Venting about Family Members Thread « Back to Group Discussions

[lbkw]

As I read about people complaining about their in-laws (or own parents) I thought we could use one of these. My in-laws drive me crazy. Everything they do bothers me. (It wasn't always this way, I grew into this.) I'm not particular about gender things, but they send my kids disgusting things in packages (like sugar-free peeps...DS got a kick out of it because we told him they would give him diarrhea).

For this baby, we thought they would be thrilled when we told them because they are obsessed with asking us if we are pregnant, but instead they were so annoyed that DH changed our visitation plans slightly that they pouted about it instead.

MIL insists on knitting things for baby without any input from me and I end up with blankets and sweaters that I won't use or don't like and can't get rid of. FIL clearly shows favoritism for DS over DD and it is very bothersome since she is getting old enough to feel left out. FIL also has awful sense of humor and insists on bringing DS in on all of his dumb jokes which just drive me crazy when he is not even around.

I'm glad they live far enough away and that we have caller id. Just wanted to let it out. Thanks.

[scowgirl]

I would say I've probably gotten a bit more tolerant of my in-laws over the years. I don't agree with them politically, and they are pretty opinionated, so when I was younger I found them pretty hard to take (not just from a political standpoint but also sort of a personality clash standpoint--they are just so much more straight-ahead and tactless than my family, which is not a bad thing, but it took some getting used to). When we were planning our wedding, MIL got on my last nerve so many times that I ended up in the basement of their house crying with DH trying to talk me off the ledge.  Of course I was only 21 then. I also have to admit that over the years, I probably bitched to DH about them (and complained about having to see them) quite a bit more than I should have. Eventually it got through to me that this really bothered him, so I started to rein it in, and then over the last 5 years or so I have found them somewhat easier to tolerate for whatever reason. Maybe I just finally got used to them. At some point MIL also stopped hassling us about having kids, for the most part, so that also helped. 

I know what you mean about the self-centeredness (the pouting about the change in plans when you told them about the baby). We have sort of a rule that each of us answers calls from our own parents. I get the way better end of the stick on that one because my parents NEVER call us (my mom is annoying, but it's more in a way that she will avoid contacting us for weeks on end so as not to "bother" us, but then be mad that I didn't call her) and when MIL calls, it's an hour minimum conversation where you can barely get a word in edgewise between her talking about yard work, church, miniscule details of their lives, complaining about how DH's sisters don't return her calls (LOL), etc.

The gender thing is really bugging me for some reason. I need to just relax about it, but it's really pushing my buttons. I can't help but roll my eyes as high as they will go when she makes a comment like the "all boy" one. Really? He's all boy because he's trying to learn to walk and climb on stuff and take toys and put them in a basket? I guess 1-year-old girls just sit daintily, avoid getting dirty, and work on needlepoint. Also she really needs to not ever bust out that "girls should be petite" stuff in front of my kid, especially if it's a girl. Kids get so much crap about body image as it is--it's just so unnecessary.

I will say that at one point she gave my nephew a doll, I think primarily to annoy my brother-in-law who at that point was a very traditional manly man, boys work in the yard while the girls wash dishes, no son of mine will ever play with a doll and catch the gay kind of guy, so I think there is hope for her. 

[scowgirl]

Oh, and I just had to laugh out loud at this part. Sugar-free Peeps--gross. And I am one of those weird people who LIKES Peeps, but I'm not proud of it.
 

Originally Posted by lbkw 

DS got a kick out of it because we told him they would give him diarrhea.

[lbkw]

Originally Posted by scowgirl 

Oh, and I just had to laugh out loud at this part. Sugar-free Peeps--gross. And I am one of those weird people who LIKES Peeps, but I'm not proud of it.
 

I think they sent sugar-free Peeps to try to be "healthy" since they know we don't like to give our kids stuff like that.

I've known my in-laws for 13 years and I used to like them, sort of.

In our case, DD is petite, but she's like mighty mouse! I couldn't save most of her clothes for hand-me-downs because she wore through them and they were filthy! DS on the other hand, I used to wonder what he did all day since his clothes were hardly ever dirty. (I later found out that that as infants, they strip the kids to their diapers to paint and do dirty projects.)
 

[sjdragonfly]

My mother and my aunt are already driving me crazy. Whenever my mother has an issue with something I'm doing or talking about potentially doing or even just talking about researching before making a decision, she goes and bitches to my aunt (her twin sister) and then my aunt will send me these scathing emails. Thankfully my aunt is in the UK so it's too expensive for her to call me here in Canada to do the same thing. I always respond politely to the emails with something like "thank you for your opinion. I'm still researching whatever and will do what I feel is right when the time comes."

I have since learned to just not talk about anything related to the baby when it comes to my mother unless it's really innocuous. I can't even imagine how she's going to act when she finds out we're having a homebirth. I'm just not going to mention it unless it comes up on conversation. 

My mother and my stepfather are also the type that are already wanting to buy us a bunch of useless, plastic crap for the baby. Oh, man. We saw them at Christmas and she was listing off all of these things that "they didn't have when you were a kid" that she wants to buy for me. One of the ones she's the most adamant about for some reason is some kind of plastic contraption that you hook up in the sink that has some sprayer nozzle and other crap to bathe the baby. I told her that I can wash the baby in the sink itself, in a little tub or in the bathtub with me and you would have thought I'd said I was going to never wash the baby. She thinks I'm being unreasonable. Yeah, I think one of us certainly is. 

The thing is, too that we live in a very urban area and actually have a decent sized place for where we live, but it's still really, really tiny as all of the apartments in this city are. We don't have room for a bunch of useless crap and I don't want it in the first place. I don't really understand this either because they don't have any money and are always having financial troubles so I can't really understand why she wants to buy us all of this expensive stuff that we don't even want in the first place. I finally talked her into letting me give them a list of things we actually want/need and letting her get some things off the list, but even that will probably go awry. Knowing her if I say that we need a carseat of brand x in this color, she'll just decide to get whatever carseat she sees first at Babies R Us or something. I'm going to try and get her to just go shopping with me when she visits next and then she can buy whatever she wants with me present. 

I'm really sick of getting grief from her when I even say I'm going to research something before making a decision. Since when is that a bad thing to do? That seems like the smartest approach, if you ask me. And really, it's not like she actually has any experience with children herself. She dumped me off at my grandparents' house when I was just 6 months old and did the same with my half-brother except she left him with his dad at about the same age. So she's never actually raised any children herself in the first place. It's not like she has any experience with which to make these opinions or give advice. Argh!

[lbkw]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sjdragonfly 

We don't have room for a bunch of useless crap and I don't want it in the first place. I don't really understand this either because they don't have any money and are always having financial troubles so I can't really understand why she wants to buy us all of this expensive stuff that we don't even want in the first place.

I have the same issue.  And now that my kids are older, I would rather them give me money to use for their activities (that don't take up space) but I hate the idea of asking for money. If they are willing to spend money on something that will go in the garbage, at least let us put it toward a positive experience.

[sjdragonfly]

Exactly. I have told DP that if people give us things we don't want or need, especially if we've been clear about not wanting those things then it's going directly to either craigslist or to be donated. I refuse to have a house full of useless stuff just because so and so thought we should have it even if we've been firm about not wanting it.

ETA: I always think going shopping with people is a good idea for this kind of stuff, anyway. Then you get what you actually want and will use and you get to spend some time together while doing the shopping.

[lbkw]

Augh!!!! My father-in-law is coming for a visit and I already want to kick him out. We do not have a good relationship and the last time he came to visit when I was pregnant was horrible. (He has been here since, but my patience during pregnancy is next to nothing.)

He is driving DH crazy! He acts like a child and only wants to get his way. He plans his trip with complete disregard to the fact that we work and kids are in school and expects everyone to stop for him. SIL is supposed to "have him" for half the week (even though we told him not to come for a whole week) and she went and planned a vacation out of the country during her time that he was staying there. Come on! So we switched days. I feel like custodial parents. Now he is being insane. Completely insane. He thinks I conspire against him. It's to my credit, not fault, that DH finally woke up and realized that he is now an adult and doesn't have to bow to his father.

I just needed to vent.

[MaerynPearl]

I am so sorry. I do not miss having in-laws like that in the least, my first marriage my in-laws were extremely selfish. I "took" my ex-husband from them. Especially if he ever stood up to them.

I hope something comes up and suddenly can't come until after baby is born. Nothing bad, of course, maybe he suddenly wins a cruise or something. Good riddance, you know? 

[lbkw]

Originally Posted by MaerynPearl 

I hope something comes up and suddenly can't come until after baby is born. Nothing bad, of course, maybe he suddenly wins a cruise or something. Good riddance, you know? 

Too bad his flight is tomorrow. The irony: when he booked this flight through some Army discount travel thing, they told him he was the ___th caller and he won 100,000 points or something to use toward travel in the future. So even though he has been completely foolish about money and lost almost everything he and mil had, they now win a trip somewhere. And you want to know something? They will probably blame us for wanting MIL's help with baby at the time they want to go on a trip. (she works at a summer camp and teaches preschool and only has a small "break") And if we say, you don't need to come help us, she'll complain that we don't want her. It's so aggravating.

Baby has been moving a lot this afternoon, hope I'm not stressing it out too much.

[scowgirl]

A vent about my mother--I love her, of course, but she tends to speak/email me in this aggravating tone conveying that she can't help giving her opinion, but she knows I'm kind of crazy so she will tread carefully to avoid making me mad. The end result is that I feel like I'm still being treated like a slightly irrational child at the age of 35.

She recently emailed me to see how things were going, and when I responded that I had a midwife appointment coming up and everything seemed good, said that she "didn't know I was seeing a midwife," and was I also seeing a doctor, and was I going to have the baby at home. Now, I have nothing against homebirth, but I personally wouldn't do it with my first pregnancy and considering my age and weight and all that. If someone else in my same situation wanted a homebirth, I would also think that was fine. If you knew Mom, however, you would understand this email to mean that she thinks all of this is a terrible idea but is trying to find a way to say so without pissing me off. I had to explain that the midwife group worked for the university hospital and I would be having the baby in the hospital birth center, and OBs were therefore available if I should develop complications later in the pregnancy or during the delivery. She said she didn't know that [university] "did the midwife thing" and "at least there will be a doctor nearby." Really, I'm hardly making some kind of weird radical choice here. 

I also find this kind of insulting to the midwives, who I would think even people with a really conservative approach to birth would not have a problem with, b/c they are CNMs and employed by a major and well-respected university hospital system. I personally think I am really lucky to have this option.

[sjdragonfly]

Your mom sounds a lot like mine, scowgirl. It's so frustrating, isn't it? I've just stopped giving my mother details about anything related to this baby unless she specifically asked. We are planning a homebirth for our first and I haven't told her and don't plan to unless she outright asks me about it. Already she thinks I'm crazy for going with a midwife instead of an OB, just like yours. I don't really get that attitude. It's not like just anyone can decide they want to be a midwife and start practicing the next day. There's a whole hell of a lot of schooling that goes into it and usually they actually know more about a normal, vaginal birth than most OBs do! 

I also find that having care providers connected to universities is a great thing, midwife, OB or otherwise. They tend to be more on top of the latest things going on and a bit more progressive in some of the way they practice. All good things! 

And yes, I agree that those of us with midwives at all are lucky. In the US, I know it's illegal for midwives to practice in some areas. That is just crazy to me! Not to mention that there are so many people that don't have the option of a birth center, either. 

I think part of it is that our parents are of the do what your told generation. I think we (especially women on this forum) tend to be more of the type to research and question and realize that doctors aren't gods and don't know everything. We have the right to make our own choices about care. That just seems so foreign to our parents because they didn't always have those same options and were taught to just listen to the doctor and that's the end of it. 

[scowgirl]

I'm glad it's not just me! I mean, I'm relatively lucky; it's not like she's shouting down my choices or constantly up in my business, but sometimes it gets a little annoying making what I feel are perfectly reasonable choices and then getting this sort of cautious, picky judgment. I feel like I'm thought of as some sort of "eccentric" loose cannon when I don't even get to have the fun of being all that eccentric.  I agree this particular view probably has a lot to do with the time period when our moms gave birth and how attitudes about women's health care have changed between then and now. Plus, in general she has hangups about weight even beyond what is reasonable or sensible, so she seems to think I am a walking time bomb healthwise despite little evidence of such. I imagine the idea of me "not being under a doctor's care" was kind of scary to her in that respect.

[lbkw]

I am pretty lucky that both my mom and mil had their babies when "natural childbirth" was all the rage. Of course, it was in the hospital with a giant episiotomy for my mom (x2) and my mil ended up with a c-section for failure to progress and an automatic repeat c-section.

However, my mom is kind of wary of taking supplements and non-Rx things. She was "prescribed" arnica post-masectomy and almost didn't take it until I mailed it to her! It's not like she stands in my way or anything, but I wish she were more accepting. Her BFF's daughter is a naturopath and she is very critical of what they do. I am no where near extreme, but I like to explore options. I sometimes feel defeated when I turn to conventional treatment. (e.g. DD had one single nasty patch of eczema on her upper thigh (not where diaper goes) and NOTHING helped. Changed her diet, gave her fish oil, used coconut oil on it, among other things. I bought coritzone10 and it was gone overnight. I felt terrible that she suffered for so long because I was afraid to use a "steroid" cream.)

[sjdragonfly]

I just need to vent and be a little bit judgmental for a minute. I said this to DP, but I would never presume to make comments about someone else's parenting/health/life choices to them unless they directly ask me about it. That being said - DP's sister drives me insane. Don't get me wrong, I love his family, his crazy sisters included, but holy crap, she's been acting like a lunatic lately. A bit of back info about her - she has lived in LA for years and years and only last year moved back up here to Canada, to Vancouver where we are. Now, I don't think there's anything intrinsically wrong with LA. It's not for me, but to each his own. The sister, who, I'll call C, works in Hollywood. She's done some acting, producing, writing and directing and has actually done a few indie movies recently that have gotten a bit of attention. Good for her! I'm proud of her work accomplishments. But - to survive in that industry, you have to be a certain type of person, which she is. Manipulative, lying, deceitful and overall just shifty. You pretty much can't ever take anything she says at face value, she always exaggerates and/or lies no matter what it is and no matter how easy it is to catch her in the lie. Even when caught, she just spins more webs. It's frustrating. She'll do things like tell DP she wants to throw a birthday party for me since I always bring her and her family jars of things I've canned or food I've made or things I've sewn/made for them or their baby. Then she does nothing. She even stands us up for coming to dinner on my birthday because she just doesn't feel like it, I guess. There was some transparent lie in there, but I forget what it was now. I pretty much shrug it off whenever she offers something because I know she won't do it, anyway. But this is the kind of person we're dealing with here.

Lately she's been even worse and it's been driving me crazy. She said and did some really nasty things to DP about a month ago and I got really angry about it. It's one thing to treat me like crap, but quite another to do it on an even larger scale to her own brother. I didn't say anything to her, just decided that I need some space from her for a while until I can come around to not being so annoyed with her. She's figured out that I'm doing that and doesn't understand what's going on. DP won't say anything, just says it's fine and not to worry about it, but that's just making her frustrated because she can't manipulate me like she'd like and make it seem like everything's fine. To her face, I haven't said a word, just acted normal, but have avoided interaction if at all possible. 

Okay, so I'm already frustrated and annoyed with her and then DP tells me yesterday that she and her husband are smoking again. It's pretty much a 50/50 blend of pot and tobacco that they roll and smoke, in the house, no less!!! He says they stand by the window at least, but wtf. They have a 9 month old daughter who is still occasionally breastfeeding. I feel like this is such negligence, it's not even funny. I don't care what you do to your own body, but when you're passing that along to a baby... that's royally screwed up. This is the same woman who drank while pregnant. And I don't mean just one glass or wine here or there. She drank almost an entire bottle of wine by herself at her own baby shower. This was not an isolated incident, either. Top that off with getting into hot tubs for extended periods of time while pregnant and eating so much crap. The weirdest part of this is that her husband is some huge health nut. Except when he isn't. He's either super healthy or eating something really horrible, no in between. He goes around preaching to everyone all of the time so much so that I can't stand to be around him anymore. That makes is all the stranger that somehow they're okay with doing this to their child!!! Ugh. It's just hard to sit by and watch someone do things like this to an innocent person.

[scowgirl]

OMG I don't even know what to say. I feel so bad for their daughter. Frankly it kind of sounds like your DP's sister has an issue with substances, if she is OK with smoking tobacco and pot around a baby, not to mention being unable or unwilling to stop drinking such crazy amounts during pregnancy.

[sjdragonfly]

It's crazy, right?! I mean, do what you want with your own body, it's your decision. I've smoked a few joints in my day and haven't had any harm come from it, but I definitely would not be doing that while pregnant, TTC or breastfeeding. I think more than having substance issues, she just doesn't know how to think about anyone besides herself and how her actions affect others, even her own daughter. 

I was talking about her in another thread not long ago. When pregnant, she would barely eat (even though I know she had to be hungry) just so she wouldn't gain weight. After having the baby, she lost the weight really fast. Almost scary fast, actually. She's still not eating, even though she's breastfeeding. It's disgusting. Somehow the kid is really happy and healthy so far, so that's a positive thing, but I just can't help but think that there are going to be consequences down the line from this kind of thing. I honestly think that the only reason she's breastfeeding is because it makes her breasts so much larger. She is all about wearing the most revealing clothing when she's out and about. It's crazy.

[scowgirl]

Originally Posted by sjdragonfly 

It's crazy, right?! I mean, do what you want with your own body, it's your decision. I've smoked a few joints in my day and haven't had any harm come from it, but I definitely would not be doing that while pregnant, TTC or breastfeeding. I think more than having substance issues, she just doesn't know how to think about anyone besides herself and how her actions affect others, even her own daughter. 

I was talking about her in another thread not long ago. When pregnant, she would barely eat (even though I know she had to be hungry) just so she wouldn't gain weight. After having the baby, she lost the weight really fast. Almost scary fast, actually. She's still not eating, even though she's breastfeeding. It's disgusting. Somehow the kid is really happy and healthy so far, so that's a positive thing, but I just can't help but think that there are going to be consequences down the line from this kind of thing. I honestly think that the only reason she's breastfeeding is because it makes her breasts so much larger. She is all about wearing the most revealing clothing when she's out and about. It's crazy.

I completely agree with you--what people do to their own bodies is their business. And honestly, I have eaten a reasonable amount of crappy food since being pregnant that I don't feel that great about, though I do my best to eat as healthy as possible on a day-to-day basis, so I am not pretending to be the perfect pregnant woman. But also agreed that the stuff you are talking about is a whole different ballgame during pregnancy and breastfeeding. It sounds like she is a really... interesting... person to deal with. I am glad to hear that her daughter is doing well despite all the ill-advised choices and drama. It really speaks to how resilient kids are, I think. Not that people should be testing that by engaging in this kind of behavior, obviously.

This is about 10,000 levels down from your SIL's behavior but on the weight topic, and since I am venting... my MIL was over this weekend and informed us with great wide-eyed concern that DH's cousin's wife, who has a new baby, "hasn't gotten her figure back AT ALL" and that at first she could not tell if cousin's wife was pregnant again. So glad she will probably be talking about me that way too, except maybe I'm a lost cause since I weighed much more prepregnancy than cousin's wife ever could have at full term.  I mean, really? What good does it do to say things like that to me? Also, it's 2012. I really have to roll my eyes at language like "getting her figure back."

Then again this is the same woman who went on at length to DH's other cousin about how women really don't need to gain much during pregnancy, and how in the old days they would never have let women gain all this weight, and bragged about how she herself left the hospital in a tight pencil skirt after giving birth, as if that proves everything went great. Then when this same cousin later passed out at the wheel (presumably from exhaustion) when her son was about 6 months old--luckily the baby was not in the car and she was not hurt--MIL told us disapprovingly that this probably happened because cousin was "still trying to breastfeed." Never mind that it could be any number of things... maybe cousin was working too hard, or not eating enough, or needed some additional help, but apparently she should just stop breastfeeding even though she would like to continue. But hey, at least cousin was really thin again immediately after giving birth.

I realize it's a little unfair to conflate these two different conversations, but there is just this pervasive attitude that whatever they did in the '60s when MIL had her first baby is right (i.e. "keeping your figure" is super-important but breastfeeding is not) and everyone nowadays is wrong.

I love MIL, and she is a really good-hearted person, but she is SO judgmental about certain topics. Grrrrrrrr....

[lbkw]

Originally Posted by scowgirl 

I realize it's a little unfair to conflate these two different conversations, but there is just this pervasive attitude that whatever they did in the '60s when MIL had her first baby is right (i.e. "keeping your figure" is super-important but breastfeeding is not) and everyone nowadays is wrong.

I love MIL, and she is a really good-hearted person, but she is SO judgmental about certain topics. Grrrrrrrr....

This made me think of my Aunt's comment about my cousin (her niece, not daughter) that the "bright side" of her FULL-TERM, STILL BIRTH* was that she could get skinny again right away. She also had her kids in the 60's and is an extremely vain woman. Previously mentioned cousin proceeded to get pregnant again, right away...much credit to her.

*Still birth was related to knot in umbilical cord and followed a visit to the hospital for what was considered false labor. Baby was assumed to be otherwise healthy. It is because of this experience that I feel like I can't get excited until I have a healthy baby in my arms. I always feel like I need to distance myself to be prepared for a worst-case scenario.

[sjdragonfly]

Your MIL sounds like a fun one, too. That kind of attitude and body shaming is not helpful at all. It's what causes eating disorders and distorted body images in women. So unhealthy! I had someone rant at me one day about how while pregnant you're really only supposed to eat a few extra calories - the equivalent of one piece of toast with peanut butter. Whatever. If I'm hungry, I'm going to eat. I can tell the difference between hunger and boredom/craving eating. If I want to eat another plate of food, I will. If my body is telling me it's hungry, then why on earth would I starve myself just because someone else decided I shouldn't have any more food? Everyone's body is different. We all lose and gain weight differently, pregnant or not. I find this whole fascination everyone has with "getting your figure back" to be so screwed up. I actually don't think it's all that healthy to be losing all of your pregnancy weight that quickly. But maybe that's just me doing too much research and reading or something. 

Ugh, and the whole thing with people hating on breastfeeding... I just don't get it. It does seem to be especially prevalent in your MIL's generation, too. I won't even get started on my own rant about that, but I feel your pain. Hopefully you can just avoid some of these topics with her as best you can. I know that's tough when she's the one bringing it up and gossiping about someone else who just had a baby. I would like to think that anyone else she'd be spouting this off to would know it's crap and won't think anything of it.