was going to be to have your DD before she came....having two will be just as great if not BETTER! You just can't visualize it yet because you can't see the future.

[LionessMom]

i understand. my dsd goes to see her mom although it keeps getting less frequently and she even has sister living their dad. my ds hasnt seen his dad in 5 years. my youngest had just gotten to the point where my ds was able to babysit long enough for DH and I to got out together alone again. i bf and dont leave a baby until they are old enough to last a couple of hours with other drinks. which seem to be at least a year or 18 months. i was just starting to enjoy the freedom again. and now here we are again. i look forward to it. excited as all get out. but at the same time mourning what DH and I were being able to do again. i am so thankful that he is so patient and understanding and loves his kids. but it seems rough at first no matter how many and what kind of kids you add to it. <<hugs>> as far as dsd leaving her sisters here to go see her mom. she loves it. she might miss them but she likes getting that one on one attention from her mom with no little sisters bothering her and making her irritated or mad. lol. and then she comes home and has more patience for them. and hugs and kisses them and tells them how much she missed them. it takes several days for them to start fighting again. :) i know it doesnt always work this way, so i am glad she has such a large heart.

[MamaInTheDesert]

Thanks for all the good ideas of things to do with DH at home. I think I'm going to try to start some of these out before the new baby gets here so that there's less of a huge transition.

I hear you about not leaving the little ones Lioness. I'm just so weird about leaving my DD with anyone. There have been exactly two times that I have left DD (Not including bio-dad) in someone else's hands for more than a quick 5 minute trip to the corner store in the last 4 years. Both times she was already in bed and asleep, I was only gone for a couple of hours, and I had my dad come over and watch tv with the baby monitor sitting in his lap. I'm hoping that as she (and the new one) get older that I may relax in this, but I just don't see it happening. Haha, but then again, that's why I made this thread right? To help me deal with the things I cannot see.

You guys are great. Thanks for all the support. I really mean it.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Originally Posted by MamaInTheDesert 

Thanks for all the good ideas of things to do with DH at home. I think I'm going to try to start some of these out before the new baby gets here so that there's less of a huge transition.

I hear you about not leaving the little ones Lioness. I'm just so weird about leaving my DD with anyone. There have been exactly two times that I have left DD (Not including bio-dad) in someone else's hands for more than a quick 5 minute trip to the corner store in the last 4 years. Both times she was already in bed and asleep, I was only gone for a couple of hours, and I had my dad come over and watch tv with the baby monitor sitting in his lap. I'm hoping that as she (and the new one) get older that I may relax in this, but I just don't see it happening. Haha, but then again, that's why I made this thread right? To help me deal with the things I cannot see.

You guys are great. Thanks for all the support. I really mean it.

Yeah don't feel bad about people watching your DD. My MIL is the only person we've ever left our kids with. We love everyone in our circle and don't specifically not trust anyone...but we can't do it. We just can't.