I KNOW! This is a real drag. My mood has been ABSOLUTELY terrible. And it seems like no one irl gets that at all. The other day I told a neighbor that I really don't feel like socializing right now (as I scooped my kids up and walked away) and she was like "why?" and I was like "um, I'm 9 months pregnant." Blank stares. Then another neighbor commented to me that this friend was "gaining on me" as far as how big her baby bump is getting (she's due at the end of JUNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I was like "um, okay." blank stare. "how bout we have this conversation when SHE is ready to give birth any day." Then I tell dh that I really just need to be done with this pg ASAP and he's like "why? but it's so healthy for baby to be on the inside...blah blah blah..."
Um, have you not heard me saying that I can't sit, stand, walk, lie down, sleep or do ANYTHING comfortably?! Every day that this goes on it just feels worst and I feel more depressed and dispondent. Are you saying that I should HAVE to continue this for longer and you don't understand WHY I wouldn't want to do that? Never mention the fears that come up with birthing/post birthing of pain, of feeling alone and not healed with children to take care of and surrounded by hostility on all sides (sadly, my neighbors and community feel very strongly that there is no WAY I can continue homeschooling with a 4th child in the house and they are kind of starting to psych me out...and are also making all kinds of snide comments about "why should we help you with anything...you CHOSE to keep your children home. Why should we bail you out for your bad decision?"). Also, my 2 year old is particularly needy lately (um, DUH!) and goes into hour long bursts of hysterics when I can't carry him (too many braxton hicks...can't do it) and can't stop whatever I'm doing to sit and hold him (ie, food in oven and on stove...other kids needing me...) And my dh is working on some project at work that is requiring him to do overtime EVERY DAY and he isn't doing that because I'm having ctx every afternoon and night and I'm totally exhausted by the end of the day and I just need him to come home and take over with the kids. So I'm hearing a lot about how this is bad for him and bad for his job and he'll have to make it up later. It's either now or right after I have the baby. And that is stressing me out, too. And so is the car situation. In Israel, taxes on cars are 100%. This means that a new car that costs $20K in the states, costs $40K here (and we don't make dollors, we make NIS, so this is even harder to obtain.) Now, of course we can't afford a new car...so we are looking at used cars that are about 10 years old. But this 100% taxes trickles down, meaning that a 10 year old car is somewhere around $9K or more here. This is a LOT of money for us, here in Israel, on a single income, etc... Luckilly, we have an old car (only seats 5 and we need to seat 6!) that we will sell so that we have most of this money, but we still have to pitch in what we don't have. This is a major stressor. And the fact that so long as we don't have a car that seats everyone, we will need to find babysitters or I will be housebound on our remote village until this problem is solved.
Add that to some other issues, for example, the black mold in the house that dh is cleaning right now. Or the kitchen sink that was backed up and we don't know if the problem is solved or not...or the kitchen sink leaking under the floorboards of our house. All of these things are totally feaking me out right now. Like, I THINK they are taken care of, but it's been something new every week or so. And the baby was sick and now my oldest is getting over the same illness. And I'm feeling nausious All. The. Time. and dh isn't feeling great and the house is cold and I worry about having enough hot water so that I will have pain relief during the labor and all the kids have been acting up and as stressed out as I've been...
Oh, and my client isn't pregnant yet. Which under normal circumstances is NOT a big deal (it's only been 2 cycles!)...but I SO MUCH wanted that to be finished before I had the baby.
Lol. Wow. I really needed to dump a lot of this, didn't I?
I'm sure this is all hormonal. They are all REAL issues but they are feeling WAY scarier than they normally would because of the changing hormones and the lack of truly restful sleep and the soreness and uncomfortablness in my own body. I know all of that, ykwim? Like, deep down, I'm still zen and I'm still me. I know that everything is okay but I'm just feeling really overwhelmed right now and I'm having a LOT of difficulty accessing my inner "zen." :/